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Archive for the ‘Company Policies’ Category

sick days no shoes
Today we all received a memo from Trudy in HR regarding “office attire” policy.

Trudy was reminding us that: “Women should not wear cut off shorts, tube/halter tops or have underwear exposed.”

“Women” not “men.”

So either us guys aren’t a problem or our underwear is considered acceptable for public viewing. If I had the nerve, I’d show up tomorrow in a belly shirt just to see which it is.

The email was actually directed at Naline.

Since it’s gotten warmer, Naline has started wearing less clothing. A lot less clothing.

Rumour has it that somewhere on the 23rd floor there was a recent Naline thong sighting. Apparently it caused a major panic. Thank goodness no one died.

Naline, bless her exposed belly button, wrote Trudy a rather surprising email and Cc’d all of us on it.

Trudy,

I agree. Exposed undies are a problem. But we need to remember that some of the ladies here are on the extra large size and are packing more reinforced armour than Sherman Tanks. It’s only natural we’ll catch the occasional glimpse of orthopedic girdle.

The “extra large” crack was aimed squarely at big Trudy.

We’ve started an office pool on “How long until Naline gets fired?”

Later, I asked Typhoid Mildred if she was upset that she wouldn’t be allowed to wear halter tops anymore.

She squinted, called me a “prat” and then said “it means no more ogling my body for you, ya bloody useless wanker.”

Then she went back to her filing.

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sick-days-soulless-spirit
So, my boss, Clark, assigned me to participate on the “spirit” committee…

Our job was to come up with ways to boost employee morale and “foster a positive and productive workplace culture.”

I was skeptical, cynical, and uninterested, which – apparently – made me an ideal candidate for membership…

But I did my part and showed up at the meetings.

I wouldn’t call them productive but we did get one idea off the ground…

“The First Annual Hamish Awards.”

…I didn’t say it was a good idea.

But it was all we had.

So we prepared nomination forms, posters and communication materials and were planning a lunch hour “event kick off” later this month…

Unfortunately, it appears our chair, Trudy from HR, overstepped her authority.

Turns out that forms, posters, kick offs and awards cost money.

And while Hamish Industries is big on “spirit” it is even bigger on “cost constraint.”

I’m told the “upper ups” went ballistic when Trudy shared our plan.

Apparently their plan was that we could “foster a positive and productive workplace culture” without a budget.

(I guess they were thinking “free spirit.” Although, I’m sure they’re not too fond of that either.)

And so, in typical Hamish Industries fashion, I received a memo this morning thanking me for my participation but advising that the “spirit” committee was being disbanded and that all “spirit activities” were being suspended until such time as a more fiscally responsible spirit committee could be appointed.

Please feel free to frown, however.

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sick-days-spirit-kill-me
So, my boss, Clark, “volunteered” me to be part of our corporate “spirit” committee.

Call us “Team Spirit.”

I went to my first meeting today.

The name “spirit” is fitting. Most of the committee look like they’ve been dead for a long time.

That’s probably because we were all forced to participate and no one has any interest in it… Or any actual spirit…

There was one exception to this rule: Trudy from HR. She’s chairing the whole thing.

Trudy has lots of energy and lots of ideas. In fact, she is the spirit committee. The rest of us are just mismatched window dressing.

Her first decision was to launch an employee recognition program.

Trudy suggested we call it The First Annual Hamish Awards.

No one objected. Or seemed to care…

Trudy called for nomination categories. Things like best customer service, best team building, innovations, leadership…

All the usual suspects.

She said “Who wants to kick this puppy off with the first nomination?”

There was a collective groan.

Then someone yelled “What? No way! Look, I was told that all I had to do was show up and pretend to be interested.”

Gotta admit, I was pretty surprised it was me.

Guess I’ve got more spirit than I realized.

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sick-days-three-things
Three little things…

Number 1

Mary Margaret and Jack from Payroll are unlikely friends.

They work in adjacent cubes. Despite the fact that they sit within 8 feet of each other, they call each other and talk on the phone.

I hear both of them speaking. I also hear their voices coming through their phone lines. So I hear it all in surround sound.

They must think that because they’re talking on the phone no one else can hear them… But they’re pretty loud. And their chats can get very personal.

I found out today that they think Naline is a slut, that Farook is hording paper, and that I can be “a bit of a knob.”

Number 2

Farook turns on his email “out of office” reply when he goes to lunch, or a meeting, or the bathroom. He turns it on and off about 30 times a day.

Number 3

Otto has a habit of sending me emails and then running to my desk immediately afterward and telling me that he sent me an email. He then tells me what he wrote in his email before I can read it.

I sent him an email today telling him to stop sending me emails and then running over to tell me what is in the emails before I open them.

Then I ran to his desk and told him that I sent him an email asking him to stop sending me emails and running over to my desk to tell me what is in them before I can open them.

…I’m learning.

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sick-days-help-me1
My boss, Clark, used to be in sales.

Based on my meeting with him today, you’d never have guessed.

This morning I walked by his office. He was on the phone. He snapped his fingers to get my attention. Then he waved me in.

After he hung up, he told me he needed a favor.

Apparently there’s a corporate “spirit” committee. Their mission? Find ways to boost employee morale.

Turns out it’s mandatory that every division have a rep on the committee.

Clark suggested that I should be our volunteer mandatory spirit rep.

He “sold” it by saying his hands were tied and as far as he was concerned it was all a colossal waste of time. Then he gave me the “hard sell.” I had no choice and at least it would get me out of here a few hours a month.

I believe the term is “voluntold.”

When I asked “Why me?” Clark looked pained.

I realized it was because I was walking by his door as he was getting his spirit committee orders.

But Clark used to be in sales. So he told me that he wanted someone who wouldn’t embarrass him… too much.

At this point, I think he sensed that his pitch was lacking “spirit.”

He tried to rally. He told me that I wouldn’t need to do anything, just show up and pretend to be interested.

Then he said “You can do that. Can’t you?”

…And so I’m now the customer service rep on the spirit committee.

My first suggestion to improve morale? Employees should avoid walking past their manager’s doors.

Go team!

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snow-day
We had two feet of snow yesterday.

In response: An email from our friend in Human Resources, Trudy Cousins.

She advises us that it often snows in the winter.

Thanks, Trudy. Anything else?

We are also told that heavy snow storms can result in challenges for employees getting to work.

Annnd…?

Trudy just wants to remind us that in the event of a severe winter storm, we are still expected to make every reasonable effort to report to work.

She also provides simple tips that will help us get to work while the rest of the free world is following the police advisories to stay off the roads except in the case of medical emergency.

Her tips include:

If you know a storm is coming, give yourself extra time for the morning drive
Purchase quality snow tires
Pack a shovel and blanket in the trunk of your car

I wonder what advice she has for getting to work during a nuclear attack…

If your car is vaporized, give yourself extra time for the morning walk
Purchase a quality radiation suit
Duck, cover and roll to the office

I called Trudy to find out policy on an insurance issue. But apparently she left early.

Guess she wanted to beat the traffic home.

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blue-triangle450
We had a “team breakaway” this morning.

It wasn’t my boss Clark’s idea. His notion of a breakaway would be to bus us all to another state and never look back.

It came from Trudy in HR. So it’s a corporate thing.

We started off by playing a game called “Mine Field.” Stuff is scattered on the floor and you have to “guide” your blindfolded partner through without blowing them up.

I worked with Farook from Accounting. It didn’t go well.

I told Clark that he’d have to write a letter to Farook’s parents explaining that he died valiantly in battle. Clark didn’t laugh.

Up next, we had someone come in to do our “True Colors.” It’s a very precise psychological test that is premised on the theory that human beings can be broken into one of four colors. Apparently we’re not as complicated a race as we like to think. I’m “Blue.”

After our colors were accessed it was time to find out what kind of “geometric shape” we are. I’m a “triangle.”

Most people are “square.” As a collective, they’re pretty pleased about it.

When I questioned the validity of labelling people as specific colors and shapes, Typhoid Mildred called me a “narrow minded little triangle… And a blue one at that!”

We ended with “Trust Exercises.”

I was partnered with Otto. I don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust anyone. We both agreed we weren’t going to do them. I think it’s the first thing Otto and I have agreed on.

Baby steps…

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