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Posts Tagged ‘send in the three headed merkins’

sick days wedding hell
Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.

But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”

According to Nutless:

-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.

-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).

-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.

…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.

And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.

I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”

He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”

He just emailed me my speech.

Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…

When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…

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