Posts Tagged ‘business trip’

sick days my name is al
Our new Acting Manager, Carlita Paonessa, informed me that I’m being sent to the new Vancouver office for three weeks to train sales staff.

Carlita wears power very well.   

The truth is, I get a little weak at the knees when she orders me around…    

Anyway, I’m at the airport and I just overheard a very strange conversation…

Airport Chat

Man – Delays, delays. Planes are always late.

Woman – I guess…

Man – Hi. I’m a professional bowler. Ever heard of me?

Woman – Um, what’s your name?

Man – Pete.

Woman – Pete, what?

Man – Pete Fressner. Professional bowler.

Woman – I don’t follow bowling much.

Man – So, you’ve never heard of me?

Woman – No. Sorry.

Man – Well, I’m not one of the biggies… yet. But someday.

Woman – I’m sure… It must be an interesting career… Bowling.

Man – Well, it keeps me in spare change… That’s a bowler’s joke.

Woman – Yes. Very funny.

Man – So, you’re going Vancouver?

Woman – Uh huh.

Man – Me too. Guess what for.

Woman – To bowl…?

Man – No, to visit my father. He’s sick.

Woman – Oh, I’m sorry.

Man – Ever heard of him?

Woman – Who?

Man – My father, he was a curler.

Woman – And his name is…?

Man – James Fressner. Professional curler.

Woman – I don’t follow curling much.

Man – Well, he wasn’t what you’d call one of the biggies. Still, he had a following.

Woman – I’m sure he did.

Man – So, are you married?

Woman – What?

Man – You married?

Woman – Uh, no actually I’m not.

Man – Great! Wanna bowl a few games in Vancouver?

Woman – I’m engaged.

Man – To who? Maybe I heard of him.

Woman – I doubt it.

Man – Let me guess, his name is Roger, right?

Woman – No. Do you know if there’s a washroom nearby?

Man – No. So, are you gonna marry this guy, Roger, or whatever his name is?

Woman – I think I just heard my name over the P.A. I should check.

Man – Your fiancé… Does he bowl?

Woman – No. He plays tennis.

Man – Really? He’s not Roger Federer is he? I’ve heard of him.

Woman – No. He does it in his spare time. He’s a doctor.

Man – Dr. Phil? I heard of him.

Woman – Look, I really don’t like you asking me all these personal questions.

Man – Fair enough… So, you ever bowl?

Woman – No. Never.

Man – Never?

Woman – Well… 5 pin. Years ago.

Man – 5 pin? What alley? Maybe I know it.

Woman – I don’t remember.

Man – Oh. So, what do you do?

Woman – I’m a realtor.

Man – Really? I got a house. Maybe you know it.

Woman – Maybe I do. Where the fuck is it?

Man – Donlands and Curlew.

Woman – Never heard of it. Never want to hear of it!

Man – Gotcha. You got a house?

Woman – Yeah, I got a house. A big house. An expensive house.

Man – What? About two million?

Woman – Easily.

Man – Nice. Wanna go out some time?

Woman – Not in a million years!

Man – Oh… It’s because I’m a bowler, isn’t it?

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sick days super 8
We just got back from the “Windows and Doors” convention.

I drove all night just to get us to the office. Me, Otto and Clark.

Yes, Clark.

I hadn’t seen Clark all week. Until he showed up at my motel at 1am, last night.

He was completely drunk. His pants were ripped and he told me needed 20 dollars to pay the “cab” in the parking lot. I believe the cab’s name was Shantel.

He told me the “assholes at the Hilton” threw him out.

I asked him where his luggage was. He said “Luggage is for losers.”

He stumbled into our room and shouted “Party!!!” Otto continued to snore.

Then he said “Let’s drink, Alpo.”

He opened our mini fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer. He opened one with his teeth and handed it to me.

I said “There’s an opener on the table.”

He said “Openers are for losers.”

He stuck the bottle in his mouth and popped it open.

Then he screamed. Then his mouth started bleeding. And then Clark threw up on Otto.

That woke Otto up.

Otto sprang up out of a dead sleep, screaming and swinging.

He punched Clark in the face.

Clark crashed into the TV.

By now Otto was awake enough to realize he’d just slugged his boss in the nose. He started shouting “Punch me. Please. Punch me in the face. Then we’ll be even!”

Clark, bleeding from the nose and mouth, and covered in TV screen shards was too busy moaning in agony to return the favor.

About two minutes later Security arrived. Everyone agreed it was time we left.

We hit the road and started for home. Once you’ve been thrown out of a Super 8, there’s really nowhere left to go.

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sick days omaha. 450JPG
I’m in Omaha with Clark and Otto at a “Windows and Doors” trade show.

Yes, it’s as exciting as it sounds.

My 12 hour drive here with Otto was informative. I learned that he’s one of those people that likes to read aloud the names of every street sign and billboard you pass on the road.

That never gets tiring.

I also learned that Otto gets carsick and can’t read a map. And that he likes to drum his fingers on the dashboard and hum along to talk radio. I learned his license has expired and I’ll be doing the entire drive here and back.

We’re sharing a room at a Super 8 Motel while Clark bunks down at a real hotel.

Otto snores. Oh, he also likes to leave the lights on while he sleeps. And the television.

Did I mention that I’m considering killing Otto?

We’ve seen our boss, Clark, once.

He took us to our booth at the convention centre, handed us each a stack of promotional material and then disappeared into the crowd.

So, for now, I smile, nod, and hand out fliers to conventioneers that seem more interested in finding a bar and a local prostitute than in reading product information about Hamish Industries.

But then again, that could just be the fatigue setting in.

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sick days biz trip 1
Today Clark asked to see me in his office. History would suggest that this is not a good thing.

And history would be right.

Clark told me he was “presenting” at an important trade show in Omaha and that he wanted me to go with him.

I was surprised. I was flattered. I accepted.

Big mistake.

Turns out all he needs is someone to man a booth, hand out flyers and run his PowerPoint presentation.

Apparently, the corporate chimp is busy that week and I’m the next best simian for the job.

But, on the upside, it gets me out of the office, and it’s a good chance to spend some time with Clark. Get to know him better.

Then Otto entered…

Apparently, Otto is coming to Omaha too.

Turns out Otto and I will be sharing a room. At a Super 8 Motel. I also learned that Otto and I will be driving there together while Clark flies in to attend a pre-conference dinner.

That’s when I said “My throat feels a bit sore. I hope I’m not getting sick.”

Clark waved that off. Then he waved us out of his office.

We walked out. I looked at Otto. He seemed delighted.

He said that the 10 hour drive would give us lots of time to “talk windows” on the way there and “talk doors” on the way back.

We leave on Monday. I start drinking now.

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