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Archive for the ‘Staff – My Boss Clark’ Category

sick-days-spirit-kill-me
Mildred got her job back.

She didn’t get her 200 million and she didn’t get Clark’s left testicle, but she got what she really wanted.

She looks very pleased to be back at Hamish.

And that is a testament to just how dedicated and crazy the woman is.

Oh, and we also received a memo from HR saying they’re pleased to announce that: “Effective immediately, Clark Renforth has been transferred to a management position in our Florida Branch, and while the recruitment process is under way, Carlita Paonessa will serve as Acting Manager.”

Clark doesn’t seem too broken up about leaving us.

As he packed up, we all heard him laughing and shouting “Florida? Awesome!”

Later, he danced out of his office and told us all how “sad” he was to be leaving and how much he would miss us.

It would have been easier to believe if he hadn’t been smiling from ear to ear.

He called us a great team and then skipped back into his office and finished packing.

Looks like it’s worked out for Clark and Mildred.

Speaking of Mildred…

When I had a moment alone with her I asked “So, did you steal the pencils?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said “Damn right I stole the pencils, ya eejit. I’ve been here 41 years and I’m entitled to help myself to a box of pencils, the odd stapler and occasional laptop. But if you tell anyone, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I think I gulped.

She burst out laughing and said, “Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies. I didn’t steal the bloody pencils.”

Then she chortled and went back to work.

Yeah, she stole them. I think…?

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sick-days-performance-review
Today I had my first Performance Review with my boss, Clark.

The word “performance” is entirely appropriate because Clark has to pretend he’s interested and I have to act like I care.

It was possibly the most painful 10 minutes I’ve experienced here.

Yeah, that’s right, 10 minutes.

And that included Clark spending 5 minutes trying to locate the paperwork and making uncomfortable small talk. Clearly this isn’t one of his favourite things.

From Clark’s perspective, I am a very “satisfactory” employee…

I have “satisfactory” attendance, “satisfactory” performance and “satisfactory” work habits.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m satisfied with that.

I didn’t take it personally, either… Especially since Clark had to keep peeking at his files to remember my name.

After the review came the even more painful part: Clark asked me about my “goals” and where I “want to be in 5 years.”

I was tempted to be honest and tell him that my goal was to ride out the recession and then look for meaningful employment. Or maybe buy a boat.

But that would’ve been awkward. And it doesn’t look good on the forms

So instead, I made some comments about moving up over time, gaining more experience, taking some business courses and basically committing my every waking moment to the service of Hamish Industries.

He looked relieved. Apparently that answer was fine.

In fact, it was entirely satisfactory.

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gossip2
This place is a hotbed for gossip. In the course of eight hours something can transform from observation to rumour to absolute fact to long-standing truism. It’s amazing to watch.

8:47am:
My boss, Clark, gets off the elevator at the same time as Carlita Paonessa. People see this…

9:02am:
Typhoid Mildred comments on how “tired” Clark and Carlita appear. Perhaps they were up late?

9:37am:
Mary Margaret wonders just how did Carlita her job? And what “strings” did she have to pull to get it?

10:44am:
Assurances from those “in the know” that Clark’s marriage is in trouble.

11:19am:
Rumors that Carlita is carrying Clark’s child and demanding he leave his wife.

12.31pm:
Nutless Tom wonders whether or not Carlita has been in a number of “closed door meetings” with Clark.

1:23pm:
First use of word “floozy” in reference to Carlita.

2:14pm:
A raging debate between Farook from Accounting and Naline over whether Carlita is a “floozy” or a “skank.”

3:06pm:
Consensus has been reached: they’ve been “fooling around” for months – maybe years.

3:37pm:
Everyone agrees: we’re all victims in this. And just who do they think they’re kidding?

3.38pm:
The Goth kid from the mailroom pipes up with, “Huh, I always thought he was gay.”

4:57pm:
Clark and Otto seen leaving office together and reportedly “sharing a joke.” People see this…

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toiler-paper111
Went to my first staff meeting.

My boss, Clark, looked tired. And annoyed.

He wanted it done with – and quick. He had an agenda and he stuck with it. But then he made his fatal mistake.

“Does anyone have any issues they’d like to raise?”

Short answer. Yes.

It was like a wrestling cage match. Brutal attack after brutal attack…

People upset that their pens are going missing.

Other people complaining about staff hoarding pens.

People complaining about people complaining about pens – when they should be complaining about the lack of paper.

People upset that there wasn’t enough toilet paper in the bathroom.

People speculating that certain people didn’t know how much toilet paper to use.

Requests for a toilet paper replacement policy.

Discussion on whether or not we needed a form for the toilet paper replacement policy.

Concerns about the state of the fridge in the lunchroom.

Concerns about the amount of time people take to eat their lunch.

Counter attacks about healthy mastication.

A question about why we had coffee and tea but no cocoa. After all, who doesn’t like cocoa?

It was killing Clark to have to listen to this stuff. He looked like he wanted to climb over baffles and leap across fax machines to get away from us. But even if he could, he couldn’t. Clark is really out of shape.

In the upside down world of the corporate Serengeti, the gazelles are attacking a lion…

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