I’m starting to get freaked by Farook.
I really think he’s losing it.
It’s a shame. I had Otto in the “first to lose it” pool.
He’s the new fixture in my horse stall. Always rambling, ranting and tenting his hands.
Farook from Accounting walks into my cube…
Farook: Are you busy?
Me: Very, I’ve got this report that I–
Farook: It’s not true.
Me: Sorry?
Farook: (whispers dramatically) I work!!!
Me: Yes. At Hamish Industries…
Farook: That’s right! I’ll need it in writing.
Me: Need what?
Farook: Things haven’t being going well. The practical jokes failed… And when I brought my dogs to work… A mistake… They mauled Carlita’s groin… Remember?
Me: It’s hard to forget.
Farook: And then there’s the office lottery pool money.
Me: What about it?
Farook: Nothing! I have friends in management. As well as noobs like you. First one in, last one out. Right?
Me: I think it’s last one–
Farook: I work! I know that I sometimes fall asleep. But only because I get drowsy.
Me: Okay, Farook.
Farook: The problem is Carlita. I know you lust after her–
Me: Huh? Me? Nump! Nerk! No I don’t! Who said that?
Farook: She’s had it out for me long before the groin maul. Now she’s telling management that I’m not doing my job. That I don’t work. I work! I run the office lottery. You’ve seen me work. Yes?
Me: Well, actually, and I don’t care, but, no–
Farook: I need dirt on Carlita. But that might be hard. You can help. You need to seduce her!
Me: What? Farook! Hah! That’s crazy! Anyway… How would I do that?
Farook: Good. You’re on my side. We’re in this together.
Farook suddenly leaves. It’s over. For now.
WOWSERS! Farook sounds like hes in trouble! But if you like Carlita and Carlita likes you, maybe hes right?
Go for it Alan! you can do it! HOORAY!
Bob
Thanks Bob,
And, of course, thank goodness you’re here.
I was sorry to hear about your latest audition, Bob. And, alack (alack?), I’m afraid to say Carlita views me as something a rabid monkey would dig out of its anus (sorry, I sort of semi-swore, Bob). So, alack (hmmm, another alack) ’tis (’tis???) not meant to be.
Ah well, your optimistic spirit makes me feel effervescently buoyant, Bob, and for that I thank you, as always.
Good to see you, Bob. Remember to brush with “Grillo!”
LOSTL! Monkey bum! oh alan, you’re far too much of a good guy to be viewed like that by Carlita. Im sure shes just hiding her feelings!
I like Grillo. It tastes kind of funny though, so i might stick with something else!
Always be happy, Alan. You totally deserve it!
Bob
Why thank you, Bob!
And thank goodness you’re here (of course).
You never know, Carlita may come around. I just need to remain positive, like you always do. I appreciate your eternal rays of optimism. You’re a paragon of pep, Bob. A paragon of pep.
Your friend,
Alan
Damn nearly the first comment, but not quite, some of you good people have insomnia that needs treatment…
Me thinks that Farook is retaining some dark secret to justify his paranoia. He knows of ‘alleged’ misdeeds at Hamish that Mildred also was privvy to; she got the heaveho, Farook is afeared for his financial future. What could it be? What perversion of sexual behaviour has not already been explored at Hamish?
GOT IT, the dogs are actually human/animal hybrids, created by… leave that to imaginations perhaps.
dave
Hah! That’s a lot to mull over, Dave!
We definitely haven’t seen any human/hybrids created by… hybrid/humans?
But the hybrid/humans (aka: Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria) certainly had a special fondness for Carlita’s neither regions, which, I’m sure, according to the folks at wikipedia is what human/hybrids have a special fondness for. That, and, I suspect, biscuits and wet food.
It’s not a nefarious plan for world domination, but I may have something here!
I’m seeing a Nick Perry ‘Triple Six Fix!’ In my neighborhood he was a local hero! We were all at least part Italian after all.
Anywho, what I propose is this;
1- Convince Carlita to play the office lottery.
2- Convince Farook to fix the lottery. Three times.
After Carlita wins the first time she will be jubilant and have you to thank. Then after YOU win you’ll have the money to take her to TGIF almost every night! –Not that you need to win the lottery to eat at those ridiculously cheap prices! Carlita will be pleased with you and you can convince her to let the whole Farook thing go. Now Farook is off the hook, but doesn’t know it yet. You explain that he has to fix the lottery one more time to ensure cooperation! You can decide who wins. Whoever else you may want in your pocket. This time you make sure to get the act recorded by security camera. You keep the tape! Now you can blackmail Farook, and keep the little guy in line for your future antics! Farook keeps his job! Carlita wins the lottery! You win the lottery! You have Farook and one more person in your pocket! You get Carlita! And everybody gets TGIF!
Shit; that may have been a little bit nefarious.
Or you could just let this crazy cast of characters sort themselves out!
Brilliant. Though I’d aim for something slightly more upscale than TGIF.. How about Topeka Steakhouse? something about big slabs of meat might really appeal to Carlita.
Blackmailing is nice touch.
Thanks delicate flower!! I don’t know the last time you’ve had the pleasure of dining at TGIF, but I do assure you that you can not achieve a more upscale dining experience. And it’s so fun and relaxed!! Michelin awards are for tires.
Ha!
Topeka Steakhouse! Isn’t that home of the Cheesy Garlic Tumbleweed Fried Mushroom Potato Hopper Boxcar Trio of the Buffalo’d Shrimp Spinach Cheese Pot 86 Ounce Steak in their famous Topeka’s Tulip Petals dipping sauce?
I’ll take a gross.
wow, sounds yummy and I have no dinner plans for tonight!!
I just booked you and Joe a table for 5pm.
I know, 5pm is an ungodly dining hour, but bear in mind, it will take 9 hours to eat the entire meal.
PS. A head’s up: avoid the Topeka Steakhouse washrooms at all costs.
And if you can’t avoid them remember not to take a wide stance unless, of course, that’s your thing.
Hahaha!
Now that’s sound public washroom advice. Someone ought to write a book.
Personally, I’m more of a “wide tie” guy as opposed to a “wide stance” guy.
Of course it’s nefarious, Scott.
Your brilliantly intricate schemes always end up in the place called nefariousity – sure nefariousity isn’t a word or a place, for that matter, but I suspect a nefarious dude like you can change that. I can see you taking the English language out to TGIF for brunch, slipping it a mickey and then when it’s nice and woozy, you pounce (in a nefarious fashion, of course) and get it to add the word “nefariousity” into its already rich canon of big fancy schmancy words.
Could you do me a favour? While you’re adding the word “nefariousity” to our ever growing language, could you please get the English to also include the following “new and fun” words…
Gloopstache
Spunkaphobia
Koomahoolawallagitcheeianawackapoo
krooplor
kulp
oileisint
Much appreciated! Talk to you real kroopler. Oh, and have a nice oileisint!
Alan
Now you’ve gotten all nefarious on me too. If this keeps multiplying it will end up as nefarousity. It’s a great plan and I will get to work on it immediately! I’ll get a sit-down with the consigliore of the Webster family. Those guys have the whole North American langauge racket locked up. They may want a small cut of the lottery scam but we’ll work something out! Those other words will be no problem to get in. BTW- I think I may have spunkaphobia due to a bizarre tapioca mix up when I was younger.
One last thing; I can’t wrap my little tiny brain around the title to this post. I keep thinking it will come to me but it just won’t. I have to be missing a reference somewhere in the reference catalog. If you have the time and patience will you explain “Meanwhile back in Farook..?”
Hahahaha…
Would it be an act of nefariousity to leave you hanging?
Truth be told, I just thought it was better than the alternative titles I had in mind, which included:
-Holy ape shit! Farook’s gone battier than bat shit!
-Holy bat shit! Farook’s gone wackier than ape shit!
-Jesus krooplor! Farooks out of his flouncing merkin!
-Oh kulp! Nerking Farook’s wigged out of his jiggy whoop
-Oh my oileisint! Farook’s gone totally spunktoid!
-Hide the children! Farook’s fucked!
“Jesus krooplor! Farooks out of his flouncing merkin!”
Astounding verbal fluency and wordsmithing, brilliant my boy!
BTW, any photos of the merking flouncing?
dave
You and Scott should take your show on the road. I’d pay to see it. Come get me first.
😉
I’ll bring the ladybugs!
Don’t worry, you have more humor in your alternative titles than most people have in their regular blogs. Hilarious!
I was able to get a sit down with the Webster family consigliore, his name is something Merriam. They want to meet at the TGIF in south Jersey though. I may be screwed. I was hoping to maybe bring Otto along …just in case. Anyway if you don’t hear back from me, send in the merkin nerkers…
Haha…
Okay, I’ll make Otto my wing-man. And may sweet Jesus have merkin on my soul.
Meanwhile back in Farook
Oh Alan ignore the advice in my last comment above I see you do enjoy at least the occasional wide stance
Hah!
I experimented with a lot of things in University, but I don’t recall Farooks being one of them…
But then again, my memories of my University days are essentially one foggy blur…
I am more of a Fung and Wagnalls man myself.
I used to sell Fung and Wagnalls door to door! I wonder if we’ve met. I was the guy outside the door selling Fung and Wagnalls.
Translation for the confused.
FunK and Wagnalls were/ are a New York based publisher esp of reference books; Brits, think of Encyclopaedia Brittanica…
dave
Translation to make things even more confusing…
Funky Lyle Waggoner has nothing to do with Funk & Wagnalls, but it’s about time someone mentioned Funky Lyle Waggoner.
Do you mean Hunky or Funky Lyle Waggoner?
dave
Hah, ah, el Presidente…
Hunky or Funky, or Junk in the Trunky…
For more convo on trunk junk…
http://justmakingconvo.com/
And now to quote you 8 hours ago “Night night to one and all!”
Nearer 12 than 8, so be off to the land of nod for carlita shaped dreams…
dave
haha I typed Fung.
I’ve never heard of Funk and Wagnalls, but I have heard of Encyclopedia Brittanica!
Funk and Wagnalls were a funk group from the city of Wagnalls…
Unless I’ve been fed disinformation.
Always a possibility.
We can only add those words if you provide definitions for them.
Ha!
Thanks, Claire! 😉
Gloopstache – a moustache covered in gloop.
Spunkaphobia – Fear of getting an eyeful.
Koomahoolawallagitcheeianawackapoo – (Onomatope) Sort of like Tarzan’s “ungawa” but not quite as poetic or territorial.
krooplor – (slang) later. Eg: “Talk to you kroopler, dude.”
kulp – an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
oileisint — a person who kills a king or is responsible for his death, esp. one of the judges who condemned Charles I of England to death.
You’re a genius. That’s all I got to say.
… that and… kroopler, dude!
Thanks!
And kroopler to you too, dude. 😉
wake up Alan! It’s all a bad dream. And you’re going to get a crick in your neck from sleeping at your desk
Hah! Wha? Who said that…?
That was weird….
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
You can dooo it!
Maybe Farook is secretly the master of seduction and he can help you get with Carlita, with his James bondesque charm and wit and them eyes that can melt a girls heart.
Or he’ll ambush her with chloroform.
Come to think of it, being Farook its probably the latter…..
Hah! me (hah, again!),
This is an odd coincidence but last week Farook asked me if I thought there was a market to write a book on “How To Make Friends and Influence People Using Chloroform”
Yesterday he told me that “A boy’s best friend is his chloroform.”
And just five minutes ago he said, “I am the master of seduction and king of the bug filled world. Ha! I see England, I see France. I see Carlita’s underpants! I just can’t find my chloroform…”
Yep, his merkin has flounced, reach for the small syringe with the big needle and medium quantity of knockout juice (I always prefered clopixol acuphase, stop an elephant in rut that stuff).
dave
Dave,
Thanks for the head’s up on clopixol acuphase; the office is overrun with elephants and the mousetraps are proving sorely ineffective
Yikes! How are you going to get out of this one?
I hear you on the “Yikes” and raise you a “Agghhhh!”
😉
I think I’ll just let Farook wig out. It’s kind of like “bleed out” only instead of removing condensed water from a receiver area of a pneumatic system, you stand around and watch a guy go completely off his rocker.
I hear a little too much pleasure in this…letting Farook wig out. It’s like craning your neck at an accident. 🙂
Say, you’re right, Pamela.
Yikes! I may have some sort of ghost of Freud death drive/wig out Todestrieb thing going on for Farook.
I’ll need to self medicate. Stat!
😉
just go with it~ although this can’t be good
Hah! Will do, Lynn.
I’d ask Mr. York Mills for advice but I supect that all he’d tell me is “Hee hee…”
That loveable old half wit.
Hee hee…
HAhahaah!
I can’t wait to see how this turns out Al. You work situation is becoming more epic than the bible! Now torn between the commitment of Farook’s friendship & the blistering heat of Carlita’s love, you Al must decide what path to walk. Will you choose honor & a friends trust, or will you give in to your carnal desires? Du dun Duuuuu(epic music)uuuuu!!!
Hahahaha!
“more epic than the bible” I like that.
-More epic than the bible but without any wise men
-More epic than the bible yet lacking Charlton Heston as Moses
-More epic than the bible but with no dudes named Ezra or Nehemiah
-More epic than the bible and also with 929 chapters of Old Testament good times
-More epic than the bible and with a plague of frogs coming soon!
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yes. Choosing between Farook’s friendship and the blistering heat of my carnal desires for Carlita. Let me think on this…
Carnal Desires! Carnal Desires! Carnal Desires! Carnal Desires! Carnal Desires!
Carnal Desires!
I knew you’d make the right choice Al.
Thanks,
I truly wish I could say the decission making process was epic, but it was easy peasy.
Not really an epic, per se. More paperweight than book actually.
Can be removed from its desktop position or from the door with the faulty hinges that always blows shut if you don’t prop it open whenever proper decorum would dictate.
Perhaps at the wake of an old friend, or to cover up the porn stash in the dorm room sock drawer when mom and dad come to visit.
Maybe you have houseguests who won’t leave, or you wish to beat the Jehovah’s Witnesses at their own game and answer the door carrying a weighty tome of your own.
An epic amount of uses for the Bible. No wonder it’s the best-selling book in the world, having topped the New York Times Historical Fiction charts a record 1400 years in a row.
Hah!
Thanks for weighing in. Was hoping you would. I figured you’d add something epically insightful and hilarious.
Way to deliver!
(As always, I might add.)
Carnal desires? You mean Carlita desires? Carnal Carlita desires?
Ooooh!
Carnal Carlita!
I can Cc that.
(PS. Please don’t ask me what this means, Claire. I honestly have no idea. I just liked the way it rolled off my tongue… Or fingers, that is.)
CC is good. It just seems so familiar… I like the way it rolls off my fingers too. Maybe I’ll figure it out.
Oh, yeah!
There’s the connection!
Hah!
😉
I knew you’d catch on quick.
Hee hee…
Alan,
You do realize that it took you a LOT longer to catch on than it took York, right?
You’ve been bested by a man 3 times your age.
What can I say, but…
Hee hee…
😆
😉
Wow, Farook’s really gone of the deep end, eh?
Splash!
Yes, he really has. His eye twitch is both compelling and horrifying to watch. It’s the car crash of eye twitches.
He needs at least six weeks of R&R at Sweet Valley. I wonder if any of the girls there would date him…?
I know of at least one girl who would date him so she could help him through this difficult time he’s having, and at least one who would date him because he’s an older man with a job. So, sure! Send him on over.
Hahaha!
He’s on his way? Is it Enid?
Since you ARE dogs….just go ahead and hump her and continue marking your territory all around Hamish.
Hahaha. Howl!!!!!!
Okay, I will. Also, thanks for leaving a dish on the floor for me when I visit your blog. It’s those little touches that are really appreciated.
😉
You’re such a cute pooch…..who could resist? Here….let me scratch behind your ear. 😉
Awww, thanks!
Next to kibble, ear scratches are my favourite thing!
😆
I just came over to remind you that I had to remove you from next week’s appointments after that phone call. I will be busy with other patients for a bit.
I wish you luck with this Carlita person. It might do you some good to have a tryst, but I think your game will need serious work before you can pull it off. If you need some extra practice with your presentation, I might be able to squeeze you in after hours. But it will cost you.
“Squeeze me in”
Hmmm… Interesting… Fascinating… Go on…
Thank you Freud,
You can imagine how surprised I was when you called me at 3am.
And your confessions of counter transference… Wow! (Although I didn’t understand the parts spoken in German!) But the parts about Oedipussy and macrocosmic castration and the symbolic link between them! Whoa! Steamy stuff, Freud. Saucier than Serbian bean soup
Anyway, I think I have some time for you next week. I’m not sure how you got my phone number, but feel free to call any time. I’ll just add our phone chats on to your bill.
Oh, and, this is a bit awkward, but once again, your cheque bounced.
And what’s happened to your hyperlink, Freud? This is all very concerning. Ah well, like I always tell my patients, backsliding is part of the process
Wasn’t the last one Ghost of Freud?
I’m starting to think these Freud guys are impostors….
Hahaha… There are many who would also tag “Freud guys” as imposters too.
But truth be told, I’m trying to save this poor psychologically challenged slipperyfreudian.
I’m experiencing resistance but I sense a breakthrough… In about 10 years.
I think Farook may be on to something, Alan. This could be the perfect opportunity for you to help out a fellow co-worker, while at the same time getting in there with the object of your somewhat blasé desire.
Unfortunately it seems as though your current convo around Carlita is awkward and mildly-inappropriate. However, since my other-other middle name is “seduction” (B Airy Crustacean Seduction Schooled–Ha! say that three times fast!), I thought I would help out by providing you with some pick-up lines that might work.
Your Anne Klein double-weave womens pant suit would look great in a crumpled heap on my cubicle floor
It’s your lucky day. Out of the four broads in the office I picked you to talk to
As a matter of fact that’s not a Swingline-brand Stapler in my pocket
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living? …oh, right, nevermind…
Damn girl, you have more curves than my ergonomically-correct chair!
Can I buy you a ‘double-tall-non-fat-half-caf-skinny-frap-knick-knack paddy-whack vanilla-latte-no-foam-with-extra-chocolate-sprinkles’ or do you just want the money?
You must be related to Farook because your body is on fi-ah!
Do you work for a Company that manufactures windows? Because I can see myself in those pants (FYI I have no idea what this one means)
I want to show you my Process Implementation Plan…and when I say process I mean penis
If nerking in your presence is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right
You put the ham dust in…
Let me know how it goes….
These are super duper special, B Airy Crustacean Seduction Schooled.
I’m talking Hallmark special. That’s’ why I incorporated them into a Hallmark Poetry Card. The theme is “Getting Into Her Office Pant Suit”
Boys are from Mars, and girls are from Venus
It’s time for you to process my penis
Do it here under the fluorescent light
If nerking is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right
Farook, Farook, they say he’s on fi-ah over there
But I only have eyes for your curvaceous chair
Out of the four broads in the office I picked you to talk to
So be a doll and take the stapler from my pocket, would you?
Oh my dear office companion, shall we dance?
And I will see my reflection in your pants
They’d look great crumpled on my cubicle floor
You’re sexy for a living and so much more
Let’s share a double-tall-non-fat-half-caf-skinny-frap-knick-knack paddy-whack vanilla-latte-no-foam-with-extra-chocolate-sprinkles’ or do you just want the money?
No, I meant nothing like that, I was just being funny
You put the ham dust in…
You put the ham dust out…
You move it all around
And shake it all about
You do the Hamish Ham Dust
That’s what it’s all about!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Alan…you put the ‘poet’ in Poet-Type Guy.
I do think this might be more of a Blue Mountain style card, though, don’t you? I mean, not like the kind you get from your Grandmother where you start reading the front, then get into the second paragraph where your mind starts to wander off and you wonder whether or not it would be rude to pretend you read it so you can see if there’s any cash inside and decide it would be rude so you power through only to get to the third paragraph where you start thinking about the social rejects who actually come up with this sappy shit anyway and finally get to the tenth chapter where you want to stick a fork in your eyes but you wait it out only to discover your cheap-ass Grandma stuck a stupid five-dollar Starbucks gift card inside and you want to yell at her because you can’t even get the knick-knack-paddy-whack let alone the rest of the drink for five bucks anymore…
Not that kind of card, Alan. The other kind.
Thanks bschooled,
And you put the “lar” in “B Airy Crustacean Hilarious Seduction Schooled”
My 15 grandmothers are always sending me cards like that. So true, these cards go off on crazier tangents than a room full of grannies…
Grannies: They make it hard to love ‘em sometimes, don’t they?
I think you’re right on Blue Mountain. Those fiends at Hallmark will only break your heart anyway and own your soul for perpetuity.
Damn Hallmark fiends.
But back to the grannies (it always comes back to them, doesn’t it?)… Check out this one from my Granny Charlotte “Edelweiss” Truitt…
Apparently, I’m her favorite nephew.
My little funny bunny
Had a pot of magic honey
Sunny funny
Honey bunny
Yummy tummy
I went to see my funny bunny
And get a basket of kissy wissies
And heart shaped hugs
And a refill of prescription drugs
On my way to kissy town
I thought of you
My favourite nephew
And like a clown
I smirked and giggled
And had a laugh
I hope you remembered
To take a bath
On my way to hugs and smiles
I traveled for so many miles
To get a kissy poo from you
My kissy wissy sweet nephew…
It goes on for another 346 lines, there’s a lot more kissy wissy and huggy wuggy, but you get the idea. And the payoff. A shiny Canadian loonie!
Seems about right…
Uh, Alan….
That was the same card my Uncle sent me.
(You know, the Uncle that I told you about that wore the tall tubular hat with the tassle and drove around in a miniature red car with a brotherhood of men dedicated to fun and fellowship who enjoy parades, dances, dinners and sporting events who I thought could be Kiwanis because I heard music playing but then changed my mind because there is no way Kiwanis could be that creepy and I don’t think being a Freemason is a pre-requisite for them but I could be wrong since I don’t get out much)
The only difference is he used the word “neice”, and he said I hope you haven’t yet taken a bath.
…I need to go get some fresh air.
Woot!
Say hi to your Uncle.
Tell him to look out for Shriners. It’s only a matter of time until the Shriners/Kiwanis gang war goes down!
To quote from somewhere,
“Oh kulp! Nerking Farook’s wigged out of his jiggy whoop”
This sequence of badinage is another truly sicky special.
dave
😉
Hi Alan,
Well, EVERYONE knows you have the hots for Carlita, like, dah?? (It would really help cut down on the rumors if you would only remember to wipe the drool off the corners of your mouth when she walks by, you know?) But I digress.
Could Farook feel you are encroaching on his territory, and was, “feeling” you out about Carlita? You’ve not mentioned how he REALLY feels about the office nymph?
But, the REAL question dejour is: What the Hell does, “Noobs like you” mean? Did he actually say, “Boobs,” and you transposed letters or misspelled a word here? Is this some “new” word of whose meaning I am not familiar? I mean, that’s MY real concern today…
Sally P 😕
PS: Don’t worry about Farook, he’s probably just experiencing a touch of office paranoia – happens to everyone now and again…
I know the answer, (for once) but I’ll let alan tell you as it is his blog!
dave
Haha…
Not sure if mine is any good, Dave.
Feel free to jump in at any point. 😉
Ahhh come on, Dave,
Here I thought you were my buddy…
You must be a kid and know all these new catch phrases…
Sally P 😦
Ahhh, come on, Dave,
Here I thought you were my buddy…
You must be a kid and know all these new catch phrases…
Sally P 😦
Just wish I was a kid again, last experienced being one somut like 40 years ago!
I just have wiki permanently open on my PC with a large bag of throwing salt for use prn.
dave
Hah!
Sally…
“Noobs” is the nontraditional spelling of “newbs” it was strategically placed in order to see if the Ghost of Freud would pounce. (Yeah, yeah, that’s it.)
But GoF missed it. I’m starting to worry her. I think she needs to get more sleep. And then tell me about her dreams.
As for Farook, I don’t know. He seems more unhinged than usual. And that’s saying something…
Well the poor old slepp deprived boss got it ‘arf right.
A ‘noob’ is a newcomer to any venue whom has big bristols.
dave
And now we know! 🙂
Thank you, Mr. Presidente!
If the noob is of female sex, the males in the venue will gather around like flies to the jam pot.
If the noob is of male sex, the females will laugh themselves piss less whilst getting wazzed on WKD piss or equivalent.
If the noob is an either way TS, the crowd tends to observe which WC they frequent and then nominate a farrok of the gathering to follow them and check if they do it standing, sitting or sideways; whilst casting bets of huge proportions, like the TS’s bristols normally, so I’m told anyway…
dave
Hah!
So… Just who is telling you this, Mr. President?
😉
A complex amalgam of about a dozen TS clients I saw in my career for various medico-legal reasons.
They were fascinating characters, but I did spray the office client chair with antiseptic after each one left, just in case…
The male to female ‘folk’ were particularly entertaining, and no cross-transference going on either, OK?
dave
🙂
Okay. Thanks, Mr. President!
I have not a single doubt you provided a great service to them. Seriously.
Yep, I aimed to make a lot of funny folk happy about their lot in life.
But, at the risk of seriousness, not paedophiles, never, ever. Just get the shotgun and blast ’em away, IMHO.
So to bed cos old folks in Brit are locked into their beds by 2100 hours to allow the yoofs the free run of the streets.
Night night to one and all
dave
Sleep well, Mr. President.
No, my dear Mr. Hambidge. Not the pedophiles, thank you. Not ever.
And I’ve shied from the seriousness myself, so I’m glad you broached it.
A jam pot, eh? I’ve been called worse. Sorry to have missed the fun, but I’ve been sleeping quite a lot. More on that elsewhere in the thread.
At least, I hope I’m a jam pot. Though I’ve lived life as a man, I’m definitely all woman. Jam pot. Let’s see what havoc Mr. Truitt can wreak with that little phrase, shall we?
Freud,
Sometimes a jam pot is just a jam pot.
Alan,
I am here, at last! I’ve been lost in an opiate stupor, in and out of sleep and almost over a year to where the wild things are.
I dreamed – oh! such dreams as I have had at night when I have clasped my love once more to my heart, as I do now. I dreamed of cricket; I bowled imaginery balls in the dark; I sent the stumps spinning and heard them rattling in the tunnels. I dreamed of Africa.
I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’
I dream a dream of sixpence, pocket full of pie. Many’s the long night I’ve dreamed of cheese – toasted, mostly.
But the most vivid of the toasted, wasted, wastrel, minstrel mincemeat pie dreams was the one I dreamed of you – father, priest, protector.
And also, that one about sausage. That was pretty
vivid, too.
And now, if I can only get back to my dreams. How do people go to sleep? I’m afraid I’ve lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.
Zu sterben zu schlafen, vielleicht zu schlafen, zu träumen.
Ay, there’s the rub.
Freud,
Thank guttness you’re here.
Haha. Sorry, bad joke. But I bet it would have made Bob Trusty LOSTL.
This is encouraging, Freud. Very encouraging. When we next meet I shall explain what these dreams mean. They are, of course, wildly significant. Wildly! And, natch’ they are rife with symbolism!
Rife, I tell you!
We’re back on the road to healing.
Normally at this point, I’d do some Parody of “On the Road to Morocco” but I have much research to begin.
Our next session will be challenging, but, I believe, stupendously therapeutic.
Seduce Carlita? I can see how wonderful that would go.
You’re… making fun of me again, aren’t you, spamwarrior?
😉
“I work! I know that I sometimes fall asleep. But only because I get drowsy.”
From now on, this is my way of explaining away all my foibles: “I’m early! I know that sometimes I arrive late. But only when I’m running behind.”
Alright! Farook has become a useful object lesson!
Finally, a contribution from that crazy, lazy, accountant!
I think you should go for it with Carlita, the other guy is a nut job!
Thanks Kate,
The problem is that Carlita views me as pond scum.
If I can past that though… Then maybe she’ll start to remember my name.
Alright! Farook has become a useful object lesson!
Yeah. Also, dude sounds unnervingly intense.
Hah! True. Good thing he sleeps most of the day!
😉
While I admire both Scott’s nefarious plan and bschooled litany of pick up lines, the solution is obviously more simple than that.
Tell Carlita that Farook has the hots for her and will be asking her for a date this weekend. In her absolute fear (b/c she is known as a terrible liar) she will ask you what to do. Then you slide in as the saviour and offer to “hang out” with her this weekend.
Bearman…did you really like my pick-up lines or were you just saying that to be nice?
Because if you did, I could come up with some for bears as well. Cartoon ones, of course.
It’s my shtick…
It’s true bearman,
bschooled can do it.
I’ve seen her bear shtick.
Nice plan, bearman!
So I tried to tell Carlita that Farook has the hots for her. It sounded something like this…
Me: Hi, Carlita.
Carlita: What do you want?
Me: Nerk! Nump! Gack! Hooogah!! Farook! Farook! Farook!!!!!!! Hunkah! Hoopah! Spack! Waaahhh!
Roaring. Just not a roaring success.
Oh yeah…I meant to say while you are babbling and drooling, pass her a note. ooops. Now it looks like she would rather go out with Farook
Babbling and drooling? Babbling??? I prefer to think of my babbling as delightful rants skipping merrily through a daisy field. Little bouncing comic vignettes whisking past the nettles and through the heather as the glorious sun kisses the majestic earth in its comic splendor.
I don’t babble. I don’t go on and on and on and on and on pointlessly and aimlessly and randomly… Drifting off into topic after top, as unfocused as a sated sperm whale in search of an alabaster igloo. I’m not some rambling befuddled guy who drifts off base and who leaves you asking, “What do igloos have to do with anything?” And “did he just say sperm?” I take umbrage to this.
Indeed, we shall meet on the field on honor. Or maybe we can just rent Field of Dreams, ah, I’m not sure. Let’s go to a rep theatre and see The Killing Fields – or maybe a W. C. Fields film night? Oooh – that could be fun! I’ll bring the popcorn. Where do you live again?
Oh, and do you believe in déjà vu?
😉
Obviously, Carlita is using Farook as her shill to prompt you to talk to her. Perhaps you can align yourself with her hatred of the lottery? You know, having a common interest is always appealing.
Go for it!
This is an intriguing theory, Aunt Baaa…
It would appear there are things go on around me that I’m not aware of. Intrigue, mischievous design, office politicking, sneakiness, one-upmanship, hatred of the lottery, strippers (okay, I added that one), mayhem, escaped lunatics (okay, I added that one too) and shills!
Am I so naïve to have missed it all? And don’t you think clouds are the greatest? I saw one today that looks like a big a cotton ball. It was neat-oh!
Sorry, where was I?
Oh, right, common interests!
While I have been unable to string a cohesive sentence together in front of Carlita as of yet, I shall give it a try.
Wish me nerk.
Yes, yes, yes! I know it’s all part of your master plan, this toying and torturous sexual tension with Carlita, but come on man! Y’all got’sta make this happen, hot and heavy like. Just let your mind flashback to her damaged and swollen groin if you need inspiration. You could be one of those dogs attacking her crotch. You can do it! Yes you can! Get Carlita! Be a man! No more nerkin’ now get to flirtin’… Farook’s insanity is the perfect excuse. Follow suit with the rest of the office and step outside of social graces and pursue the golden panties! Is it just me or is it extremely hot in here…
Hey! You lifted this from a Penthouse Article!
It was written in 1977 by one Mr. Shoeshine Grimes…
Let me find it, it was a classic article… Hang on
( Softcore porn music plays )
Okay, I’m back… Here it is. It’s pretty familiar…
“Yes, yes, yes!” she cried, “I know it’s all part of your master plan, this toying and torturous sexual tension!”
Now roused to orgasm, Carla Boobika screamed and then collapsed.
Handsome Jake Spermilizer smiled. He was handsome. He was Jake. He was a spermalizer.
“Come on, man!” Carla cried. “Do it again. Make this happen. Make it hot and heavy!”
Jake smiled and let his mind flashback to her damaged and swollen groin. He needed inspiration. He wanted to attack her groin like a damn dog, but he was tired. Dog tired.
“What if we cuddled?” he asked.
“Fuck that and fuck me!” she roared. “You can do it! Yes you can! Be a man! No more nerkin’ now get to squirtin!”
There’s more, of course, a seltzer bottle gets violated and someone breaks out the salsa… But I was struck by the marked similarity.
Later…
“Alan, Alan, come on sweety let’s get the over,” Carlita said mockingly.
“Huh, I, ohh.”
“You’re kidding me, oh my, jeez Alan, shit not on my new sheets.”
“Uhh, I…”
“Damn you Alan, these were from Sweden.”
“I, I, nerk….”
Hahahaha!
Inspiring.
Oh, that Alan!
Always prematurely staining the Swedish sheets.
Now we smoke!
Wow, I’m really embarrassed. Not only for having my pants around my ankles, but for being caught plagiarizing. I thought I was the only “classic porn” aficionado on WordPress. No one reads those articles! Well played. A thousand pardons and a clearing of my throat as I back out of the room now, (falling down because I never pulled my pants up).
Oh, that’s okay. I always keep my pants around my ankles and am forever plagarizing “classic porn.”
It’s what we do, RR. It’s what we do…
😉
The answer is so obvious…
Oh that’s right.
Okay, I will explain it for you.
Farook has to seduce Carlita. She will be so sickened by his advances that you will look like a god to her. You step in smoothly, Keep your mouth shut, swoop her in your arms without tripping over your own feet or dropping her, and rescue her from Farook.
She will be so in love with you that you will wish you’d never seen her.
Just keep your mouth shut.
Ah!
Alan Truitt: The classic strong and silent type!
So… Keep my mouth shut and swoop her in my arms.
Can do.
One thing…
I’m guessing Carlita weighs about 130 lbs.
Once I swoop her up (with my mouth shut) how far do I have to carry her?
I ask because I have a bad back.
I think I can do about 10 yards. Maybe 20 tops…
Only until she’s away from Farook. And for god’s sake, be careful putting her down or you will ruin the effect. Then, mysteriously disappear so you can escape to the men’s room and nerk all you want without her knowing.
Thanks Claire,
Ill be sure that my Gloopstache is properly waxed.
And as I carry her, I’ll try not to shout out Koomahoolawallagitcheeianawackapoo, (although I’ve heard of instances where shouting out Koomahoolawallagitcheeianawackapoohas led to kulp moments.)
Carlita will be my queen, and I her king, and anyone who performs an act of oileisint will be severely dealt with.
Once, I’ve dropped her off, I’ll dash to the washroom and nerk myself silly, and I’ll do it even though I suffer from Spunkaphobia.
And you can quote me on this.
Talk to you kroopler, my friend! 😉
Ouch. Poor Carlita. And her groin.
It’s cute how you say, ‘Nerk’ and ‘Nump’ at the most inappropriate moments! I do wonder, what do they mean?
I sense catastrophe. Farook is gonna be back soon, I tell you.
Oh no! Not a Farook related catastrophe!!!
I don’t like the sound of that. But I sense you may be right. Very insightfully observed Anonymously Secret… Very insightfully observed…
LOL, thank you Alan. You are seriously very hilarious.
Well, I HAVE been told that I am very observant before 🙂
😉
And that’s because you are!
Thanks much for the kind words.
Fortunately, I don’t have those kind of co-workers (who really populate the state government sector) as I do payroll, and thus are immune to that kind of blathering.
You never know who will show up next, G…
Hey! Your site is back up and running. I hadn’t been able to get on to it for the last 10 days or so.
Welcome back.
So… this is the closest physical approximation I could find for Alan’s Sick Days blog. Alan (or his blog) is played by the young dancer in blue shorts.
You’ll notice not much is happening for about 2 minutes (the early days). Just a little sporadic participation.
But by the 2-1/2 minute mark, it begins to resemble the anarchy that is the Sick Days comment thread. (At this point, even Alan’s MPD joins itself on the dance, um, ground.)
Maybe this only makes sense to me.
On behalf of the Truly Sickie fan club, may I endorse this video and am pleased to see the oddness of TS fully displayed…
Pres Dave
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Thank you!
That was great.
Makes perfect sense to me.
Again, many thanks for that!
I’ll have a pint of whatever the bloke with the camera has been drinking.
“Oh my god…ha ha ha…oh my god…ha ha ha….oh my… (to coda)”
I’m guessing that whatever he’s been drinking is completely gone…
But, CLT…. the big question is:-
“What the f*** were you looking for on Youtube in order to find that?”
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Alan%2Bshort+shorts%2Banarchy%2Bmultiple+personality+disorder+-decorum&aq=f&oq=&aqi=
Excellent!
CLT, That video was perfect. The blog feels exactly like that too!
And your search – it’s as complicated as your mind and just as interesting.
Oh dear you’ve been unmasked Alan
It’s all a foggy University wide stanced blur…
Now normally I would be all for Farook’s idea, but you might want to watch out. If office gossip gets back to Clark it would probably go from, ‘Farook wants Alan to seduce Carlita’ and be relayed as, ‘Alan and Carlita are escaping to Russia to dominate the restaurant business and help underprivileged monkeys.’
PS. I bet he would have left you alone right then if you hadn’t Nerked. That’s what tipped him off. Made him suspicious.
I’m telling you.
Ha!
When will society learn to show some compassion for the underprivileged monkeys? It’s a charity that no one seems to take seriously. Frankly, I sometimes lament mankind.
Sage advice, and good call, bellakagan. I know that Clark has a seriously misguided distrust of Russians, the underprivileged, and monkeys. And so let’s not even get him started on underprivileged Russian monkeys. He really is a narrow minded little man.
I shouldn’t have Nerked. It’s just that I Numped. And you can’t have a Nump without a Nerk.
Or at least that’s what I read in Cosmo.
Always nice to see you, bellakagan…
Farook is on his way out Alan – nothing can save him. I suggest you use Scott’s lottery ploy to get into Carlita’s pants as few time, tell Farook she’s coming around and then when you’re tired of Carlita but before she knows it get her to fire Farook – as long as he’s in the office he’s dangerous to you.
I suspect you’re right about Farook, It
Hah! “Farook It!” I like that! Haha.
Anyway…
My problem is that Carlita thinks I’m a lowly bug that’s not worthy of attaching itself to a groin mauling dog’s testicles, let alone basking in her radiant glow.
She’s just not that into me.
🙂
She’s just playing hard to get – she likes dog testicles so why wouldn’t she like you – Carlita – Spanish as in Tijuana . Do we need to spell it out for you 😉
I should get that printed on a business card: “Alan Truitt — Almost Better Than A Dog’s Testicles.”
It has a nice ring to it…
😆
PS: If you could spell it out, that would be most helpful! 😉
Well if you insist – it would appear that working in that cubicle has stunted your exposure to the more manly pursuits in life. No young lad – I’m presuming here that you are not much more than a curly hair or two past being weaned, should approach manhood without having spent an afternoon or two in the less than reputable cantinas in Tijuana watching the dog and pony shows and the ladies that love them. If going to Tijuana is outside your budgetary means right now I trip to your local red hot adult video store will suffice – no doubt Carlita has a few of her own videos there.
Wow. You spelled that out really well. I’m glad I insisted. Okay… I have an image. It’s etched into my brain.
Now I’m off to shop for… groceries. Yeah, that’s it… Groceries…
Yeah, try and get there before there’s a line…
Hahahahaha….
The capper!
Nump? Nerk?
I agree!
Well said, Gryph.
It’s always nice to be quoted. 😉
All best,
Alan
Alan, get ye to bed for dreams, like this perhaps;
dave
Thanks Dave,
I enjoyed that. One more dreamy song and I’m gone to the land of Carlita nod.
When I was in high school, I fell asleep nightly to either the Cocteau Twins or This Mortal Coil, depending upon my mood. If my mood was merely dark and creepy, it was the Twins, if truly morose and on the verge of death, TMC.
I put the cassettes on repeat play. You do all know what a cassette is, right? I’m sure you do. I figure you’re all close to my age or you wouldn’t get so many of these references.
anything like a “LP?”
Gryph: Ha! Yes. Only bigger and more prone to scratches.
BKT: I do indeed. At probably around the same time, the Twins and TMC and Dead Can Dance were big on my “Heavy Rotation” lists (as CLT would say).
Okay, I just clocked-in, sorry I’m a little late but my Aunt Judy was hit by a meteorite…no permanent damage thank god.
So, what do we have going on…pithy comments, snide remarks, spam, eclectic references to obscure bands and philosophers, non-standard genitalia, Yuri, Ms. Bodsworth, BKT, CLT, some fucking guys, sight gags, vintage merkins, etc, etc. I’ll be fine.
Oh Alan, I thought we’d be using the latest version of the Commenters Manual. That pdf you sent me is not only an old version of the manual, but its missing pages. I am missing pages on handjobs, twine, the Krebs Cycle, and anal fissures. ‘Prolapse’ is STILL misspelled. Its just frustrating.
Another thing, at our Commenters Safety Meeting this morning no one mentioned ‘Hummingbird Cake’ recipes. I shouldn’t be hearing these things at the safety meeting, that’s what ‘Commenter’s Report’ is for. Sorry if I’m breaking your balls Alan, but I think you need to know.
I guess you know the Moderation Committee is considering altering the ‘Riff Standard.’ Its always been six alternating responses within 40 minutes that constitutes a Riff. They now want to make it 8 within 45 minutes. This is crazy, we’re not instant messaging here, I thought we agreed to not buy into this whole texting meme. Its all FYI Alan…I hope this helps.
Anyway, I’m going on break now.
P.S.
Did we ever resolve that “is it a podium or dais” question??
P.P.S
Just so you know, since we can’t get any answers in a timely manner, we are going with ‘Pussy Comb-over’ instead of merkin for the time being…I know, I know, but we did it on the fly.
My apologies on the delay responding, I was in the hospital visiting your Aunt Judy. She asked where the hell you where and why the fuck you haven’t visited, by the way. (I like your Aunt Judy, she tells it like it is).
I’m also afraid to tell you that the news on Judy isn’t all rosy sunshine. She’s suffering from a weird side effect since being hit by the meteorite. She’s become magnetic.
Which begs the question if someone has a magnetic personality do things stick to their head?
In the case of your Aunt Judy the answer is a definite and resounding “yes.”
It took us 10 minutes to pry my car keys from her forehead.
Throughout the course of the day she’s been attracting odd metallic objects. There was an unfortunate incident with a bedpan (I’ll spare you the gruesome details, but suffice to say it wasn’t pretty).
I’ve only heard of this type of thing happening once before…
http://foodhere.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/the-super-fantastic-magnetic-powers-of-ram-venkatararam/
Anyway she asked me to pass on a message to you. She said, “Haul your god damned lazy ass over to the hospital now or no more Hummingbird Pie for you, buster!”
I thought “buster” was a nice touch, so I added that in myself. I believe the expression she used was “knucklehead.”
I have resent the revised PDF and it now includes handjobs, twine, the Krebs Cycle, anal fissures, up to the minute information on the rectal prolapse, pelvic prolapse, and vaginal prolapse. (Still spelled not to your satisfaction, but I do believe correctly in this instance.)
As well there are some pithy updates on:
-the latest in merkin fashion
-the ongoing descent regarding the madness of the GoF
-the new “no red Smarties” rules
-candid photos of Sponge Bob snorting coke
-a manual about why manuals suck
-the latest updates in Pu Yi (FYI: he’s still dead)
-a limerick about a man from Peoria
-and something that looks like tapioca.
As for Hummingbird Cake recipes, I asked your Aunt Judy for one but she is adamant that they die with her. She got quite upset when I pressed and would have stabbed me with her fork – had it not been stuck to her nose.
Re. The Moderation Committee. Well, these things are to be expected. They need to feel like they are contributing. I’ll have a word with them. Not that I have any clout. Maybe I’ll text them. Although they have no sense of irony. Damn Moderation Committee and their lack of understanding irony.
PS; Regarding the contentious “podium verses dais” issue. A compromise has been reached. From now it will be known as “The big wooden platform thingy that people stand up behind when they are speaking to other people.”
I don’t know… It seems a little clunky to me.
Finally. Ha! Pussy Comb-over makes me very, very happy. Very, very, very happy! Nice work! Hahahahahaha…
“No permanent damage”?
I had heard she had died but assumed that her lifelong devotion to voodoo would make sure that this whole “dead” thing would only be temporary.
Thanks for the update, Alan.
By the way, I also “resent” the revised PDF. I thought it was fine in its original state, full of factual errors and drunken rambling. I may not be able to sleep tonight, due to my teeth-gnashing and bathtub full of meth.
Anyway, excellent comments and suggestions FJ and Alan. You both deserve credit for the direction this comment thread is taking.
I would like to know who will be taking the minutes at the next meeting. I sincerely hope it will not be Edna Morton, who has proven thus far that there isn’t any job she can’t handle (see attached).
I think I speak for us all when I say we’re all pretty tired of her constant snoring, refusal to type our endless stream of obscenities and frequent use of holy water in an attempt to exorcise the “talking dog man.”
Peace out, chaps.
Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq.
Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq. (All right, we have a nickname!)
My apologies on the delay responding, I was in the middle of a sexual act with Edna Morton’s younger sister, Squeaky Morton.
And whilst (whilst??) in the act I ‘twas (‘twas???) checking my dictionary to make sure that “resent” is the past tense of resend. (I can’t perform unless I know my grammar is in order. But I’ve said too much. Waaay to much.)
Anyway… You’re very welcome for the updates. I agree on the original. It was zippy. The factual errors and drunken ramblings were what kept it fresh and thus kept us all out of our bathtubs full of meth. I thought the following perfectly exemplified the delightful marriage of erroneous facts and drunken ramblings.
162% of the stiff, I mean stuff, I mean, staff members, HHaha! “members!” Get it? Get it? Like a dick. You know… cock…hahahahaha *
Accurding to the last meeeeting we continue to sell windows and doors and no one has found our puppy mill… if we had one. Which we don’t. Hahaha. wtf central refrigerators…*
BKT, FJ and CLT Prez Dave and CC have all prolapsed and so will be disciplined at the end of the month. You bring the cool whip and HR will supply the merkins…*
*Transcribed by Squeaky Morton.
No worries on Edna. Ha! She is, I gather, somewhat afraid of talking dogs with a reckless willingness to bandy the word “cunt” about like so many cunts in an English country garden. (Too much?) The poor dear has also apparently run out of Sharpies.
Until we meet again (I’ll remember the cigars next time, I promise)…
Coffee Boy Alpo
LOSTL.
Of course, I should know better than to tangle with you two guys. Its like poking a bear with a short stick…dangerous, maybe not as dangerous as gay swordplay, probably not as awkward either, but still dangerous nonetheless. Comment laureates both, I tell ya.
I am afraid, given the time stamps on the comments, that we’ve missed riff status. Maybe you should craft some memo regarding thread morale before the next Moderation Committee. HA
Can we still say Cheers??? Cheers.
Haha!
Gay swordplay!
Yes, let’s leave that to those mincing young fops and their pork-sword machines.
Cheers! (allowed, by the way!)
PS. I’ll get to work on crafting those memos.
Geez Anal, You said you would cover for me when I prolapsed!
Whoops!
Sorry Claire,
It was a momentary lapse of prolapse.
Which of my many prolapses has been espied within Hamish and the TS community?
Piles? Belly Button? Both tits? Cheeks? Neck? Arse?
Or perhaps my prolapse from the UK medical world? And Believers in alien abduction? Or christian churches which are a front for finance draining cults?
Er, sorry, went from stupid to enraged there.
I will need manacles as well as whip, any suppliers?
dave
I can get you whatever you need, Dave. Whatever you need.
😉
Discipline me. Go ahead. I dare you…
Good afternoon, Claire.
Having a nice day?
😉
That’s my punishment? You’re going to be nice to me?
*Sigh*
See Anal, this is why you’re such a doormat and Carlita walks all over you. You need to pull out the big guns. Walk right up to her and say, “I find you attractive. I’m going to take you out to dinner and possibly for a nice long screw after. Be ready at 7.”
but noooo, all you can say is Nerk! Nump! Nerkity Numpity!
You should have the entire office suffering from Spunkaphobia and when you’re done with Carlita, you should have a gloopstache.
And by the way you sweet little puppy you, I’m having a good day. Thanks for asking 😉 I may make a hummingbird cake later.
And for the handful of others who understood every word of this conversation, you guys pay way too much attention!
Kroopler!
There’s a rumour going around that Carlita’s grandfather is a convicted oileisint. Apparently he wingspanked some Spanish prince. This is why I get so nervous. Her family has a history of regicide and while I’m not regal, I do have a kulp that makes me vulnerable. I know, I know my “Nerk!”and the “Nump!” is all very embarrassing, especially since I can’t even muster a Koomahoolawallagitcheeianawackapoo! Maybe she would be impressed if I grew a gloopstache. Or at least a pair of wibblyzaps.
I’m such a hummingbird that way. I take the cake. And feed it to my merkin.
Kroopler!
Be careful or you may get your wibblyzaps wingspanked whether you’re royalty or not.
Stop feeding your merkin unless you want it to grow….
Speaking of merkins, the rumor I heard was that Carlita attaches hers with peanut butter which is why the entire groin mauling scene occurred. You aren’t feeding yours peanut butter are you?
Kroopler!
I wouldn’t want wibblyzapped wingspanks. That’s too painful to contemplate.
My merkins are carnivores.
And a Kroopler to you too!
Your merkins are carnivores yet they eat cake and you store them with the meat…. I would think they would prefer pie or seafood.
I’m surprised your wibblyzaps haven’t already been oileisinted. The king and both princes are in danger!
I can’t see this ending in a kulp either.
This is right out Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Merkin” Act 2 Scene 3
SCENE III. Portia’s room in Shylock’s house down the road from Horatio’s digs.
Enter JESSICA and LAUNCELOT
JESSICA : I am sorry thou wilt leave my merkin so:
Our house is hell, and thou, a merry carnivorel,
Didst rob it of some taste of cake.
But fare thee well, there is meat for thy wibblyzaps:
LAUNCELOT : Adieu! tears exhibit my tongue. Most beautiful
pagan, most sweet hummingbird pie
I am much deceived. But, kulp; these foolish seafoods do
something drown my
manly oileisinted spirit: adieu.
Launcelot flounces off stage in search of the king and the princes – to warn them they are in danger.
So close to that 200 mark.
I really thought Louncelot and Jessica were going to stick it out and do some merkin exploring. and then he had to go flouncing off stage to find the King and the princes. A real man would have already known where they were.
True. But the king and princes were in danger and if they were to be oileisinted, the kingdom would have fallen into disarray. And then the royal supply of merkins would have vanished.
His act of flouncing off was for the greater good of the merkin.
And besides, Jessica isn’t very hot anyway.
OH yeah, don’t want to waste a merkin on an ugly girl.
“Don’t Waste a Merkin on an Ugly Girl.”
Wasn’t that a Johnny Paycheck song?
Another excellent sequence of ideation in print, love it.
dave
Cheers, Dave!
Sus says hi!
😆
She said quite a bit else, such as…
dave
looks like you have some seducing to do! GET TO IT!
Thanks Betty,
Will do!!!
I’ll get some wine and romantic music and be over at your place real soon!
Looking forward to it. Send your crotchfruit and hubby to a movie.
😉