I’m in the new Vancouver office training sales staff. Everyone here is really nice.

It’s unnerving.

They all seem so happy and relaxed. It must be the mountains.

Or the pot.

So, there’s really nothing to report.

Well… One thing…

Ever since I’ve found out that Carlita is my new boss, I’ve been having weird dreams about her… Last night my subconscious took it to a new unconscious level…


I’m seated before Carlita and she’s going over my resume. But it’s not my work resume – it’s my dating resume. Apparently I’ve asked her out. And now I’m about to get my answer. She puts down my dating resume and cracks her knuckles…

Carlita – Okay, Alan, I’ve looked over your dating resume and I have a few questions.

Alan — Of course.

Carlita — It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there’s no indication of why you left.

Alan — I felt that things had become static and that I needed new challenges…I’m not the type of man that likes complacency, I think that one must constantly be trying to achieve more.

Carlita – Hmm. Interesting…

Alan — It’s not that I’m fickle. It just wasn’t the right relationship for me.

Carlita — And it took you three years to determine that?

Alan — I tried to make things work… I don’t run away from problems.

Carlita – If you say so. What experience did you gain?

Alan — An awful lot actually. I certainly strengthened my interpersonal skills and developed a lot of patience when it comes to dating a cat person. I also worked on improving my sexual skills and I learned to cook.

Carlita — Great, because I am looking for a good cook.

Alan – My Coquilles Saint Jacques is mouth watering.

Carlita – And yet, when you say it, it sounds filthy… Anyway, I’m still considering a number of different men.

Alan — Of course, I just feel I’m the right man.

Carlita – Well, that’s swell… Now before your last relationship, you had a series of brief encounters.

Alan — Yes… Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.

Carlita — And you believe you know what you’re looking for now?

Alan — I’m ready to commit to a long term relationship.

Carlita — That’s good, but you do understand that this is only a temporary position. If things work out, the option of marriage is there.

Alan — I understand, but I also feel I’m ready for marriage and children.

Carlita — I am a bit concerned about this homosexual relationship in 97.

Alan — I’m something of a risk taker, Carlita, but I feel that’s one of my strong points. I decided to try that option but quickly discovered it wasn’t for me.

Carlita — You didn’t date much in high school.

Alan — I was shy, but I got over that. As you can see, I’ve taken courses at The Learning Annex.

Carlita — Alan, let’s forget the resume for a minute, it doesn’t really tell me an awful lot.

Alan — Okay.

Carlita – This is a very important position I’m looking to fill.

Alan – PLAQUE! I mean… NARP! I mean… I understand completely.

Carlita — I’ve seen over two hundred men…

Alan — Well, it’s an attractive relationship.

Carlita — I don’t mean in interviews, I mean I’ve seen over two hundred men, and, quite frankly I’m tired of it. I want to make sure that the next one is the right one…How are you in bed?

Alan — Um, well, as you can see by my references, I come highly recommended. Not to boast but I believe my sensitivity to the female orgasm sets me apart from many others in my field.

Carlita — Huh. Why should I give you my love?

Alan — Well, I’m faithful… I’m reliable. Dependable. Loving, romantic, sleepy, sneezy, dopey… I think you’re attractive, and I give a relationship a hundred and ten percent.

Carlita — And why shouldn’t I?

Alan – Ooh a curveball! Hah! Well, I don’t have the best sense of humour in the world.

Carlita — I think you’re funny… In an odd sort of a way.

Alan — Thanks. I think. Look Carlita, I’ll be honest…I need this relationship. I haven’t had one in almost two years and I’m pretty desperate. I’ll work hard and treat you well.

Carlita – Yes, I’m sure you would. But…

Alan — I’m hung! … I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I just said that.

Carlita – That’s alright. In fact, you should have made a note of it.

Alan — I don’t like to brag.

Carlita — That’s what a resume is for…

Alan — I suppose.

Carlita — Alright Alan, I think you’ve got the relationship. I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me… Not an easy task. Plus I’ll want comfort, support and understanding. There will be interaction with my family and I’ll expect you to maintain an apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and buy me flowers regularly. Any questions?

Alan — Just about the sex…Um, uh, er, ahh, yah, hmm, will I be required to…?

Carlita — Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don’t climax easily so be prepared to work.

Carlita shakes my hand.

Carlita — Congratulations.

Delays, delays…

sick days my name is al
Our new Acting Manager, Carlita Paonessa, informed me that I’m being sent to the new Vancouver office for three weeks to train sales staff.

Carlita wears power very well.   

The truth is, I get a little weak at the knees when she orders me around…    

Anyway, I’m at the airport and I just overheard a very strange conversation…

Airport Chat

Man – Delays, delays. Planes are always late.

Woman – I guess…

Man – Hi. I’m a professional bowler. Ever heard of me?

Woman – Um, what’s your name?

Man – Pete.

Woman – Pete, what?

Man – Pete Fressner. Professional bowler.

Woman – I don’t follow bowling much.

Man – So, you’ve never heard of me?

Woman – No. Sorry.

Man – Well, I’m not one of the biggies… yet. But someday.

Woman – I’m sure… It must be an interesting career… Bowling.

Man – Well, it keeps me in spare change… That’s a bowler’s joke.

Woman – Yes. Very funny.

Man – So, you’re going Vancouver?

Woman – Uh huh.

Man – Me too. Guess what for.

Woman – To bowl…?

Man – No, to visit my father. He’s sick.

Woman – Oh, I’m sorry.

Man – Ever heard of him?

Woman – Who?

Man – My father, he was a curler.

Woman – And his name is…?

Man – James Fressner. Professional curler.

Woman – I don’t follow curling much.

Man – Well, he wasn’t what you’d call one of the biggies. Still, he had a following.

Woman – I’m sure he did.

Man – So, are you married?

Woman – What?

Man – You married?

Woman – Uh, no actually I’m not.

Man – Great! Wanna bowl a few games in Vancouver?

Woman – I’m engaged.

Man – To who? Maybe I heard of him.

Woman – I doubt it.

Man – Let me guess, his name is Roger, right?

Woman – No. Do you know if there’s a washroom nearby?

Man – No. So, are you gonna marry this guy, Roger, or whatever his name is?

Woman – I think I just heard my name over the P.A. I should check.

Man – Your fiancé… Does he bowl?

Woman – No. He plays tennis.

Man – Really? He’s not Roger Federer is he? I’ve heard of him.

Woman – No. He does it in his spare time. He’s a doctor.

Man – Dr. Phil? I heard of him.

Woman – Look, I really don’t like you asking me all these personal questions.

Man – Fair enough… So, you ever bowl?

Woman – No. Never.

Man – Never?

Woman – Well… 5 pin. Years ago.

Man – 5 pin? What alley? Maybe I know it.

Woman – I don’t remember.

Man – Oh. So, what do you do?

Woman – I’m a realtor.

Man – Really? I got a house. Maybe you know it.

Woman – Maybe I do. Where the fuck is it?

Man – Donlands and Curlew.

Woman – Never heard of it. Never want to hear of it!

Man – Gotcha. You got a house?

Woman – Yeah, I got a house. A big house. An expensive house.

Man – What? About two million?

Woman – Easily.

Man – Nice. Wanna go out some time?

Woman – Not in a million years!

Man – Oh… It’s because I’m a bowler, isn’t it?

sick days vacationx 1
I’ll be taking the next month off.

Given the recent events, I asked Trudy from HR if I could get a bit of an extended vacation.

She said “Whatever you want Alpo, just don’t strangle me.”

Then she burst out laughing…

Oh, and I have a new nickname – The Hamish Strangler.

It could have been worse…

It could have been… The Nutless Choker.

sick days strippy2
Last night we celebrated Nutless Tom’s bachelor party.

It didn’t go well…

Tom had been waffling on the where and when for two months.

Finally, he told me “I want the mother of all raunchy parties.”

Figures. It’s always the Scientologists…

That’s why I asked Mike to help.

He said “I’m the master of raunch!”

I had to agree…

He booked us a table at Strippy McNudes

So there we were: Otto, Farook from Accounting, Jack from Payroll, Goth Mark, Mike, Nutless Tom, and me at Strippy McNudes

Farook had his arm around my neck all night and kept giggling into my ear “I’m randy, Alpo.”

Otto tried to stuff nickels and pennies down the stripper’s g-string and was almost thrown out.

Goth Mark got drunk on two beers, told me he knew that I hated his band, and spent the rest of the night calling me a “useless asshole.”

Jack from Payroll kept showing me pictures of his wife.

Mike never stopped yelling “Hoo, baby! I want to drag my nuts across your guts!”

And with every passing minute, Nutless Tom scowled even harder at me.

I started drinking… Heavily.

Later, Nutless plunked himself beside me and said “You should know, I broke up with Tracy two weeks ago. The wedding’s off.”

I said “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He said “Because you did such a crap job as best man, I figured the least you could do was throw me a decent party. But this sucks. You failed, Alpo.”

The rest is a blur.

I kind of remember Nutless Tom flat on his back on a table covered in beer, and my hands around his throat and screaming “Die! Die! Die!”

I’m pretty sure it was Mike who was yelling “Whoa! Alpo! Stop! For nerk’s sake, he’s turning blue!”

Apparently the guys eventually pulled me off Tom.

Then the police arrived…and it all went downhill from there.

And that’s how I got arrested for assaulting Nutless Tom.

Mildred got her job back.

She didn’t get her 200 million and she didn’t get Clark’s left testicle, but she got what she really wanted.

She looks very pleased to be back at Hamish.

And that is a testament to just how dedicated and crazy the woman is.

Oh, and we also received a memo from HR saying they’re pleased to announce that: “Effective immediately, Clark Renforth has been transferred to a management position in our Florida Branch, and while the recruitment process is under way, Carlita Paonessa will serve as Acting Manager.”

Clark doesn’t seem too broken up about leaving us.

As he packed up, we all heard him laughing and shouting “Florida? Awesome!”

Later, he danced out of his office and told us all how “sad” he was to be leaving and how much he would miss us.

It would have been easier to believe if he hadn’t been smiling from ear to ear.

He called us a great team and then skipped back into his office and finished packing.

Looks like it’s worked out for Clark and Mildred.

Speaking of Mildred…

When I had a moment alone with her I asked “So, did you steal the pencils?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said “Damn right I stole the pencils, ya eejit. I’ve been here 41 years and I’m entitled to help myself to a box of pencils, the odd stapler and occasional laptop. But if you tell anyone, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I think I gulped.

She burst out laughing and said, “Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies. I didn’t steal the bloody pencils.”

Then she chortled and went back to work.

Yeah, she stole them. I think…?

Nutless Scientology

sick days wedding hell
Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.

But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”

According to Nutless:

-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.

-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).

-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.

…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.

And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.

I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”

He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”

He just emailed me my speech.

Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…

When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…