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Posts Tagged ‘voluntold’

sick days wedding hell
This morning, Nutless Tom told me he was getting married.

I said “Congratulations!”

He said “Thanks. You’ll be my best man, right?”

I laughed…

He looked… puzzled.

Up until this morning, I thought “Nutless Tom” was one of the few sane people here.

We’d had a couple of friendly conversations and gone out for a beer – once.

I had to end this – fast!

Me: Umm, Tom, uh, I… Nerk!!!

Tom: Thanks, pal. I knew I could count on my BFF, Alpo.

Me: BFF?

Tom: Sure. I got rid of all my old friends last year. They were dragging me down. You’re my go to guy now, Alan.

Me: Me? No! Look, I –

Tom: You’ll love Tracy.

Me: Tracy?

Tom: I met her last week. We’re getting married in two months. Is that too soon? The wedding theme is the 1920’s. How do you feel about top hats and spats?

Me: Tom, I barely know you.

Tom: Ha, ha! That’s funny, Alpo. You should use that in your speech.

Me: My what?

Tom: At the wedding. Your speech. Anyway, I’ll let you start thinking on bachelor party ideas. Nothing to raunchy, okay, buddy? But nothing too tame either.

Me: But–

Tom: We can talk tuxes at lunch. Think about top hats and spats. Oh! Plus you need to meet Tracy. And my family. And hers! We’re all having dinner next week. Actually there’s gonna be a bunch of upcoming dinners… So clear your calendar. I’m so happy! And the best part? She’s a Scientologist too!

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sick-days-soulless-spirit
So, my boss, Clark, assigned me to participate on the “spirit” committee…

Our job was to come up with ways to boost employee morale and “foster a positive and productive workplace culture.”

I was skeptical, cynical, and uninterested, which – apparently – made me an ideal candidate for membership…

But I did my part and showed up at the meetings.

I wouldn’t call them productive but we did get one idea off the ground…

“The First Annual Hamish Awards.”

…I didn’t say it was a good idea.

But it was all we had.

So we prepared nomination forms, posters and communication materials and were planning a lunch hour “event kick off” later this month…

Unfortunately, it appears our chair, Trudy from HR, overstepped her authority.

Turns out that forms, posters, kick offs and awards cost money.

And while Hamish Industries is big on “spirit” it is even bigger on “cost constraint.”

I’m told the “upper ups” went ballistic when Trudy shared our plan.

Apparently their plan was that we could “foster a positive and productive workplace culture” without a budget.

(I guess they were thinking “free spirit.” Although, I’m sure they’re not too fond of that either.)

And so, in typical Hamish Industries fashion, I received a memo this morning thanking me for my participation but advising that the “spirit” committee was being disbanded and that all “spirit activities” were being suspended until such time as a more fiscally responsible spirit committee could be appointed.

Please feel free to frown, however.

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sick-days-spirit-kill-me
So, my boss, Clark, “volunteered” me to be part of our corporate “spirit” committee.

Call us “Team Spirit.”

I went to my first meeting today.

The name “spirit” is fitting. Most of the committee look like they’ve been dead for a long time.

That’s probably because we were all forced to participate and no one has any interest in it… Or any actual spirit…

There was one exception to this rule: Trudy from HR. She’s chairing the whole thing.

Trudy has lots of energy and lots of ideas. In fact, she is the spirit committee. The rest of us are just mismatched window dressing.

Her first decision was to launch an employee recognition program.

Trudy suggested we call it The First Annual Hamish Awards.

No one objected. Or seemed to care…

Trudy called for nomination categories. Things like best customer service, best team building, innovations, leadership…

All the usual suspects.

She said “Who wants to kick this puppy off with the first nomination?”

There was a collective groan.

Then someone yelled “What? No way! Look, I was told that all I had to do was show up and pretend to be interested.”

Gotta admit, I was pretty surprised it was me.

Guess I’ve got more spirit than I realized.

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