Archive for the ‘Staff – Otto’ Category

sick days otto talk2
Just had lunch with Otto.

Where do they keep the antacids around here?

Int. Fast Food Restaurant – Day

Alan and Otto sitting in booth. They’ve just finished eating their burgers and fries.

Me: So, Otto-mobile.

Otto: I don’t find that funny, Alan.

Me: Sorry. Can you pass me a napkin?

Otto: A napkin?

Me: Yeah, you know, for wiping your mouth.

Otto: I know what a napkin is.

Me: Great. Can you pass me one?

Otto: You don’t have your own?

Me: Uh, no…

Otto: What happened to your napkins?

Me: I forgot to get them. Luckily you grabbed some napkins. So, can you ‘lend’ me one?

Otto: Are you sure you don’t have any napkins? Have you looked under your tray?

Me: Yeah, Otto. I’ve done a pretty exhaustive search.


Otto: I can’t help you.

Me: Excuse me?

Otto: I have 3 napkins. If I loan you one, I’ll only have 2.

Me: And…

Otto: And, I like to have at least 2 back up napkins.

Me: Sounds sensible, but… Come on, Otto.

Otto: I don’t think so.

Me: Otto, just give me a napkin.

Otto: Sorry, but if I give you one, I set a dangerous precedent. Next thing I know you’ll be asking me for a few fries and then a bite of my cheeseburger and a sip of my strawberry shake …

Me: Fine…

Otto: Maybe you should get a napkin holder… To help you organize…

Me: Thanks, Otto…

Otto: Or monogrammed napkins…

Me: Okay, Otto…

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Otto sick day gas horror
Otto continues to be unwell. (That’s the understatement of the year.)

He called in sick again.

As is always the case, an Otto-free zone means everyone’s getting a lot more work done. Plus, the weirdo quotient is lower.

This morning we needed to get a file from his filing cabinet. No one wanted to go near it. We all figured it was probably booby trapped – or possessed.

I drew the short straw…

I started in his top drawer. That was okay. A stapler, nine boxes of business cards and a flier from a sperm bank. Weird, but not the sort of thing that leaves you unhinged.

The middle drawer was stranger. Much stranger. A copy of my personal file, a kazoo, a pair of underpants, an I Love Lucy Pez dispenser, and a mini chainsaw.

It was in the bottom drawer that I hit the mother-lode of freakiness. I found the files, thankfully, but also…

A Wonder Woman action figure

A gas mask

A bunch of photocopies of someone’s ass (Otto’s, I’m guessing)

A plastic bag of chattering teeth

A carton of Yak Milk

A book about “American Elves”

A stuffed and mounted hamster

Pencil sketches of Clark

And what looked suspiciously like a human toe

I’m never going back in there again. Ever. I have to call our EAP now. Plus, I need a long shower and about five years of therapy.

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sick days to do
Otto was off sick today. Despite the additional work, this is a good thing.

But we had a minor crisis involving one of Otto’s files and I had to ransack his desk in search of some paperwork.

Otto’s desk is – I suspect – much like the inside of his head. A dark, cluttered and scary place.

I found the file and a number of other troubling objects.

Perhaps the most intriguing thing I came across was his “to do” list from yesterday.

It didn’t have much to do with actual “work” but it sure provides some fascinating insights into the weirdness that is Otto.

Otto’s Thursday “To Do” List

1. Breathe. Remember to Breathe

(I’m hoping this is a calming exercise and not just a basic reminder on one of the necessities of life, but with Otto, honestly, who knows?)

2. Write Friday’s “to do” list

(He wrote one thing. It was “Don’t get sick!”)

3. Compliment Clark on his shoes

(His Wednesday list had “tie,” and Tuesday had “breath.”)

4. Give “problem” files to Alan

(Mystery solved.)

5. Rat on Mildred


6. Call Attorney/Dog Groomer/Masseuse/Orthodontist

(I’m hoping these aren’t all the same person.)

7. F1444-33/Ottoclock@ 3.00p.m. sharp!

(Just unnerving. If I hear ticking, I’m out of here.)

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Otto called in sick yesterday.

Apparently, his blood wasn’t coagulating properly. At least that’s the excuse he gave when he phoned in.


He can’t just say “food poisoning” or “coming down with something.”

No, Otto has to have issues with blood coagulation. You know, something you can easily follow up on.

He’s back today. And he’s remarkably tanned. Apparently getting lots of sun is good for your blood. Golf too, I expect.

I know I should let it go. Everyone takes a mental health day now and again. And if anyone needs to address their mental health issues, it’s Otto.

But it’s just too much fun. So I spent the morning asking him about symptoms, about the diagnosis and the long-term implications of blood that isn’t coagulating properly.

He shifted nervously in his chair and said his doctor advised him to “take it easy for a day or two.”

By noon, word of Otto’s rare form of blood illness had spread throughout the office.

Everyone was interested and asking him about it. Was it permanent? Could it be treated. What caused it?

I asked him what his blood type was. He didn’t know.

Mary Margaret asked him if he’d need a transfusion. He wasn’t entirely sure what that meant.

Typhoid Mildred suggested he needed more iron. He nodded meekly.

All in all, it was quite the outpouring of concern.

By noon, Otto was hunched over his computer and appeared to be reading from an on-line medical journal.

Guess it didn’t help because he left quite suddenly at 1 p.m.

Apparently, he had a headache and needed to go home.

Good call, Otto. Stick to the unverifiable in the future.

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So, I Googled Otto…

My guess: He makes up 90% of the web’s content.

He’s LinkedIn, on Facebook, MySpace, etc…

But where he really has a presence is on the comment boards.

He goes by many Otto pun aliases… Otto-bon, Otto-mobile, Otto-maton, Otto-code…

All of them link to Otto@HamishIndustries.com

Otto-cracy, Otto-type, Otto-matic …

There are more, but you get the idea…

He has opinions on astrophysics, video gaming, fly fishing. I’m not sure any of them make any sense… I’m just saying he has lots of opinions.

He has 12 Blogs.

My favourite entry was from his business blog: “Otto’s Top 5 Successful Office Networking Tips.”

1.   Treat All Events as Networking – From borrowing money from relatives to getting a haircut. It’s all networking!!!
2.   Be Positive – Remember, you’re the best. Now get out there and meatwork.*
3.   Small Talk, Small Talk, Small Talk – Learn stock phrases like, “Sounds good.” And “Let’s do this on the move.” Watch the sales roll in!
4.   Business Cards are KEY – Leave them in phone booths, pass them out at the line-ups in Wendy’s, stand on street corners handing them out like leaflets. You need to “be out there.”
5.   Nestwork** – Talk to 200 new clients a day. No excuses. Do it!

This is pretty rich. Especially when you consider that everyone here pretends to be on the phone when Otto walks by.

*I think this is a typo.
**Again, likely a typo…I think.

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Just had a conversation with Otto. Where do they keep the aspirin around here?

Me: Hey, Otto-maton.

Otto: I don’t find that funny, Alan.

Me: Sorry. Can I borrow a pencil?

Otto: A pencil?

Me: Yeah, you know, the lead filled…

Otto: I know what a pencil is.

Me: Great. Can I borrow one?

Otto: You don’t have your own?

Me: Uh, no…

Otto: What happened to your pencils?

Me: I’m not sure. I just need a pencil and there aren’t any in the supply cabinet.

Otto: Have you looked under your desk?

Me: Yeah, Otto. I’ve done a pretty exhaustive search.

Otto: Funny how pencils are going missing. I wonder if someone is taking them home?

Me: Maybe. Hard to say. So, can I grab a pencil?


Otto: I can’t help you.

Me: Excuse me?

Otto: I have 3 pencils. If I loan you one, I’ll only have 2.

Me: And…

Otto: And, I like to have at least 2 back up pencils.

(Deep breath. Try to smile.)

Me: Sounds sensible, but I just need it for a minute.

Otto: I don’t think so. You’re obviously not very careful with them.

Me: It’s just a pencil, Otto.

Otto: Perhaps, but I don’t see why I should be penalized for your carelessness.

Me: Otto, just lend me a pencil.

Otto: Sorry, but if I lend you one, I set a dangerous precedent. Next thing I know people are asking me for staples, post it notes, pens…

(Rub throbbing temples. Accept defeat.)

Me: Fine….

Otto: Maybe you should get a pencil case… To help you organize…

Me: Thanks, Otto…

Otto: Or write your name on them…

Me: Okay, Otto…

(Return to desk. Make mental note to come in early tomorrow and hide Otto’s chair.)

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