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sick days dollywood
Naline is taking a week off in Dollywood.

She’s been sending me emails. I’m sensing a theme.

First, she has drunken fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 6, 2009 2:41 AM
Subject: Hahajs!

Alpo! You dick. Ha. Just joking man. I’m in dollywood. And drunk out of my skull. So, me and Pete went out and saw Dolly’s family perform. HA! “Perform” No, not sex, you perv!!!!!!!!!!!
Lazer, Nail me

And then, remorse…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 7, 2009 1.06 PM
Subject: Sorry

Alan. Whoa! Sorry about my email. Please delete. Okay? I’m having a nice vacation. No sign of Dolly. I’m staying in Pigeon Forge (it’s not as bad as it sounds)…The weather is great.

Then more drunken fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 3.09 AM
Subject: Allllllllllpo

Bury it dude and make me bark! HA! Just kidding!!! You rock alpo. Pete’s an asshole.

Followed by…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 2.19 PM
Subject: My apologies

Al, I’m really sorry. I just need to stay away from the laptop. Sorry. No more emails. I promise.

Then once again, more fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 1.43 AM
Subject: Hagh al tis si funy

ahahahahh… sorry, I know. But ti I ting is we shoul have sexy,fuck, al, you’re areal cute guy and I’m attracted toyou, but petes such an asshole…hahahahhh central refrigerators wtf lol

And finally an email that chills me to my core…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 6.34 PM
Subject: Please Forgive Me!

Alan,

You must think I’m crazy. But I’m not. I just have problems with boundaries. Anyway, I’ll see you at Hamish next week. I broke up with Pete. He’s a premature ejaculator and has herpes in both places. He’s also very jealous. He really hates you, by the way. Maybe we can have lunch…?

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sick-days-lunch-room-naline
I spent 60 minutes in the lunchroom with Naline today.

I learned all kinds of things about her.

Naline says whatever’s on her mind. It’s one of those characteristics that sounds admirable in theory. But in practice… not so much.

Did you know that Naline has a yeast infection? I do. And apparently it’s “a really bad one!”

Hey, if I don’t tell you, she will. And if you’re unlucky, she’ll tell you while you’re eating a tuna sandwich.

I asked her to pass the salt and she told me that she’s had breast enhancements. I decided against asking for the pepper.

Apparently she had her breasts done in order to look more like her hero, Dolly Parton.

Every summer, Naline makes the pilgrimage to her Mecca, Dollywood.

She’s also planning on dying her red hair blonde in order to look more “Dolly-esque.” She wants to be a Dolly Parton impersonator.

Then she told me her dad was in jail. And that her sister is divorced but is “still hot.” I also learned that her boyfriend has herpes – in both places, and that she’s a recovering alcoholic.

I said she didn’t need to impersonate a country-western singer. It sounds like she has all the material needed to write her own hit songs.

She burst out laughing and gently punched me on the shoulder. Apparently I have a great sense of humor.

Next she said that she hated Otto and had a crush on Clark.

Then she told me she had problems with “boundaries.”

I’d never have guessed.

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sick-days-dolly

You know how it is when something gets under your skin. Like a dripping faucet. Or a branch hitting a window. It’s not the sound that bugs you. It’s the repetition…

When you aren’t hearing it – you’re waiting for it.

There’s been a cube shuffle. I have a new neighbour. Naline Rioux. Naline is short and sort of cute. She has massive boobs and big red hair.

She’s also a huge country music fan…

Naline likes to sing country music songs. She doesn’t sing them loudly. That I could get behind…

Naline whisper-sings. All day long. And out of tune.

I’ve scoured our HR policies. I’ve looked through the employee assistance program. I’ll even check the Geneva Convention – because if this isn’t against company policy, it’s definitely a crime against humanity.

It got to the point where she finishes singing a song… And I sit wondering… Wondering if it’s finally over… Waiting, waiting, and then…

Jolene, Jolene…

Today I got up my nerve, went over and asked if she could please stop singing.

She said “Ha! Who? Me? Singing? No way! Was I singing?”

I said “Yes.”

She said “Wow. Sor-ry! You must think I’m nuts.”

I said something like, “Oh, you know, who isn’t around here.”

She burst out laughing. Then she gently punched me on the shoulder and promised to try and stop singing.

I said “Thanks!” and went back to my cube.

30 seconds later.

Working 9 to 5/ What a way to make a livin’…

You got that right, Naline. What a way to make a living.

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