Archive for the ‘Staff – Mike’ Category

9.15am: Mike enters my cube. He sits on my desk. He shows me a picture of his daughter. He calls her “My little angel.”

She looks around 17 and has a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

9.30am: Mike’s still talking about his daughter. Along with being his little angel, she’s also whip smart, funny as hell, a high school dropout and pregnant.

9.41am: Mike leaves. Apparently he has to take an El Grande Dumpo.

9.57am: I hear Mike yelling “Don’t go in the men’s room! I just dropped an El Dumpo Supremo!”

10.15am: Mike asks me if I want to go “power drinking” with him tonight.

I politely decline. We have the following conversation.

Mike: Come on!

Me: No thanks.

Mike: Come on!!

Me: Maybe some other –

Mike: Come on!!!

Me: Not tonight.

Mike: Puss-y!!!!

11.16am: Mike enters my cube. He tells me he used to do well with the ladies. He spares me no details.

11.58am: Mike says he’s going to get his coat and then “we’re having lunch together.”

12.pm – 1pm: I hide behind the bank of photocopiers and eat my lunch. No sign of Mike.

1.42pm: I watch Mike steal a handful of change from the coffee kitty. He sticks the coins in his pocket, scratches his balls and laughs.

2.57pm: Mike says, “There you are. Come on. I’m going for a smoke break.”

3.19pm: I don’t smoke. But now I smell like I do.

4.00pm: Email from Mike. It says we’ll start tonight’s power drinking at a place called Strippy McNudes.

4.43pm: I leave early. As the elevator doors close behind me, I hear Mike shout out “Puss-y!”

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Mike is such a piece of work…

Along with everything else, he’s also a story topper. Any story you tell him, he always – and I mean ALWAYS – has to top it…

Mike: So, how was your weekend?

Me: It was okay, thanks. I had a sore throat. So… Low key.

Mike: Yeah, I had strep throat. I had to go the hospital. Doctors said I nearly died…

Me: Sorry to hear that… I got out for a short walk on Sunday. Get this, I left my keys in the house. Locked myself out.

Mike: I went jogging on Sunday. I jog 10 miles everyday… Got attacked by my neighbor’s dogs! Had to fight ‘em off with my bare hands…

Me: Wow. It’s amazing how they didn’t leave any scars.

Mike: My skin is unlike anyone else’s. It has incredible rejuvenating powers.

It’s usually around this point that I start to make things up just to watch him lie.

Me: You’re lucky. Speaking of which, I won 100 dollars in the lottery this weekend.

Mike: I won 10,000.

Me: Congratulations! Cool stuff like that never happens to me. Although, I thought I saw a UFO outside my window Sunday night.

Mike: It was probably the one that abducted me.

Me: Alien abduction?! I read about a guy who that happened to. He said they implanted a chip in his ear.

Mike: They implanted it in my ass.

Me: Anal probe? Unbelievable, Mike. I’ll have to tell my neighbor. He knows a lot about this stuff.

Mike: My neighbor is the world’s number one authority on it.

Me: Incredible… Anyway, I should get back to work. Clark asked me to get him the quarterly report.

Mike: Yeah, I’m working on the annual report for the CEO. Special project.

Me: See you later.

Mike: I’ll see you first.

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There’s a guy in the office that no one likes.

His name is Mike.

Ask anyone who works here and they’ll tell you, “I don’t like Mike.”

They don’t like Mike.

Mike is in sales. He’s short, wide, has tight curly hair and laughs at his own jokes.

When he comes out of the men’s room, he yells out “Don’t go in there! I just dropped an El Dumpo Supremo!”

Mike wanders around the office yelling into his cell phone. Business calls, personal calls, he’s always doing the “cell yell.” He’s pretty animated. Always rolling his eyes and shaking his head at whoever it is he’s talking to.

He has nicknames for everybody. He calls me “Little Buddy.”

I’m around six inches taller than him…

About two minutes ago I saw him steal a handful of change from the office coffee kitty.

He scooped up the coins like they were mints, stuck them in his pocket, scratched his balls and laughed.

So now he’s put me in an awkward situation.

And I don’t like Mike for doing that.

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