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Posts Tagged ‘sick days’

sick days strippy2
Last night we celebrated Nutless Tom’s bachelor party.

It didn’t go well…

Tom had been waffling on the where and when for two months.

Finally, he told me “I want the mother of all raunchy parties.”

Figures. It’s always the Scientologists…

That’s why I asked Mike to help.

He said “I’m the master of raunch!”

I had to agree…

He booked us a table at Strippy McNudes

So there we were: Otto, Farook from Accounting, Jack from Payroll, Goth Mark, Mike, Nutless Tom, and me at Strippy McNudes

Farook had his arm around my neck all night and kept giggling into my ear “I’m randy, Alpo.”

Otto tried to stuff nickels and pennies down the stripper’s g-string and was almost thrown out.

Goth Mark got drunk on two beers, told me he knew that I hated his band, and spent the rest of the night calling me a “useless asshole.”

Jack from Payroll kept showing me pictures of his wife.

Mike never stopped yelling “Hoo, baby! I want to drag my nuts across your guts!”

And with every passing minute, Nutless Tom scowled even harder at me.

I started drinking… Heavily.

Later, Nutless plunked himself beside me and said “You should know, I broke up with Tracy two weeks ago. The wedding’s off.”

I said “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He said “Because you did such a crap job as best man, I figured the least you could do was throw me a decent party. But this sucks. You failed, Alpo.”

The rest is a blur.

I kind of remember Nutless Tom flat on his back on a table covered in beer, and my hands around his throat and screaming “Die! Die! Die!”

I’m pretty sure it was Mike who was yelling “Whoa! Alpo! Stop! For nerk’s sake, he’s turning blue!”

Apparently the guys eventually pulled me off Tom.

Then the police arrived…and it all went downhill from there.

And that’s how I got arrested for assaulting Nutless Tom.

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sick-days-spirit-kill-me
Mildred got her job back.

She didn’t get her 200 million and she didn’t get Clark’s left testicle, but she got what she really wanted.

She looks very pleased to be back at Hamish.

And that is a testament to just how dedicated and crazy the woman is.

Oh, and we also received a memo from HR saying they’re pleased to announce that: “Effective immediately, Clark Renforth has been transferred to a management position in our Florida Branch, and while the recruitment process is under way, Carlita Paonessa will serve as Acting Manager.”

Clark doesn’t seem too broken up about leaving us.

As he packed up, we all heard him laughing and shouting “Florida? Awesome!”

Later, he danced out of his office and told us all how “sad” he was to be leaving and how much he would miss us.

It would have been easier to believe if he hadn’t been smiling from ear to ear.

He called us a great team and then skipped back into his office and finished packing.

Looks like it’s worked out for Clark and Mildred.

Speaking of Mildred…

When I had a moment alone with her I asked “So, did you steal the pencils?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said “Damn right I stole the pencils, ya eejit. I’ve been here 41 years and I’m entitled to help myself to a box of pencils, the odd stapler and occasional laptop. But if you tell anyone, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I think I gulped.

She burst out laughing and said, “Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies. I didn’t steal the bloody pencils.”

Then she chortled and went back to work.

Yeah, she stole them. I think…?

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Mildred’s lawsuit is fast turning into the summer blockbuster here at Hamish Industries.

It has all of the markings of a big budget movie extravaganza. Intrigue, suspense, and a disgruntled lead woman with a high priced Scottish lawyer.

The reviews aren’t in yet but based on Clark’s complexion, he’s not enjoying the show.

Mildred’s lawyer, Duncan MacIntosh, was at the office today to have a meeting with the CEO, company lawyers and a hungover looking Clark.

I don’t know what the outcome was but when they came out of the boardroom, Mr. MacIntosh was smiling, Mildred had her hands over her head in an “I am the champion” salute and Clark looked like he had been ridden all night and put away wet.

We’re a sympathetic group and, as such, Farook immediately initiated an office pool. The betting has been fierce.

The current odds on favorite is that Clark is about to be fed to the corporate wolves and that Mildred is either going to receive a lavish buy out, get her job back, or both.

Sounds about right to me.

My confirmation came when Clark walked up to my desk with a box of pencils and barked out “See these? Well apparently anyone can stuff them up their girdle, take them home, and no one gives a crap.”

Then he threw them in my lap, marched into his office and slammed the door shut.

I should probably return Mildred’s stapler…

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I’m starting to get freaked by Farook.

I really think he’s losing it.

It’s a shame. I had Otto in the “first to lose it” pool.

He’s the new fixture in my horse stall. Always rambling, ranting and tenting his hands.

Farook from Accounting walks into my cube…

Farook: Are you busy?

Me: Very, I’ve got this report that I–

Farook: It’s not true.

Me: Sorry?

Farook: (whispers dramatically) I work!!!

Me: Yes. At Hamish Industries…

Farook: That’s right! I’ll need it in writing.

Me: Need what?

Farook: Things haven’t being going well. The practical jokes failed… And when I brought my dogs to work… A mistake… They mauled Carlita’s groin… Remember?

Me: It’s hard to forget.

Farook: And then there’s the office lottery pool money.

Me: What about it?

Farook: Nothing! I have friends in management. As well as noobs like you. First one in, last one out. Right?

Me: I think it’s last one–

Farook: I work! I know that I sometimes fall asleep. But only because I get drowsy.

Me: Okay, Farook.

Farook: The problem is Carlita. I know you lust after her–

Me: Huh? Me? Nump! Nerk! No I don’t! Who said that?

Farook: She’s had it out for me long before the groin maul. Now she’s telling management that I’m not doing my job. That I don’t work. I work! I run the office lottery. You’ve seen me work. Yes?

Me: Well, actually, and I don’t care, but, no–

Farook: I need dirt on Carlita. But that might be hard. You can help. You need to seduce her!

Me: What? Farook! Hah! That’s crazy! Anyway… How would I do that?

Farook: Good. You’re on my side. We’re in this together.

Farook suddenly leaves. It’s over. For now.

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sick-days-three-things
Three Little Things…

Number One

I accidentally ran into Clark in the building’s coffee shop. I hadn’t spoken to him since my performance review. I’m sure he appreciates that.

We started talking. I was surprised by how friendly he was. Funny even.

I told him I was enjoying working for him.

He went pale, said he was busy and walked away.

Guess he didn’t realize I was one of his staff.

Number Two

Today all staff received a “Management Memo.”

I won’t bore you with the details (and, yeah, they were boring) but check out the memo’s final sentence…

We continue to be committed to finding ways to improve cummunication between senior management and staff.

Cummunication…

Cummunication between senior management and staff

The Senior Management at Hamish Industries are old white men. Really old white men.

I’m glad to have a job but I don’t want to get to know the old boy’s club that well.

Naline CC’d back saying she thought “additional social intercourse would be welcomed.”

Number Three

Mary Margaret and I will be analyzing customer service trends tomorrow. We’ll be spending the day together.

This is unfortunate because Mary Margaret is a notorious crier.

She cries if she’s late for work. She cries if her computer crashes. She cries if someone forgets to say good morning.

Jack from Accounting told me that he and Mary Margaret have worked together before.

He said that if I don’t want her to cry, I must never talk about:

Last year’s Christmas party
Cats
John Cougar Mellencamp
Orange juice
Jellyfish
Ergonomic mouse pads
Career momentum
Dust bunnies
The photocopier
Persons
Places
Things

My plan? I’m going to break into tears before she does and throw her off her game.

It’s pathetic, but I’m sure it’ll work.

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sick days dollywood
Naline is taking a week off in Dollywood.

She’s been sending me emails. I’m sensing a theme.

First, she has drunken fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 6, 2009 2:41 AM
Subject: Hahajs!

Alpo! You dick. Ha. Just joking man. I’m in dollywood. And drunk out of my skull. So, me and Pete went out and saw Dolly’s family perform. HA! “Perform” No, not sex, you perv!!!!!!!!!!!
Lazer, Nail me

And then, remorse…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 7, 2009 1.06 PM
Subject: Sorry

Alan. Whoa! Sorry about my email. Please delete. Okay? I’m having a nice vacation. No sign of Dolly. I’m staying in Pigeon Forge (it’s not as bad as it sounds)…The weather is great.

Then more drunken fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 3.09 AM
Subject: Allllllllllpo

Bury it dude and make me bark! HA! Just kidding!!! You rock alpo. Pete’s an asshole.

Followed by…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 2.19 PM
Subject: My apologies

Al, I’m really sorry. I just need to stay away from the laptop. Sorry. No more emails. I promise.

Then once again, more fun…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 1.43 AM
Subject: Hagh al tis si funy

ahahahahh… sorry, I know. But ti I ting is we shoul have sexy,fuck, al, you’re areal cute guy and I’m attracted toyou, but petes such an asshole…hahahahhh central refrigerators wtf lol

And finally an email that chills me to my core…

To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 6.34 PM
Subject: Please Forgive Me!

Alan,

You must think I’m crazy. But I’m not. I just have problems with boundaries. Anyway, I’ll see you at Hamish next week. I broke up with Pete. He’s a premature ejaculator and has herpes in both places. He’s also very jealous. He really hates you, by the way. Maybe we can have lunch…?

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sick days mildred scorned
I figured there’d be repercussions when Clark fired Typhoid Mildred.

Mildred’s not the type to be put out to pasture, and she’s never been fond of Clark.

My guess was that there’d be some nasty letters, slashed tires, and maybe a good old fashioned ass-kicking.

I never expected her to sue.

But according to the rumor mill, that’s exactly what’s happening. And in typical Mildred fashion, she’s not just suing; she’s going for the jugular.

Otto said she’s hired some high profile Scottish labor lawyer and that they are coming out with “cabers blazing.”

She’s looking for $200 million in damages, her job back, and Clark’s left testicle. (I’m not sure why she’d want her job back if she was awarded $200m, or why the left nut is preferable to the right, but I’ve long since given up trying to figure out the woman).

Clark hasn’t taken it well.

He spent the day in a meeting with HR and legal, and there was a lot of screaming and swearing. “I’m not taking the fall for that!” “What do you mean the bitch has pictures?” and “Do I need my own lawyer?” were repeated refrains.

Rumour is Mildred knows where all the Hamish skeletons are hidden.

Naturally, no one is talking about it publicly.

All I know is that Clark looks suspiciously like a man who’s eaten some bad haggis and is about to pay the price.

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