Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.
But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”
According to Nutless:
-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.
-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).
-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.
…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.
And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.
I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”
He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”
He just emailed me my speech.
Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…
When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…
You should write an alternate one that would go something like this….
What can I say about Tom, well, not a lot but I do have a hunch that married life will be easy for him. You see, when you get married your wife takes your nuts away from you, but the jokes on her, Tom is already nutless.
Hah! Eric!
So, how was your day?
The nut stealing metaphor tickles and warms the cockles of my heart.
“Tickles and cockles” I believe Wordsworth said that to his imaginary friend. But don’t hold me to that.
Tom does have his nuts, I’m told. At least for now. I have looked into this nut removal dealio. If he doesn’t want it done metaphorically, I’ve heard day surgery can be scheduled.
I also read of a case of a woman who kept her husband’s nuts in her change purse on top of the fridge where he couldn’t get at them. I think I read it in National Geographic, or in The National Enquirer. It was definitely National…
My day is great. They are all the same, full of work, studying and generally being stretched so then I should be a size zero by now. The cruel reality is that I am still fat, LOL. How have you been?
Is it strange that the only thing I could think about when I read about the woman leaving her husbands marbles in a coin purse on top of the fridge, was that he must have been really short not to be able to reach the top of the fridge?
So, not only was he without the man-berries but he had to come to the realization while jumping up and down trying to reach the top of the fridge, that he was entirely too short.
It is also funny that she left them in a coin purse, which would naturally put a value on them. Although, I’m sure to the guy, they where a priceless commodity.
I’m very well, thank you. Eric.
Hah! Yes, if he is anything like most of us, that fellow probably values his man-berries. Yes, it sounds like he was short, and that she was doing all in her power to emasculate him. The first thing I thought of was that the purse had a, um, scrotum quality to it. I figure it was a rather symbolic gesture on her behalf.
LOL. Not only that, but the purse, I’m sure, had a nice floral pattern on it. That is much nicer than the average scrotal tissue. One more interesting thought. If someone was to take that purse and stomp on it, would that still hurt the guy? Kind of like if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?……..Very interesting.
Hahaha! You’re cracking me up here, Eric!
It’s a shame all scrotal tissue doesn’t have floral patterns. I’m not sure if it would lead to world peace or anything, but it would certainly be something Martha Stewart could get behind. (You know, for the floral pattern scrotal tissue reach around.) It’d be more aesthetically pleasing, for sure.
As for the philosophical purse stomping… It is a very interesting question. Made me wonder… If I can hear the sound of one foot clapping… Is that the sound of clapping? Or the sound of a foot stomping on a floral patterned scrotal tissue?
You’re studying psych? Yes? 😉
Alan, you’re in serious trouble. After the wedding the Scientologists will know who you are and how much you appreciate them.
Just don’t let them hook you up to their lie detectors – I don’t know what might happen if they discover you lied about believing.
And I think there’s some kind of special Scientology hell reserved for best men if marriages fail.
Pamela, you’re right…!
They’ll think I’m one of them.
And what a scientologist thinks, a scientologist thinks to be true. This means they’ll know, or they’ll think they know, just how much I appreciate them. Which, I don’t think is very much at all. But that’s not what they’ll think. But even though they think they know what I think, they’ll think it’s best to hook me up to their lie detector. And I think I agree with you when I say that I think I don’t know what might happen if they discover me lying about believing. And finally, yes, I too think there’s some kind of special Scientology hell reserved for best men if marriages fail. And I don’t think it’s “special” in a good way.
PS. Please forgive me if this missive makes no sense, I wrote it whilst (wtf? whilst??) on the run and in fear for my life. I need somewhere to hide. Perhaps Canada… Nah… Maybe Albania…
I suggest you preface the speech with a substantial quote from L. Ron Hubbard’s ten-parter “Mission Earth”, which, at 1.2 million words, should take up the rest of the wedding (and, quite possibly, the rest of the month).
Hahahahaha!
Okay. And I’ll do it on LSD! With a piece of chicken or steak on my head. And a fork stuck up my nose. Whilst (again with the whilst?) doing The Chicken Dance.
Nope, just a pencil up each nostril and say “wibble”.
If you’re short on time, fast forward to 4 minutes and sit back with plenty of room to guffaw.
ElPres
Hah!
I loved that show.
Thanks el presidente,
“Wibble.”
😉
From 1987-1996 I did a very regular, 20 a year, lecture on psychological stress to middle-ranking military aircrew at RAF Cranwell.
The tutors used video recordings of the final series of Blackadder Goes Forth as part of the course, light relief between heavy stuff and for its own sake.
My presentation was after the final episode and on many occasions I was able to arrive early enough to sit in and enjoy. The final scene when the boys went over the top was always greeted with total silence. Followed by a headlong rush to the bogs and tea before I launched off.
Happy days.
Yes! That final scene on the madness of war.
Brilliant.
Eric, that was a great first response! Ha!
Alan, you have to rewrite that speech asap.
Throw in something like “I screwed the bride! NERK!”
Or intimate details of her breasts would come in really handy right about now.
And, of course, I’ll do it in Occitan sonnet.
Nothing says Nerk like Occitan sonnet.
Or so they tell me…
Oh dear, you have to stop listening to “they”. Show me Occitan…
Valiant Tom, king of the Nutless
he works at Hamish and grows every day closer,
remember, Lord, the merkin
that has come to find you and has a hunch
That his two nuts and I call them nuts true
have not dealt a blow with easy married life
and many many men have left singledom:
but a day will come when they will have some to remember.
Their nuts and company of them
in order that they no longer have nothing;
that they will not appear here ever again
Nutless of the land and sea,
as whom the king of Hamish and Tom’s wife
Tracy shall now own Tom’s nuts, or so it is told.
You’re fabulous.
You’re an incredible nerking wibble.
😉
I once made the mistake of walking ‘through’ a Scientology exhibit in my home town of Brisbane.
By the end I had a bag of pamphlets, stickers on my t-shirt and a band of Scientology followers clawing my arms trying to get me to stay.
I also had to give them my contact details in order to be able to leave the ‘exhibit’ (it seemed more like a recruitment drive).
So I signed up my friend … who went missing a short time after.
I suspect you will suffer the same fate. I hope not, but my money is on the Scientologists.
Goodluck dear Alan. Goodluck.
Hey Chris,
I do fear for my mortal soul.
Of course, I have been called “paranoid.”
By the scientologists…
Anyhoo…
Hah! That was nice of you to help your friend out that way. Oh, and I’m hoping you’re referring to your friend the monkey that broke your window. Because that spunky chunky monkey had “scientology worthy” written all over it’s adorable mug.
But back to The Scientologists… I know, it always comes back to The Scientologists, doesn’t it?
They’re just such a clingy group. Always asking for money and credit card information.
And always with the tests that’s are designed to make us fail. They even have one for monkeys. What’s with that?
Scientology Monkey Test.
-You will agree to “strict banana free diet” okay?
-Would the idea of making a complete new start not involing evolution cause you much concern?
-Do you like primate social order, sleep deprivation and forced brainwashing? If you say yes, you might meet Tom Cruise!
-May we give you a new name? Say yes, and we’ll feed you!
-Do you like hanging out at airports passing out literature? Say yes and we’ll let you mate.
-You often feel depressed, don’t you? Come on, admit it damn dirty monkey!!!!
-Do you often ponder over your own macaques, baboons, guenons, capuchins, marmosets, and tamarins inferiority? You should.
Wow, if I was monkey, I would totally join them.
Hoograh!!!!
You know Alan, I’m starting to have a change of heart about scient0l0gy. The more I learn the more I like! Do y0u know that they keep the atmosphere, and gravity in place just with mind control? D0 y0u think you can do that, is your mind that clear? D0 you know that they are ridding the world of mental illness (which doesn’t exist ha ha) of depression, of irritability, of sighing, of tastelessness? Can y0u do that? They somehow cured Tom Cruise of his gay, and somehow made Will Smith not black. Do you know how loved he is? It’s because of scient0l0gy. Even Denzel Washington has to play bad guys sometimes. He played Alonzo in Training Day, he played Frank Lucas for Christ’s sake. I’m mean Ron’s sake. Will doesn’t have to do that! I’ll bet he’ll be president before to0 long, that’s what they are grooming him for, you know? I’m sorry, I’m rambling a little. And not making much sense. I haven’t had t00 much sleep lately, and have been a little depressed, but I’m about to meet someone who will complete me!
By the way, my vacation in Clearwater is going great; I think I’m staying a little longer than expected though. What month is it now?
Scott – hate to be the annoying wanker who points out when things go wrong but I suspect the ‘o’ on your keyboard is broker. Just a friendly FYI.
*broken. (typical … just when I pick on someone else’s language, my command of the English language goes to the dogs)
Thanks Chris, I just needed to get my engrams sorted. I’m all well and good now!
Once, while visiting Teegeeack, I mixed my engrams with my thetans.
Seriously messed up stuff. I thought I was a sci-fi writing penguin.
And I still do to this day.
It’s great that you’re coming around, Scott. They’re good people who have your best interests at heart. As long as you have cash. Lots and lots of cash.
I hope you’ve gotten into “auditing” on an inanimate object. It’s an essential technique which helps address the negative memories that are holding back your true potential. Sorry about your recent feelings and the rambling, but it’s not your fault, it’s those damn engrams. Those damn engrams are nothing but trouble: What with their smoking and drinking and carrying on. But the good folks at The Church of Scientology will get you all sorted out. As long as you have cash. Lots and lots of cash.
Glad to here all is well in Clearwater. It always is. Always! I wouldn’t worry what month it is, but for the record, it’s Hubbardtember
You are totally right Alan, They do have my best interests at heart. And they are getting me better interest by switching all my accounts to their banks as well! I realize that I was very wrong before, trying to send you a coded call for help with my zeros. That was just my last engrams coming out. I can’t even describe how clear, and energetic I feel now!
I wanted to let you know how much I value our friendship, so I bought you an airline ticket so you can join me on Clearwater beach! You’ll get to meet all of my new friends, we’ll have so much fun! I’ve just emailed you your entire itinerary, so I’ll see you at the airport on Saturday at 4:45!!!!
Hahahahaha!
I am so there.
Xenu rules! I’ll leave my false reality at home.
This is gonna be more fun than a night out at the cult of TGIF.
hey you, Alan, not me but you,
that sounds lame but it’s Tom’s special day so I say go along with it and then add “finally I’d like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Allah for putting us on this earth and hope they bless this union of two of their creations, Amen”
No Tom Cruise jokes? share them here instead!
Sacha Baron Cohen’s Brúno on Borat’s sexuality:
“That guy is uber gay – I bet his wife gets as much sex as Katie Holmes.”
hey you, me, not me but you, me (woot!)
Excellent call on the Jesus, Buddha, Allah amen shout out. Maybe I’ll combine all three into one awesome “supergod”
Jesalbuddah
Allabudjese
Budaljesus
Hmmm, let’s call this a work in progress.
This joke went over like a led balloon…
“The good news is Tom Cruise appears to have stopped breeding – I still can’t t believe he was able to pull it off the first time. Guess that’s why actor’s have stand-ins. Still, if Tom can pull off that “Emission Impossible” then any type of unearthly horror is conceivable.”
this leaves me *speechless*
😉
Hah!
That’s how I’d like to be!
Nice one!
🙂
I have no sympathy.
I’ve told you before to tell him to shove it – but do you?
No! – you bloody well don’t.
Geez…. and I thought that tom was the nutless one.
Take a deep breath, walk up to his desk, and tell the weird bugger that you want nothing to do with his poxy wedding.
Go on mate – you can do it!
Remember… JFDI.
Now here’s a man with nuts!! You go Nobbly!
Nobbly’s upset with me because I left a half wit in his kitchen.
Go for it Alpo….follow Nobbly’s lead! We’ll be in the peanut gallery cheering you on! ALPO – ALPO – ALPO!!
Whilst I fully agree with all 3 erudite opinions above, I am also forced to say that waiting for the nutless wedding is a bit like being slowed down on the motorway because there has been an accident upahead.
Will it be really gory, ambicopter, splat everywhere?
Sorry, my medicopast does still erupt occasionally, needs regular booze to sedate it.
El Pres
An apt metaphor, presidente dave
This wedding has “car crash” written all over it.
yorksnbeans…
So that’s where the cheering was coming from?
😉
NobblySan,
Are you still upset because I dumped old York Mills in your kitchen last week? I do understand that you’re not fond of having an old, pajama clad half wit around your house drinking your tea and tittering away, but it’s kind of you to put up with him. He’s staying forever, yes?
He wrote me a delightful letter about how much fun he’s having…
Dear Alan,
Hee hee…
Oh gosh golly but I’m having a super duper time. Thanks for putting me in the gunny sack and dropping me off in Mr. NobblySan’s kitchen. He’s a pistol that lad. Hee hee. Yesterday he told me to “get the feck oot” of his house. Hee hee. I don’t know what it means but he sure said it in a loud voice. Hee hee. He’s a nice young lad. A bit moody. He’s always opening the front door and trying to push me out. (Thanks for the spare house key by the way, hee hee). Usually, later at night, after he’s had a glass of beer, he calms down a bit. Then he’ll chase me around the house with a broom and bat me about the head and shoulders. Hee hee. It’s a fun game. Anyway, must dash, son. He’s out at work and this is always the best time to raid his fridge.
Hee hee…
York Mills
So!!
It was you who let the old bugger in, was it?
I’ve seen some sneaky, underhand, mean-spirited tricks in my time, but this takes the biscuit! At least, it would have taken the bisuit, if that silly old git hadn’t already scoffed the bloody lot.
He’s running around the house now, tittering like a tittering thing, and leaving a trail of garibaldi crumbs in his wake. The dogs think all their doggy Christmases have come at once; they follow him round with their noses glued to the floor, vacuuming up biscuit crumbs. They only back away rom him when he drops a sly fart every now and again.
I’ll bloody have you for this, Truitt, honest I will.
Hahahaha!
Or should that be…
Hee hee…
I guess you’re hearing a lot of that recently.
He’s become very fond of you and I gather he has no intention of leaving. Ever!
Haha, he told me, hahaha, that he thinks your dogs are big friendly mice… And…Haha, and that you two are getting along famously.
He asked me to send over his Lawrence Welk CDs… Hahaha, he’s, he’s hoping to enjoy a pleasant weekend with you playing them, teaching you about the Box Step and talking about socks. Haha… I gather he has a lot to say on these subjects. Sounds like a special time. Hahahahahaha…
Sounds like you’re doing your best in trying to get out of it.
Keep up the great work.
Thanks G!
I think…
Wait…
You messing with me?
😉
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Alan, you have got to get away from the Scientology nuts! And the nutless, too! Just run away, far far away.
Pft . . . Scientologists are so misunderstood! I think Alan should be more patient and giving. Especially to a nutless scientologist – think how trying that must be.
Empathy Shannon and Alan, it’s all about empathy.
*chortle*
Callie,
Haha! Nice. You’re right, of course. Empathy, empathy, empathy…
As lawyer Duncan would say…
“When mah maw came hame an fun oot ah hudny washed the dishes, she took a pure maddy an smashed aw the teacups. Ah wis that fed up wi that anaglypta, ah took a maddy and stripped aw the wa’s.”
And that makes way more sense than Scientology!
😉
Nope, again, sympathy and a fecking large dose of reality therapy after they have been unbrainwashed.
All IMHO of course.
Not to mention the nutless scientology nuts. Oh wait, I just did!
I’m thinking Albania. Albania is a nutless scientology free country. The Albanian capital, Cruizerville, is home to approximately 895,000 of the country’s 3.6 million scientology free people.
Albania. Yeah, it’s where it’s at.
Wait a second, what am I saying? The answer is so obvious. I’ll hide out in Sweet Valley High!
I think I’d fit in okay. I could hang out with… Enid?
That’s it! There are no scientologists in Sweet Valley. Even if there were, they’d live on the other side of the tracks with the poor and ugly people.
Callie, you’re absolutely right, of course. I should really try to follow your example and be more understanding. ♥
Sweet!
I’m on my way to Sweet Valley! 😉
I tend to hang with the flying spaghetti monster gang myself
I’ve always preferred the “one-eyed one-armed flying purple people eater” gang myself.
Let’s agree to disagree on this one.
Wow, I hadn’t heard of them in months, glad to see they are up to good, again;
http://www.venganza.org/
dave
😉
At the end of the day I dont’ care what you believe (or not believe in) as long as you don’t try to brainwash my kin or flambe my brains.
I’m assuming it’s the same deal for brainwashing your brains and flambéing your kin?
You are too nice Alan. You’re too nice to all your co-workers and this has got to STOP!!!
Here are my ideas:
1) You tell Tom you don’t want to be his best man anymore and that you’re ‘breaking up’ with him.
OR
2) You tell Tom that you love Jesus.
OR
3) You tell Tom that you are secretly in love with his fiancee.
OR
4) You tell Tom you have swine flu/herpes/hemorrhoids/breast cancer and can’t go to his wedding.
OR
5) You tell Tom that cannot bear to see him get married because, you too, are in love with him.
(Okay, those are lame, I’m sorry.)
Just a curious though, where IS nutless Tom planning on having his bachelor party? And can I see the rest of the speech lol?
Thanks Anonymously Secret,
Most people have been expressing it a bit differently. 😉
I was thinking of maybe incorporating all of your most wonderful ideas into one major excuse. I tell Tom that I’m breaking up with him because I’m secretly in love with the idea of a three way between me, Jesus and his fiancée but that is impossible because I’ve just heard Jesus has contracted some insane swine flu/herpes/hemorrhoids/breast cancer super bug, and even if he hadn’t it’s a moot point because I love him.
Yes, yes, that should work out very well.
Bwehahahahahaha!
PS: The rest of the speech goes on for 26 pages. The general gist is me talking about sci-fi writer, and all round creep, L Ron Hubbard and in it, I reenact using LSD in government experiments. I then talk about an alien named Xenu. (Tom wants me to wear an alien costume during this bit) It then goes into a rambling monologue about how 75 million years ago, Xenu ruled more than 76 planets, including Earth (known as Teegeeack) and how he solved a population problem by blowing up beings on Teegeeack. Their souls were then sent to a “cinema”, where they were forced to watch a “3-D, super-colossal motion picture” for 36 days that implanted a “false reality” to control them. These souls then possess the humans. (At this point I’m expected to do some interpretive dance representing the possessing of the human souls while making explosion noises with my lips pressed together.) I then go on about how the COS’s aim is to help people become ‘clear’ (yes, just after spinning this yarn about aliens and super colossal motion pictures.) Oh, and that it’s not a cult concerned with making money. And that’s just page one!
The Teegeeack part was very entertaining. I’m sure his guests will be amused.
The scary part? This is what they really believe!
😯
Oh you are good Alan! And a threesome? With Jesus too! Wow… you have one great imagination. I’m impressed.
26 PAGES! Tell Nutless Tom that you are dyslexic and can’t read. Oh wait– never mind, that wouldn’t work.
Is that the kind of thing Scientologists talk about? I had no idea… I’m going to be extremely terrified of Scientologists now. Actually, I am already.
P.S. When worse comes to worst, destroy his Bachelor Party by putting bibles in their goodie bags.
Hahahaha!
Goodie bag bibles!
Nice Anonymously Secret!
😆
Alan,
You asked for this!
Let me understand this: You have agreed to be a best man, for a man whom you hold in low esteem, in a Scientologist wedding AND you are going to read a, “Best Man” speech that HE wrote?
And you call him NUTLESS??
Sally P :!
PS: You need to grow a pair NOW!!
Thanks Sally P,
I’m sensing a theme in this thread. 😉
You are such a good writer that I am actually upset over this wedding!
SP
PS: Sorry I yelled at you, but I am a gramdma after all…
No worries at all, Sally P!
Your original comment made me laugh out loud.
Well, you’ve gotta admit that it probably did change your life forever.
Hahaha!
There’s no denying that!
Riot.
Yo could always stop – as if you couldn’t read his writing – then turn to the bride and explain “Darn Blurb, Ho!”..
.
.
.
.
.
.
which is of course an anagram of L.Ron.Hubbard 😉
Nice. You have just made my day with that piece of genius. 🙂
Mine too!
Nice one Eunoia! You get another free golf lesson for that.
Fore!
Ohhhh, poor form Al.
Scientology nuts are likely to track you down & make you write an apology now. That’s to say it’s ok to make fun of them, but don’t do it in writing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology_and_the_legal_system
Also, I guess now that we’re in a rap group Al, I’ll be forced to pop a cap if any scientologist get their thetans in a bundle over this post.
Damn scientologist deniers
Stay outta my grill
I ain’t looking for no thrill
Now I’m in for the kill
Hanging out at airports
With the Moonies and Krishna
We’re sorry mothas
Take this test
We know what’s best
Can’t you see
We’re the church of scientology
We’re deplorable, we’re horrible,
Terrible and insufferable
We got no concept of social stratification!
We got Tom Cruise and financial gratification
Keep your thoughts to yourself
On the back shelf
We’re they belong
Everything else is wrong
Wise up sucker
Heed the song
Embrace this scientology
Take this test
We know what’s best
Can’t you see
We’re the church of scientology
Absolute brill, my boy, but beware the loons who will rush to defend them. Keep comment moderation ON FFS, I mean it…
dave
Cheers, President Dave.
Good advice.
Best,
Alan
Be careful, or you’ll suddenly find that you’ve been converted to Scientology without your knowledge. brrr.
You will doubtless be aware of this the next time you open your wallet, and the wind blows a lump of tunbleweed out of it and onward across your arid balance sheet.
The Scientology Creed: “First we take their brains. Then we take their money.”
And might I add… Bwehahahahahahaha!
spamwarrior,
Even scarier? I might meet Kirstie Alley.
shudders
I watched her in Star Trek. She was so young then… 😥
And not a scientologist.
Although I think she was a coke head at that point.
She should go back. Nothing keeps the weight off like coke.
What about Jenny Craig?
Oh… right.
I wonder how that vile creature, Valerie Bertinelli is.
Probably lamenting the day she gave birth to the regrettably named Wolfgang, whose sudden appearance in Van Halen has forced many legacy bands to enact an anti-nepotism policy.
CLT,
Hah! yes, indeed. The scary thing is she probably put a lot of thought into that name.
The mind reels, I tells ya.
I heard she was racing Phylicia Rashad to the top for a Jenny cake…
I see lots of gasping, heavy breathing, and buckets of sweat.
Of course, that’s business as usual for me.
Alan, I hate to say this, but NT may have a point. If you don’t do as he asks, you could be breaking the “man code” (I never knew much about it either until I watched “The Bachelorette Tells All”). Because you are a man, apparently you are forced to abide by this code that been around for ages. I did some research for you and found out that you must:
-Be witty at the Friday night dinner planning meetings (bringing up all things Merkin is always a safe bet)
-Tell Tom you “love him, man!”, at least three times during the speech (although if you pretend to get emotional and instead whisper the words “elephant shoes, man!”, no one will be any the wiser)
-Make sure your toast does not include any of the following phrases:
“…so he unzips his pants and says to Mildred, “You want breakfast?!?! Here’s your breakfast!!!”
“Speaking of no balls…”
“I shit you not, she had the biggest rack we ever saw…”
-If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over
-Two guys to a fight
– No shirts, no shoes
– Fights will go on as long as they have to
– If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight
I hope this helps.
…I just realized I may have gotten a few of these mixed up with another code I saw on a movie last weekend.
Regardless, they are all good life-tips.
They are good. Very valuable life lessons. But I thought you got them from a book, not a movie.
Crap, you’re right.
That’s the last time I do Peyote before noon…
Hahahaha!
Please don’t stop doing that on my account. I couldn’t live with myself if you did. I mean, I’d still have to live with myself, but it would be awkward. I’d always be bumping into myself at the mirror and the dinner table and the backyard. I’d always be trying to avoid myself but never really succeeding. Not to mention the horrors of dressing myself in the morning… And having to share my morning Peyote with myself. I’m not a Peyote sharing kind of a guy. It’ll be my downfall. Or at least according to my psychic. Sorry, where was I…?
I think you were floating on a cloud outside of my office window wearing a unitard, eating Philedelphia cream cheese and warning me that my keyboard was being bugged.
At least that’s where I saw you last.
Hoot! Woop! Matron!
Ah yes, It’s sort of coming back. They called me Albert the manservant Angel, they did. I think at one point I also had a kilt tied to my head and an elephant chained to my ankle. But they seem to have gone missing. It’s like the t-shirt says “My Parents Went to Peyote, and all I got was this lousy drug trip, elephant and unitard.”
bschooled,
Thank you. Yes, this helps. Breaking my “man code” would be incredibly painful. I once saw it happen to a guy on “America’s Funniest Home Pornos” Oh sure, we all laughed, but the poor guy was never able to use his “man code” properly ever again.
I’ve gone through your notes with a fine tooth comb (I don’t own a hairbrush) and I am, wildly impressed. And in need of a new comb.
Anyway, I’ve made them into my new mantra/manifesto…
-I shall be witty at the Friday night dinner planning meetings and promise to tell all 637 merkin jokes I know
-I will continually tell Tom “I love you, man!” with particular attention to saying it whenever we are in public washrooms together
-I will buy “elephant shoes” (word is they can correct cameltoe)
Hah, thanks for the head’s up on the speech. I have much editing to do. A real shame, that Mildred breakfast joke is a killer!
😉
Brilliant! Leave it to you to have this stuff left to….
ps. I just thought of one more for your list:
-Make sure you don’t do Peyote before noon
pps. if you do happen to find a pair of elephant shoes, could you let me know where you found them? I need them for a particular eradication I’m working on. Long story.
Hah! Too late on the Peyote I’m happy to nerf monkey purple merkin spleck…
PS. I’ll FedEx over a pair of shoes, Eradicator Girl.
Leave Scientology alone, Alan!
Without Scientology there would be no ‘caring’ in the World – well, thats according to Tombo Cruiser in an interview he did.
Without Scientology there would be stupid people everywhere.
Without Scientology, how would Gay people get ‘cured’???
Without Scientology, where would wealthy Hollywood celebs go when the mall was closed?
Without Scientology…….ahhh, fuck it, I’ve run ot of shit to say!
JB
Hahaha!
There really was nothing left to say.
Nicely summed up, I say.
Good to see you, JB!
I think you should ditch the speech and just tell Tom Cruise jokes.
I got a million of ’em.
Well not a million, but a good 30 minute’s worth.
Nice to see you, Andi!
Cruise jokes are in SHORT supply…bwahhhhahaha
Hah! It goes in the speech! 😉
Don’t throw any merkins into the mix. No good can come of that. I have personal experience.
Nice! Your own personal merkin mix experience. I can feel the onomatopoeia.
Is it anything like my own personal Jesus?
Or should I talk to my own personal Jesus about this?
Alan in Albania
PS: What of heavy petting?
I’m sure those are all fine. Most of these (Jesus, heavy petting) are discussed in length by mixed company, most of whom have only met a few hours ago.
In fact, throw the merkins back in.
Scientology? Scientology?
Is this blog just a homonym for ‘Psych daze’ ? 😉
😆
Yes. Yes, it is.
Love it.
I’m having troubles sleeping. I’m not sure what’s causing it. I think being awake, but I’m not a doctor. I had a friend with the same trouble. He’s dead now. Went totally insane from lack of sleep and ran naked onto a highway. Messy, but it really solved his problem. I thought it might have helped mine too since he was no longer calling me at 3am to tell me he couldn’t sleep. I have no idea why people do that but I do have a theory. It’s that tragedy is just comedy minus the alcohol. My thinking is that if I talk about this long enough whoever’s called me either goes to sleep or hangs up. I probably should try more traditional methods like counting sheep, but I was scared by one as a child. Not a sheep but a wool sweater. I had an uncle who wore them and he was unstable. He had a metal plate in his skull – by choice. Death is called the big sleep but suicide seems a bit excessive in order to get a good night’s rest. I thought about jumping off a building and then I wondered: “If I take a bowling ball with me, which will hit the ground first?” And that’s the kind of question that keeps you up at night.
I feel for you, Alan. Unfortunately I’m suffering from the same problem. According to Dr. Google, this disorder occurs when the eyelids refuse to remain closed over the pupils of the eye for adequate periods of time.
Personally, I think my problem stems from the fact that my lids have lost their elasticity. When I was younger I would flip them inside-out (comic relief during recess). And then in College, I used to stick toothpicks between my cheekbones and supraorbital foreman when I needed to pull an all-nighter before final exams. So now they just won’t stay shut.
Unlike you, though, I don’t really think of any specific thoughts, I just end up lying there, thinking about which thought I should think up next. It’s like I’m trying to discover that perfect thought that would be the granddaddy of all thoughts, you know? Sometimes I do start thinking about Euthanasia, but then I get sidetracked and start thinking about the the youth in asia. Before you know it I am thinking of women in Thailand doing crazy things to ping pong balls.
So anyway, Alan, you aren’t alone. We all feel your pain. And by we, I mean me.
bschooled,
Thank you for answering my desperate cry for help. And thanks for doing it in your brilliantly comically inimitable way. I was terribly sorry to read about the elasticity loss in your eyelids. (but also pleased as a drunken ocelot to write the words “elasticity loss in your eyelids” it has a certain poetic charm. If it was wine it would be an Australian chardonnay.)
It’s true that our College antics always come back to haunt us isn’t it? One day you’re (hah, and this part slayed me by the way) sticking toothpicks between your cheekbones and supraorbital foreman, and the next your lying in bed thinking of women in Thailand doing crazy things to ping pong balls. (by the way, have you been reading my diary again?)
It all happens so quickly. Even when you’re awake all the time.
Still, there is an upside. I have learned that if I stay awake for 72 hours my head won’t explode (although at hour 60, I was fully convinced it was about to) and that the waking hallucinations can become quite soothing once you learn to go with them. The secret is really letting go. There’s something quite sweet about a talking weasel in a tuxedo, even if he is trying to convince you to dance naked in front of your new god, the fridge.
Plus, and this is the best part, it gives me lots of the opportunities to visit the ongoing comedy fiesta that is happening over at Just Making Convo.
“if I stay awake for 72 hours my head won’t explode…”
True, to a point, but your mind will leave your body and go for a siesta all on its own. This leaves just the basic brain functioning and what a bitch that can be.
Bank transcations made but not remembered; women (or men to be PC) bedded without precautions taken at the merkin level; PC files permanently deleted whilst on this automatic pilot binge; excess coffee binged exacerbating the isomnia and producing limb tremors and pseudo-hallucinations of the terrifying type.
When sleep does overtake the crazed neurone ball, the coming too later is awful as the already created disaster unfolds.
SO, THERAPY is indicated. Five mile walk whatever time of day it is followed by warm bath then coital activity with whatever available. If that fails, write a few more epic posts then repeat.
dave
(with the benefit of full night sleep BEHIND me)
😉
Lovely, Dave!
Okay, on that note. I am off to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to not have my head explode.
Did Susan get lucky?
My crazed neurone ball didn’t explode. So everyone is much relieved.
😉
I’ll take that as a NO then?
teehee
Oh, you rascal, you!
😉
The reason you can’t sleep is b/c you are spending way too much time on the computer at 3AM.
It’s true. And I’m sorry I keep waking you up with my comments saying “Dude! Get up. Let’s paaarrrtyyyy!”
And we’re all, like, dude we can’t all blog, some of us have real jobs.
Rent is due by the 5th, just like every month. And get those stoner friends of yours off the couch, unless they’re going to start kicking in on rent.
Scratch that, get them out. Now.
Late again…I suck these days.
I was watching Warren Oates in Bring me the Merkin of Alfredo Gracia and totally lost track of time.
And here I was thinking you rocked…
It’s completely understandable that you’re late.
Bring me the Merkin of Alfredo Gracia is one of the greatest movies ever.
All the action shots are done in slow motion. Cars and merkins slam into each other with the force of a Sponge Bob wet kiss, everyone’s blood has the consistency of molasses, and, ha, it’s so funny, that damn film… Everyone who gets shot does a death spiral dance that would make a ham merkin proud.
And you can semi-quote me on that.
And who can forget Isela “Merkin” Vegans lead role? Not me! She really had problems keeping her clothes on. The poor thing…
But my favorite moment is Kris Kristofferson’s cameo as a Hell’s Merkin. I mean, that scene… He just looks so surprised when Ms. Vegan whips her blouse off. Really and truly surprised. I laugh everytime I think of it.
Like I said… It’s one of the greatest movies ever.
Make me want to curse, but I won’t give in to the urge. Gosh, he got the nerve to complain?! You must be a very patient man to put up wih him 🙂
edit that…lol i mean patient. I need to sleep!
😉
I understand about needing to sleep. It’s something I need to do more of myself.
Nice to see you, lori78!
PS. Edit done!
I don’t know, maybe you will get to hang out with TomKat, Kirstie Alley, and Lea Remini.
Wait, that would suck, actually.
Nevermind!
OR, you could get a gig handling the Christmas Pageant. I have heard those are fun!
http://newcitystage.com/2008/11/22/review-a-very-merry-unauthorized-childrens-scientology-pageanta-red-orchid-theatre/
Hahahaha!
The capper!
I guess box-head is supposed to be Xenu? And the alien angels are his… minions???
Too rich.
Great article….
“The show is a half-snicker away from full snark” – love it!
I must try to make use of that phrase, it’s a corker.
Hah!
I have seen Hell. It’s a night with TomKat, Kirstie Alley, and Lea Remini.
Nice to see you, Aunt Baaa!
I forgot to mention John Travolta, his lovely wife and of course, Jena Elfman.
I don’t know, you could have fun.
Or it could be worse than Nutless’ wedding. On second thought, stick with the pageant.
Totally agreed: I’ll stick with the pageant.
😆
PS. I agree with Nobbly — great article.
This was the article I was actually looking for, it was in The New Yorker last year and the image of the Christmas show just cracked me up!
http://freekatie.yuku.com/topic/3751/t/Interesting-New-Yorker-article–Scientology-s-LA-Celebrity-C.html
Thanks Aunt Baaa
Just read it. Another really good article.
All best,
Alan
“they keep the atmosphere, and gravity in place just with mind control?”..why? because without them we’d be flying all over the galaxy?
look i live here, yes ……….(heavy sigh)……. in the middle of the World Headquarters for this group er..religion uh, cult…whatever..
i see too many of them everyday all dressed all alike and crowding the streets of downtown clearwater..they have their own private security guys on bikes that escort them around..you will never see one alone. they always travel in pairs or more.
i’ve heard they re instructed not to make eye contact with people so i sometimes try and go out of my way to get them to look at me to no avail. remember to them i am a theton.
i could care less what they believe however whacky i may think it is. what bugs me is this: it’s not bad enough they amass major prime real estate but get this, they don’t pay taxes on that property –and it’s waterfront! geez…
one last thing althoguh i know i’m getting way off the mark here: germany has decided they are a c-u-l-t and they are not allowed to practice their “religion” there. now i have to go back to re read your post to see how this will fit in with it. (smile)
Nice, Lynn!
Thanks for that.
You and I are 100% simpatico on this.
I didn’t know that about the taxes. Gee, just another reason to love ’em even more, huh?
😉
“Constant sighing.” LOL. Nice one.
The worst is, can you imagine the kinds of things you’ll have to say to the strangers who will, I’m sure, come up to you both before and after the speech to talk to you about how happy/proud/lucky you must feel to be there as best man to your best friend (and hero) Tom? Blargh! Maybe you can just respond to them with made up stories about you guys’ (pretend) shared adventures that are so outrageous and ridiculous that people will stop asking about them (Like that one time you had to bail Tom out for that statutory rape thing). Win-win: People will stop pestering you AND you can entertain yourself in the midst of this incredibly painful event.
Hah!
Nice Kali!
I can weave it in em> subtly “Tom is also a great artist, a visionary in the vein of Polanski, and much like Polanski, Tom likes to have sex with 14 year old girls..”
‘I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…’
You moved your cubicle further away?
🙂
I did, Alex L.
But according to real science, it’s mathematically impossible to move one’s cubicle far enough away from a Scientologist.
They have a long reach.
It’s all to do with their boneless tentacle arms.
No shit.
In this flood of scientology bashing mirth, we have all missed a key part of Nutless’s complaints about our man.
“I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.”
According to dictionary.com, one of the less obvious meanings of chipper is;
1. to chirp or twitter.
2. to chatter or babble.
So you have to have amuzing but coherent verbal diarrhoea during your time with him, practice for meeting with carlita.
BUT ALSO,
1. a person or thing that chips or cuts.
2. a machine that grinds up logs, tree trunks, discarded Christmas trees, etc., into wood chips.
3. Slang. a person who uses narcotic drugs only occasionally or in small doses.
So, at the Sunday morning session at the outfitters, you were supposed to be handing out small sachets of white powder (preferably heroin or one of its friends, but you can try baking powder) along with syringes etc.
Nutless has given you the perfect way out of the wedding, try and load narcotics onto scientologists, they will run a mile and you will be uninvited.
If all else fails, set up a tree grinding machine in the Hamish car park and offer to chip carlita’s toe nails with it!
dave
😆
I’ll try them all at once! (I just happen to have a spare tree grinding machine in case of emergencies!)
Thanks el presidente! 😉
You know, you can put your friends into wood chippers. If things go badly.
They certainly won’t be friends anymore when they come out the other side… oh no, back to the bloody scientologists agin.
dave
Good morning, Dave.
For some reason, I’m reminded of the classic kid’s song, “Old McDonald Had A Farm And Into The Wood Chipper The Bloody Scientologists Go.”
Ee-yi-ee-i-oh…
It maybe morning for me, and it is with sheets of cold wet rain blasting across out dim sky, but it’s still middle of the bloody night for you.
Remember the therapy advice, apply.
Looks like we’re sharing the same weather.
Ha!
That’s what friends are for… If things go badly.
PS. Sorry I’m late, I was t-boned by a codpiece.
Good thing I have insurance
LOSTL! His name is Nuttless? his mother and father must have been cruel! LOSTL!
I know you’re only joking, alan!
It sounds like a strange situation you’re in there, alan. I wish you the best, but Tom sounds a little off his rocker!
Scientology is illegal where i am, the government says that its a cult, but ive never been asked to drink any refreshing drinks by them at their Intelligence Testing buildings! LOSTL!
My friend timmy says that they hook you up to wires and things called a Me Meter or something and that it zaps you to tell you if you’re sick or so.
It all sounds a little wacky to me!
Im sure you’ll do fine at the wedding, no matter what crazy old tom says! You’re Alan Truitt, Master of his domain! HOORAY!
Bob
Hahahahaha!
Thanks Bob!
And thank goodness you’re here.
It is wacky, Bob. And Nutless Tom and his scientology buddies are a very dodgy creed that and are best to be avoided. Watch out for them, Bob. Something tells me they’d be all over a trusting and kind person like you.
You had a date with a librarian recently didn’t you? I must hurry over and find out how it went.
Nice to see you, Bob. And remember – stay away from the cults.
Your friend,
Alan
[…] Neil Reid John Turner Fundamental Jelly Wise Guy Nettie Hartsock Alan Truitt Linda Cassidy Lewis Tom Bibey marstead Sonya Feher ralfast Pat Bertram Bruce M. Hood Jennifer Hill […]
Forget dressing up as Al Capone, you should go dressed as Leto Atreides II from Dune.
Meh, it’s Scientology. It’s close enough.
I haven’t been very “witty” at the weekly
You could have made some Star Trek jokes, but then he might get offended. After all, Christians don’t take too kindly to Jesus jokes.
Alan, I’m starting to think you’re a bad influence on me 😦
😉
eksith,
You’re a very good influence on me, so that does balance things out nicely.
Now I’m off to start writing Star Trek jokes!
😆
I was unaware the Church of Scientology approved of gay marriage.
Hah! Not at all. Still, the straightened out Tom Cruise. Bless ’em.
Apparently “I love nutless” in a manly hetero way only. Which is still way too much for me. Way too much.
Wow you really are such a great guy. Is Tom really nutless or does it just have some hidden meaning
I remember when I was in the Navy, often there would be Scientology people standing on the street corners in Sydney offering a free personality test. After the test they would take you to the church office to analyse your results. They would ask you to sign their guestbook. We would always put down the name & mailing address of some unsuspecting shipmate. Soon they would be inundated with Scientology junk mail. When we pulled into port it was always great to get mail but for some reason they never were too thrilled to get that stuff.
Man you get way too many comments, I am slowly wearing out my mouse wheel to get to the bottom
Ahhhh…
Forget my Nutless question, I just hovered over his name on the staff list waaaaaaaayyyyyy back up at the top. Nut allergy Ok now I know
damn, how do you get this many comments with one simple post? it’s simply amazing….
I’m very lucky. They are the best commenters (yourself included).
Plus, as you can see from up at the top of the thread, I’m always ready to break into Occitan sonnet. That can’t hurt.
😉
We all work on Alan’s comment farm. We love it!
Note our smiley faces!
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
That’s if you can call it work!
*cue insane laughter*
😉
Good night, Alan.
Good night, CLT!
That was too much fun for words.
ahh *happy sigh* another beautiful trawl through your words 🙂 (i’ve had flu, not been reading, had loads to catch up on)
thanks for the laughs – i love your blog
Why thank you, stinginthetail!
Very nice of you to say. Hope you’re feeling better.
Best,
Alan
I’m loving that nutless Tom wrote your speech for you. If I ever get married, I’m doing that for all my bridesmaids, and my groom, and now that I think about it, I’m writing one for my parents to give too. That’s too funny.
Hahaha!
Many thanks, Yo’ Momma!
And nice to meet you. The speech is all yours. All I ask is that you make sure you please send me a videotape. Or post it on YouTube. Oh, and please ask whoever films it to get lots of crowd reaction shots. Can’t wait to see the expressions on their faces.
Thanks for dropping by and all best.
Alan