Posts Tagged ‘you’re fired!’

sick days cube vultures
Given the circumstances of Typhoid Mildred’s recent departure, people have been more restrained than usual in their cube plundering.

Usually the vultures descend quickly and start scooping up staplers, rulers, mousepads – anything that isn’t bolted to the floor.

Of course it’s just a matter of time. Once someone makes a move and unplugs her desk fan, all bets are off.

The larger issue will be who gets Mildred’s cube. It has indirect light and a partial view of a corner of a window, so in Hamish terms, it’s a very desirable piece of real estate.

Word is that the lobbying for her cube has already started on the QT. Innocent emails of inquiry to Clark and casual hints dropped at the water fountain.

It’s kind of creepy. Her seat isn’t even cold yet.

While I have no intention of claiming a stake (it’s a fixer up ‘er and likely haunted) I do have an interest in who gets it.

My worse case scenario has Otto moving in. Or Farook. Or Mike. In fact, when I think about it, there’s no one in the office that I can imagine being able to co-exist with for any length of time. I’m not sure what that says about them – or me.

I might be okay with a photocopier. It’s hard to say. They can be noisy and draw a crowd.

Mildred wasn’t the most engaging neighbour but she was quiet, professional and made me laugh. Plus, she kept other people out of our corner of the office. And she made me tea once.

Oh. My. God… I miss Mildred!

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sick days so long typhoid
Typhoid Mildred was fired today.

Apparently she was captured on the office video surveillance stealing a box of pencils… Oh, and apparently we have office video surveillance.

Mildred got a call, went to HR, and came back to her desk with Trudy and two Security Guards. She packed the contents of her desk into a single box and was ushered out of the office.

But Mildred did not go gentle into the land of unemployment.

First, she screamed “Help me!”

Then she bit one of the Security Guards.

Next she broke free and made for Clark’s office.

By the time she was pulled off Clark, the boxed contents of her desk were scattered all over the floor. The picture of Mr. Hamish, the 1950’s Hamish Industries print ads, the Hamish coffee mug, key chain, and chachkes.

She’s been her for over 40 years and they dragged her out by her ankles…

There’ll be no retirement party for Mildred.

As she was hauled past us, I asked Clark if there wasn’t something he could do to help her.

Clark asked me if I knew how much a box of pencils cost.

I said “A box of 12 costs around $3.00 at Staples.”

Then Clark asked me if I liked working here.

He walked off with a smile on his face as Mildred’s screams drowned out the photocopiers, phones and fax machines.

As the elevator doors were closing behind her, she yelled “I’ll be back to kill you all in your sleep!”

That should keep us all awake.

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Like everywhere, we’ve had our fair share of layoff rumours. I’ve tried not to think about it, but this week, I saw 10 sure signs that downsizing is on its way…

1. We received a memo telling us how to contact The Employee Assistance Program.

2. Every time I go to the printer to pick up an order sheet, there’s a stack of resumes in the tray.

3. Lunchroom talk has switched from “Who will win Idol” to “How much seniority I have.”

4. I asked my boss Clark about scheduling my next performance review. He laughed and punched me on the shoulder.

5. The supply cabinet hasn’t been restocked and won’t be “for the foreseeable future.”

6. A skid of empty boxes arrived on our floor.

7. Everybody is actually working. And working hard.

8. At any given hour you can hear someone crying in a stall in the men’s room.

9. We were six chairs short at our staff meeting. Clark’s take? “That’ll sort itself out in time.”

10. We’ve been told that our summer vacation requests have been put on hold but we should go ahead and make any plans we like.

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