Today Clark asked to see me in his office. History would suggest that this is not a good thing.
And history would be right.
Clark told me he was “presenting” at an important trade show in Omaha and that he wanted me to go with him.
I was surprised. I was flattered. I accepted.
Big mistake.
Turns out all he needs is someone to man a booth, hand out flyers and run his PowerPoint presentation.
Apparently, the corporate chimp is busy that week and I’m the next best simian for the job.
But, on the upside, it gets me out of the office, and it’s a good chance to spend some time with Clark. Get to know him better.
Then Otto entered…
Apparently, Otto is coming to Omaha too.
Turns out Otto and I will be sharing a room. At a Super 8 Motel. I also learned that Otto and I will be driving there together while Clark flies in to attend a pre-conference dinner.
That’s when I said “My throat feels a bit sore. I hope I’m not getting sick.”
Clark waved that off. Then he waved us out of his office.
We walked out. I looked at Otto. He seemed delighted.
He said that the 10 hour drive would give us lots of time to “talk windows” on the way there and “talk doors” on the way back.
We leave on Monday. I start drinking now.
Yup, I once had a customer service rep ask me (Marketing Manager) who GOT to go to trade shows. As in, how are the lucky few chosen? I tired to gently tell her that this was more punishment, less reward.
Then I scoffed at her for her being so naive and informed her that it was not like winning the lottery. Okay, maybe the shit lottery.
I also informed her that every trade show I attended shaved 5 years off my life (somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 years).
After my last trade show, CES in Las Vegas, I swore never to do another. My life expectancy just couldn’t take it any more!
So good luck with that Alan! Booze does help take the edge off!
Oh. My. God.
Booze won’t save me…?
What am I in for?
Aunt Baa, are you…
(scary music crescendo)
The Prophet of Doomed Business Trips! Bwehahaha!
Wow. First comment indeed!
🙂
Nope, turns out the booze just makes you a drunk on a business trip.
Aaaand the next morning you are a former drunk, with a hangover, manning the booth on a business trip.
If you don’t drink, you are just so tired that you have the hangover, but NONE of the fun that accompanies the drinking itself.
You really need to weigh ALL the options. Good thing you aren’t leaving until Monday. You still have some time to plan.
“A drunk on a business trip…”
I’ve never heard of such a creature!
😀
But, you’re right. I have time to plan…
All I’ve got so far is hide under the bed sheets and pretend it goes away.
Probably not a viable option…
Probably…
Okay, so I worked with a guy that was such a creature. Let’s say, he went missing for a few days in New Orleans and was discovered in an emergency room, dazed, beaten up and kind of confused about what had happened.
On his next business trip, he claimed to have a cold the entire time (funny cuz that cough medicine smelled exactly like Jack Daniels). He then went missing for three full days and nights.
When he resurfaced, he was again dazed and confused, for obvious reasons. He also smelled like vomit and was still drunk…for our Rep meeting…at 9 AM.
Oh God, I am the voice of Doom!
Nevermind.
The “Prophet” of Doom!
(scary music crescendo)
Well, this all sounds like powerful and potentially portentous foreshadowing of a feverishly foul fermentation.
Your co-worker sounds both troubled and like lots of fun. (Okay, mostly troubled.)
It’s like I say about booze hounds… They’re a liability in the office, but fun at parties.
And a nightmare on business trips!
Okay, Prophet of Doom is on a brief vacation.
The co worker ended up okay. He got himself together, but it sure was a rough, drunken rocky road!
I will try not to be so dark in the future!
No worries at all, Aunt Baaa
I was just teasing.
As far as I’m concerned, you can be any shade of writing you want here… light, dark, ominous, aglow, fluorescent, phosphorescent, sunny, blue, luminous, opaque, red, pink, green, shady, etc…
Always happy for your visit.
Best,
Alan.
Count yourself lucky, Albert. Auf Wiedersehen? Awe-some? Or just Alan?
My one and only business trip was to a hazardous waste treatment plant in Avon Ohio. It was very exciting and inTOXICating. And not in the good way.
Please, call me Alpo…
Funny enough, the trip was originally to be held in Ohio (seriously)…
So, I’m imaging what happened on your trip. Was it anything like this…?
Melvin Gorp (a stereotypical 98-pound weakling) and BKT (an unobtainable babe) arrive in Avon. Once there Melvin falls into a drum of toxic waste and is irradiated and deformed by the accident. He quickly and mysteriously transforms into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength. His toxic love quest to catch and make ‘sweet poison love’ to the kitten-esque, BKT is now on…
Ringing any bells?
It’s ringing my bell, for sure. But instead of using yet more of my writing mojo up in your comment section, I’ll tell you the truth:
First of all, the 98 pound variety are not usually the weaklings I attract. Weak in other ways, perhaps.
Second, the business trip was with the owner of the company, an overweight late forties guy who is all business. A very sweet man, but still. I was 27.
It’s not as impressive as it sounds – our office only had three people in it, including me. Although, maybe it is impressive that he lured a 27 year old on a business trip alone with him. But perhaps he was waiting for me to make the first move? I don’t know.
I had planned to meet some of my boyfriend’s old friends in Cleveland and party, but then I realized I might fall into a vat of benzene contaminated waste and I figured I should just go to bed. Alone.
I left a lipstick stained note for the bed in the morning. It said, “Last night was great. Call me. XOXO”
I can appreciate your saving your mojo…
The 98 pound weakling, would, of course, eventually morph onto a 300 pound crime fighting monster whose unrequited love for you ends tragically…
Here’s the next stage of what happened to you and Melvin (you’ve probably blocked the traumatic events out — and who could blame you?).
Melvin chases you down an alley, but cannot catch you to profess his love (his toxic legs are too sludgy to run fast). Dejected, he goes to a junkyard and builds a statue of you.
Later, in a seedy part of Avon, a gang of rank hoods are robbing a hotdog stand, attacking a blind woman, taunting a deaf man, teasing old people, and generally misbehaving.
That’s when Melvin arrives and pounds them into submission. BKT witnesses this and is touched by the mutant’s good heart. Although she is still put off by his oozing face.
Up next: Part the 3: “Melvin and BKT — And the Wacky Motorcycle Ride. ”
More later…
I love motorcycles. Can’t wait. 😉
I see BK as the “unobtainable babe” for sure, but where are the brooding and wise-cracking ex-special forces guys?
If you are going to pitch this Alan, you gotta include these stereotypes as well.
Always appreciate good notes, FJ!
Thanks!
Consider the brooding and wise-cracking ex-special forces guys to now be an intrinsic part of the story.
Make sure they have shaved heads. Yum.
Did I say that out loud? Damn.
😉
I didn’t hear anything… You hear anything, FJ?
I know it wasn’t BKT. She’s in thread therapy… Getting all detoxed out.
Must be one of the many voices in my head…
I heard BK is at The Bloggy Ford Clinic getting de-programmed or something. I hope they can help her.
Hi, Clark.
Betcha didn’t think I knew about HER, did you?
Now that I’ve got that pesky unattainable babe out of my way, my dreams for you and for world media domination can all come true!
Bwahahahahahaha!
P.S. Thanks for the whisquila.
The Bloggy Ford Clinic!
Me like that very much!!!
Very much indeed.
🙂
Lucky BKT, she’ll get to meet all kinds of famous celebrities.
Hope she brought her camera.
Lois…
My God! What have you done with her???????????
Clark, baby,
She’ll be fine. Unfortunately. I’ve just made sure she can’t bother us for a little while. Or maybe a long while.
It just depends on her ability to deny herself. And I happen to know she sucks at it.
You don’t need her, anyway. Those unattainable babes are such high-maintenance bitches.
Fly me to the moon, darling.
-LL (as in Ladies Love cool Alan”)
Watch out Clark!
Lois is sounding like an evil villian!
And an evil Lois Lane means we are in Bizarro World. And it’s ruled by the Bizarro Code which states “Us do opposite of all Earthly things!”
Tread carefully, my mild mannered reporting friend.
Super 8 Motel – for business travel? Hate to tell you, but you’ll be sharing your room with Otto AND the bedbugs. And for 10 hours you’ll be sharing an auto with Otto? Forget the booze, reach for the heroin.
Oh my. The news just keeps getting better.
Heroin, you say, huh? Hmm…
My concern here is this: What if I do too much heroin and start hallucinating and seeing bedbugs on my body?
Then how will I know when there really are bedbugs on my body?
It’s a conundrum alright.
If Otto starts slapping you all over your body, including your forbidden zone, then you really DO have bedbugs on you.
If the bedbugs talk to you and tell you that you MUST kill Otto – then that’s the heroin.
Hahaha!
Thank you for the clarification, Marissa.
Both of these scenarios, you do realize, lead to the potential and fatal murder of Otto.
1. If he is slapping my forbidden zone (for women, I believe this area is known as “Box Land”) then chances are I may be so shocked and in fear for my purity that I will raise an army of bedbugs to do my deadly bidding and have them attack Otto and suck all the blood out of him. I can hear me already from my Super 8 Motel room in Omaha… “Attack, my pretties! Attack! Drink the blood of Otto! Bwehahahaha!”
2. If the bedbugs are telling me to kill Otto, well, clearly, I have lost all reason and no court in Omaha would ever convict me.
I will keep you apprised, Marissa. Look for me at http://whahappen.com/
Oh god. That sounds worse than horrific. If you do have to endure a 10 hour drive and stay in Super 8 motel then you’d at least want to be with someone entertaining. Like a monkey.
Hahahahaha!
Thanks, Chris. That’s too rich!
Marissa thinks I should take heroin. That would certainly be a monkey on my back.
*still chortling away*
Heroin … bit messy isn’t it. Good suggestion but a bit impractical and always a chance of dying.
Personally, I’d go for the magic mushrooms and, if things go really badly or you’re feeling naughty, you can slip them in Otto’s meal.
That should provide hours of entertainment.
Good point!
Still… Not as much entertainment as a monkey.
😉
Tell Clark you have the swine flu.
Then squeal like a pig.
Deliverance me from evil.
Okay, I’m leaving the banjo at home!
Tell Otto you have this strange OCD condition where you can’t be in a car with anyone else and you can’t sleep in a room with anyone who isn’t female or bad things will happen. You may be able to drive yourself and sleep in your own room if he buys it.
Although, if you’re on shrooms, heroine, and drunk, just let him drive because you will be passed out for most of the trip anyway.
Take the banjo. You may need it.
I think you’re right. I’m bringing the banjo. And I’m gonna convince him I’m nuts.
I’ll repeatedly play weird variations on Rocky Mountain Breakdown.
That fits in nicely with your suggested “Strange Obsessive Compulsive Order.”
Sour belly duo coming right up…
(Alan fires up the banjo and sings)
Bow to the Otto man
Don’t be slow
Smoke on my brain
I’m ready to blow
Oh, what a breakdown
Otto, look, hear I go
I’m losing my mind
I got OCD don’t you know
Change your mind
Clap your balls
Stomp your feet
Inside these asylum walls
http://www.guba.com/watch/2000902402
You drive the rest of us nuts, why not Otto too?
You wascally wabbit, you.
You’re cute too, doc!
😉
Wow, a new post. Let me do a bowl and I’ll get back in alittle while.
😀
See you soon!
*Edit: Perhaps I’ll take Marissa’s advice and begin my search for heroin. If I’m not back in a day please send out a search party. Oh, and have the river dragged.
So you’re saying, wait, what are you saying.
Sorry for any lack of clarification. It was likely the heroin (or search for) talking.
It didn’t go well…
The river was dragged.
They found me.
Then, as I stood by the police van sipping a coffee, I was swallowed by a giant toxic pigeon that flew off with me. It eventually unleashed me and its bowel contents on a sidewalk in San Francisco.
http://fundamentaljelly.com/2009/05/14/sidewalk/
What an adventure.
We’re talkin’ Omaha, largest city in Nebraska and the county seat of Douglas County! You’ll be right on the Missouri River and within screaming distance of Platte River. You can visit one of the dozens of nationally, regionally and locally significant landmarks, like the Omaha Quartermaster Depot Historic District. Don’t forget to take in a show at the Omaha Community Playhouse, the largest community theater in the United States. Forget about Clark and Otto and focus on getting out there and enjoying beautiful Omaha. If you go in May, it’ll be between 74 and 50 degrees, which is nice.
Why, Ramblin’ Rooster…
Suddenly, I’m feeling better. Thanks.
That’s a very elegant pitch, by the way…
A question: By any chance do you work for Omaha Tourism?
Mutual of Omaha anyone? Life insurance is for the living. How do you know if you need life insurance? And how much life insurance is enough?
😉
I’ll never forget when CBC journalist Bob McKeown interviewed Marlin Perkins.
According to legend, after the interview, 80-year-old Perkins was so angry that he punched McKeown in the face.
McKeown is my dad and he wanted me to tell you that’s not funny. All he did was ask if wildlife films were inaccurately staged. How does that deserve a punch in the face?
First of all, please apologize to your dad.
Let him know that I’m a fan of the CBC and a regular viewer of The Fifth Estate.
Did you live in Canada with him at that time, RR? If so… Your thoughts on Toronto are always welcome…
Next, please tell him I like Yale University and was a fan of his brief, but forgettable football career. He’ll appreciate that, I think.
Then ask him, “how?”
How was it that an 80 year old man, who was captured on film as an animal abuser, was able to punch out a strapping ex-football playing journalist?
I’m guessing Marlin coldcocked him? (Sorry for the referential pun, RR.)
I’d hardly say that six seasons with the CFL’s Ottawa Rough Riders, winning the Grey Cup in ‘73 and being an all-star was forgettable. Pop’s forgave you until that little remark. My dad allowed Marlin his “sissy punch” because he knew he could absorb it. In my dad’s mind it was a publicity stunt.
Toronto’s 2.5 million residents make it the most populous city in Canada and #5 in North America. It’s the provincial capital of Ontario. It’s sits right on Lake Ontario which is lovely. The city is home to the National Ballet of Canada, the world’s first permanent IMAX movie theatre, and the Caribana festival, (one of North America’s largest street festivals) which attracts one million people to Lake Shore Boulevard. Toronto’s most prominent landmark is the CN Tower of course, which held the world record for tallest free-standing land structure for over 30 years at 553 meters (1,815 ft). I could go on and on…
😉
It sounds delightful.
I must visit there one day.
Rooster. You did go on and on.
You should check out Rooster’s blog CLT.
He’s got a funny and quirky thing going on over there.
http://roosteregg.wordpress.com/
These things you say are true. That’s some pretty funny stuff.
True story. Someone I knew had to share a room on a business trip with someone who liked to sleep (and walk around the room) nude.
ewwwww
Have you been reading ahead, bearman??????????
Do you have a time machine?
(Seriously, have you been talking to Otto?)
maybe bearman is Otto and he was throwing the idea out there to gauge your reaction, you didnt sound offended so I think that’s a thumbs up to Otto….
Hey me (chortle),
I’ll have to work on sounding more offended.
Perhaps more exclamation marks, some cheesed of looking emotcons and foul language…
Hmm, probably wouldn’t hurt to toss in the phrase “I’m offended” as well.
🙂
P.S. I’m 99.9% sure that bearman isn’t Otto. I’m just wondering if they’re occasional drinking buddies…
I think he was talking about me. I attend all business trips in the nude
Any chance you’ll be in Omaha next week?
Perversion!!!!!!
Is it warm in Omaha?
🙂
It is currently 23° C in Omaha under sunny skies.
I am only saying this:
1. I am not Otto
2. The zits covering his ass aren’t as disgusting once you have had a few drinks.
oops…hit the wrong reply button. Should have been a response to ME up there.
Speaking of Omaha…I will be there in 2 weeks.
If I haven’t left, look for me.
I’ll be the body in the gutter.
Film at 11!
😛
It’s 23 degrees in Sydney too. that’s not warm enough for me……
So, you are fully clothed in Sydney…
Hmm, that sounds likes a Dear Abby sign off.
Dear Abby,
The folks at the gimcrack are repeatedly using the phrase ‘the lunatics are taking over the asylum.’ Frankly, I’m concerned. What should I do?
Signed,
Fully Clothed in Sydney
Fully Clothed,
It sounds like a communication problem. Perhaps this link to his past is harmless. There’s no reason to assume it’s an affair. Lending money to family members can be a sticky situation. You may need to have a firm conversation with your mother-in-law in regards to raising your children. Enclosed is a heart-warming Mother’s Day Poem. If he has trouble reciprocating, perhaps it is time to suggest counseling. Your daughter should be granted a cellphone is she has proven she can handle it. Here are some common email scams to avoid. You need to be in constant contact with your children to guarantee their well-being. You may have too many cats. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This may be a sign of a drinking problem. No means no, especially in a business partnership. Your neighborhood may house sexual predators. A reader has sent in this list of tired platitudes.
Abby
Awesome!
And so sums up the life’s work of Abigail Van Buren.
You’re in fine form as always, CLT.
CLT, this is the best thing I’ve read all week! Way to go.
And by the way, Abby’s successor is a liberal (and I mean that in the old fashioned sense) slut who advocates debauchery. Now would be a good time for all of us to write for advice.
*cough*
Um, I’m standing right here…
😉
There are some who would say this world needs more sluts and debauchery advocates.
So, I’m guessing her answer to most questions would be “fuck him!”
BKT: Did you check out CLT’s latest?
It’s unbelievably great, I think…
http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/05/15/the-bible-inappropriate-for-all-ages/
You know vodka is clear… you can keep it in a water bottle. Just a tip for long stints manning a booth.
Water bottles leach toxic chemicals. You need one of those new fangled aluminum numbers that you can’t see through. Then you can put whatever you want in it, including your stash. But you should know that you don’t really start seeing bugs until you *stop* the heroin. So just stick with the program. Which could actually solve the whole business trip problem…
Or, I just speed up the heroin plan and start ASAP.
By Tuesday, I should be in Hallucination City… aka: Withdrawal Town, or, as the kids are calling it these days – Bedbug Burb.
Smart thinking, Alex!
Alan leaves the building to go the liquor store…
I wouldn’t worry too much about being “the next best simian”, pretty much all politicians and most of Hollywood fits into this genus.
Wait, sorry, I guess that doesn’t really help much. Just don’t start throwing feces at me.
I will say this, if Otto’s butt looks like a red catchers mitt, then for sure sleep in the car.
😀
Thanks for the warning!
I will not throw my feces at you but instead will continue to throw it all politicians and most Hollywood celebrities.
I do this not out of malice, but because politicians and Hollywood celebrities are the happiest people on earth and a little feces thrown at them doesn’t bother them in the slightest. In fact, it probably brightens their days.
Just call me a humanitarian feces thrower.
I am not anywhere near high or drunk enough to deal with this topic. Just don’t pull a Tyler Durden!
Jess your forgetting rule number 1!
I’ve been asked by my pal, jessica o (of jessica o corporation, I hasten to add), to write “7 things that make me *cough* awesome.”
http://jessicaosrant.wordpress.com/2009/05/11/tag-bitches-i-think-youre-awesome/#comments
While I remain completely and fully convinced there aren’t any, I have compiled a list.
1. I’m a sound sleeper.
2. I’m told I don’t slurp my soup
3. I keep my sarcastic comments about “soft rock” to myself
4. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not a “strong swimmer”
5. I know how to use a thumb tack
6. I’ve never worn a lampshade at a party
7. AND… Although I wish I had written the paragraph below, I won’t take credit for it.
(The set up is that the character is recounting a visit to his brother’s place. His brother (Stephen) is a failed musician and is now a music therapist.)
“I found him living above a candle store in a dingy apartment that he shared with a dying collie. The animal had lost the ability to urinate, so Stephen was always having to lug her downstairs to the grassy verge beside the sidewalk. There, he’d stand astride the poor animal and manually void its bladder via a Heimlich technique horrible to witness. You hated to see your last blood relation engaged in something like that. I told Stephen that from a business standpoint, the smart thing would be to put the dog down. This caused an ugly argument, but really, it seemed to me that someone regularly seen by the roadside hand-juicing a half-dead dog was not the man you’d flock to for lessons on how to be less out-of-your-mind.”
Written by Wells Tower
Please feel free to return once you have reached the right level of buzzed intoxication.
Waiting with bated breath.
😉
rooooaaad trip!
😀
Yes, it’s not long journeys that are tiring; it’s the people we have to journey with.
Indeed…
Otto + 10 hour drive + a shared room with Otto in a Super 8 = epic tragedy.
And you know Clark won’t be working that booth at all either. You and Otto will have to work out who takes lunch and when.
Oh man, you’re right.
Trying to schedule lunch times with Otto…
Good times ahead.
(Where’d I put that noose?)
I can’t help but notice in the picture of your office above it appears you have a two way mirror beside your desk. Are they performing experiments on you? Or do they just not trust you? Interesting.
That’s Clark’s office.
I don’t have an office.
I have a horse stall.
(I think it’s a one way mirror. But I also think they’re performing experiments on me. So, my judgment may be cloudy…)
An hour or so before you have to leave, drink a spoonful of calamine lotion. You will vomit and shit to an extraordinary level. You may also lose consciousness. This is guaranteed to get you out of work. You may also lose about 8 pounds. I did. I didn’t mean to, but I did.
If I don’t die, this may save my life!
🙂
P.S. Bernice, how did you accidentally swallow calamine lotion?
I was drinking a bottle of Bitter Lemon soda and putting Calamine Lotion on my father’s back. I took a drink from the lemon, waved the lotion around while talking, took a sip of the lemon, talked, waved the lotion, took a sip of the lemon, talked, took a sip of the lotion…
GAG!
Phoned poisons information and they said I’d be “A little uncomfortable”. A LITTLE FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE! I was vomiting out of every orifice for hours until I finally passed out in the shower. I was unconscious under the cold water for another six hours. It took a day or two to recover, but once the stuff was out of me, recovery was pretty quick.
Still, it is an effective weight loss plan.
Wow…
So it’s true. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you thinner…
Hmm, think I’ll stick with the heroin, mushrooms and booze.
😉
It would seem that there are 20 super8 motels in the Omaha are to select from and that you will get a nourishing but rather cardboard sounding breakfast.
Check out the offer at;
http://www.super8.com/Super8/control/breakfast?variant=
But, best of all, buy a super8 motel coffee mug for a free refill at any of their 2100 outlets in USofA.
http://www.super8.com/Super8/control/free_coffee?variant=
As the mug looks quite sturdy does that mean free kofe for life?
But yet again, swine flu would do nicely to avoid Farook.
Omaha looks different, at least to a Brit, but isn’t there a big USAF hole in the ground there, NORAD.
dave
Haha!
I have seen the future – thanks to Dave Hambidge…
The Superstart breakfast looks, um, interesting… And the “Free Coffee Program” well, now that’s some forward thinking. Way to go Super 8!
And what’s that in the bowl? Jellybeans? Or deadly nightshade? (Although now that I think of it, belladonna has more of a purplish hue… Okay, jellybeans then…?)
I like that the coffee cup has a “non-skid base” that’s what I’m always looking for in a coffee cup.
I’m told you can buy t-shirts in Omaha that read “I’d rather be in Scotland”
And talking of my favourite country, that is Scotland of course, I have recently posted some of the better holiday snaps at;
http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/37331
to see and select by detail
or
http://www.geograph.org.uk/search.php?i=6346260
for a slide show (wooah, and me an old crusty of 54 years old, such skill from an old fart!)
This very worthy site is collecting photos of every centisquare of UK (that is every 10 metre square, I think?)
Anything remotely like this in USofA?
dave
Those are really great, Dave
Thanks so much sharing them. Truly lovely. I’m sure our Scottish pal, NobblySan will have some thoughts as well. I think they’re great.
I haven’t had a chance to look at them all yet, but I will for sure. Loch Feochan looks gorgeous. I too am a fan of a Scotland. Haven’t been there in years and seeing these pictures is tempting me something fierce.
I have no idea if there is anything like this in North America. I would think so, but, don’t quote me on that.
🙂
While meandering thru downtown Portland (West), I happened across a scraggly-ass youth carrying a “Free Coffee” sign. I assumed this was another half-ass protest and pointed out that if he’d just cut his hair, get a job and, for the love of FSM, stop voting, the world would be a better place.
It’s not fun watching a grown man cry.
Well, it is a little, but the crowd turns on you very quickly, especially when you’re the Away team. I quickly donned my Nikes (sewn to perfection by Malaysian 8-year-olds) and hotfooted it to my gas-guzzler (the city bus).
I never did find out who “Coffee” was and what he/she was incarcerated for/colonized by.
Hahahaha….
Ahhh…
Hahahahahhahahaha!
U and Otto in a car… 10 hours…
U either need booze or recreational drugs or maybe even a concussion…
U can ride the high or blame it on the concussion to crawl into the back seat and contemplate on 101 ways to murder an annoying ass****!
U also need to make an appointment in advance with your therapist, yoga master, masseuse, acupuncturist and all your current girl-friends…
Trust me you are gonna need them when you get back…
Big Hug Alan!
Thank you for this creative and well considered preemptive travel plan, Archie.
Much appreciated.
I think I shall also include an appointment with a team of psychoanalysts as well.
😀
At your beck and call.
Perhaps you and Otto will need a couples session. You never know.
😀
How fortuitous! Just the doctor I was thinking of!
I think many, many, hours of extensive therapy will be required, Dr. Villars.
Otto and I once tried Trust Exercises…
Take Carlita instead of Otto.
Can imagine her reaction to the CD hotel; otoh, she might loosen up 😉
Or murder me!
😉
I’ll pray for you.
In the jolly way pagans “pray” and thank their lucky stars they’re not traveling in YOUR shoes.
LOL
😛
I like that — jolly pagan prayer!
Maybe you can get him to tell you all about windows AND doors on the way there. That way you’ll be armed with everything you need to know to make your escape once in the motel.
Yes!
Hey, I could make my escape AND lock him in the room!
Brilliant, Shawn.
That’s really brilliant! You HAVE to try that out!
What you could also do is throw yourself in front of a car. With luck, you’ll be still alive, but injured enough so that you won’t have to go on the business trip.
😀
And it’s fabulously ironic!
Well played, spamwarrior!
Wow, I can barely get through a work day without harming co-workers. I don’t even want to imagine being trapped in a car (or hotel room) with one!
Alas, poor Otto, we knew him well.
Nice, Andi!
If I may finish off your noble sentiment…
(With apologies to the Bard)
Alas, poor Otto, we knew him well… A corporate clown of finite jest, a most colossal bore. How my gorge rises at his memory…
You’re going to have so much fun with Otto, I’m sure. He’s a great guy. Tell Clark I said hi.
😉
Thanks, Mike.
Yeah, Otto’s the best.
Will do on the Clark front.
I’ll send you a postcard. Probably something along these lines…
Awesome. Two of my favorite things: postcards and kitty cats.
Gotta love those win-win scenarios!
😉
What’s a ‘super 8 motel’? It all sounds rather jolly.
I picture something a bit like the delightful little place I had to lay my head, the last time I went on a business trip.
The Hilton, I think it was called… I’m not sure.
I presume that they are similar, and can’t really imagine what you are moaning about.
Jolly like a stomach pump!
🙂
Funny enough, I was just over in your neck of the woods reading your thoughts on politicians…
Well said, by the way… http://madhatters.me.uk/2009/05/14/missing-the-point/
Super 8 Motels are anything but jolly, NobblySan.
The general consensus is they are bug filled, scummy, grungy, filthy, vile, disgusting, vermin-plagued, hell holes.
We’re a long way from The Hilton, my friend…
I stayed at a Super 8 for my first Dead show and I hardly noticed the dirt. But those shower heads break right off if you punch them when you’ve mistaken them for snakes.
And watch out for the guy with opium who sleeps with his eyes open. Creepy.
Too funny!!!
The Super 8 opium den doesn’t sound anything like the opium dens from The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Pity.
Although the Super 8 has some Dorian-esque qualities.
Every time you stay in one and stare at their mass-produced paintings, you die a little.
For some reason they don’t mention that in their brochures or on their web page.
Having said that, the Hilton in question was at the airport in St Louis, and there was a mega storm during the night which caused the sewers to back up.
I awoke to the delicate aroma of shit, and on opening the door to the bathroom was confronted with a bath half full of the source of the smell.
I rang reception. They sent the duty manager – a small bloke as camp as a row of tents, who tried to wring his hands apologetically whilst holding his nose…most amusing!
He was absolutely distraught, until I told him that “shit happens” at which point he thanked me profusely for ‘making his day’ (Honest! I never touched him!) and offered me a change of room and a complimentary breakfast.
Breakfast!! The lousy cheapskate!
I haggled until I got the room and breakfast free.
It wasn’t my money anyway, but what the hell…. it’s the principle!
Great story!
And damn right.
I was in a Hilton in Niagara Falls. The fire alarm went off at 2am (there was no fire). It didn’t stop ringing until 4am.
How did the good folks at the Hilton make it up to us?
They slipped a complimentary continental breakfast coupon under the room door. It was good until 8am.
Hi Alan,
My first thought was “Prozac,” but, I think it takes a while to kick it… Okay, drink now, if you must – but NOT with Otto! You don’t want to let your guard down with the Ottomeister on hand (no pun intended).
Darn it, Alan, this is where the “chronic” condition THAT I KEEP TELLING YOU TO ACQUIRE would be perfect! Seasonal asthma (where you can’t breath) or the dipping blood sugar, even a, “heart condition” (Oy, chest pains…) but NO! You have NOTHING with which to work!!
I guess it just serves you right, having to endure the car trip, and sharing the motel room, manning the booth (tee, hee, hee) because you failed to materialize your, “Excuse Condition!”
I will be thinking about you next week…
Sally P
PS: I wonder if it’s too late for that old standard, “lower back pain?” (How could you EVER ride in a car suffering like that?)
PPS: Be sure to pack your soap-on-a-rope… 🙂
Hahahha!
Thanks Sally P!
That’s pretty darn rich. You’re right, this is what happens when one doesn’t plan ahead…
Ottomeister! Love it! 🙂
(PS: I’ll start working on the soap packing.)
I guess… you could get some great prescription pain killers. Just tell the doc you have a premonition that you’re ears will be bleeding due to overuse. I’d try it.
Good thinking Betty!
You probably didn’t know this, but I have a long history of spontaneous ear bleeding. That ties in nicely with your plan of telling my doctor that my ears will be bleeding due to overuse.
He’ll buy it because there is history here. Medical history.
Then I’m on the road to Prescription Pain Killer City!
I’d never thought to use my spontaneous ear bleeding to my advantage – until now.
And all thanks to you.
Bless your cotton socks!
Drinking may help, at least up to the point of the trip. Being faced with ten hours of window talk and ten hours of door talk would make a drunk of anyone.LOL. Hey this may seem an odd request but I like your blog a lot and I was wondering if I could put it on my blogroll for easy access, If it is OK with you. I just started a blog a little while ago at http://www.soupalaxy.wordpress.com. Thank you for the great stories and thank you for your time.
Hi Eric,
Thanks for dropping by the office. And cheers for the link. That’s very kind of you.
Yes, 20 hours of window and door talk with Otto. 20 hours!
How much is there to say about windows and doors? It’s not like they’re complicated subjects. They open. They close. You walk through one and look through the other.
🙂
Hope to see you again.
Best,
Alan
Feed Otto some brooklax on the way (he will think you’re being kind and offering him choccies) …. he’ll shortly develop the shits and will need to go ….. at which point you stop at a service station to allow him to relieve his bowels …. only … you don’t hang around waiting for him to finish.
That way you get to go on this wonderful business trip all on your own – get your own room, and don’t have to listen to Otto’s ‘pillow talk’ either 😀
A few points to remember :
1. Make sure you don’t eat any of the brooklax
2. Ensure that when you do feed him aforementioned that you are NOT in the middle of nowhere where there is no service station (however, come to think of it … this may be a better plan – leave Otto squatting at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere – that way he can’t report back that you’ve left him behind)
3. While you’re travelling the rest of the way on your own, swigging at your hip flask …. think about your excuse of why you HAD to leave Otto behind …..
(I mean really, do you want me to work EVERYTHING out for you)? 😉
Hahahaha!
Hi Julie,
Thanks for dropping by — and thanks for the fabulous advice. Colour me wildly impressed.
I guess it would be asking too much to ask you to come up with the excuse of why I had to leave Otto behind, after all, you have concocted such a brilliantly fiendish and Machiavellian plan for me, that to ask for more would just be greedy.
And I wouldn’t want to rile your shackles as you seem rather adept in the fine arts of messing with annoyances.
😉
So… I shall launch your devilishly brilliant plan and leave Otto abandoned in a field. When my bemused coworker ask me where he is, I shall tell them that Otto left me in Omaha and has quit Hamish Industries to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming an acrobat in the circus. I’ll tell them he is leaving to join a high wire team of lusty daredevils and will be touring Albania while he sharpens his chops and perfects his craft.
The brooklax is also an excellent cure for coughing.
And laughing.
Also any physical effort of any kind. In case you need a cure for that. Most of my co-“workers” are already cured, though.
Office of the Dead?
Metaphorically speaking, of course…
Of course.
Unless the economy gets worse, in which case the company has threatened to trim the staff using disguntled former employees to do the dirty work.
They’ll send them here to kill us all in our sleep!
Zombies are the new disgruntled former employees.
Toxic zombies!
Which reminds me, I still have a 2nd and 3rd act to write.
I mean, I did write it! Yeah, yeah… But… But these… Brooding and wise-cracking ex-special forces guys ate the pages!
Yeah, that’s it!
The usage of brooklax comes from experience 😳 (I shall admit it on promise of total oath of secrecy).
Couple of years ago I worked for a company that sold medical equipment, now even though I was the lowly bookkeeper … I too was unceremoniously dragged along to a medical conference!
It was held at the Medical University (Medunsa) in Pretoria.
Conference? Baaa … my rear end …. I also had to ‘man’ a little stall and hand out brochures at the ENTRANCE to the conference – as well as demonstrate the medical equipment to the professors. At our little ‘stall’ we also had a little corner with ‘goodies’ … amongst several things was a bowl with little blocks of choccies ……
Much to my disgust on day 1, every single medical student that walked past grabbed a whole handful of goodies so that by the time student no. 5 had walked past, all the bowls were empty … those ‘goodies’ were meant for the professors that would have been interested in buying our equipment, not a piddly little first year medical student!
So ….. off I go at the end of day 1 and purchase the entire chemist’s stock of brooklax …. following morning load all the other goodies into little bowls, but in place of yummy choccies … yup you guessed it …… schnigger schnigger …
It was most pleasurable watching one student after the other charging out of the conference room in the direction of the loo …….. 😈
😛
Julie,
You pranked the shit right out of them!
Your secret is safe with me. Seriously. I said it before, and I’ll say it until the day I die – I wouldn’t want to rile your shackles!
😆
Do you sell windows and doors?
Why else would you need to talk about them for 10 hours?
Seems excessive, even if you DO sell such useful items.
If you don’t, then it just seems plain crazy.
Yup. We sell windows and doors. I know, I know, it’s wildly exciting. Sometimes I have to pinch myself.
20 hours of window and door talk strikes me as excessive as well, jesusbudda. Some kind people above have been offering advice on how to get through the oncoming agony.
I’m looking at combining many of their delightful plans. So far some their fabulous suggestions have included…
Prepare to lose my mind (SGT.C)
Poison Otto with brooklax (Julie)
Stuff prescription meds into my face (betty)
Stay drunk (Eric Richardville)
Work on my excuse conditioning (Sally P.)
Not stay at the Hilton (Nobbly San)
Watch out for the guy with opium who sleeps with his eyes open (barelyknittogether)
Have fun with Otto (Mike)
Perform variations on Hamlet’s soliloquy (Andi)
Throw myself in front of a car (spamwarrior)
Get Otto to tell me all about windows AND doors on the way there (Shawn)
Say a jolly pagan prayer, (Skatha)
Take Carlita instead (Ole Phat Stu)
Make an appointment in advance with my therapist, yoga master, masseuse, acupuncturist and all my current girl-friends… (Archie)
Buy a super8 motel coffee mug for a free refill at any of their 2100 outlets in US of A (Dave Hambidge)
Drink a spoonful of calamine lotion… Apparently, I’ll vomit and shit to an extraordinary level… (Bernice)
Figure out Otto’s and my lunch schedule (Jim @ CoolStuffForDads.com)
Get philosophical with it (InActionMan IAM)
Enjoy my “rooooaaad trip!” (me)
Don’t pull a Tyler Durden! (jessica o)
Sleep in the car if Otto’s butt looks like a red catchers mitt (fundamentaljelly)
Drink vodka (Alex L.)
Go naked (nurse myra)
Get ready to see Otto in the nude (bearman)
Visit one of the dozens of nationally, regionally and locally significant landmarks (Ramblin’ Rooster)
Listen to Alien Sex Fiend (Capitalist Lion Tamer – okay, he didn’t say that, but I think he would want me to)
Tell Clark I have swine flu (clairecollins)
Bring a monkey (Chris)
Kill Otto and take heroin (Marissa)
Drink, but recognize that it won’t help (Aunt Baaa)
How are you getting to Omaha? If you’re driving and coming from the west I hope you brought something to keep your sanity.
Hey SGT. C
Thanks for dropping by the office. 20 hours in a car with Otto will be a true test of my sanity. I don’t like my odds.
Just curious: Is the drive your talking about a long flat one with absolutely nothing interesting to look at? You know, like in a Flintstone’s cartoon when they’d be driving and pass a boulder, tree, cave… Boulder, tree, cave… Boulder, tree, cave…
Count yourself lucky if you even get to see a tree in that rotation.
Doesn’t sound like our games of “I Spy” will be very challenging.
A trip through the lower Midwest always brings to mind my favorite line from “Dumb and Dumber”:
“Man, I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a lot rockier.
Yeah, that John Denver’s full of shit.”
It’s a great line!
😀
The dysfunction of Hamish is contagious!
Instead of developing a full full addiction (rehab is expensive, you know), why not go for spiritual enlightenment?
Use this, Alan, as an opportunity to be one with your fellow man.
To tolerate what cannot be tolerated.
To face your nemesis with compassion.
Om……
Ommmmmm…
It’s not working. Please prescribe.
😉
Brooklax prescribed …… official certificate ……..
Used once, but what the heck, I have an official photocopy 😀
… for sale at a price of course …….
😆
Now THAT is a masterful three-part sale’s pitch!
I’ll take everything you’ve got!
You aint seen the five part sales pitch yet …. I’m still working on it … 😆
You’ll have more stock than any bowel can handle …. 😉
Can’t wait!
…I think. 😉
This blog is really starting to piss me off. Get over it Alan, and start doing something original.
Honesty, I’d rather swan dive off my garage head first into a thumb tack then read any more of this dreck.
Grow the fuck up!!
Harmony, Harmony, Harmony…
You’re confused again.
You meant to leave your comment here http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/
That’s where all the angst ridden kids are hanging out.
You also might want to go easy on the coffee, my little hand puppet, friend. And perhaps manually satisfying yourself once in a while might relax you a bit too.
I have to apologize for this one. See, Harmony still has my password and I haven’t changed it yet. I will resolve this Alan, I promise you.
Are you kidding?
On the contrary. I want to thank you!
Harmony and I went out for coffee, beer and borscht.
We’re dating now. And deliriously happy. We’re like Romeo and Juliet. Only along with dating each other, we’re also dating other people.
Oh, sure, this might end up in tragedy – but right now it just feels so good!
Bless you!
Oh my…
It gets worse…
Harmony just left me.
She broke my heart. She stole my wallet. She’s dating my best friend, Bruce, an Australian marsupial.
Earlier on you said, “I will resolve this Alan”
*cough*
ask otto to drive and take some pain meds that will knock your ass out so you don’t wake up until you arrive at your final destination.
😀
Helen!
Wonderful to see you. Soemthing tells me I’ll be knocking back the meds all week.
🙂
Alan, I have been informed by the comments police that you are in violation of several of their laws – these include:
a) Having more comments than most of us have had on all their posts, like EVER, on one thread
b) Being funnier in your comments thread than most of us have been in our posts
c) Showing me up
d) Really showing me up
I urge you to take immediate action. That involves making me look better. Thank you.
womaninblack – this was an amazing long thread. It’s almost it’s own little forum.
Filled with some very wonderful tips on “How To Lose An Otto In 10 Hours!”
Why thank you very much, womaninblack.
Your kind words make me feel giddy, bubbly, effervescent, chirpy, bashful, dopey, doc, and… pretty.
But the real credit goes to all the fabulously creative and funny people who leave such wonderful comments. (Yourself included, of course.)
As for these violations of mine: They shall be dealt with right away. I shall start by thoroughly violating myself with a spanner. After I’ve had my way with me, I suspect it’s a simple downward spiral into the abyss of remorse, shame, cross addiction, and, what the hell, cross-dressing.
If that fails, I can always jam a Number 3 Pencil up my nose.
Teh Internet, LOL.
(I’m typing my new, compliant comments in an ill-fitting black dress, in accordance with Comment Thread Bylaw 101.3.(a) – Nobody puts Baby in the corner.)
Laughing, out loud like. Baby in a corner! Most excellent.
*cough*
I’m standing right here…
😉
This ill-fitting black dress…
Is it little and shiny?
(Gavin Friday wrote a song about a little black dress… I believe it was called Little Black Dress.)
He always had a sly way of disguising what the songs were really about, like Pagan Love Song, which was about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
I didn’t know that.
I always thought Pagan Love Song was about The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia…
Thanks for clearing that up, CLT!
I’m in agreement with Womaninblack. If you are going to have a party this big, you should make it a progressive dinner or something and share the love.
Well, I like to pretend I’m progressive. And I find if I pretend on something enough I end up believing my deluded self and my delusions of progressive dinner party grandeur.
I’ll need to start thinking on a menu with seasonal themes and tie-in decorations. I’m thinking Turtle Soup, Sumatran Tiger, and Visayan Warty Pig served on Elephant Tusk Skewers.
Or maybe I’ll just order in a pizza.
…. and supply free booze …..
“Brooklax-free” booze!
😀
We’re so close to the 200 mark.
Dinner and booze should bring in enough to get us there.
Did you see Mr. Truitt? He’s passed out under the table with the windsock on his head and a screwdriver in his hand. Someone took his pants.
The whole unconscious thing makes a person oddly quiet, commentwise.
Oh, wait. The windsock is on his hand and the screwdriver is in his head.
Makes a person oddly quiet, and possibly, completely dead.
And not much fun at parties.
Hahaha. It’s my new look. I wear it poorly, I might add.
But it wasn’t a screwdriver in my hand, it was a soldering iron and the remnants of a well-used cock ring.
So… No heroin, then?
There’s always room for h-e-r-o-i…..(too many letters to be true to the jingle)
That’s okay. We’re all too stoned to notice.
I think the screwdriver in the head finally solved the business trip problem.
The solution to all of life’s problems?
A screwdriver in the head!
It has to be a well-placed screwdriver. Otherwise, you just end up screwed in the head.
If you get it in the butt… Then you’ve just been screwed.
That means a lot coming from a man secretly named Anal Rut
Hahahha!
Nice, Claire!
Yeah… I walked right into that one.
Hilarity.
Thanks for the great setup. Couldn’t have been more perfect for yet another round of anal humor.
Hear! Hear!
“Bartender, another round of anal humor. And keep ’em coming!”
well-used… cock ring…
‘Nuf said.
You’re quite right. And yet, I have this insatiable need to say more about it. What the hell’s that all about?
😛
I think you’re bragging.
Bragging: It’s the downfall of the insatiable cock ring user. That and anal ruts.
😉
I’m 200 damn it!
You don’t look a day over 95, Don!
Dang! I go run errands, check in here and we’re at 205!! I’ve heard about borscht, cock rings, and progressive dinners.
And yet, have we come up with a definitive way to off Otto?
Yikes – I left a comment on the wrong post! Alantru, I can’t even keep up anymore. This blog is out of control!!
I’m going to check on the RECENT comments.
You should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!
😀
I get a little thrill every time you reference Looney Tunes! X)
😛
Thanks, doc!