Nutless Scientology

Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.

But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”

According to Nutless:

-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.

-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).

-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.

…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.

And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.

I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”

He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”

He just emailed me my speech.

Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…

When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…

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Email from Carlita Paonessa

This was weird…

Even weirder than the time Mary Margaret asked me if I had an extra pair of socks she could borrow.

Today I got an email from Carlita Paonessa…

Mom,

I tell you about my new promotion and you write back telling me about the latest crown Adriana won at her beauty pageant… Puh-lease! What? Do you think those rhinestones will support you when you’re old? Anyway, sorry about your car dying. But I’m too busy. You and dad will just have to take the bus.

Carlita Paonessa is the rising star at Hamish Industries. She’s young, serious, and has jet black hair that leaps off her head in a thousand different directions.

I’ve only said “hello” to her once. She didn’t say “hello” back…

I was just about to call Carlita and let her know about the email deal when I looked up to see her standing at my desk.

Turns out her mother’s name is Alana Paonessa. When Carlita typed in her mom’s name, Outlook dropped down my email address as the suggested recipient. So she just clicked without checking.

I said, “We’ve all done that before.”

There was a long pause.

In the distance, Otto coughed.

She said, “So… Can you delete it?”

I deleted it. I figured we were done. I figured wrong.

“Now can you delete it from your ‘Deleted Items’ file?”

I did.

I thought after that she’d look relieved. But she didn’t. She just stood there…

I tried to lighten the mood. I said that the bus wasn’t so bad. I took it every day…

She looked me in the eye and she looked really annoyed.

And really annoying a rising star is never a good career move…

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