Our new Acting Manager, Carlita Paonessa, informed me that I’m being sent to the new Vancouver office for three weeks to train sales staff.
Carlita wears power very well.
The truth is, I get a little weak at the knees when she orders me around…
Anyway, I’m at the airport and I just overheard a very strange conversation…
Airport Chat
Man – Delays, delays. Planes are always late.
Woman – I guess…
Man – Hi. I’m a professional bowler. Ever heard of me?
Woman – Um, what’s your name?
Man – Pete.
Woman – Pete, what?
Man – Pete Fressner. Professional bowler.
Woman – I don’t follow bowling much.
Man – So, you’ve never heard of me?
Woman – No. Sorry.
Man – Well, I’m not one of the biggies… yet. But someday.
Woman – I’m sure… It must be an interesting career… Bowling.
Man – Well, it keeps me in spare change… That’s a bowler’s joke.
Woman – Yes. Very funny.
Man – So, you’re going Vancouver?
Woman – Uh huh.
Man – Me too. Guess what for.
Woman – To bowl…?
Man – No, to visit my father. He’s sick.
Woman – Oh, I’m sorry.
Man – Ever heard of him?
Woman – Who?
Man – My father, he was a curler.
Woman – And his name is…?
Man – James Fressner. Professional curler.
Woman – I don’t follow curling much.
Man – Well, he wasn’t what you’d call one of the biggies. Still, he had a following.
Woman – I’m sure he did.
Man – So, are you married?
Woman – What?
Man – You married?
Woman – Uh, no actually I’m not.
Man – Great! Wanna bowl a few games in Vancouver?
Woman – I’m engaged.
Man – To who? Maybe I heard of him.
Woman – I doubt it.
Man – Let me guess, his name is Roger, right?
Woman – No. Do you know if there’s a washroom nearby?
Man – No. So, are you gonna marry this guy, Roger, or whatever his name is?
Woman – I think I just heard my name over the P.A. I should check.
Man – Your fiancé… Does he bowl?
Woman – No. He plays tennis.
Man – Really? He’s not Roger Federer is he? I’ve heard of him.
Woman – No. He does it in his spare time. He’s a doctor.
Man – Dr. Phil? I heard of him.
Woman – Look, I really don’t like you asking me all these personal questions.
Man – Fair enough… So, you ever bowl?
Woman – No. Never.
Man – Never?
Woman – Well… 5 pin. Years ago.
Man – 5 pin? What alley? Maybe I know it.
Woman – I don’t remember.
Man – Oh. So, what do you do?
Woman – I’m a realtor.
Man – Really? I got a house. Maybe you know it.
Woman – Maybe I do. Where the fuck is it?
Man – Donlands and Curlew.
Woman – Never heard of it. Never want to hear of it!
Man – Gotcha. You got a house?
Woman – Yeah, I got a house. A big house. An expensive house.
Man – What? About two million?
Woman – Easily.
Man – Nice. Wanna go out some time?
Woman – Not in a million years!
Man – Oh… It’s because I’m a bowler, isn’t it?
Just a quick note to the good people who visit:
Sorry about the infernal delays. The truth is I’m swamped and I’ve fallen behind on my merkin purchases and the rewrites on my screenplay “Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”
(It’s about a superhero old man halfwit who battles groin mauling Morlock chicks from the planet Merkin and saves the day and gets the girl and has sex with her thanks to the wonders of Viagra… The film stars venerable old man, York Mills as The Half Witted Old Man, Nivek Ogre as Sinister Dr. Earful, and action starlet, bschooled as Morlock chick from Planet Merkin #3.)
I’ll try and post when I can. It’s hardly earth shattering news and I suspect life as we know it will continue but I didn’t want anyone to think I’d been murdered for plagiarizing my excuse from Mr. Donald Mills. He’s gonna be pissed about this. But this is his payback for taunting his delightful brother, York.
Your pal,
Alpo
Yo Alpo, I’m really happy for you and I’m gonna (sic) let you finish, but Friggin Loon has one of the best blogs of all time!
I’m happy for you too, frigginloon.
And that’s one hell of a claim. I shall prepare to be dazzled. Don’t let me down. I’m hoping to see fresh, creative, and original material of this caliber.
http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/
http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/
http://justmakingconvo.com/
Мы постарались все представить в нужной форму.На сайте frigginglooпстарались все представить в жнойyoutubeнужной постара представить в нужной форму. постарались все
Haha! I agree, Yuri. Well said, as always, you spammy rascal, you.
Well swot my botty with a dried up haddock!
I’ve been finking I’ve lost the last dozen or more comments. Oh no I haven’t.
Alpo and all his nocturnal friends (that is nocturnal in britland, I have noFI what in NordAmerika) have gone to inserting their offerings at the top of the pile, going back in time!
Have they RSI from scrolling? Or mauling? Or other nefarious actions?
Or just taking the whiz out of sad old britgits?
elpregodtapinghisarthritcdigit.
PS Good to see you Yuri, WTF your saying!
🙂
Poor delicate Viagra huckster Yuri, is ever so terribly distressed about truth in advertising. (Which is pretty rich, when you consider the source.)
It seems the only way to get attention here Dave is to friggin gatecrash the comments! Seems to be working so far!
Yep, it is a strategy that I’m thinking of employing on all blogs, crash in and not blush…
That’s why Blogger suks, you can’t crash in 😦
Hey Yuri, that isn’t very nice, I never slept with your…ah never mind!!! Don’t you dare diss me with Russian my friend, I have friends in the KGB.
представить в нужной форму.На сайте старались все представить в жнойнужной постара представить в нужной форму. постарались все 😆
Alpo aka Alan,
It has been far to long since I’ve heard…well, read, your voice. You should’ve approached that woman after the bowling guy left and asked her if she liked bowling and has she ever heard of your brother, Pete Fresser, the semi-famous bowler.
Welcome back, you were sorely missed!!!
Erin
Thank you for the outstanding compliment, Alan.
Coming from the dazzling “Mr. Ham-dust” himself, it truly means a lot.
You make me want to be a more calibrated blogger…
My pleasure bschooled,
You’re totally there on being calibrated, dude. In fact, you’re so calibrated your Excaliburated. Why, you’re more legendary than King Arthur’s magic sword, which as everyone knows, not only could be used as a bong, but had something to do with the rightful sovereignty of Great Britain. And by prithee and zounds, that is really fucking awesome!!!!
“And by prithee and zounds, that is really fucking awesome!!!!”
Believe it or not, I actually have a t-shirt that says the exact same thing!
(I know a wit who’s dabbling in a new line of “fuck t-shirts”….trust me, he’s brilliant.)
Is that wit Joe Ezsterhas?
Actually, it’s his half wit, evil twin brother, and celebrated rake and gadfly, York Ezsterhas.
Wait a minute are you talking about this guy?
It’s hard for me to say, Scott.
My speakers died (and surprise, surprise, their warranty kicked out a week ago) and I can’t hear the video. He looks a bit like York Ezsterhas, but until I get me bloody self to an electronic store, I… I just don’t know. I tried reading his lips. No luck. I tried reading his mind, but it’s hard to read the mind of a half wit.
More later.
No, it’s not him.
York Ezsterhas doesn’t think of himself as manly. He just is. Oh, and a half wit too.
😉
Word is the fuck t-shirts are selling like Serbian Bean soup in Fucking, Austria.
Hahah! Good one, Erin!
Wish I’d thought of that. 😀
And thank you so much the wonderful words. That’s very kind of you to say and I greatly appreciate it.
Best,
Alpo aka Alan
If you’re still casting, please consider me for any troll parts you may have. I haven’t had much luck in finding screenplays that offer such roles, but I always make sure to ask, just in case. I would hate to miss out on the opportunity of that once-in-a-lifetime troll role. I would jump at the chance to work with such talent!
Great!
There’s a pivotal troll scene at the beginning of Act 2.
York’s spaceship has crash landed on the Planet T.R.O.L.L (The Region of Lascivious Leprechauns) and he is tempted by The Troll Queen to stay. Her plans for York are nefarious (she plans to decapitate him and stew his head) and there is room for a few laughs.
You’d have to work the scene with York, and I know his tittering gets under your skin. But if the sample dialogue below is agreeable to you – then we’d love to have you aboard…
Troll Queen – Well my precious, my pretty old thing. What say you stay here with us?
York – Hee hee…
Troll Queen – All this, in its perfidiousness, can be your as my King. You shall rule the Troll Serfs with an iron fist – and do with them as you please. Iron fisting is a much loved sport here. What say you, my precious?
York – Well, it sounds pretty keen. But the Morlock Chicks from Merkin are –
Troll Queen – Think not of them, you benighted senile toad. My bed is warm. My heart burns. Bask in my glory… You know you crave it.
…It could probably still use a rewrite. I think it needs to be less subtle. But the gig’s yours if you want it.
Pivotal trolls, eh?
…. a nasty complaint if ever there was one.
One of my trolls turned pivotal a few years ago, and antibiotics wouldn’t even begin to sort it out. I ended having it surgically removed.
Good to see you back, by the way.
Hah!
Yes, nasty business those pivotal trolls.
Still, surgery was a bit excessive. If you’d let them soak under a bridge for a month they would have taken care of themselves. Also, there are unguents and creams and voodoo chants that have been known to be wildly effective for these type of, um “topical injuries.”
I’ll send something over.
And, thanks! Nice to see you too.
I’m speechless! Let me gather my composure for a sec. Breath deep. Breath deep. Aaah….okay. I accept, I accept! I’ll have to work on that word “perfidiousness”, though. I have a tendency to get tongue-tied sometimes, but I promise I’ll practice til the cows come home so I won’t mess up! York and I will get along just fine. Thank you so very much!
Tootsie
My pleasure!
Fabulous! You’ve just been cast as “Strumbalina The Queen Troll.”
We’ll be sending a script, sceptre and crown soon. We can always rewrite too and change perfidiousness to something less tongue tying. How’s this read…?
Troll Queen – All this delightful nastiness can be yours, my King…
It’s all about the rewrites. 😛
BTW…that woman in the airport was WAY too nice to that jerk. She should have walked away after that lame “spare change” joke.
😀
Haha!
Bowlers don’t have a large repertoire of jokes, so I guess he was just using all he’s got. My guess is that his “I sometimes end up in the gutter” line goes over even less well.
She should have been more concerned about where he’d put his fingers and thumb if he helped her up the steps into the aeroplane.
I bet they don’t teach young ladies how to deal with that situation in finishing school.
Hahaha!
No, that’s one of those highly unexpected moments where a proper young lady must improvise and use her natural wits.
welcome back to blogging! It’s a great sport. I’m a blogger, ever heard of me?
Ok now I need to remember this annoying line for my next plane trip.
Do you think those two ended up sitting next to each other?
I’m an amnesiac.
Maybe I’ve heard of me.
Hah!
Nice…
I’m a televison captioner. Perhaps you’ve seen my work?
I only know the phrase “monkey-riders” because of you.
Then my work here is done.
True story. That line took three years to write.
An edited version of it’s progression, focusing on the low points…
-Monkey Shimy Shining
-Chimp Caprioling
-(a series of Gorilla attempts – all of them rather disgusting)
-Baboon Leapfrogging
-Anthropoid Jiving
-Ape Kill Ape Day (I got way off track here)
-Primate Cowboys
-Bucking Simians…
Which lead to “Monkey Riders”
🙂
Hah!
Thank you lisleman!
Why, yes. Yes, I have heard of you. I also seem to recall you do a fair amount of flying.
If they ended up beside each other, I suspect it was a long flight for her. In fact, I suspect it was a long flight for whoever ended up sitting beside Pete Fressner, pro bowler.
I stepped on your line.
“Hi!!! I’m Keanu Reeves and I’m an actor!!!
Maybe you’ve heard of me!!!”
No. Can’t say I have… Oh, wait!
Did you star in those Bollywood films opposite the great thespian Ram Venkatararam?
Yeah, I heard of you. Your specialty is saying “whoa!” Oh, and you don’t juggle, sing, or dance.
Who hasn’t starred in a Bollywood film?
They all feature “casts of thousands” and “songs of interminable length and minimal relation to the plot.”
Ram V. was a stud, alright. He starred in over 300 films in 2004 alone. Known as “the One-Take Ram,” Venkatararam’s work ethic is legendary and he was often known to shoot pivotal scenes during contract negotiations with other studios.
Due to his tireless enthusiasm, many studios employed a 2nd-unit to follow Ram at all times to shoot coverage and incidental footage. One box-office topper “The Man Who Would Be Councilman Takes A Bride” was composed entirely of footage shot during Ram’s morning constitutional with various inserts from his afternoon bath.
Due to its relative cohesiveness and short running length (3 hrs 45 mins), “The Man Who Would Be Councilman…” made box-office history when it reigned as the top earner for nearly 48 hours.
(Note: K. Reeves did not appear in this film intentionally.)
Hahahaha!
I’ve starred in six. Four of them I didn’t even know I was in!
Brilliant homage to Ram. Hilarity abounds, I tells ya.
Convenience store workers, prisoners, and Bollywood stars all over the world are shedding tears of joy.
Loverly stuff.
Wasn’t he also in an episode of “Oh that Jason!”?
Yes.
Season 1. Episode 12: “The 12 Dreams of Jason”
Ram showed up in a cameo appearance during the infamous “Cowboys and Indians” dream sequence. You wrote the episode by the way. You even won an Emmy for it.
Man, you and CLT don’t remember any of your work on the show. Were you both drunk all the time? I can’t remember. For you see, I was drunk all the time.
Some of the experiences came back thru intense regression therapy.
The others came flooding back when I co-hosted the VMAs.
Hah! A terrible mistake. And yet, you do it every year.
Still, we did have some good times writing for “Oh, That Jason!”
Remember the day the producers didn’t beat us? That was special.
I always liked how you said that they looked like they’d just cooked and eaten their mothers. That got us through the tough times – when the booze was low, and Claire was seeing bats. Although, haha, that had its moments….
Those producers! What cards!
They referred to all the other days as “Flayday” and loved it when we misheard them.
That one particular Tuesday was sweet indeed. I had managed to find my last Affliction shirt that hadn’t been afflicted and was thinking about having a large butterfly tattooed on my back to distract from the pain.
I remember we took a quick lunch at the commissary and when we got back to the writers’ block, the producers told us that due to the massive amounts of blood, they were temporarily switching to Tasers.
It sounds awful but the healthcare coverage was unbeatable (much in a way we weren’t) and the free lifetime subscription to Lifetime Television: The Magazine was icing on the cake.
They were special times…
And you were always able to turn our daily humiliations into classic Jason comedy.
The Season 1, Episode 8, “Jason’s Flayday” was magic. I’m still amazed we were able to get away with the hair-shirt scene. I’m not sure if it was lack of blood or one too many bottles from Claire to the head – or the bats, for that matter, but we churned out a damn fine script. As I recall we won The Nobel Peace Prize for it.
Apparently that scene where Jason has a cartoon fantasy about mauling a robotic dog’s groin was a metaphor for the Cold War.
Who knew? Not us. We hadn’t been outside for years.
Not to mention all the other indignities. Seeing the sun was the least of our worries once the contracts had been finalized.
The producers gathered us into a room lit with a single light bulb and then left for a week.
When they returned they told us that we would be expected to hand in “Emmy quality work – no exceptions.” We would be required to buy our own supplies from them at $5 per sheet of paper and $20 per typewriter ribbon.
They informed us that we would be getting paid bi-annually, in the form of advances against our theoretical royalties. We were to be paid 5 cents a word but the pilot and first three episodes would be a “tribute to the silent comedies of yesteryear.”
We tried to circumvent this by typing up some insanely wordy title cards but they arrived armed with nightsticks and Tasers to tell us that we would no longer be paid for words using the letter ‘e’ and would now be forced to share a cubicle. And a typewriter.
They also said that because they wanted to maximize productivity, we would need to work in alternating twelve hour shifts and that they needed a night watchman but were’nt in the position to pay for one, so one of us would patrol the halls while the other typed.
We were allowed to use the employee restroom, which was an unlit hole in the floor that drained onto our “living quarters,” which was an unlit room that stood two comfortably.
If for any reason we needed to leave the office, we were to be blindfolded and placed in the trunk. Meals were to be eaten in five minutes. Restroom breaks were unpaid. Hecklers were allowed to hurl insults and heavy objects through the writer’s block bars. We would need to make room for another writer soon, they said, and it’s a woman.
It was at that point that we became indignant.
That was when the show really hit its stride, wasn’t it?
Oh, those angry comedy writers!
I love you guys. The therapy’s working. I’m glad I don’t remember shit.
Final diagnosis: Success.
Subject claims “can’t remember shit.”
Some side effects: drinking, swinging liquor bottles, blogging.
Suggested follow-up: Regression therapy to bring back said “shit,” starting recursive loop of hourly billing.
You would bring that shit back up. Aren’t we supposed to let sleeping dogs lie?
Alan, get up and tell the truth!
It’s all a bit of a blur, Claire. 😉
I do recall scotch bottles and skull fractures… Other than that.
Oh — and as I vaguely recall you were hallucinating a lot. According to your memoirs (which I’m using as a resource), you were seeing bats.
“Man – Really? I got a house. Maybe you know it.
Woman – Maybe I do. Where the fuck is it?”
That is one of the all-time great one-two punches ever written. It would make Mamet vote the Green Party.
Thanks, the secret is starting off with lines like “it keeps me in spare change” there’s no where to go but up!
Re. Mamet? You mean he’s not a member of The Green Party???
Well he needs to get on board. In fact, he’d be a good spokesperson for The Green Party. I just wrote some ad copy for him.
Here’s a transcript of this minor work of art:
EXT. FRONT OF DAVE’S HOUSE — DAY
David Mamet enters screen carrying a bag of garbage.
David: America is finally entering the enlightened age of – the green bin. And folks, our recycling lives just got a lot more wonderful – and complicated.
EXT. STREET — DAY
Average recycling guy Dave Mamet is walking his green bin — and his cat!
Dave: So now we have blue, grey and green. They’re 3 colours that, interestingly enough, no country in the world has ever used together for their flag. Our new green bin has the structural design of a step-on garbage can without the convenience of the foot pedal. And before we store it in a convenient location – you know, crammed somewhere in that mountain of recycling bins growing in the garage – we’re asked to wash it with soap and water. Hey, I’m enjoying it already!
INT. DAVID’S BATHROOM – DAY
David Mamet is having a bath and washing his green bin.
David: The Green Bin also comes with a handy-dandy sheet telling you what you can and can’t recycle. Just so you know, it’s a big YES on your pet’s waste, and a NO to your pet’s fur — I always get those two confused… It’s a NO on dryer lint and a resounding YES on soiled paper towels. A YES on meat, but NO on meat tray liners. Once that’s straightened out, you can just sit back and wait for the raccoons to show up!
EXT. DAVID’S BACK YARD — DAY
David Mamet stands proudly in front of his many recycling bins. He strokes one in a sexual manner that makes us uncomfortable but also intrigues…
David: It’s just what we need: To spend more quality time separating our organics. And if we get too good at it and wind up with overflow green bin material, we’re advised to put it in a see-through plastic bag beside our bin. Or we can BUY a second green bin for our growing composting habit. Ah yes, the first one’s always free, isn’t it?
EXT. DAVID’S FRONT PORCH — DAY
David Mamet smokes a pipe on his front porch. .
David: According to the green bin literature, you should start separating your organics and placing them in your green bin the week before. I guess that’s a better plan than waiting until the last minute and then rummaging through your garbage bags for coffee grounds and egg shells. Sure, it’s all a little confusing, but it gives me the opportunity to really get to know my garbage.
Fucking brilliant!
That fucking Mamet sure knows his way around the trash heap.
I can see him yelling at the overstuffed recycling bin as he tries to get the lid on:
“A-ALWAYS!
B-BE!
C-CLOSING!
ALWAYS BE CLOSING!”
(Alan – Your’s was much better. Welcome back.)
Haha!
Pure Mamet.
Thanks, CLT, the secret is to start off with Mamet carrying garbage.
Yours was seriously awesome too. One might even say — Mametatious!
A CLATT exchange of quality, I think?
Thank you, Dave.
Not sure Mr. Mamet would concur in spades. But then again, he’s not here right now…
😉
Welcome Home, Alantru 🙂
Do I know annoyingly boring people like ‘Bowler’?
Hell, I’ve BEEN one 😦
Thanks Eunoia! 😉
I don’t believe THAT for a second!
PS: Do you bowl?
No, but the Dutchess of Cornwell 😉
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To understand that joke you have to go back to her first marriage 😉
😆
Woot!
Wow! That’s one heck of a book title.
Well, if it gets made, William Shatner would be perfect as the lead. After all, he’s got plenty of experience for the last 40 years. 12/16th Of that on reruns.
Nice to see you eksith!
Yes, the title took three years and 567 rewrites to finally complete. It was originally called “Rider Monkeys from Planet Spunk.” Then I lost the monkeys and replaced them with an old man. It just made more sense dramatically…
Then I had to get to work to writing the damn screenplay. It can get quite challenging to write scenes that must always include Viagra product placement and Viagra name checks. Still, that’s why show biz is so glamorous.
Good call on Shatner. He’s available for weddings, parties and funerals – so why not my 216 page filmic disaster in the making?
Plus he and I go back. I once broke into his house and stole all his booze and toupees. I drank the booze and made a hair shirt out of the toupees.
I thought everyone had heard of Pete Fressner.
Speaking of booze. Why doesn’t your screenplay have any bottle swinging in it?
Ahh, good note.
I’ll make sure to include some bottle swinging in the next draft.
Perhaps “The Bottle Swinging Babes from The Planet Phoenoxia”
Ohhhhhh… Pete…
Of the Vancouver Fressners.
Of course.
Is there any other?
I don’t know. I apparently don’t talk to the right people at the airport.
You just need to take a weekend and go hang out over there. You’ll meet all kinds of interesting people.
😀
It’s true. That’s how I hooked up with those hippies known as The Hare Krishna.
A wackier group of zanies I never met!
Hi. I’m Tom.
I represent a local group who has the potential, with you involved, to out-zany and out-wacky any group of wacky zanies you have ever met.
You may be thinking that this is some kind of kooky, crazy dream. You may be thinking that I am not “on the level.” You may be searching frantically for the nearest exit, emergency or otherwise.
Let me show you my credentials. Here is my library card, my blood donor card and, of course, my Bachelor of Scientology degree.
If you would like to know more, please withdraw $500 in $20’s and meet me by the Applebees at the end of the concourse.
We will discuss things further there. My associates and I are thrilled to spread the Good Word. Pay no mind to my eerily easy-going manner and emotionless exterior.
Repeat: Please bring $500 cash and yourself to the corner booth of Applebees located at the end of concourse A.
End communication.
“Hi Tom.”
Hi, I’m Alan… It’s been six hours since my last drink… Whoops. Haha, wrong meeting.
I’m intrigued, Tom. And I think you deserve more than just a few hundred dollars. I think you deserve all my credit card numbers and banking information. It’s the least a freshly and recently out-zanied and out-wackied guy like me can do for you. You’re just so wacky zany – that I want to do something zany and wacky in return.
But, I also want to make sure you’re legit. Answer the following five (to start) questions correctly and my riches (hah) are all yours…
1. Last night I had a dream about
a) Tiger placenta
b) Caligula and Danny Thomas – together at last
c) Some sort of tree nut
2. When I think of Valentine’s Day I want to…
a) kill people
b) Drink alone
c) Masturbate compulsively
d) Do something romantic
3. When I was in my shower tonight I ran out of…
a) Soap
j) Soap on a rope
xxx) Dignity
ack!) Hot Water
4. Fill in the blanks: I used to ___ with a hooker named ___ at the _____
5. Yes or No? (Well, go on, which is it, Tom?)
Hi, “Alan.”
I appreciate your interest. Let me assure you, very confidently, that we are a legitimate cult, unlike those Seventh Day Adventist.
As we have recently aced our Voight-Kampff, we should have no problem answering these questions you have thoughtfully whipped up at the last minute.
1. b
2. a
3. dignity
4. I used to [line-dance] with a hooker named [REDACTED] at the [Vancouver Airport].
5. Yes.
I will allow you to confer with your dancing partner on the test results. Speaking of which, you should probably have yourself tested as well.
Warm regards Tom end communication.
Thank you for your swift reply, Tom.
You were close but, as I suspect you might already know, got the name of the hooker was wrong. Her name wasn’t [REDACTED] but [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE]
Still close is good.
Let’s try again…
My gal is a…
a) High Born Stepper
b) 19th Century Drinker of “Strip Me Naked” Gin
c) Frank Tovey
The Trouble With Young People Today Is….
a) They’re assholes
b) They all believed Mr. Rogers’ lies that they’re “special”
c) Woot! Honk! Hoograh!
Which of the following is correct?
1. Aries: You will continue to view pagans as those who are not a Christian, Muslim, or Jew.
2. Taurus: You, on the other hand, will continue to view pagans as people who have no religion.
3. Gemini: As for you… Well, you will continue to view pagans as hedonists. Oh, and you will continue to view hedonists as pagans. That’s how it works.
I’m am stepping away for a moment to…
a) Think about Manet and Monet
b) Get confused about Manet and Monet
c) Find hookers at the Vancouver airport
d) Do the Froog
e) All of the above and so much more
Your testing is getting more rigorous. I appreciate your enthusiasm and wish to have you “on board” as soon as possible.
I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
Okey-dokey. Here we go:
1. c
2. c
3. 2
Bonus:
e
I hope these answers are satisfactory. I wish to continue this conversation as soon as possible. Please return quickly and bring $500.
Have a wonderful day alan end communication please bring 500 dollars american
I’m sold!
Well, partially…
Bur before I am fully sold, I’ll need you to do the following for me…
Spend tomorrow drinking in the bathtub. (please take the following statement anyway you care to.)
Choreograph me something special to the music of Twisted Sister
Bring me the head of a cosmic wood nymph.
Oh, and bring me the heel of Achilles and the fin rot of Poseidon.
Teach me how to play the harpsichord
Lend me $10,000.00
I am looking forward to working with you “Alan.”
Bathtime is for drinking. We can hunt wood nymphs. I am assured of our success in these matters. Please speak to my associates. We will bring spare parts from Achilles and Poseidon. I am sorry we do not have 10000 dollars american cash.
partially sold twisted sister fin rot statement kill working relationship 500 dollars ATM merkin froog
nerk
I am “Tom”
I was born in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January, 1992. My father was Dr. Langley and he taught me to sing a song.
Would you like to hear it?
Hahaha…
Thank you, Tom. I’ll hop on my bicycle built for two while you sing.
Oh, this song of yours…? I hope it doesn’t sound anything like The Besnard Lakes. I just heard them and I’m really Besnard Laked out.
He sounds legit to me, Alan.
In fact, if you do make plans to meet him, I was wondering if you could do me a favor…ask him to bring along a headshot (preferably one of him wearing a smarmy grin) as well as a list of 10 things that no one knows about him.
I think my “piece de resistance” has finally come…
Haha!
Wait for it… I suspect he’s rather good at making lists. Just a hunch.
Hi “bschooled.”
As a top of the line model of “Tom” there are probably several things that I don’t know about myself. Please allow me to enlighten both of us by going sentient and murderous.
OK. First the list and then the killing. Just like in the directive.
10 Things No One Knows About Tom
1. Goes from 0-Sentient in less than 10 seconds.
2. Lost most of this knee in ‘Nam.
3. Once wrote an entire screenplay without using the letter ‘e’.
4. As promised, gave Stella her “groove” back after the ransom was delivered.
5. Has no “off” switch.
6. Can work the word “torpitude” into a sentence at the drop of a hat.
7. Actually, it wasn’t ‘Nam. It was Grenada.
8. Backup flautist for Hawkwind.
9. Won the 4th grade spelling bee without using the letter ‘e.’
10. 178th in line to claim Kennedy fortune.
List satisfied. Proceed with directive “ape shall not kill ape.”
Switching to KILL mode. Engage.
Toodles!
That’s perfect Tom!
Enlightening, yet it still leaves the audience wanting “more” (or less, depending on your demographic).
And it looks like we have more in common than you’d think, seeing as I once wrote an entire Memoir without ever using the word “I”.
T’was hard, but thankfully eye managed to pull through…
Hahaha!!!
Technicalities are awesome.
Hi Tom. My name’s Claire and I’m an author. Maybe you’ve heard of me?
Hi “Claire”
I’m “Tom Mk. II.” The previous Tom has been retired due to catastrophic failure.
We would be thrilled to have a writer on board with us at the Scientological Institute. Ever since ElRon left earth in the form of white light and pure energy, it has been difficult to sustain his prolific output.
Fan$ such as Travolta, Cruise and Sommers are clamoring for more writings. They feel that his name need to be spread across the known world and then, shortly after, the unknown world.
We cannot offer you an immediate salary but rest assured, we will reward you with gifts, scans and ridiculous titles.
Please meet me and my associates by the dancing dog and hooker. We will need $500 cash to start your writing career with us. The cash is needed to purchase such essentials as paper, typewriter ribbons and Porsche 911s.
If you wish to continue this transaction, please press 1. You will notice I have been numbered from 1 to 21 for your convenience.
Number 21 is not to be used except in case of very special emergencies. It is normally kept covered in a protective sheath.
Thank you for your consideration. Please accept this promotional pen. When you tip it upside-down, all the money comes out of the actor’s pockets. It’s a gag.
Haha.
Enjoy.
peace out end communication
What kind of return on investment can I get for my $500?
ELPRESGOD SAYS
Thankgod we don’t have to scrolldown for 5 metres before coming to recent comments! But, with 25 in just over 7 hours, this little bugger will be just as long in a few days.
On behalf of all TS’s may I trumpet the return of our great leader, but with a group plea to him;
Little and often is best.
Sleep for 8 hours EVERY night.
Your priority is the screeplay to provide hard cash to pay for aeroplane flights to overhear more jerks like this.
I’ve hosed out the bunker of all the sh7te you left behind and the neighbours promise to copulate quietly providing the CLATT’s write dialogue I can understand more than 20% of.
END OF ELPRESGOD statment.
Thanks Dave…
Much appreciated.
Oh, one thing. I left a letter in the basement. It was addressed to my friend, John. Can you send it? I believe it reads…
Hey buddy!
Having a great trip so far. I landed in London a few weeks ago and did all the tourist stuff — saw The Tower, Big Ben, and had sex with the Queen — you know, the usual. Okay, so that last one may not be in the travel brochures, but believe you me, it’s worth the extra 40 pounds.
I’m joking around…there was no charge. In fact I definitely came out ahead on the deal. Pretty wild eh, old Alpo putting the blocks to the Queen!!! I knew you won’t believe me so check out the photo — take a peek, you won’t see a tattoo like that on a commoner’s ass, that’s the royal seal, pal.
It was totally cool how it happened. I was in this pub when she sat down beside me. She starts buying the rounds, and after a few pints I’m starting to find the idea of a little of the old “Mrs. Robinson” a bit appealing. I know it’s sick, but I figure, what the hell…I’m on holiday! So I slide my hand onto her knee and she freaks. She starts going “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the bloody Queen!” So she makes this big scene and before she leaves she hands me this note telling her to meet her outside in 20 minutes. When I finally go outside there’s this big honkin’ limo and she rolls down the window and waves a doily. So I hop in.
Now get this man, ’cause this where it gets a little hard to believe. Turns out that the Queen is just that — the Queen of England! So we’re zipping through the streets of London and she’s sizing me up and licking her lips and I’m starting to feel a little creepy, ’cause it was dark in the pub and now I can see that she’s more than a little old, I mean, I’m no spring chicken, but she predates the magnacarta. I’m definitely thinking about bailing at the next red light, when we pull up — and into — Buckingham Palace.
So we’re walking through the palace and she asks me if I fancy anything. I’m hammered, so I slap her ass and say “oh yeah, I fancy something all right” She laughs, then takes me into this room and there, in front of me, is the whole royal brigade — King guy, Princes, fairies, etc. etc. So I put on the airs, ask where they’re hiding the bar and tell them I’m Sir Osis Of The Liver — you know, from the cartoons. The Queen laughs and asks me if I want to see her Corgi’s. And I’m like “Yeah, yeah sure” and the next thing I know we’re in this bedroom the size of your house. A massive four poster bed and all around are these really ancient portraits that you expect to see the eyes moving in. Well she wastes no time and starts warming me up with some provocative dancing. It was creepy, but I figure in for a penny in for a pound.
Next thing I know, I’m lying on her bed and she’s coming at me. It was totally intense, sexually. It was the first time I did it with a Royal, or an Octogenarian (or whatever you call ’em). But she’s cool. She starts by biting the buttons of my shirt. Now this would have been better if her teeth had been in her mouth instead of her hands, but the overall effect is the same. So I strip her off and we’re both starkers (that’s British for naked). I’m not sure if I should get on top so I ask her if there’s some, like regal protocol for doing the nasty. She assures me there isn’t and takes charge. She pushes me down and then, I swear this is true, places a crown on her head, chugs from a bottle of Pimms. No 1., and begins to scar up my stomach as she screams this incredible twist on the monarchy stand-by: “On with his head.” It was awesome.
We did the royal thing for about three hours, and afterward, she doesn’t want to cuddle or anything, she wants to watch the DVD of the whole thing! Can you believe it? The horny old bat taped the whole deed… So we watch it and do it again, watch it and do it again and before I know it, it’s like midnight and she’s telling me I should be thinking about leaving. I ask when I can see her again, but she laughs in my face and tells me that it was just a one off, just some shagging and nothing more.
So I’m pretty upset and so I say “It’s because I’m Canadian right? I’m just some colonial boy toy to you?” All she says is “Don’t spoil the mood Nobby” (that’s what she called me) and before I can say anything else a bunch of special service guys are tossing my can out into the street.
I tried phoning but she wouldn’t take my calls. I was totally bummed for a while but I’m over it now. I’m thinking about going to Monaco, who knows, maybe I’ll get a hand job from Princess Carolyn.
Anyway, gotta run.
Alpo!
P.S. I guess if I’d bagged her mom (I’m told she’s dead) I could have called myself “The Queen Motherfucker!”
That is the least likely thing that has ever happened.
On related business, it’s unfortunate that you don’t have time to write a post…
😉
Hahaha!
I need to hire some writers!
That’s how it goes when you’re out there bonking royalty.
Have royal sex. Get tested. Have royal sex…
It makes for a long day.
What do they test you for?
I can’t imagine a syphilitic inbreeding bloodline would keep anyone out of the royal family or their various orifices.
Or maybe it was something else, entirely.
“Please, your majesty. We’ve been going at it for hours and you know I have my LSAT’s in the morning.”
I was tested for Ignorant Arrogance. The royals are all loaded with it.
Vote Avery for King.
http://www.averyant.com/AveryforKing.htm
I’m surprised that sequence made it past the GCHQ elintel monitors and into britland blogosphere.
I have dual citizenship, Dave.
So as a Canadian Subject/Scot/Brit myself maybe I get a bit of leeway?
Plus, the Queen and I may be lovers no more, but we’re still good friends.
😉
Yeah! You don’t have time to write posts but by God you can draft a hell of a letter.
Royal sex ended up being a royal pain in the ass.
True, Claire…
But Queen Elizabeth and I will always (and I mean always) have the STD we shared.
“Hail Chlamydia
Chlamydia Rules our Oral…”
Kneeling before the queen has a whole new meaning for you doesn’t it?
So does the expression “Royal Flush”
And an Ace in the Hole
😆
Welcome back.
I think we’ve all known people like that bowler in some way, shape or form.
Too bad about 50% of government employees are like that.
Thanks G,
That’s a lot of bowlers working for the government!
😉
Oh no!
I’ve never heard of you.
But let me guess, are you perhaps starring in a senseless movie called ‘The Never Ending Questions’?
Welcome back Alan 🙂
Hah!
Thanks lori78…
‘The Never Ending Questions’?
Did that star my neighbour’s 4 year old son? It sounds like it was written for him…
Him: Alan can fire burn a house?
Me: Yes.
Him: Can it burn a shoe?
Me: Yes.
Him: Can it burn toys?
Me: Yes.
Him: can fire burn fire?
Me: Um, yes…
Him: can it burn water?
Me: Uh, no…
Him: Oh. Do all people eat?
Me: Yes…
Him: Do they eat chicken…?
ad nauseam.
I know you’ve got most of the cast chosen, but in your absence I”ve been channeling a sex goddess and will soon be reincarnated, partially as a sex Counselor..If the Red Queen doesn’t chop off my head.
I could do some good work for your people.
Pic will be coming soon, I know you’ll need a screentest.
missed you.
Thanks Delicate Flower.
That’s kind of you to say delicate flower. Much appreciated.
Okay: To the business of B Movies…
This is good news!
The She Goddess Morlock chick of Planet Merkin is a Sex Counselor!
Her name is “Dentonia Dental Damnation”
It’s a pretty meaty part and will require a lot of physical comedy. Plus, you have to have a working knowledge of using a cat o ‘nine tails.
Interested?
Ce n’est pas un chapeau.
Perhaps that’s too subtle. This man is a hat, you say? A professional hat?? I think if I was going to pursue that I’d rather be a cloche. Less room for confusion.
Ce n’est pas un cloche.
(Do I get double points for Magritte and Plath in one sentence? There should be some kind of reference scrabble.)
Une cloche. Une. C’est un chapeau de la femme.
Much of my French has been forgotten. My apologies.
Oui, mon amis, très bien, magnifique! C’est le nom que j’ai donné à mon petit canard…
Hee hee
Sacré bleu nerque merquin! à gogo numpe c’est à la carte hors d’œuvre! Votre Francais – C’est les bolloques du chien! Bonnet de douche, mon sewer! Bonnet de douche!
‘Les bollocques du chien’, en angleterre, est un compliment tres grand. Malheuresement, mon Francais pour led words de la right wordsmeeth. Il est getting sur les tits de l’entire bleedin’ merkin .
Woot! Hee hee… Morlock???
Qu’est-ce que c’est que ca? La meme chose. Pour le Rôti de boeuf en sauce c’est la rêve qui chante. Por les bollocques tres bien merde. Toot suite!
Hey barelyknittogether…
This is a transcript of “Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”
True story: I wrote this passage while channeling the ghosts of Magritte and Plath.
I’ll translate into Scottish later. Basically, it’s a scene where York remembers an event from his childhood in which his mother scolds him for lacking ambition.
It’s a pivotal moment because it’s what inspires him to become a superhero – and it’s his first inkling that his dear mother may be a Morlock Chick from The Planet Merkin.
You’ve been cast as York’s mother. There’s no getting out of it, so please start working on your Scottish accent.
😉
Malheuresement, M. Truitt, votre Franglais est plus de shite. Mais let nous ne pas go down ce rue encore un fois….
Should this epic production of yours ever make it to general release, please don’t subtitle it… the audience will never get to see the bloody thing for trying to read the Franglais.
Ah, c’est tres bon idea, Monsieur de Nobbly,
I think the Scottish scene may need translation though… I think…
EXT. BARN. – DAY
Young York Mills, his finger lodged up his nose looks on as his mother bollocks a sheep.
Mother Mills – What’s with ye, ya wee daft bairn?
Young York Mills – Hee hee..
Mother Mills – Ye plan to loll about lickin’ yer your hinder parts like ye was some sheep o’ the fields for the rest o’ yer days or ere ya gonna to find yerself some God’s werk fer yer idle hands as befits a mon and a half weet like ya?
Young York Mills stops admiring the booger he has produced from his nose and stares at his mother like a half wit.
Mother Mills – Speak up lad, I canna hear ye for all the anger and puzzlement belaborin’ the runnels of ma brain!
Your grasp of so many languages astounds me.
You don’t fool me, I KNOW you guys are talking dirty in FRENCH, no less!!
Come on, Alan, we want sub-titles!
(Or a photo of you, “Starkers…”)
:!
Hah! Photos of me “starkers” would be too scary.
That’s for us to decide.
They are in the mail and on their way to your house, Claire.
Hide the kids and prepare to go blind.
😉
What did you say? Type bigger. I can’t see what you’re saying! Where did I put that magnifying glass? The last time I used it, I was looking at your picture.
Claire,
Are you belittling my font size?
😉
There you are, I think I’ve set you up very nicely here…
It’s not the size of the font, my friend, it’s the words you make with it…
Anticonstitutionally of nothing, I was thinking about Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis the other day. And while some might say that to ponder the subject is nothing more than an act of floccinaucinihilipilification, I disagree.
I assume you live in a huge house and drive a huge car. Ever had a problem with overcompensation?
Hahaha…
Once, at a meeting of “The Oversized Penis Club”
Other than that… All good.
I just realized why you liken yourself to a canine.
You liken lickin’?
Okay, I just MENTION having a party – for which Alan will pay, and “Presto” we get a new posting! Damn, I’m good, huh?
No need for that much thanks, gang, but I’m just saying…
🙂
PS: Alan: please convey kudos’ to Mike for his impending success – at our expense of course… He is such a good writer, I shouda known… 😦
Nice job, Sally!
You know how to run a tight boot camp, my friend. Very inspiring. Very motivational indeed.
I’ll pass on your kind words to Mikey boy. Many thanks.
Your pal,
Al
True! Thanks Sally!
I missed you, Alan. Hope you had a great summer and have fun in Vancouver!
Thanks Andi!
Hope you had a great one too.
That’s very kind of you to say. Vancouver is a wonderful place to be. Even when it’s raining.
SAGEWGERWT$#W%@#$W$%#TERWG#$%#@!!!!!
!!!
!
?
Forgive my nonsensical typing Alan, I just got a little excited there for a minute…
*grabs the Flunitrazepam from her medicine cabinet
Ok, that’s better.
Where was I? Oh right. I’m so glad you updated us, Alan.
To be honest, I was just on my way towards a downward spiral, when I decided to log-in and check my blog stats first. Unfortunately I got distracted by the search terms people Googled to find my blog, and the next thing I knew, dinner was ready and I’d wasted two good hours of downward spiralling time.
Anyway, I was just about to log out, eat dinner and continue spiralling downward, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a cute avatar of a dog with big ears.
With an update for all, so witty and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be his shtick.
All I have to say is Thank God. I was afraid you’d forgotten about the brilliant screenplay and I’d have to go back to waiting tables at the Speak Easy…
Ok, now I need to rest. This is just a little too much excitement for a heavily-medicated action starlet to handle.
Here’s a keen fact: “SAGEWGERWT$#W%@#$W$%#TERWG#$%#@!!!!!” is Romanian for “I want to lend you money, give you my drugs, yes, even my Flunitrazepam and buy you large amounts of alcohol at the !!!!! Dance Club.”
I studied Romanian while I was away.
It’s my new schtick, I’m happy to say!
bschooled,
Sorry about all the spiraling, I’m sending over my Spirograph game. Just don’t tell the fine people at Hasbro that I’m game sharing or they’ll have my testicles in a goodie bag…
Oh sure, that sounds fun, but I’ve been down this road before. It was mildly fun at the best of times and like reading Dickens at the worst of times.
The screenplay remains on the top burner – in case I finally give in to my desires to burn it. But I am still writing. I’m pleased to report Morlock Chick #3 now commands the spaceship in the big rocket ship space scene at the beginning of Act 16.
Unfortunately, due to endless Viagra Product placements, the ship isn’t a phallic looking object but a giant sized Viagra pill – but these are the sacrifices one makes when making great art.
Feel free to remain heavily-medicated. It’s what great method action starlet’s do. It’s the Stanislavski schtick.
I thought those Hasbroians might do that to you, Alan.
Which is why I took the liberty of writing your unauthorized biography.
It’s the least I could do.
Hahahahahahaha!
You really do care!
Your book is an epic tale filled with great comedy – and all of it at my expense. Well done.
I’m willing to give you a book jacket quote.
“I laughed, I was snipped.”
Or…
“As a writer, the audacious bschooled has balls. Wish I did.”
Or…
“The feel good story of the year. Ironic, since I’ll be feeling nothing for the rest of my life.”
ps. Please hurry up and authorze it, I don’t want everyone going all “James Frey” on me…
But it would get you on Oprah — twice!
Still, I understand your concern. It would be tragic in a Freyian kind of way. Consider it authorized.
What the Hell. We can always sue each other later.
Suing each other: It’ll be our schtick.
Brilliant! I’m hand-writing the book jacket quotes as we speak. Just so you know, I may need to change the wording on the first one-
“I laughed, I was snipped.”
-Bschooled
…I just think it might confuse the reader a little.
Anyway, I’ll work on the possessives and give you a shout when Oprah’s people call…keep a bag packed just in case.
Fabulousity!
Hand writing is a lost art. It’s good of you to find it and take it on a day trip. That’s why you’re a humanitarian and I’m soon to be nutless… Ah, life.
I thought confusing the reader was our schtick?
Oh, no, my mistake. It’s prancing ‘til we keel over!
Dancing or Prancing? They were both good reindeer. And reindeer is good eating.
…Sorry for all the confusion. I fractured my skull last night. It’s a big crack that runs down the back of neck. My head feels like a drum. And not a kettle drum.
Anyway, it’s all “confusion, confusion, I got a contusion” over here.
But what can I do when my head’s split in two? Glue it together with a needle and thread? Or swallow a lime and retire to bed?
Anyway, I need to lie down now and channel the frisky misky whisky spirit of Dr. Seuss.
My bag is packed. Hah. An ironic statement, considering what I’m about to go through…
Forgive me, Alan. You were right.
Confusing the reader is most definitely our schtick, but only when the reader isn’t “yours truly” (aka. me). Don’t worry, though, it’s not your fault… I’m the one who forgot to show you the caveat. (I must have left it on my downward spiral)
Anyway, I hope your skull heals. And trust me, take the the lime/retirement combo….it’s what people staying in Vancouver do.
PS. If you see my best friend “D” (pronounced “D”) on Robson Street, tell her that the 80’s called and they want their style back!
(don’t worry, she’ll know what it means)
Thanks bschooled,
Always good to get our schtick thing straightened out. It can be awkward when it’s bent.
I’ll keep an eye out for “D” (pronounced “D”). I did see a nice lady with a tattoo on her face. She did a lot of laughing mixed with screaming – I guess the thought of more rain must be getting to her.
I’m also keeping an eye out for my old friend “Cee Cee” (pronounced “Zsa Zsa”) she wears ballroom gowns and attacks people with her tiara – so she doesn’t really stand out here.
But the valiant search continues.
Alan…I never knew you bowled?
bearman, neither did I…!
I’ll call you tonight. We can talk about it.
Once again I stayed up until 3AM and then couldn’t wait any longer. You need to realize you have to call me at 3AM my time not yours.
It’s just that 3AM my time really works for me.
Okay, so we’ll aim for 4AM your time which is 3AM my time. There we are. It’s all about compromises.
😉
I like the sound of that screenplay… Nice catchy title, did you came up with it by yourself? 😀
That is some weird conversation. Eventhough eavesdropping is rude, you’re forgiven though 😉
Post about your time training staffs at Vancouver! I’m so glad you’re back… Missed reading your posts.
Thanks Anonymously Secret,
I’ll ease of on the eavesdropping. Or I’ll try anyway. 😉
Yes, I thought it up all by myself, I’m pleased to say. It took me 7 years and 200 nights of the dark soul to come up with my screenplay title — but I did it all on my own… Oh, and I had a team of writers by my side. They were my cheering section. A noisy group, but loveable enough…
Now it’s onto work on my screenplay. All I have to do is rewrite Act I, Act II and Act III.
How hard can that be?
Oh my glorious God you’re back!
So Carlita is the new acting manager? I can see a ‘Full Disclosure’ scene coming up real quick here. You are already intimidated by her. A hot, sexy Demi Moore type women, hungry for power, but even hungrier for a little Alpo. You realize that she’s your boss so you become even more uncomfortable, which causes you to um…underperform when the iron is hot. She gets pissed and demotes you to ….say shredder boy/groin mauler. You sue!!!!!!!!!
So glad that you’re back my friend. I had a bit of a lay-off myself.
Hahaha!
Scott,
Always reading ahead!
Thanks, my friend. Yes, I saw that you too enjoyed a sabbatical as well. Good for the soul, I tells ya. Anyway, off to stoke my iron — I don’t want it getting cold.
The offices in Vancouver are nice. I can see the mountains. They intimidate me. Fucking mountains. Tonight after several drinks, I’m gonna get into a fight with them. It’s my schtick. Well, it’s actually bschooled’s schitck, but she can’t be here right now…
My point is, I think I’ll stay away from the shredder. Thanks for the heads up on that, buddy!
This is the worst type of guy ever. Alan, you’re quite famous here, you could definitely use the “ever heard of me?”, “I’m a professional blogger” line. Try it on Carlita, I’m sure she’d find it amusing, might get some extra job benefits *wink-wink*, ha!
I feel sorry for the woman thats going to play the lead role in that Viagra movie…no offense to York.
😆
Ah, sensico,
How you make me chortle. I’ll give it a try on Carlita. I expect disastrous results and much nerking, but you never know…
Oh, you, uh, still owe me several hundred dollars from our date… What a night that was! And that was quite a thing with those ducks, huh? They looked so cute in their tuxedos and little top hats. And boy, could they dance!
You’re at 75 responses already so I guess I’m late to this party, but ALAN, YOU’RE BACK! I was starting to worry about you!
Thanks Shannon,
I was at Sweet Valley for the past six weeks. You wouldn’t believe what’s going on there… (Actually, you probably would! 😉 ) Anyhoo, the twins weren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thought it was all Liz’s fault that everyone thought her boyfriend was a murdering werewolf. I’m not sure this rift between them can ever be settled. They both said a lot of things that they can’t take back. Oh, and here’s the twist. I was the werewolf!
Howwwwwwwl!!!!
I KNEW it was you!
I don’t know why you’re always trying to make the twins fight, but I wish you’d stop. It really makes my job difficult, you know? ‘Cause then there’s all this drama for me to recount and it’s a little exhausting.
Sorry about that, Shannon…
There’s just something about twins fighting that brings out the werewolf in me.
I’ll try and be good in the future.
I’ll try anyway…
😉
I was waiting for the part where she takes a brick from out under her seat and hits him with it…hahahaha….funny post…..zman sends
Cheers, zmanowner!
My guess is airport security took her brick — and her shampoo.
“Product placement for your Viagra”
ROTFLMAO…
That’s the BEST line…
🙂
😀
Thanks, Sally P!
I’m glad de te revoir, monsieur Alan.
Even though we’re a bit far from les joyeux bureaux d’Hamish, c’est bien cool.
take care, à plus,
Milo.
Merci beaucoup, Milo de France…
L’espoir vous êtes bien. All the best to you.
Alan
“In celebration of the 100th comment, please enjoy something truly fucked up.
Shine on, you crazy diamonds! Ram’s in there somewhere.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Ahhh… Brilliant. Simply brilliant. What a find!
There’s more comedy in those 5 minutes and 43 seconds then in most entire seasons of American sitcoms.
I believe I spotted Ram. He was Cowardly Bad Guy #3.
I know she wasn’t, but it sounded like Spider Woman was singing “Do me now, Superman.”
Hahahahaha…
It truly is undescribable. And, by the way, thanks for comment fix. I had no sooner posted than I noticed a momentuous occasion was about to pass, and with me involved, I was damned if I’d let it slip by.
I think they could have ratcheted up the tension by:
1. Less singing.
2. Bad guys that weren’t so damn cowardly.
3. A larger “S.”
Hahaha…
Good point!
I thought the lead actress wearing The Spider Man costume certainly helped to add an interesting sexual tension and dynamic.
And of course, their kissing segments were unlike any I’ve ever seen before. (Was that some darting and snake-like tongue I saw???)
The bad guys were of a cowardly nature unlike any I’ve ever seen (and remember, I’d just seen the kissing segments)… I thought Ram’s craven fraidy-cat performance was Emmy worthy. We must hire him again for “Oh, That Jason!” That is, if we get the green light for a 55th season.
Haha… That first sequence when they land was a stand out moment. (Stand out with a capital S!)
I missed this epic earlier and have just enjoyed (?) it.
Listen up CLATT’s, if we are still making the film about taking on the Scientocultwankers then;
We do not use any of the production team involved in this horror.
We get proper singers and CGT people.
We wear damn good disguises against disclosure.
If not, elpresgod will become dave and bicycle as fast as I can to the nearest leming cliff (not merkin cliff either)
elpresconsideringwhethertobeagodornot.
elpresconsideringwhethertobeagodornot.
I’ve assigned the script to CLT. I know, it was presumptuous of me, but damn that guy’s prolific. He’ll have a first draft tomorrow. I asked him to keep it fresh and zany…. He seemed good with that. That is, after he stopped attacking me. I really think he’s gonna deliver a Scientology screenplay that is fresh – and zany!
😀
Well, the first bit of my research is complete.
Lots of fresh. Lots of “zany.”
Short guys with nice teeth jumping on stuff. More security guards than downtown Salt Lake City.
Here’s what I have so far:
Zany public servant [REDACTED] looks for some meaning in life. Rather than actual meaning, he finds a brand new hole to throw his money down, with his sanity to follow shortly after.
[REDACTED] first meeting with [REDACTED] goes swimmingly, and he is only $400 lighter. Considering this to be a positive sign, [REDACTED] visits [REDACTED] at his summer home in [REDACTED], [REDACTED].
Soon [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] are taking to the streets of [REDACTED], looking for new converts. Their initial foray at the [REDACTED] seems to have garnered a few followers, but [REDACTED] seems to feel that the amount of [REDACTED] is not nearly enough.
They head back to the [REDACTED] gathering a large supply of [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] decorated with children’s cartoon characters.
They pack up the [REDACTED] and head to the [REDACTED] where they catch a [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] wearing little more than a smile.
Now the plot [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] sees [REDACTED] watching for [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] backyard. The fresh holes indicate that [REDACTED] is planning some sort of [REDACTED] in hopes of nipping the rumors in the bud so to speak.
With the [REDACTED] freshly buried, the team gathers [REDACTED] and several essential pieces of gear and proceeds to [REDACTED] Baphomet and [REDACTED] attempts to provoke some [REDACTED] with pages from the Necronomicon.
Just when everything seems to be falling apart, salvation arrives in the form of [REDACTED]. With split-second timing [REDACTED] aims [REDACTED] [REDACTED] for [REDACTED] thus causing [REDACTED] which brings [REDACTED] [REDACTED] safely home and $20,000 richer.
[That’s what I have so far. Have Edna Morton look this over to make sure I haven’t forgotten to redact something.]
CLT: Here are the notes from the broadcaster…
We’re juiced. It’s fresh and zany. Please make the following changes. (notes in bold)
Zany public servant looks for some meaning in life. Rather than actual meaning, he finds a brand new hole to throw his money down, with his sanity to follow shortly after.
[SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] first meeting with [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] goes swimmingly, and he is only $400 lighter. Considering this to be a positive sign, [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] visits [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] at his summer home in [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE], [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE].
Soon [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] and [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] are taking to the streets of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE], looking for new converts. Their initial foray at the [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] seems to have garnered a few followers, but [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] seems to feel that the amount of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] is not nearly enough.
They head back to the [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] gathering a large supply of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] and [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] decorated with children’s cartoon characters.
They pack up the [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] and head to the [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] where they catch a [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] wearing little more than a smile.
Now the plot [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE]. [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] sees [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] watching for [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] in [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] backyard. The fresh holes indicate that [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] is planning some sort of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] in hopes of nipping the rumors in the bud so to speak.
With the [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] freshly buried, the team gathers [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] and several essential pieces of gear and proceeds to [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] Baphomet and [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] attempts to provoke some [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] with pages from the Necronomicon.
Just when everything seems to be falling apart, salvation arrives in the form of [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE]. With split-second timing [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] aims [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] for [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] thus causing [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] which brings [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE] safely home and $20,000 richer.
PS: Fire Edna Morton. Hire her sexy younger sister, Squeaky.
Hahahaha!!!
Brilliant!
Addendum: change half the references to [AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN]. Doesn’t matter which half.
And try to juice up the car chase. As it stands, it looks like stock footage from the 1923 Automocar Rally.
Addendum to addendum: You will NOT have an increase in budget for these changes.
HA!
Great note.
From this point on it writes itself. And what a relief that is.
Haha!
Indeed.
OK, I’m still on board!
But how will the viewers be able to tell all the redacted’s apart. Do they carry labels? I’m redacted 1, from planet zog etc
Hopefully once it writes itself, it’ll get all those details sorted out.
😉
I’m particularly fond of any of the “flying” moments, which the actors portray level-headedly by keeping both feet on the nearly invisible ground.
I’m still really tender from the first 54 seasons of the show, and Claire’s bottle swinging isn’t helping. I would love a break from the grueling schedule as well, but Ram’s a monster and loves nothing more than a grueling schedule.
He’s the money-maker. We’re just along for the title cards.
Well said.
That’s why you’ll be show runner and story editor for season 55. It’s tough, grueling and thankless work, but someone (namely you) has got to do it.
Oh, the producers need 26 story ideas by tomorrow. They’re looking for fresh and edgy. I know, I know… They’re such a bunch of cunts.
Those fuckers.
I’ll give them 13 and they rearrange the names. It’ll be like Mad Libs meets Mad Men.
“[First Name] takes a vacation with the family. They head to [place name] for some [noun] and run into their old [noun], who has taken a job with an advertising agency.
Faster than you can say [noun], the family is at the studio, preparing to shoot a commerical for [noun], the [possessive noun]’s [adjective] incontinence control device.
Hilarity [verb] as the family blows [noun] after [noun] and drives their old friend [name] to briefly consider suicide by [verb.]”
… give them 13 and then rearrange the names…
[The wrong way gives the producers too much credit.]
Agreed.
!2 to go…
Jason’s weird uncle, Grampa Cake, takes a vacation with the family. They head to his haunted house in the Muskokas for some wacky ghost busting and satanic rituals. That’s when Uncle Grampa Cake runs into his old girlfriend, Tilda the bearded lady, who has taken a job with an advertising agency.
Faster than you can say floccinaucinihilipilification, the family is at the studio, preparing to shoot a commercial for exorcizing stationary bikes, the unholy bastard’s incontinence control device.
Hilarity dies as the family blows chunks after a grueling exorcism that drives Grampa’s old friend Tilda, to briefly consider suicide by fever, intense rashes, colon pains, foot drop, inflammation of the abdomen, putrefaction of the genitals, worms, convulsions, and time traveling Roman savages.
Time for bed guys…
It’s a hell of a bedtime story.
The truly hell of a well made bedtime story must include Bollywood, flying moments, and putrefaction of the genitals.
According to know it all Robert McKee…
Joe Eszterhas is on line two, begging to differ.
Hahahaha! That’s so like him.
I suggest we tell him to go fuck himself on a strip pole.
He’s agreed to do it. He just needs four cameras for coverage and a crane shot.
He’s also requested “Another Thing Coming” by Judas Priest as “his” song.
What a cunt.
Hahaha…
It’s true, he really is. And, what a crane shot that will be. If there’s any justice in the world, this should finally put an end to his pole fucking career..
Hey guys? Didn’t Jason die like 20 years ago in the barfight with the drunk monkey, the dirty merkin and the nerking barmaid?
I think you’re mixing that up with the old classic joke: A drunk monkey, dirty merkin and a nerking barmaid walk into an AA Meeting…
CLT, that video is better than Christmas, Hanukkah and the end of Ramadan combined.
And it took me to my “happy-place” more times than you could shake a Bollywood schtick at.
Good old Chriskkahmadan. My favorite of all the holy days.
Quite the celebration. We put Madonna on the stereo and dance around like holy fools. We then ask her to get down and make some drinks or something. She obliges in her inimitable way, which means donning her henna tattoos and British accent, an accent she finds inimitable.
This is followed up by a quick trip to the “Happy Place Bowl of Luck Chinese Restaurant and House of Russian Roulette.” They’re always happy to see us and often give us extra bullets for free. Bonus rounds for the bonus round in which you only have to guess which chamber is empty.
This kind of a night leads to overdramatic statements like, “I go out with my friends and end up drinking alone.” We scrawl these into our “Chester Bennington Book o’ Sadness and Poetry” diaries and collapse on the unmade bed, which is surely a metaphor for something. Possibly our souls. Or our lives.
We’re unbearable.
Alan, darling,
Pause for a bit of wisdom here. I realize that Mike has grandiose visions of fame and glory in the world of the motion picture, or even the theater. But, here, you, Alan, are the big fish in the little pond.
Perhaps it’s time for you to stand up to the pen! Demand YOUR blog time! Stand firm (no Viagra pun intended here)!
And, we love you, Alan – not too shabby kiddo…
Thanks Sally…
Mike does?
He never mentioned it to me.
https://sickdays.wordpress.com/category/staff-mike/
All he wants to do is hang out at Strippy McNudes. He’s a simple man with simple goals.
Of course he doesn’t tell you, Alan. He needs you for his blog. Once he makes it big, you will become our memory…
Okay, Mike IS talented, but we love YOU, the simple work-a-day guy…
Watch your back, is all I’m saying here, Alan…
We’ve ALL missed you and the everyday office gossip – but Mike doesn’t even care.
Take care little buddy. 🙂
Will do Skipper!
You slay me, Sally P! I’ll watch my back. It makes me turn around in circles and then I get dizzy, but what the Hell…
Thanks, my friend — and have a great weekend.
Tee hee. Eavesdropping is a wonderful, cost-free pastime for me while commuting on the train.
And by “eavesdropping” I mean: listening to obnoxious people who are bellowing into their cell phones, while totally oblivious to MY napping needs.
I once heard some guy talking about all his disgusting health issues, flatulence, acid reflux, and diarrhea (which is hard enough to spell, much worse picture in my head).
Haha!
Marissa! Great to flouncing see you. I was glad to read you’d be coming back in November. Such good news!
FYI: The vagina themed fun park you helped develop (Box Land) is thriving. Booming, actually. The Vulva Coaster. The Uterus Wheel. The Log Clitoris. The Bumper Vaginas – they’re all doing boffo business.
Anyway, lots of time to catch up once you’re back. Then we can talk, really talk, about developing some sort of new line of flounce fashion… Another day.
Now onto this disgusting guy: I’d hate to think what happened if his triple threat of flatulence, acid reflux, and diarrhea all went down at the same time – on the train. So, I’m gonna try not to. 😉
Speaking of the train: One of my favorite episodes of your train travels was your adventures with Little Miss Tyrant http://whahappen.com/2009/04/22/nothing-like-a-little-morning-exorcism/
SHE GOT TO MEET THE PETE FRESSNER!!!!!
Haha! I know! And she didn’t seem to care. The poor deluded creature. He’s a professional bowler for Christ’s sake.
For some reason my emails show lots of comments that I can’t see above.
Any ideas folks?
elpresnotbrillattechnocrapstuff
Much like life, it’s a mystery to me, el pres.
I don’t think the conversation was strange. What I do find strange is that you didn’t punch the “man” to get the easy in with the “woman”. It’s a little known fact that you have a 97% better chance of having random sex in an airport than a bar, (or other casual scene).
Hah!
That’s why they’re renaming them sexports.
Nice to see you, RR!
In which CLT posits that Fressner was bald as a somewhat lengthy and pointless introduction to a musical interlude by Mssr. David Lowery’s Camper Van Beethoven, with their outstanding singalong “Take the Skinheads Bowling,” a song which celebrates racial harmony, bowling and coming home for lunch, roughly in that order:
An all time fave. Saw Cracker recently. Great live band. I kept shouting out “Play Sweet Potato”
Heard “Sunrise in the Land of Milk and Honey”?
It’s real good. Here’s the first single.
Have not heard it, Alan. It does sound good.
Were you hassled by security for your constant yelling, or did they oblige by tossing a couple of chords from it in your general direction?
P.S. I have heard Ministry’s “Land of Rape and Honey.” But that’s not even remotely close, is it?
Security were mostly nonexistent. The best kind. Unfortunately no general Sweet Potato chords were thrown in my direction. But they did play “Take The Skinheads Bowling” and “Eurotrash Girl”
Hah, yes, not even remotely close.
But the unlikely comparison did inspire me listen to the Ministry song. And from there I was off to Killing Joke’s “Land of Milk and Honey”
Now those two are a bit more closely related. 😉
Yeah, I would imagine security at a Cracker concert might be pretty lax. They probably thought, “What’s the worst they could do? Get in a fight with Sandra Bernhardt?”
Oddly enough, heard Killing Joke’s “Millennium” on the way home, speaking of synchronicity.
But enough about Sting and his bizarre and self-important sexual habits.
I recall the most closely related work between the two bands as being Murder, Inc., who had one passable album with one standout track: Mania.
I believe Pigface has featured some rather incestuous interwining as well.
Sick Days: From office humor to incest references, it’s all here. The finest comment threads in the business.
And I was listening to Rusted Guns by Art Brut while lying on my basement floor today (true story). Okay, the connection is now tenuous, but my point is this: amen on enough about Sting and his bizarre and self-important sexual habits.
Thanks for the nifty tagline. The t-shirts are getting made. I think they should scare the children. And that’s what I’m looking for a in a t-shirt.
Hi Alan,
Cough, sneeze, moan, cough again…
I am sick.
I’ve barely been snorting, and have not been yearning for any corn slop – so, think I’ve missed the Swine flu bullet. Still, I am feeling poorly…
Years gone by, I would have taken the two aspirin and gone to bed – but nowadays, I tend to think the more exotic…
Just checking in,
Sally P
Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well, Sally P.
Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest and lots of fluids.
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Your pal,
Alan
Now listen here Truitt…
I’m getting fed up with delays, delays…
Where are de cigarettes afterwards, de cigarettes afterwards…?
I understand your concern, NobblySan
But it’s really all your fault. You tossed York Mills out of your house and he wound up living with me. Granted, I cast him in “Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!” but only because Don rejected the screenplay and I felt I had to do something to help keep the old halfwit amused and busy.
So, to keep the funding for the film progressing, I’ve had to hoof it out to Vancouver in order to pay my bills and find cheap actors (I’ve cast all the sales staff trainees as Morlock Chicks – even the guys… Look out Ed Wood, here I come!)
As for de cigarettes… That halfwit York ate them. And the ones he didn’t he eat, he stuck up his nose.
You sure you don’t miss him? I can send him back. No COD this time. Promise.
Ed Wood?
Is he the same Ed Wood of dodgy joke fame:-
What do you call a bloke with a wooden head? – Edward
What do you call a bloke with three wooden heads?- Edward Woodward
Do you know what to call a bloke with four wooden heads? – No, but Edward Woodward would.
…sorry.
Hah!
Don’t be.
Who knew there was so much comic timber in the name Ed Wood?
The Ed Wood I was thinking of gave us this cinematic masterpiece (which, I should add, appears to be about 10 steps above “Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”
Pure class.
It knocks seven shades of shit out of anything with Ben Stiller in it.
HA!
Nice. Indeed it does. Indeed it does….
I’m amazed that at no time did she say, “I have mace.”
Those fellows from Airport Security likely took it from her — and were using it as deodorant.
We miss you Alan 😦
Aww, thank you, Archie. I miss you too. Wonderful to hear from you. Hope all is wonderful.
Where, pray tell, can a person find more of your fiendishly clever creations? I followed a few of your offshoots, and even contributed a story about my encounter with a misbehaving Jean-Luc Godard in one of them, yet sadly your blogs seemed to wither and die. “Sick Days” is beyond brilliant. Hopefully you’re making pots of cash working as a professional scribe.
Of course I’ll probably forget to check this post, so why the heck am I even asking you? Please let me/your-devoted-readers know.
Thanks kindly,
Gail
Why thank you, Gail. I’ve been sitting here patiently waiting for a comment like this and it has finally arrived. Bless your cotton socks for that.
I was sorry I missed your Jean-Luc Godard comment. Was that left over at “The Problem With Young People Today”? “Food Here” or “Post It Notes from My Idiot Boss”? The deal with this site, when we started (that would be me and my brother) was to try and get a book deal. We came close. But… Then other opportunities arose… As well as a few more blogs and another potential book deal that went nowhere.
But if you are looking for more stuff, I do post (a bit more occasionally these days) at http://mikethewriterguy.com/ So please feel free to drop by and share your Godard tale there, should you be so inclined. I am doing the professional scribe thing, writing mostly for TV these days.
Once again, thanks for the kind words.