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Archive for the ‘Staff – Nutless Tom’ Category

sick days strippy2
Last night we celebrated Nutless Tom’s bachelor party.

It didn’t go well…

Tom had been waffling on the where and when for two months.

Finally, he told me “I want the mother of all raunchy parties.”

Figures. It’s always the Scientologists…

That’s why I asked Mike to help.

He said “I’m the master of raunch!”

I had to agree…

He booked us a table at Strippy McNudes

So there we were: Otto, Farook from Accounting, Jack from Payroll, Goth Mark, Mike, Nutless Tom, and me at Strippy McNudes

Farook had his arm around my neck all night and kept giggling into my ear “I’m randy, Alpo.”

Otto tried to stuff nickels and pennies down the stripper’s g-string and was almost thrown out.

Goth Mark got drunk on two beers, told me he knew that I hated his band, and spent the rest of the night calling me a “useless asshole.”

Jack from Payroll kept showing me pictures of his wife.

Mike never stopped yelling “Hoo, baby! I want to drag my nuts across your guts!”

And with every passing minute, Nutless Tom scowled even harder at me.

I started drinking… Heavily.

Later, Nutless plunked himself beside me and said “You should know, I broke up with Tracy two weeks ago. The wedding’s off.”

I said “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He said “Because you did such a crap job as best man, I figured the least you could do was throw me a decent party. But this sucks. You failed, Alpo.”

The rest is a blur.

I kind of remember Nutless Tom flat on his back on a table covered in beer, and my hands around his throat and screaming “Die! Die! Die!”

I’m pretty sure it was Mike who was yelling “Whoa! Alpo! Stop! For nerk’s sake, he’s turning blue!”

Apparently the guys eventually pulled me off Tom.

Then the police arrived…and it all went downhill from there.

And that’s how I got arrested for assaulting Nutless Tom.

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sick days wedding hell
Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.

But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”

According to Nutless:

-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.

-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).

-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.

…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.

And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.

I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”

He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”

He just emailed me my speech.

Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…

When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…

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sick days wedding hell
This morning, Nutless Tom told me he was getting married.

I said “Congratulations!”

He said “Thanks. You’ll be my best man, right?”

I laughed…

He looked… puzzled.

Up until this morning, I thought “Nutless Tom” was one of the few sane people here.

We’d had a couple of friendly conversations and gone out for a beer – once.

I had to end this – fast!

Me: Umm, Tom, uh, I… Nerk!!!

Tom: Thanks, pal. I knew I could count on my BFF, Alpo.

Me: BFF?

Tom: Sure. I got rid of all my old friends last year. They were dragging me down. You’re my go to guy now, Alan.

Me: Me? No! Look, I –

Tom: You’ll love Tracy.

Me: Tracy?

Tom: I met her last week. We’re getting married in two months. Is that too soon? The wedding theme is the 1920’s. How do you feel about top hats and spats?

Me: Tom, I barely know you.

Tom: Ha, ha! That’s funny, Alpo. You should use that in your speech.

Me: My what?

Tom: At the wedding. Your speech. Anyway, I’ll let you start thinking on bachelor party ideas. Nothing to raunchy, okay, buddy? But nothing too tame either.

Me: But–

Tom: We can talk tuxes at lunch. Think about top hats and spats. Oh! Plus you need to meet Tracy. And my family. And hers! We’re all having dinner next week. Actually there’s gonna be a bunch of upcoming dinners… So clear your calendar. I’m so happy! And the best part? She’s a Scientologist too!

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nutzy-milly-yes-again-zamy

Our office has a strict “No Nuts” policy…

*Cough*

Anyway… Some of the folks who work here have severe peanut allergies. So we aren’t allowed to bring peanuts, peanut butter, etc., to work.

Fair enough. I don’t want my sandwich to kill anyone.

But there’s a small group here that call the peanut policy “discriminatory.”

Typhoid Mildred is their ringleader. Mildred doesn’t believe in allergies. She thinks anaphylactic reaction is something you can “walk off.”

Mildred and her peanut crusaders claim that the “anti-nut lunatic fringe” are “fakers who want special treatment.”

They really get angry about it.

They whisper to each other about “Fragile Jill” and “Nutless Tom” as though having an allergy was a lifestyle choice… An EpiPen, a fashion accessory.

They also wave Snickers bars around recklessly.

I’m sure if Nutless Tom collapsed in Mildred’s cubicle, she’d shake her finger at him and say “You’ll get no attention from me, ya blubbering baby.”

That right, Mildred. He’s just like a child holding his breath…Only a little more permanently.

She’s okay with peanuts, but today she told me to stop wearing aftershave.

According to Mildred, I smell like a woman and it “gets up her nose.”

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