I’m in the new Vancouver office training sales staff. Everyone here is really nice.
They all seem so happy and relaxed. It must be the mountains.
Or the pot.
So, there’s really nothing to report.
Well… One thing…
Ever since I’ve found out that Carlita is my new boss, I’ve been having weird dreams about her… Last night my subconscious took it to a new unconscious level…
INT. CARLITA’S OFFICE – DAY
I’m seated before Carlita and she’s going over my resume. But it’s not my work resume – it’s my dating resume. Apparently I’ve asked her out. And now I’m about to get my answer. She puts down my dating resume and cracks her knuckles…
Carlita – Okay, Alan, I’ve looked over your dating resume and I have a few questions.
Alan — Of course.
Carlita — It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there’s no indication of why you left.
Alan — I felt that things had become static and that I needed new challenges…I’m not the type of man that likes complacency, I think that one must constantly be trying to achieve more.
Carlita – Hmm. Interesting…
Alan — It’s not that I’m fickle. It just wasn’t the right relationship for me.
Carlita — And it took you three years to determine that?
Alan — I tried to make things work… I don’t run away from problems.
Carlita – If you say so. What experience did you gain?
Alan — An awful lot actually. I certainly strengthened my interpersonal skills and developed a lot of patience when it comes to dating a cat person. I also worked on improving my sexual skills and I learned to cook.
Carlita — Great, because I am looking for a good cook.
Alan – My Coquilles Saint Jacques is mouth watering.
Carlita – And yet, when you say it, it sounds filthy… Anyway, I’m still considering a number of different men.
Alan — Of course, I just feel I’m the right man.
Carlita – Well, that’s swell… Now before your last relationship, you had a series of brief encounters.
Alan — Yes… Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
Carlita — And you believe you know what you’re looking for now?
Alan — I’m ready to commit to a long term relationship.
Carlita — That’s good, but you do understand that this is only a temporary position. If things work out, the option of marriage is there.
Alan — I understand, but I also feel I’m ready for marriage and children.
Carlita — I am a bit concerned about this homosexual relationship in 97.
Alan — I’m something of a risk taker, Carlita, but I feel that’s one of my strong points. I decided to try that option but quickly discovered it wasn’t for me.
Carlita — You didn’t date much in high school.
Alan — I was shy, but I got over that. As you can see, I’ve taken courses at The Learning Annex.
Carlita — Alan, let’s forget the resume for a minute, it doesn’t really tell me an awful lot.
Alan — Okay.
Carlita – This is a very important position I’m looking to fill.
Alan – PLAQUE! I mean… NARP! I mean… I understand completely.
Carlita — I’ve seen over two hundred men…
Alan — Well, it’s an attractive relationship.
Carlita — I don’t mean in interviews, I mean I’ve seen over two hundred men, and, quite frankly I’m tired of it. I want to make sure that the next one is the right one…How are you in bed?
Alan — Um, well, as you can see by my references, I come highly recommended. Not to boast but I believe my sensitivity to the female orgasm sets me apart from many others in my field.
Carlita — Huh. Why should I give you my love?
Alan — Well, I’m faithful… I’m reliable. Dependable. Loving, romantic, sleepy, sneezy, dopey… I think you’re attractive, and I give a relationship a hundred and ten percent.
Carlita — And why shouldn’t I?
Alan – Ooh a curveball! Hah! Well, I don’t have the best sense of humour in the world.
Carlita — I think you’re funny… In an odd sort of a way.
Alan — Thanks. I think. Look Carlita, I’ll be honest…I need this relationship. I haven’t had one in almost two years and I’m pretty desperate. I’ll work hard and treat you well.
Carlita – Yes, I’m sure you would. But…
Alan — I’m hung! … I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I just said that.
Carlita – That’s alright. In fact, you should have made a note of it.
Alan — I don’t like to brag.
Carlita — That’s what a resume is for…
Alan — I suppose.
Carlita — Alright Alan, I think you’ve got the relationship. I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me… Not an easy task. Plus I’ll want comfort, support and understanding. There will be interaction with my family and I’ll expect you to maintain an apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and buy me flowers regularly. Any questions?
Alan — Just about the sex…Um, uh, er, ahh, yah, hmm, will I be required to…?
Carlita — Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don’t climax easily so be prepared to work.
Carlita shakes my hand.
Carlita — Congratulations.