Archive for the ‘Staff – Carlita Paonessa’ Category

I’m in the new Vancouver office training sales staff. Everyone here is really nice.

It’s unnerving.

They all seem so happy and relaxed. It must be the mountains.

Or the pot.

So, there’s really nothing to report.

Well… One thing…

Ever since I’ve found out that Carlita is my new boss, I’ve been having weird dreams about her… Last night my subconscious took it to a new unconscious level…


I’m seated before Carlita and she’s going over my resume. But it’s not my work resume – it’s my dating resume. Apparently I’ve asked her out. And now I’m about to get my answer. She puts down my dating resume and cracks her knuckles…

Carlita – Okay, Alan, I’ve looked over your dating resume and I have a few questions.

Alan — Of course.

Carlita — It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there’s no indication of why you left.

Alan — I felt that things had become static and that I needed new challenges…I’m not the type of man that likes complacency, I think that one must constantly be trying to achieve more.

Carlita – Hmm. Interesting…

Alan — It’s not that I’m fickle. It just wasn’t the right relationship for me.

Carlita — And it took you three years to determine that?

Alan — I tried to make things work… I don’t run away from problems.

Carlita – If you say so. What experience did you gain?

Alan — An awful lot actually. I certainly strengthened my interpersonal skills and developed a lot of patience when it comes to dating a cat person. I also worked on improving my sexual skills and I learned to cook.

Carlita — Great, because I am looking for a good cook.

Alan – My Coquilles Saint Jacques is mouth watering.

Carlita – And yet, when you say it, it sounds filthy… Anyway, I’m still considering a number of different men.

Alan — Of course, I just feel I’m the right man.

Carlita – Well, that’s swell… Now before your last relationship, you had a series of brief encounters.

Alan — Yes… Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.

Carlita — And you believe you know what you’re looking for now?

Alan — I’m ready to commit to a long term relationship.

Carlita — That’s good, but you do understand that this is only a temporary position. If things work out, the option of marriage is there.

Alan — I understand, but I also feel I’m ready for marriage and children.

Carlita — I am a bit concerned about this homosexual relationship in 97.

Alan — I’m something of a risk taker, Carlita, but I feel that’s one of my strong points. I decided to try that option but quickly discovered it wasn’t for me.

Carlita — You didn’t date much in high school.

Alan — I was shy, but I got over that. As you can see, I’ve taken courses at The Learning Annex.

Carlita — Alan, let’s forget the resume for a minute, it doesn’t really tell me an awful lot.

Alan — Okay.

Carlita – This is a very important position I’m looking to fill.

Alan – PLAQUE! I mean… NARP! I mean… I understand completely.

Carlita — I’ve seen over two hundred men…

Alan — Well, it’s an attractive relationship.

Carlita — I don’t mean in interviews, I mean I’ve seen over two hundred men, and, quite frankly I’m tired of it. I want to make sure that the next one is the right one…How are you in bed?

Alan — Um, well, as you can see by my references, I come highly recommended. Not to boast but I believe my sensitivity to the female orgasm sets me apart from many others in my field.

Carlita — Huh. Why should I give you my love?

Alan — Well, I’m faithful… I’m reliable. Dependable. Loving, romantic, sleepy, sneezy, dopey… I think you’re attractive, and I give a relationship a hundred and ten percent.

Carlita — And why shouldn’t I?

Alan – Ooh a curveball! Hah! Well, I don’t have the best sense of humour in the world.

Carlita — I think you’re funny… In an odd sort of a way.

Alan — Thanks. I think. Look Carlita, I’ll be honest…I need this relationship. I haven’t had one in almost two years and I’m pretty desperate. I’ll work hard and treat you well.

Carlita – Yes, I’m sure you would. But…

Alan — I’m hung! … I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I just said that.

Carlita – That’s alright. In fact, you should have made a note of it.

Alan — I don’t like to brag.

Carlita — That’s what a resume is for…

Alan — I suppose.

Carlita — Alright Alan, I think you’ve got the relationship. I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me… Not an easy task. Plus I’ll want comfort, support and understanding. There will be interaction with my family and I’ll expect you to maintain an apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and buy me flowers regularly. Any questions?

Alan — Just about the sex…Um, uh, er, ahh, yah, hmm, will I be required to…?

Carlita — Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don’t climax easily so be prepared to work.

Carlita shakes my hand.

Carlita — Congratulations.

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This is disturbing.

Today I suddenly realized that I’m attracted to Carlita Paonessa.

It happened in (of all places) the elevator…

3rd Floor
I want to say: “Carlita, you’re looking rather tempestuous.”

Instead I say: “Snort! I mean, hi…”

Carlita rolls her eyes.

6th Floor
I want to say: “It saddens my poetic soul that we must avert our hungry eyes from each other when there is so much to say.”

Instead I say: “Work sucks, huh?”

Carlita sighs. Balefully.

10th Floor
Carlita says “It’s Alpo, right?”

I want to say: “That’s the nickname the peons here have given me. But when you say it, it sounds resonant, sensuous and provocative.”

Instead I say: “Yup. That’s me.”

11th – 19th Floor
Uncomfortable silence.

I fantasize about the two of us dancing in the elevator to romantic music. Carlita gives me a look that she probably reserves for incontinent dogs. Then she says “Are you… dancing by yourself to elevator musac?”

20th Floor
I want to say: “Only because the rhythm of your beauty has swept me up like a seductive tango.”

Instead I say: “Sorry. I just farted.”

21st Floor
She says “Look, Alpo. I’ve been meaning to ask you –”

22nd — 23rd Floor
A long pause.

I want to say: “Ask away, sweet Carlita. I shall provide you with the answers you desire.”

Instead I say: “Nerk!!!!!”

24th Floor
The doors open.

She says: “Forget it.”

I just stare with my mouth hanging open.

We walk out. I go left. She goes right.

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Today I shared an elevator with Carlita Paonessa.

Just the two of us.

Ironically, that was the Muzak playing as we were going up.

3rd Floor
I say “Hello.” Carlita checks her blackberry.

4th Floor
She looks up and says “It’s Adam, right?”

5th Floor
I say “Alan.”

6th Floor
I scratch my head.

7th Floor
We both cough at the same time.

8th Floor
I say “So, I hear you’re re-branding our website.”

9th Floor
She says “Not any more. Clark canceled the project. Christ!”

10th Floor
I say “Oh. What are you working on now?”

11th Floor
She laughs strangely. “Good Question.”

12th Floor
Carlita shakes her head and says “Idiots.” I nod but have no idea what she is talking about.

14th Floor
I say “Do you think they’ll ever bring back the 13th floor?”

15th Floor – 20th Floor
Uncomfortable silence.

21st Floor.
She says “Look, Adam. Let’s just keep this conversation between us. Okay?”

21st Floor
I say “Alan.”

22nd Floor
She says “Right. Sorry. Whatever. But just between us. Yeah?”

23rd Floor
I say “Okay.”

24th Floor
The doors open. We walk out. I go left. She goes right.

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This was weird…

Even weirder than the time Mary Margaret asked me if I had an extra pair of socks she could borrow.

Today I got an email from Carlita Paonessa…


I tell you about my new promotion and you write back telling me about the latest crown Adriana won at her beauty pageant… Puh-lease! What? Do you think those rhinestones will support you when you’re old? Anyway, sorry about your car dying. But I’m too busy. You and dad will just have to take the bus.

Carlita Paonessa is the rising star at Hamish Industries. She’s young, serious, and has jet black hair that leaps off her head in a thousand different directions.

I’ve only said “hello” to her once. She didn’t say “hello” back…

I was just about to call Carlita and let her know about the email deal when I looked up to see her standing at my desk.

Turns out her mother’s name is Alana Paonessa. When Carlita typed in her mom’s name, Outlook dropped down my email address as the suggested recipient. So she just clicked without checking.

I said, “We’ve all done that before.”

There was a long pause.

In the distance, Otto coughed.

She said, “So… Can you delete it?”

I deleted it. I figured we were done. I figured wrong.

“Now can you delete it from your ‘Deleted Items’ file?”

I did.

I thought after that she’d look relieved. But she didn’t. She just stood there…

I tried to lighten the mood. I said that the bus wasn’t so bad. I took it every day…

She looked me in the eye and she looked really annoyed.

And really annoying a rising star is never a good career move…

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This place is a hotbed for gossip. In the course of eight hours something can transform from observation to rumour to absolute fact to long-standing truism. It’s amazing to watch.

My boss, Clark, gets off the elevator at the same time as Carlita Paonessa. People see this…

Typhoid Mildred comments on how “tired” Clark and Carlita appear. Perhaps they were up late?

Mary Margaret wonders just how did Carlita her job? And what “strings” did she have to pull to get it?

Assurances from those “in the know” that Clark’s marriage is in trouble.

Rumors that Carlita is carrying Clark’s child and demanding he leave his wife.

Nutless Tom wonders whether or not Carlita has been in a number of “closed door meetings” with Clark.

First use of word “floozy” in reference to Carlita.

A raging debate between Farook from Accounting and Naline over whether Carlita is a “floozy” or a “skank.”

Consensus has been reached: they’ve been “fooling around” for months – maybe years.

Everyone agrees: we’re all victims in this. And just who do they think they’re kidding?

The Goth kid from the mailroom pipes up with, “Huh, I always thought he was gay.”

Clark and Otto seen leaving office together and reportedly “sharing a joke.” People see this…

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