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Posts Tagged ‘obnoxious co-workers’

sick-days-monster
9.15am: Mike enters my cube. He sits on my desk. He shows me a picture of his daughter. He calls her “My little angel.”

She looks around 17 and has a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

9.30am: Mike’s still talking about his daughter. Along with being his little angel, she’s also whip smart, funny as hell, a high school dropout and pregnant.

9.41am: Mike leaves. Apparently he has to take an El Grande Dumpo.

9.57am: I hear Mike yelling “Don’t go in the men’s room! I just dropped an El Dumpo Supremo!”

10.15am: Mike asks me if I want to go “power drinking” with him tonight.

I politely decline. We have the following conversation.

Mike: Come on!

Me: No thanks.

Mike: Come on!!

Me: Maybe some other –

Mike: Come on!!!

Me: Not tonight.

Mike: Puss-y!!!!

11.16am: Mike enters my cube. He tells me he used to do well with the ladies. He spares me no details.

11.58am: Mike says he’s going to get his coat and then “we’re having lunch together.”

12.pm – 1pm: I hide behind the bank of photocopiers and eat my lunch. No sign of Mike.

1.42pm: I watch Mike steal a handful of change from the coffee kitty. He sticks the coins in his pocket, scratches his balls and laughs.

2.57pm: Mike says, “There you are. Come on. I’m going for a smoke break.”

3.19pm: I don’t smoke. But now I smell like I do.

4.00pm: Email from Mike. It says we’ll start tonight’s power drinking at a place called Strippy McNudes.

4.43pm: I leave early. As the elevator doors close behind me, I hear Mike shout out “Puss-y!”

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sick-days-mike
There’s a guy in the office that no one likes.

His name is Mike.

Ask anyone who works here and they’ll tell you, “I don’t like Mike.”

They don’t like Mike.

Mike is in sales. He’s short, wide, has tight curly hair and laughs at his own jokes.

When he comes out of the men’s room, he yells out “Don’t go in there! I just dropped an El Dumpo Supremo!”

Mike wanders around the office yelling into his cell phone. Business calls, personal calls, he’s always doing the “cell yell.” He’s pretty animated. Always rolling his eyes and shaking his head at whoever it is he’s talking to.

He has nicknames for everybody. He calls me “Little Buddy.”

I’m around six inches taller than him…

About two minutes ago I saw him steal a handful of change from the office coffee kitty.

He scooped up the coins like they were mints, stuck them in his pocket, scratched his balls and laughed.

So now he’s put me in an awkward situation.

And I don’t like Mike for doing that.

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