Posts Tagged ‘Nerk!!!’

sick days wedding hell
This morning, Nutless Tom told me he was getting married.

I said “Congratulations!”

He said “Thanks. You’ll be my best man, right?”

I laughed…

He looked… puzzled.

Up until this morning, I thought “Nutless Tom” was one of the few sane people here.

We’d had a couple of friendly conversations and gone out for a beer – once.

I had to end this – fast!

Me: Umm, Tom, uh, I… Nerk!!!

Tom: Thanks, pal. I knew I could count on my BFF, Alpo.

Me: BFF?

Tom: Sure. I got rid of all my old friends last year. They were dragging me down. You’re my go to guy now, Alan.

Me: Me? No! Look, I –

Tom: You’ll love Tracy.

Me: Tracy?

Tom: I met her last week. We’re getting married in two months. Is that too soon? The wedding theme is the 1920’s. How do you feel about top hats and spats?

Me: Tom, I barely know you.

Tom: Ha, ha! That’s funny, Alpo. You should use that in your speech.

Me: My what?

Tom: At the wedding. Your speech. Anyway, I’ll let you start thinking on bachelor party ideas. Nothing to raunchy, okay, buddy? But nothing too tame either.

Me: But–

Tom: We can talk tuxes at lunch. Think about top hats and spats. Oh! Plus you need to meet Tracy. And my family. And hers! We’re all having dinner next week. Actually there’s gonna be a bunch of upcoming dinners… So clear your calendar. I’m so happy! And the best part? She’s a Scientologist too!

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This is disturbing.

Today I suddenly realized that I’m attracted to Carlita Paonessa.

It happened in (of all places) the elevator…

3rd Floor
I want to say: “Carlita, you’re looking rather tempestuous.”

Instead I say: “Snort! I mean, hi…”

Carlita rolls her eyes.

6th Floor
I want to say: “It saddens my poetic soul that we must avert our hungry eyes from each other when there is so much to say.”

Instead I say: “Work sucks, huh?”

Carlita sighs. Balefully.

10th Floor
Carlita says “It’s Alpo, right?”

I want to say: “That’s the nickname the peons here have given me. But when you say it, it sounds resonant, sensuous and provocative.”

Instead I say: “Yup. That’s me.”

11th – 19th Floor
Uncomfortable silence.

I fantasize about the two of us dancing in the elevator to romantic music. Carlita gives me a look that she probably reserves for incontinent dogs. Then she says “Are you… dancing by yourself to elevator musac?”

20th Floor
I want to say: “Only because the rhythm of your beauty has swept me up like a seductive tango.”

Instead I say: “Sorry. I just farted.”

21st Floor
She says “Look, Alpo. I’ve been meaning to ask you –”

22nd — 23rd Floor
A long pause.

I want to say: “Ask away, sweet Carlita. I shall provide you with the answers you desire.”

Instead I say: “Nerk!!!!!”

24th Floor
The doors open.

She says: “Forget it.”

I just stare with my mouth hanging open.

We walk out. I go left. She goes right.

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