I’ll be taking the next month off.
Given the recent events, I asked Trudy from HR if I could get a bit of an extended vacation.
She said “Whatever you want Alpo, just don’t strangle me.”
Then she burst out laughing…
Oh, and I have a new nickname – The Hamish Strangler.
It could have been worse…
It could have been… The Nutless Choker.
First!
Hah.
Sorry.
I know. It wasn’t funny the first time either…
Thanks, everyone, for making this all so much damn fun for me.
You’re all hilarious and inspiring and I’m already looking forward to seeing you at your fabulous blogs when I get back. And, I hope, here too.
Alpo – The Hamish Strangler.
P.S.
Mr. Mills,
Regarding my screenplay…
Thank you for reading “Crabby Old Man Fights Morlock Chicks from Planet Nerk and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”
I was sorry to hear that you thought my story about a superhero old man who battles Morlock chicks from the planet Nerk and saves the day and gets the girl and has sex with her thanks to the wonders of Viagra, was, “a damn stupid movie with a damn stupid title.”
The film, as I had mentioned, has been completely funded (by Viagra) and needed the perfect crabby old fart lead man.
I thought we have found him in you.
Obviously, I was wrong.
I wish you all the best.
But on the upside, we have convinced your brother, York, to take the role!
We’ve hired a team of 1st rate alcoholic writers and they are currently getting loaded and working on the rewrite. It is now called “Half-Witted Old Man Titters Groin Mauling Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”
It’s about a superhero old man halfwit who titters groin mauling chicks from the planet Merkin and saves the day and gets the girl and has sex with her thanks to the wonders of Viagra.
The new film needs the perfect halfwit old man in the lead role.
I believe we have found him in your wonderful brother.
HEY! IT’S BEEN A MONTH! Where you at? I don’t have a job so I’m living vivaciously though you and if you’re not working then I’m not living!
oh yeah, I added you to my blogroll too…people should know how awesome you are.
http://www.erinsylvania.wordpress.com
Thanks Erin!
Aww, a whole month without any updates at Hamish? What will I do now to pass the time? Better hide your supplies just in case your coworkers decide to pillage your desk in your absence!!
I miss you already….I hope you’re really off to convince Ram of coming back to the convenience store, but I have a feeling that’s not the case!
Whenever I look at my pet turtles and cats, I’ll think of you
Whenever I see a dog, I’ll think of you
Whenever I see a dog bite someones unmentionable parts, I’ll think of you.
Whenever I see a fight break out at a strip club, I’ll be thinking of you.
Hurry back, I need more humor lol
See you in a month!
Just don’t forget your old digs, or this place will get awful dusty.
Whilst the cat (dog…) is away the mice (TS’s) will still play.
Let’s see how many comments we can generate for the poor chappie to return to?
Second Edict of ElPresgod.
Hope you have fun and chase a lot of tail without getting too dizzy. Ah, what could be better than licking your balls by the beach while a hula girl brings you a Mai Tai!
One thing though- I’m not an alcoholic. I hate how all of us writers get stereotyped into that roole. It’s not my fault that fuchers like you have to CONFORM to thhe pressures of societtty. I enjoy a tall class of vodka before my coffee. It tastss good. I’m a free spirit!!!!!! Hey man! I love you!!! Scerw you.
Have fun!
SIXTH! WOOT!
Your right Alan, it wasn’t funny the first time….
First the amazing Alice & Kev blog (http://aliceandkev.wordpress.com) goes on a break and now Sick Days, god damnit, what am I meant to do at work now?!?!
Maybe I’ll have to go write my own real-life sick days, “Nerk!”
As Alan made his way to the elevator, Otto and Naline eyed his vacant cubicle…..
….where Mildred had hidden her stack of reserve pencils and that crazy Goth…
Yeah, right…..Hamish giving you a month off just because of recent events. Given Trudy’s laugh, your vacation might be extended indefinitely. You better rethink this.
and all the others quietly sniff into their hankies so as not to let on at the sense of loss, or is it relief? that the Hamish strangler has…….Left the building!
Alan, are you finally taking that trip to Sweet Valley you’ve been talking about? If so, I’ll see you soon. If not, I’ll miss you!
Enjoy your extended vacation; we will “see” you when you get back!
While Alpo is in vacation, with his permission, I have blogged about the escapades of Clark in Florida, see
http://www.savory.de/blog_aug_09.htm#20090803
And I fully endorse this account, great read…
ElPresgod
dave
Just promise you won’t like being away so much that you don’t come back!
We will miss you Alan…
And since I think York and I would have great on-screen chemistry, I would like to audition for the role of Morlock chick from Planet Nerk #3.
I would audition for the chick role, but sadly I don’t have the attention span required for a lead role. And I don’t believe in sex before marriage either, since I refuse to make the same mistakes my parents made.
There is no way I want to end up having a kid with no attention span…
I await your return, and until then I will keep myself busy working on whatever social experiments I said we were going to work on.
Bschooled:)
A whole month? What are we all supposed to do?
Have a wonderful, restful time at whichever government “facility” will be providing the “three hots and a cot.”
I think it is pretty crappy of Nutless to press charges. After all, what’s a little innocent attempted murder between friends?
A whole month off….
You smug bugger.
In fact, I bet you’re a right smirkin merkin.
If you’re not already long gone; have a great break.
but if you are already long gone…..
PARTY!!!! AT AL’S HOUSE!!!
Have a great time away – we’ll keep your place warm.
*sob* The Nutless Chocker is gone for a month??
Oh Alan, how I’ll miss you, but this month away is probably for the best. Give everyone at Hamish some time to calm down.
If you get a chance I’d really appreciate it if you’d ask Mildred if she’s heard from Duncan MacIntosh. Since our date a couple weeks ago I haven’t heard from him. I thought we really hit it off, and I’ve tried to call him but no one answers.
I just don’t understand! *cry*
Or the Nutless cracker suite
Damn. I mean have a damn good time in the month off.
Umm, I just hope Mildred doesn’t post in your absence.
I just wish I had been better about our correspondence. I guess you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
And you understood about the birds.
Alan,
OMG, will this be a PAID vacation perchance?
And, more importantly, will you be posting from off-site? Will we have to wait for your return to find out the day-to-day at Hamish or from Alanland?? You MUST think of your faithful readers here!
This is upsetting me, Alan!
Sally P
PS: “Alpo” is NOT meant to be a compliment, Alan. Just refuse to answer to any name but your own! Yeah, that’ll show ’em!
My Internet connection went down this morning and I lost all my cookies. I think I posted with the SallyP together, and there should be a separation… sorry, bad computer day for me…
😦
Well, on the bright side, I might finally get a chance to read all these comments. On the down side, are you kidding me??
Damn. I’ll miss you.
Alantru
Enjoy your time off…dont forget about us. Why the Hamish Strangler….zman sends
that is such a cute pic, enjoy your time off.
Yea, I get this. Enjoy…be productive!! Cheers.
Only 27 days to wait, if he meant 4 weeks; but only 26 if he meant till end of august…
elpresgod
Don’t forget the bank holiday at the end of the month, or does that only apply to UK?
I will check, i fink it’s only us brits, so 24 hr less bereavement…
Elpresgod? Honey, if your head gets any bigger, we will have to enlarge the doorways.
Which head did you have in mind?
The one I have in mind rests on your shoulders.
If it’s the other one.. then you truly are a god.
That means no updates until next month? Awww… 😦
For gods sake, I’m only guessing, who knows what will happen when he answers bail in court…
Have fun but don’t stay gone, Alan.
On the bright side, with no one shepherding the comment thread with their taste and restraint, we’ll finally be able to freely speculate on the mental state, whereabouts and sexual orientation of Chad Kroeger, Clive and Dirk Cussler, Alan’s aunt Miss Cunt Face Manners and the general state of journalism.
We can probably also take a swing or two at Keanu Reeves without someone rushing to his defense.
Let the anarchy begin!
Excellent proposal CLT, but during UK daylight hours, I can’t cope with this middle of the night stuff!
First issue. Will printed paper journalism still exist in 5 years time?
IMHO, no, cos this medium we use to ‘speak’ will have killed it off. Today I have read bits from 7 different traditional printed news sources on line for free.
dave
(PS I had better not be elpresgod whilst the manis away, could be ‘elpres of ts’ though?)
Dave –
You can be elpres of whatever the hell you want, as far as I’m concerned. You’ve earned it.
As for paper journalism… it probably will but will be a luxury for those seated in deep leather chairs in spacious rooms of private clubs. Or used to line bird cages.
The remaining 90% of the printed copies will be delivered straight from the truck to the recycling center as both venues will benefit from the stimulus program’s extensive “Busywork” funding.
Especially when it’s tied to two great “causes”: climate change and “serious” journalism.
I like the work regeneration plan, almost cost neutral to the planet in resources, carbon footprints and preserved Brazilian’s in the rain forest. (Bet that gets comment moderation)
The aposition of private clubs and bird cages is a hoot, or should it be twoot; nothing left but shit on the floor.
Mind you, finding quality dialogue on the web can be as risky as taking your mother-in-law to one of the gentlemans clubs; heaven knows where they’ve been and she might enjoy it.
Best, dave
PS 26/25 teetum
Speaking of serious journalism…
Carrie: Welcome back to the 700 Club. We have some more lighthearted news from the World Wide Interweb. We have a press release from Alan Hamish of the Sick Time WordPress.
It seems he’s gone on vacation, and not a moment too soon, as assault charges are being pressed! Hahaha! I’m guessing he’s headed to Mexico, a country made up of murderers and hookers!
Good luck, Adam! Y beunos noches! Hahahaha!
Jack: Thanks for the update, Carrie. This press release is incredibly hefty. It looks to be about 30-40 pages and includes some hand-drawn artwork and what appears to be part of a Dirk Pitt novel.
Obviously we don’t have time to go into detail on this, so I’ll just pick a few choice quotes from the text…
Hmmm. It’s all fairly incoherent. Let’s see…
Misshapen protuberence… rhinestone-studded merkin… occitan couplet… several bands? I don’t recognize these names… a new president? Shandy? Miss… I can’t make this out… Carrie?
Carrie: Miss Cu…, oh my lord…
Jack: Is that how you spell that? I’ve never seen it in writing before. Especially in crayon…
Carrie: Well, before we get into any trouble with our sponsors and into a libel suit with Miss Cu… excuse me, Miss Manners, I think it’s time to move on.
Speaking of which, I got the calls to the majors last week…
Jack: I heard…
Carrie: I’m headed off to do color commentary for the Home Shopping Network’s primetime slot: 12am -6am. I’ve had a wonderful time here and I feel I’ve really learned a lot in these past 6 years.
Jack: Really? A lot? I’ve been here nearly 20 years and I have yet to meet someone I cared so little about…
Carrie: Thank you, Jack. It is a great opportunity. I can’t wait to put all of my experience to use…
Jack: Filling low-cut sweaters? Typing less than 20 words per minute? Mispronouncing “Internet”?
Carrie: I know, Jack. I’m very excited. I don’t think I’ve heard a word you’ve said, but that’s kind of how I made it through the last six years…
Jack: Do we have a six-second delay? Jason? We do? I’d like to do a lot of swearing. Better get your trigger finger on the bleeper…
Carrie: Well, goodnight from all of us. Enjoy your evening and the waning moments of your life, as you and Jack “enjoy” each other’s company. I. Am. Outtahere!
Jack: [bleep][bleeping] whorish [bleeping][bleeper] pimping knives and collector’s plates to [bleep] morons with no [bleeping] lives. I’d pay to [bleep] in your mouth, you [bleep][bleeping] waste of oxygen. Go [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]
Fade to logo, theme music up.
Brilliant!
Why is it that this exchange made me think of all of the comments that are probably sitting in Alpo’s spam folder waiting patiently to be approved.
Have a good vacation.
Hey, baby…
Come here often? I couldn’t help but notice your link is broken. Let’s see if I can fix that…
Your latest post is too cute for words and contains three of my favorite things…
http://tetramaster.wordpress.com/2009/08/05/lion-tamer-and-cubs/
(By the way, Alan specifically stated that I fill up his comment threads with spam, seeing as Yuri has been pimping his Viagra elsewhere. And by “specifically,” I mean he didn’t “specifically” tell me not to.)
I can’t believe you referred to http://tetramaster.wordpress.com/2009/08/05/lion-tamer-and-cubs/
and spam in the same comment. I hope Mrs CLT smacks you for that one.
I hope so, too!
Have a great break Mr Alan. Enjoy your time off! 🙂 Just make sure you come back … preferably without strangling anyone.
What the hell did I miss?!?!?
Summer maybe?
dave
Hey you’re not pullin’ a Ramblin’ Rooster and you’ll really be back in two days are ya? Please tell me you’ll be spending this time off to stalk Carlita proper like… (have a nice vacation).
I’m sure “pulling a Rooster” is a euphemism for something, but I’ll be damned if I can think of what…
I bet you can really, go on, tell us….
In honor of the newly minted “Hamish Strangler,” here are The Stranglers, performing two of my favorites:
Skin Deep
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu4Aj2JMwCI%5D
(Get a) Grip (on Yourself)
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jGqx3sqq-4%5D
In honor of the newly minted “Hamish Strangler,” here are The Stranglers, performing two of my favorites:
Skin Deep
(Get a) Grip (on Yourself)
D’oh! Way to embed, noob!!!1!
Too bad you didn’t have a half-wit brother to watch YOUR blog while you’re on vacation… What comes around goes around!
That’s ok, see the love above. So many people coming to keep Sick Days alive until Alan returns to claim it.
What do you mean IF he returns to claim it?
He WILL I tell you! He will return!
object width=”445″ height=”364″>
25/24, count down going well.
New Subject for discussion.
Should merkins be available on the NHS in UK?
dave
(was known as elpresgod but someone took umbridge!!)
Without umbridge in place by his master’s side, elpresgod is having trouble keeping up with his presidential/godly duties.
Lost:
Umbridge is a small mixed breed animal of unknown origins. It is generally friendly and answers to “Umbridge,” “Huffy” and occasionally, Umbrage.
When not providing shade for other forest animals of a more determinate nature, Umbridge may also be found wandering the halls of the local magic private school, generally being unpleasant and answering to the name “Dolores.”
A reward of a brand new merkin is offered, provided free of charge by your fellow citizens’ paychecks in conjunction with the NHS. While this may seem to be an unnecessary and purely cosmetic item, an obsure ruling by the 1721 Parliament allows for public purchase of private gear.
To wit:
“…[in] which the defendant, Alice “Cherry Pepsi” Wharton has appeared in publick, with a shaven or balding pubis, much to the consternation and fascination of the local constables and passing schoolchildren.
To prevent further explorations and mockeries, Ms. Wharton has been ordered to make hidden her shame behind the fullest merkin allowed in this township. Comparable merkins may be viewed for 2p. around the back entrance of Ewan’s Royal Pub.
Ewan’s Royal Pub, serving the finest in ales, lagers and tapeworms since 1656. Come experience the finest in ‘old tyme’ drinking and whore chasing at Ewan’s.
Remember, the ‘e’ is silent. And invisible.”
The Firkin Merkin was already a very old public house in the Royal Borough of Windsor, Berkshire, England, when I was just a lad.
Founded on the express directions of King George The Third, the mad king, it was where he was taken at night, under escort, for the imbibing of the only mixture known to soothe his ravings, Nell’s Nobbler.
This was a near lethal concoction of mead, thames river water and hooch brewed from the sweepings off the Royal Stables floor when the horses were finished with it.
A pint of nobbler was reputed to lay most folk out for 12 hours and leave them blind in one eye for days (this is actually how Nelson went visually impaired but the truth has been suppressed for decades.)
However, KG3 would need at least a quart to be able to sit down at all, and another flaggon for sleep.
Which goes to show why his biological descendents in the Royal House of Windsor still frequent the place, as the only way to cope with the plebs elected leaders such as MaggieT, Tony Bliar and, now, Dour Gordon.
Actually chaps, there is a small enclave of the USA in Windsor Park at Runnymede at the Magna Carta memorial site.
Just edoocaytin y’all
I so did NOT take umbridge. What the hell is umbridge? Just kidding. I know what it is. I just didn’t take it. FINE THEN! I’ll put the damn umbridge back.
You can certainly be ElPresGod Dave.
Umbridge is a stop on the Piccadilly line, where they taped ‘The Archers’ , a prorgam for dyslexics…
I loved how the narrative ran backwards, like a homage to “Memento.” Plus the end credits were a treat to decipher. Sort of like reading Hebrew in English.
I’M HAVIN’ WITHDRAWAL!!
May I recommend a good strong cup of tea, milk and sugar as desired, then a long walk followed by a rub down with a wire brush.
This is a fool proof method of taking your mind of anything!
dave
PS I had to use it yesterday
Thanks, Dave… I’m trying to hold on. Tea is good, “Long Island” iced tea is better, hahaha,
It’s gonna be a LONG month…
SP 🙂
Had to… or wanted to?
With the inside of my mind, I have to purchase a new wire brush every 3 months.
I’m not even surprised. I tried to be… I failed.
Well have fun on your break, and if you do want to strangle someone remember, Trudy is there…
yeah this post makes me think i wanna do a little vacation myself, the water looks so relaxing…hope youre having fun.
I never thought I’d say this, but I really miss Anal.. I mean Alpo. Um Alan. yeah that’s his name.. Alan. I really miss Alan.
So do we all ma’am!
BTW, umbridge can be found at;
http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Dolores_Umbridge
teehee
I don’t know if I’m more concerned that
A) There’s a Harry Potter Wiki
B) You actually recalled that and linked it for me
C) You called me Ma’am
teehee
A I have to visit to check stuff that others quote ‘cos;
B I have never read the stuff myself, it was a blind shot on google to distrcat from my previous spelling cockup.
C Aren’t you?
dave
A) yeah um ok
B) I wasn’t going to point out the spelling cockup (cockup?) CLT beat me to it in a roundabout way
C) Depends on who you ask. One man’s ma’am is another’s bitch.
Look… you buggers can take all the umbrage you want. Go on, take it! What do I care, I’ve got a garden shed full of the damn stuff, and the recipe to make more if I can still get hold of the ingredients.
Just don’t go taking offence, or my dog will escape.
(sorry)
I’ve had enough umbrage and umbridge from ElPresGod Dave to last me through the month. Guilt works on me every time.
Now this offence you speak of… is it wood? Chain link? Brick?
If it were brick, it would be Oh, all.
Oh man……no more Sick Days?
At least he was kind enough to inform his loyal and semi-twisted readers that he was a taking a month long vacation.
Hope he comes back safe and sound; in one piece; and certainly no mysterious envelopes left in his cube with grainy photographs.
As a member of the Truly Sickies, I suggest we hold a protest at Hamish Industries until Alan comes back. We could all chain ourselves to his desk.
ElPres of TS agrees with the proposal from TS member CC but has one question, well two actually.
How big is the lad’s cubicle? Can we fit all the TS’s into it?
If so, then he has a far bigger work space than my whole house!
dave
His cubicle is measured in handwidths and cubits, so I’m not sure if these dimensions will make any sense in English:
41 x hex8 x 160-2.
It looks big enough, I suppose. We’ll probably have to leave our links and avatars behind to fit in all at once. And then we’ll have to take turns breathing.
On the bright side, there’s plenty of pencils.
His cubicle consists of two large pieces of cardboard taped to a door sitting on a pair of two drawer filing cabinets. We may have to stack up on top of each other to fit.
Right ho, got that, bit on the small side then, as I suspected. May I suggest that we meet in the Hamish Ind car park at 1300 local time to…. um, good point, WTF is it?
Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting, even though we have been left in the dust as Alan sped off without even giving US a second thought!
I’m enjoying reading all your stuff – even if I don’t connect to the meanings, I’m connecting to all ya all! Keep posting until Alan returns all tan and rested – acting like nothing happened…
Sally P 😦
His departure was very sudden wasn’t it?
I’m starting to wonder if there wasn’t a woman involved. Has anyone checked lately to see if Carlita took a month of work as well?
OMG, I never thought of that?? could he be THAT lucky? 🙂
Her first stop was at the Sheriff’s Dept. for a restraining order.
On himself?
Well, at this point you’re getting metaphysical and…
I don’t know how to finish this sentence.
Oops I misread her for him, or was it viceversa.
once again, bottom of the queue . . . *sigh*
enjoy your holiday.
G
Please check the time. It is exactly 3am est.
I have asked about the time as well, Bearman. It’s something about sending from Greenwich meridian time (GMT). Of course had he NOT GONE OFF ON VACATION he’d be here to explain himself!!
(Sorry to yell, but I’m still in WITHDRAWAL…)
🙂
PS: As I post, it’s 11:45 in New Jersey (EDT). 🙂
Have you really tried the therapy described above? All of it, including the wire brush?
Thanks Dave, you made me laugh out loud today!! 🙂
I’m on GMT (its currently 12:08) and the times wrong 😦
hhmmmm looknig at the time zones, Alans either working in Iceland, the Western Sahara, a nuclear-armed-steam powered submarine in the middle of the north Atlantic ocean or the Canary Islands
I know where I’d want to be if I was Alan…
Canaries I assume?
Lovely place, stopped by a few times off cruise ships for the day. Had a hell of a fire recently, possibly alpo helping typhoid to burn the pencils up?
Oh Dave, you are always giving Alan the benefit of the doubt…
Do they have any industry on the Canaries? All I’ve ever seen of them is those huge stone statues staring off into the ocean. I vote Iceland for him… 🙂
Er, far be it from me to be a smartarse any more than I usually am, but did you mean Easter Isalnd as at;
http://www.tripadvisor.com/LocationPhotos-g316040-Easter_Island.html
Oops, wrong set of Islands…
Sorry 🙂
BIG sigh here.
All I can say is:
ALAN COME HOME, all is forgiven…
BTW Dave,
I am a huge fan of the British Royalty as an historical subject of my time. I have a large collection of books (remember them) on most of the cast of characters in question. I am mostly into the older members of the Firm; the Queen, her mum, Princess Margaret, and even Charles and Anne to a lesser extent. I write this because from reading your prior posts, you seem to share this interest – although you tend to more closely identify with Mad King George perhaps?? (Joking…)
I was really born and bred in Windsor and have met a couple of the RF in my time. However, rather than desecrate Alan’s blog anymore, leave me a contact at my main blog via the link and I will tell all… well some… ok a couple of anecdotes at a push.
Okay Dave,
I must be really dence here, but I went into your blog and couldn’t find any place to leave you a message??
Any suggestions??
🙂
Nope you ain’t dence, I meant to say private message at blogcatalog and as soon as I posted this original I knew my error, but as the AT man is absent I couldn’t get it changed, FFS!
My blog at;
http://davehambo.blogspot.com/
has fully moderated comments, so either there or my home page at blogcatalog;
http://www.blogcatalog.com/user/davehambo
Sorry for all the confusion.
dave
Me thinks this will take the return of AT to reset his blog timer, a minor matter when you are facing court for violent assault!
The blog timer is essential if we are to follow FJ’s rulebook in regards to Riff Status and such…
I love that comment. One of my all time favorites.
LOSTL!
Take some wonderful time off Alan. You deserve it from all that argumentative rubbish that Nutless Tom put you through.
Take it and see the sights of the world! HOORAY!
Bob
you still gone?? i’m so jealous!
Most of us are getting desperate, jealousy went last week.
I make it 18/17 to endure.
Oh, I’ve got it!
We need a poll as to what date HE shall return!
I think September 4 should see his tan and well-rested ass back in print!
Anyone else care to poll here??
That would be logical, one calendar month from the day he abandoned us to our own evil ways with his blog, poor sod! I at least am for a very high jump when he does deign to reclaim this space.
But did he mean lunar month,4 weeks, 28 days, in which case Tuesday 1 September looks good.
Or was ” I’ll be taking the next month off” (recall this bit, up the top of the page, just below the cool doggie mug shot) meant to be the whole of September, in which case he is sitting in his orrifice pissing himself at our sad plight and planning a corking response.
My stated 18/17 is to bring him back on Monday 31 August, assuming that is not a bankholiday in Hamish Land, and allowing for the huge times zones that this blog crosses.
Point Taken!
“…he is sitting in his orifice pissing himself at our sad plight and planning a corking response…” Indeed!!
Ya know the lad well, Mr Dave! Hahaha 🙂
Dave,
I left you a message a few posts back (up the page)
🙂
My reply is stuck in comment moderation which may take some time!
Sorry for any grief.
If you go to my bloglink from here, scroll down to the link on left to ‘My short stories, hambos fiction’ link. All comments there are fully moderated and you can leave a link which will never see the light of day elsewhere, I promise!
dave
OMG, a comment has gone from moderation to published. The bastard AT is out there and watching us mess up his blog!
Where’s the postcard you promised?
When are you back, exactly?
Signed… The unelected leader of your most grovelling and obedient readership
Fortunately for himself, Alan locked up all the editing tools before he vanished himself away.
Imagine the trouble a bunch of bored, desperate and miguidedly loyal readers could do with a couple of templates and a tad of CSS editing…
It boggles the mind. Mine anyway.
So, he had enough sense to only give the inmates the feeling they were running the asylum. It works for us and leaves him (and his site) relatively unscathed.
For now.
We could
always
start
with the HTML tags UNTIL THE THREAD is completely unprettified.
We can also fill the comment sections with smileys since I totally SUCK at HTML. The following is a test. It may come out as total gobbeldy gook, but since Alan’s not here to tell me not to, I might as well practice.
🙂 🙂 🙂
😀 😀 😀
😦 😦 😦
😮 😮 😮
😯 😯 😯
😕 😕 😕
8) 😎 😎
😡 😡 😡
😛 😛 😛
😐 😐 😐
😉 😉 😉
😆
😳
😥
👿
😈
🙄
❗
❓
💡
➡
WOOHOO! Success!
A work of art, ma’am!
Why Thank you, Sir!
Wow. It looks like a family reunion (possibly in a courtroom) of all of Yuri the Viagara Pusher’s illegitimate children.
have a lovely time off, (if you can read this, otherwise, i hope you had a lovely time)
Has it really only been nine days? It feels like so much longer. This is terrible!
I have passed the shock, and the denial, now I am moving into anger! How dare tiny-testicle Alan leave us here – hanging, awaiting his return? Yes, I did write, “Tiny testicle!” I figure that will crush him!! But, he didn’t even give us any notice!!
Am I being too hard on him here?
Has it only been 9 days?
Whoa is me…
Sob, sob, sob
Is that you, Keanu?
I believe “Whoa is me” was used by young Mr. Reeves in McG’s “Hamlet.”
XX “woe”
We’re at 132 comments right now and not one of them belong to Anal.
Typically, he would respond to every one of our posts because he adores us.
Don’t wander off yet. Stick with me here…
So, if he had been here, we would be at 264 comments which would make this the longest string of comments on one of his blogs to date. YAY US!
So, who really needs Alan anyway? We can run his blog without him.
Except we do need a new funny doggy picture at the top of the blog every few days. And a nice little Hamish Industries story to go with it. I don’t think any of us can quite pull that off the way he can.
And it would be nice to see his puppy face on our blogs. And the way he drools when he’s responding here.
Fine.
We need him.
Well done to all of the TS for this supreme effort.
And here is another;
Love the musical interlude ElPresGod. you can never go wrong with the Supremes
And if you consider Alan’s multiple personalities that would occasionally join the fray, we could possibly be sitting in the 500-700 comment mark.
We also need his “little puppy face” for coordinating the published writer’s favorite game, “Throw the Bottle.”
Of course Sir Genius, I hadn’t taken into consideration his alter ego’s. He likes being involved. I’m wondering if he will come back and take a whole weekend just to reply to all of the comments, or if he will ignore this post altogether so he can post a new thread like this never happened?
The game is “swing the bottle”. I never actually let go of it because then someone might throw it back!
FYI Alan…Kiwanis just aren’t as funny when you aren’t around.
(trust me, I saw them live at Yuk-Yuks last night)
Right now, I am shopping for a punching bag on which I shall paint Alan’s face!
Oh, wait – I don’t know what he looks like?? Any suggestions out there??
Please hurry, I don’t want to lose my anger and move into the next phase of this disaster – Alan leaving ME…
Print off the top of the page and tape his picture ot the punching bag Sally. Your anger is justified! How dare he leave you!
Yes, yes. Excellent idea Clair!!
I hear your pain, gf :!
K-Pow, take THAT, Mr Alan!!
Everyone else goes on blog-break vacations, I get swine flu. My life sucks.
Have a marvellous time. Avoid all swine.
I’m thinking that Alan is becoming the biggest Swine of all, womaninblack!! Takin off
Guess I am a bit ambivalent towards him right now!~!
Poor Womaninblack! I hope you feel better! Avoid the swine at all costs!
Sally, Keep practicing your swing for when he returns. Also , I expect ElPresGod Dave to return soon to tell us how many days of torture we have remaining.
Well how de do, someone mentioned my name?
The idea of a punchbag to extract frustration on is psychobaably correct, damn good fun and if properly manufactured and marketed might generate enough dosh for alpo to settle the fine he will get for bar (or was it bra) mauling.
BTW I make it 14/13 to go. Will we make 300 posts by then?
elpresgod
I think we can hit 300 Dave. A nice little present for Alpo to come home to. What do you think? Can we do it? I’m throwing the challenge out to everyone.
Proper comments though, no one word crap, we have standards in TS.
Well there went my plan out the window.
Can I write two word crap?
Most certainly, rhyming couplets?
300 sound about right, elpresgod!
And, I think that Alan should answer EVERY post upon his return – thanking us profoundly for our undying devotion, and all that other crap, huh Claire?
But, we shall require other voices as well!
Let’s “Fill ‘er Up,” guys!! (Sexless meaning, of course…)
😆 Yes Sally, I agree that Alan should answer every post thanking us for all of our crap that we’re dishing out in his absence!
I’m not completely sure, but I think I might have had an Alan sighting this past week. I’m just trying to figure out what he might have been doing at Dollywood dressed as a train engineer, ringing a bell and going “Woo, woooo! Chugga-chugga-chugga, woo, wooo!” It was kind of embarrassing that he wasn’t anywhere near the steam locomotive that runs through Dollywood. Instead he was just standing near the corndog stand with a tiny bit of mustard on the corner of his mouth, ringing his bell. Then again…maybe it wasn’t our Alan after all. It must have been some other dog faced guy wearing an engineers hat. Yeah, that’s gotta be it. I don’t think Alan even likes mustard.
Anyone else have any Alan sightings? Maybe we can narrow down where he’s been this month.
ROTFLMAO! Good one, Spuddy!!
OMG Spuddy! That has to be our Alan. How many other dog fraced guys would be hanging around Dollywood wearing an engineer’s hat and pretending he had a train. Then again, I guess it may just be a coincidense.
Last I saw of him, he had talked several people into forming a “train” behind him, by putting their hands on the waist of the person in front of them. He was tooting on a wooden train whistle, ringing his bell and shouting for someone to come be his caboose.
I don’t know….if it was Alan, maybe a month vacation won’t be long enough.
Several people, eh? That does sound like him. Every one of his posts manages to get several people to fall into a disorderly line, and, on especially good days, several volunteers for the caboose spot.
OMG, my side is hurting I am laughing so hard here… Just that picture of Alan in Dollywood is pee-your-pants, funny!
Spuddy wins the virtual award for the first, possible, confirmed sighting of AT on holiday. No need for a photos, the verbal description is horrifying enough.
To collect your award, speak to AT when he gets back.
And as for a naline moment, they don’t get any weird / better / mindblowing than;
teehee
I swear, that was Alan in the background…
No, not that one…
Snow White.
I think he might accept that as a compliment you know CC.
He’s been known to sport a tutu and flounce all over. I’m sure he will find it complimentary.
Jesus, Dave. That scared the urine right out of me. And that… thing… in the background? Sweet something… of… someplace…
I’ve seen it before…
Now that is awesome doppelganger!
CLT, your memory banks are in good working order!
dave
Yes. And now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. And I’m the one that hunted the clip down. Way to go, me.
Pleasant dreams, y’all. When the kids start pestering you about the Easter Bunny, just show ’em this.
Then you can take all the money you’re saving by not buying chocolate and baskets and whatnot and put it directly into the shrink fund.
Sleep well without Roger the rabbit invading.
I like the monet saving advice BTW.
Maybe I meant money, who knows maybe a Monet would be a good investment?
Wow CLT. where the hell do you find this shit?
I’ve played that game.
Silent Hill 3 had a few of those blood-stained mascot bunnies kind of laying around in the background for atmosphere.
Someone else took some sort of software mod and made that video.
And say all you want about young kids shooting hookers in the face in Grand Theft Auto. I’d be much more concerned if they were gathered around the set for a round of “Silent Hill.”
For instance: my favorite game in the series is “Silent Hill 2,” whose story begins with the main character receiving a letter from his wife, who has been dead for three years, summoning him to their “special place.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_Hill_2
This special place is Silent Hill, a town that is eternally shrouded in fog and infested with bizarre creatures. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the town often “shifts” and turns into a nightmarish hell-like mirror image of itself, where tile floors are replaced with rusted steel grating and everything is decaying and/or covered with bizarre drawings or messages and there are mangled bodies splayed in various tortured positions.
The story’s other characters include a sexed-up doppelganger of his dead wife, a possible serial killer, a mysterious child who hints at molestation in her past and various twisted/malformed creatures that seek to kill him.
Through it all, you are handicapped by long stretches where your flashlight provides the only illumination, your pocket radio which only emits bursts of static to warn you of monsters in the area and a constantly shifting cartography which makes you pay for any items you forgot to pick up the first time through.
You also begin to get the feeling that you killed your wife, who was suffering from a terminal disease, out of resentment/sexual frustration.
There are several endings to the game, none of them happy.
Now… for most people game=fun. This is generally true for me as well. However, the first two games of the series were particularly well-made with incredibly good stories.
I played the first one straight thru. The series is known for its brutally effective soundtrack. Bangs, clunks, chains rattling/dragging, doors slamming, crying the distance, disembodied voices, the endless bursts of static.
The sound design alone ensured that music was ruined for me at night for about 3 months. Everything sounded too eerie to be played when all the lights were out.
The second game was even more intense, to the point that I put the game down for about 3 weeks before finishing it.
I liked the story and the atmosphere, but after a couple weeks of playing the game, it got to me. The oppressive air, the ethereal sounds, the combination of dread and curiosity that made me tense up every time I opened a door.
I thought, “I’m playing this to enjoy myself, right?” But I wasn’t.
After some time off, I went back and blew right through it until the end.
It was worth it.
A powerful example of why games should be taken seriously. As close to art as anything I’ve ever played.
Anyway… how’s everybody’s evening going?
My favorite game is Spyro the Dragon
Hahahahahahahaha!!!
Give me 350 words why.
😉
😆
Seriously, it is. We bought a Playstation when the older boys were little and Spyro came with it. I’d play with them and they’d wander off and I’d keep playing. Since then, they’ve moved on to WII, XBOX, PSP, Nintendo DS, etc. etc. I don’t think there’s a system made they haven’t owned, but they grew out of the stage where I play video games with them. Spyro was cute and I liked making him fly and shoot fire. I’m easy to please.
I traded in video games for blogging.
My kids love the little firebreather as well.
I’ve traded video games for money or more video games. My video game time is pretty limited at this point, and I swear to god that I should probably outgrow it, but I still run into something that I absolutely have to run out and spend $60 every few months.
The latest was Fallout 3.
I am not surprised that I have so much in common with 3 and 5 year olds.
A fascinating insight into an aspect of gaming, guilty adults enjoying it!
It’s official! I have now wet my pants with laughter…guys…
I believe our mission here is done.
Oh wait, can’t stop now, we haven’t hit 300 yet. Sally, I will ship you depends right away so you can hang in there.
Ooh, ooh, pls hurry Claire! You know the guys will be back in force tomorrow – while you-know-who lolls on some beach outside of Dollyland 🙂 Oh the stories he will have to tell…
Can you imagine how rough this Alan separation would be without the regulars here keeping the fires burning?
Wow, things took a serious turn since I last stopped in.
I see ‘Alpo’ stuck.
I’m still sad, it seems like FOREVER since Alpo announced his vacation. This sucks, if I was his kid, I’d call in protective services right now lol.
Just kidding of course, because kids from my understanding would love to stay at home alone and par-tay
On a lighter note, quite possibly the worst music video ever:
Yep, that is godawful great.
LMAO, this video should not have happened in the year of, 2008! And no way he’d get a girl like that.
Wait, maybe in a trailer parkWe should called BPS – Blogger Protective Services since we’ve all been abandoned and we’re too addicted to be able to entertain ourselves!
Where’s Sally? Alan’s in trouble now!
This took a bit of finding, hope you other Dependents enjoy…
I love the muppets. Dave, What am I going to do with you and your co-dependence?
I note with concern the common letters between the 2 subjects this blog has descended to whilst we fight off the enemies; apathy, despair, rejection and dejection induced by alpo f7ck8ng off for his seemingly self awarded hols.
co-dependence
Depends
The implied reliance on exterior reassurance, as in alpo and his magic for our minds, and large wads of absorbent tissue for our pudenda, is an allegory for the human condition.
We need each other, SO GET BACK HERE YOU B’TARD and start writing.
I am lying on my couch, arm flung over my forehead, sighing a lot – waiting, for his return. Sigh…
How many days left again??
Aww, Sally cheer up sweetie. I think we need to be more proactive and go looking for him! Who’d of thought I’d have a possible sighting of him at Dollywood?? We know Alan well enough to try and figure out where else he might go during his vacation. He wasn’t exactly blending in with the crowd in Pigeon Forge, so I’m thinking that I’ll head to the National Zoo in nearby Washington, D.C. and keep an eye out for him there. I think he’s steering clear of Florida because that’s where Clark is and well, that group over in Clearwater. Do you have some places of interest near you that you could check? If nothing else it would get you off the couch. Come on, up and at ’em. You can do it!
Okay, Spuddy me buddy.
It’s hot…
I’m depressed…
But, I’ll look anyway.
I’ve not got a car, and live in the rural city, but I can get to
Walgreen’s Drug Store.
Think I’ll have a sighting there??
It COULD happen…
If not, I can always get a pop there…
🙂
PS: And some Depends if necessary, hahaha.
Hang in there gal, only 13/12 to survive, at the longest, we hope to heaven below and hell above.
BTW, what is a Depend? You and CC mention them.
A large herbal calming vegetarian extract of someut?
Hi Dave,
You ask: BTW, what is a Depend?
Claire, I’m giving that one to YOU!
But, I am also rolling on the floor laughing, so in that sense, FABULOUS question!!
🙂
I’ve just googled it to find that you were taking the piss…
Grown up diapers Dave. She keeps peeing herself because you guys are making her laugh too hard!
As for Alan. I heard he was seen at several hotels in Omaha trying to locate a room for the night. However, given his recent antics in Omaha with Clark and Otto, the entire city has his photo posted with warnings not to allow him on the premises. Whether he was alone or not is still in question.
Some eyewitness sightings place a dark italian type woman with him while others believe the woman to be more of scottish origin.
“Oh matron…”
“…how I miss thee.”
(Sorry, I had to spread this comment out over two posts so I could be the 200th commenter. That’s the way I roll…).
I wondered who would, and proper comments to boot.
Thankyou bschooled for the quote from Shakespeare…
Your welcome Dave!
Since Alan’s been gone, Shakespeare has become my new shtick…:)
I like your new schtick, bschooled. Beats the hell out of that crack pipe you fashioned from an old pan flute.
That was always Zamfir’s secret shame. That and his continuous sucking. Oh, and the time he had to have Kenny G’s best reed (and the rest of his sax) removed from his lower intestine.
Kenny G was not available for comment, as he was busy practicing “not breathing” and would not be free for a few hours.
I told him to “try for forever” and hung up.
CLT, are you the reason Kenny G suddenly went into hiding? I mean no one has seen hide nor hair (always wanted to say that) of him since his last album, “The Best O’ Kenny G”, was met with apathetically-indifferent reviews.
The worst part about it is that since then, plastic pad resonators sales have gone down around 60%. (then again, it’s not like they’d been doing all that great since Charlie “The Bird” Parker passed on anyway)
Apparently people claim to see the ghost of Kenny G’s head, floating in a photo that was taken on-set of the movie “Three Men and a Baby”.
Here’s the pic: http://music.tonnel.ru/music/227407650_227407650forumtonnel.gif
Either way, it’s too bad. I mean, seriously…the man had tendrils to die for.
Awesome photo, bschooled!
He must be shopping at ThinkGeek or something for that wicked lunchbox and a doormat that says “GRAVITY.”
He seems unsure as to what to do with either item. Lunchbox=armrest? OK. But doormat in the center of the room? WTF, indeed.
Nice tendrils. It makes you wonder whether they wander the house by themselves when he’s asleep, opening the cupboards or dipping his toothbrush into the toilet…
Ha!
I always thought of his tendrils as “The Elongated Slinkies of Instrumental-Mediocrity”.
But I like your musings better.
Kenny G’s 1986 album “The Elongated Slinkies of Instrumental-Mediocrity” was an attempt by the wispy-haired “artist” to break free of the R&B-inflected jazz-lite corner that he had blown himself into.
Citing influences as far-reaching as Styx, Tuvalu Throat Singers and John Cage’s “found-sound” collages, Kenny G’s concept album centers on the collapse of a dystopian society.
This society, dubbed “the Slinkies”, has reverted to feral behavior, often breaking up moments of humdrum anarchy with some exciting on-foot chases through dark alleys full of trash bins, cardboard boxes and the occasional fruit cart.
By the third track, “Saxing You Up with My Wet Reed,” G has introduced us to the main character, Kenneth, a misunderstood youth whose love of music and worship of Egyptian sun god Anubis, has caused him to be beaten mercilessly on the dystopian schoolyard and cost him a small fortune in perm repairs.
As the album winds its way on, we are introduced to several other forgettable characters, none more forgettable than “Kenneth’s” mentor and sole companion, what’s-his-ass… the guy with the beard.
By juxtaposing his skillful blowing with bursts of atonal noise and melodic 70’s prog rock, G manages to build an elegant half-assery that goes nowhere fast, much like elephants fucking, only noisier.
By the penultimate track, “Requiem for Mr. Roboto,” even G himself sounds bored with the conceit and holds an A-flat for nearly 7 minutes of the 9 minute running time, causing Sting to interrupt his masturbatory zen lovemaking and check to see if Kenny is still breathing.
After exchanging pointers on circular breathing, Kama Sutra positions and blowing techniques, Kenny brings the album to a close with the 11-minute monstrosity “Slinking Tenderly into That Mediocre Night,” in which new partner Sting offers some bland, but strangely popular bass-playing and reggae-esque scatting.
allmusic.com gives it -3 out of 4 stars, thus breaking their careful coding and allowing the /b/ board at 4chan to rush in and urinate on the walls.
Wow, a CLT post that I can understand!
Just wish I had some scalp hair left and pubes that weren’t mostly grey.
Your background knowledge of musical non-icons baffles me, CLT.
The only thing that left me with more questions than answers (in a non-threatening, adult-contemporary genre, of course), is when you made a fleeting reference to his forgettable life-long guru…you know, the guy with the beard.
Based on what I was told, this seemingly unremarkable man with the follically-gifted chin (is folically a word?), single-handedly (both hands when he was playing the sax) changed the way the world looked at “easy-listening mainstream riffs”. (and when I say “the world”, I mean his parents, who as a young child, were his world)
But unfortunately (as we see all too often with musical non-descripts like this), one day he decided to throw all caution to the wind, and go for the “clean-shaven” look. Huge mistake. He ended up losing all of his “sax appeal” and was soon forgotten…much like his grasshopper, Kenny G.
But instead of donning on a coordinated white outfit and trying to pass himself off as a part of the wall, he slowly began to withdraw…retreating from the public eye and eventually blending his way back into the woodwind.
Quite sad, really.
Thanks, bschooled.
It’s not really knowledge so much as it is “making shit up.”
I really wish we could pin down this elusive beard-guy. You have provided some interesting and humorous clues, but we are no closer to a name then we were two nights ago.
Elpresgod Dave has let us know his hair situation, in greater detail than needed, but it only serves to rule him out.
Gandalf comes to mind, and then quickly leaves, pursued by nerdly autograph seekers.
Kudos on your detective work and rampant speculation. I particularly love the line “blending his way back into the woodwind.”
Thank-you for empowering me with such an important task, CLT, I won’t let you (or Alan….or my country for that matter) down.
And since I’ve already excluded Santa and that actor who starred in “The Life and times of Grizzly Adams”, it’s only a matter of time before this sixty-four dollar question is solved…
We’ve broken the “200” post number, as Alan has broken us…
When I think of him, and his bimbo’s in Omaha, it makes me weep…
(Weep sounding so much more dramatic than cry…)
Never-the-less, my eyes fill as I type – missing HIM so very much 😦
Thankfully, you guys are here for support…
Sally, I have an orange Popsicle I’ll share with you if you think it will make you feel better. Then if want I’ll help you make up some “Lost, strayed or stolen” posters of Alan that we can put up over at the Walgreens and on the telephone poles. Someone must have seen him somewhere. How many dog-faced guys are there? Hey, I just had a thought…has anybody checked their local animal shelter? Maybe someone has already brought him in and they are checking to see if he’s been micro-chipped or tattooed on his inner thigh.
Spuddy, et al.,
I swear to God, I looked out my front window this afternoon and saw a Beagle dog running loose down the block! I shouted out, “Alan, Alan!” But he never even turned his head… I think that dog was chasing a female in heat, hence it COULD have been our manm huh??
And, it’s hot too…
😦
PS: A popsicle sounds yummy,ummmmm…
XX MAN (don’t know how to correct here, mumble, mumble…)
Spuddy, you are SO smart! Why didn’t the rest of us think of checking the animal shelters? We’re just so blinded by our mourning.
Good news, another sighting…
Alpo seems to have put on a bit of weight whilst on hols, like all of us…
That chunky monkey(okay, dog) was actually cute, Mr Dave!!
Thank you!! 🙂
Great capture, elpresgod. It’s nice to know that you can still turn out an old dog for new tricks.
I don’t think he’s coming back 😦
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
He HAS to return!
I’m back on the couch…
sigh…
Hi Me! *Chortle*
Geez Me, do you, me, know how long we have been working to cheer she, Sally, up?
I’m disappointed in Me’s negativity and now it’s me’s turn to cheer Sally up!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset anyone, I just miss Alpo so much 😥 I’m sure he’ll be back soon, just fell asleep by the pool that’s it of course!
I imagine he’s dreaming of us all running and skipping gayly in a field, no? Just me? ok then.
Sally, I would buy…you…er…dinner but I…Er… Nerk!
Sally’s in a sensitive place, Me. I think dinner is a good start.
You nerker you… or is that me nerker me?
Ha! You crack me up. Or maybe I crack me up? Is me all Me’s cracked up to be?
Crap, I think I’m cracking up! Maybe it’s just me?
If you opt to view at Youtube and scroll down to read the comment section, all 4000+, there are some awfully unpleasant people out there!
Take heart ‘me’ an sallyp and many others, only 11/10, nearly into single figures, what you like me to do it hours, go quicker?
We can do hours in the last week, Dave!
Goodluck on ur vacation. Can’t blame u for the choking incident. Will miss u and ur post 🙂
Guys!!!
He did say the next “Month” off. Presumably, that’s 30 days or more. Or at least until early September. Give him some time to breath already!
Don’t get your pantyhose in a knot. Unless you’re fat, in which case I’d rather not think about it.
Another Alpo sighting as he and Clark have a reunion in Florida;
OMG I love that dog. I want him and his toy both. Even the baby can play. That’s great. Clark and Alan. Brilliant Dave!
And a possible sighting in his home town;
teehee and thanks to duncanr at madhatters for that one.
In other words alpo, fire the bile at him, not me…
His being gone has been a welcome break from the constant projectile vomiting.
My advice, duncanr: get an umbrella. Or laminate yourself. It promises to be somewhat Gallagher-esque display of bile when he returns.
I KNOW that’s Alan with the small penis in the lobby! Don’t ask me how I know, I just do!
Now I feel better…
Thanks Dave, and the gang…
As a TS representative in good standing, I would like to officially ask “how you know.”
Yeah, come on sallyp, ‘fes up…
Sally got strangly quiet on that didn’t she?
You trying to drop me in it, Dave ? 😉
I’d like you (and a few others) with me when we have to account for ourselves for our behaviour to ‘IM.
This is what happens when you leave for a whole month and forget to lock the door on your blog. You never know who’s going to stop in and trash the place.
Leave your blog unprotected and suffer the consequences, Alan!
But the trash has been of pretty fair quality, IMHO (which it can’t be as I’ve typed more than a few of the comments, without any permission IHTA).
Nowhere near as good as the proper subject of this blog, but we are passing the days well.
Note to self. Have big umbrella by desk for when…
I miss Yuri 😥
Stupid malfunctioning blog doors. Keeps locking out all the harmless spam and lets the inmates out (or rather, in… I guess).
To rephrase: Locks out the harmless spam and lets the outmates in.
More logical but means less. Just the way we like it.
Okay, Claire, Dave, Spuddy, and my other Sick(days) pals (JOKING),
It is VERY hot and humid where I live (mid-Atlantic state), and when it gets like, this I am very cranky! This coupled with ALAN abandoning ME, has turned cranky to evil, and I just enjoyed the insinuation that Alan is sporting a tiny penis – and thanks to Dave, now we all know it too!! It just felt good saying that here…you know? SIGH…
😦
PS: Our humidity is 94% and yet we have no rain…
Sally, I’m sitting here in a Mid-Atlantic state too (northern Virginia), trying to put up with the heat and humidity. But….we just had a lovely thunderstorm with lots of rain blow through, so maybe it’s headed over your way. It’s definitely cut the temperature down to something bearable. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get rained on soon!
Spuddy, I’m in Jersey!! We did get some rain last night, but not a whole lot… I have family in Virginia, so I well-know about the humidity in the DC area!! Hey, did they close your beaches down there??
Well, here’s to another hot ‘n humid Alanless day 🙂
Hang in guys…
A blast from the past with educational content, (or a dire warning about techno fiddling);
whilst this seems to be by one of his forebearers,
OR…con’t tomorrow 😕
It’s like 110 here 😦
Did you get any rain out of Bill?
Anyone out there?
I believe that wordpress has been pissing about.
Keep the faith folk, hours from Monday 24 August…
I lay upon my couch, arm flung over my forehead, sighing frequently. Even the regulars have abandoned ME – it’s all over for ME…
Good bye sweet Alan…
Oh, Dave, it that you??
My reprieve no doubt!!
I’m still here for ya Sally. I’m dealing with chemo treatments for my Mom and best friend, so I don’t always get to check in every day, but if I had one of those little cardboard fans I’d fan your face for you and bring you a cool cloth for your brow. There, there…he’ll be back….don’t worry. Not much longer now. Do you want that orange Popsicle I promised you? I’ll even wrap the popsicle stick with a paper towel so it won’t drip down your arms and stain your couch…your tongue maybe, but not your couch.
Spuddy, take care of your folks, 2 having chemo, or is mum your best friend?
Sally P, this may help pass the time, or not…
Unfortunately Dave, I’m making double trips to the oncology unit, both with my Mom (who is probably my dearest friend) and then again with my best friend, Pat. Her prognosis isn’t as encouraging as my Mom’s, but I’m trying to find something positive and fun every day to share with her. If ever there was a Pollyanna, I’m her. 🙂
The Bambi clip you offered was especially sweet, both for Sally and for me. Thanks
Holy Sh1te, spuddy!
Best to you in your endeavours and digits crossed for the victims.
Keep hanging in there.
dave
Thanks so much Dave. It definitely helps that my folks both have fabulous senses of humor and have passed that along to me. The day my Mom lost her hair, she said that my Dad called her Charlie Brown and was threatening to draw a pumpkin face on the back of her head.
Being one of the Truly Sickies brightens my day no end! 🙂 It’s so important to keep the smiles coming.
I can’t watch any part of Bambi without bawling big ole crocodile tears. I think I was just too young when I watched it the first time.
Spuddy, so sorry about your friend and your mom. I think coming to Sickdays is a great way to feel better. I know I always laugh when I come here too. 😆
Sally, I just have this image of you in the South, lying out on the veranda in a long white dress, fanning yourself and sipping on mint juleps while sighing dramatically.
“Oh my, it is just so darn warm out. I do believe I’m withering…”
Ah shucks Mr Dave, that was sweet… And, the little Bambi does remind me of Alan too… 🙂
Oh Spuddy,
I’m truly ashamed of myself, wallowing this way when you have real problems… I should be bringing YOU the popsicle…
((HUG)) for Mom, ((HUG)) for Pat!!
And lastly, ((HUG)) for Spuddy!!
Hang tough my friend 🙂
No worries Sally. Here in the sublime unreality of Alanland, I find my cares and woes aren’t allowed in because they don’t know the password, and I’m not telling them what it is. But I do thank you for the kind words and accept your hugs. 🙂
So feel free to swoon back against your fainting couch whenever the mention of Alan’s absence gives you the vapors. I’ll bring you some smelling salts or your popsicle…whichever will do you the most good.
An update from Alan Truitt:
This vaguely ominous email showed up in my inbox last night:
HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME STOP NO NEED TO ASK QUESTIONS I AM FINE AND BEING TREATED WELL STOP IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO 500,000 USD WOULD BE APPRECIATED STOP I WILL CONTACT FURTHER AS INSTRUCTED STOP PEACE OUT STOP
Hahahahahaha!!!! That crazy Alpo! What will he do next?
Unrelated note: if you haven’t tried Gmail you should. Apparently you are able to receive telegrams unlike many competing email services.
Fortunately for Alan (and for all of us), he didn’t mention the $500,000 in the subject line, or Gmail’s spam filter would have quieted his note away.
OMG, Alan’s in Nigeria!! Does he need the money for his release perchance??
I’m good for a buck or two…
We await your instructions, Capitalist Lion Tamer???
$5000,000?? We could hold a bake sale….jeez, that would be an awful lot of cupcakes to bake.
Too cheap for Nigeria, more chance Iceland methinks?
This update from an IM session:
AT: Sup?
CLT: Hey, Alan. R U alright?
AT: Did u get the $?
CLT: Well, yes and no. Mostly no.
AT: @#%$%!
CLT: Yr keyboard seems broken.
AT: #$#@%^^^^
CLT: ???
AT: (****_@@__++)
CLT: O RLY?
AT: $$$$?
CLT: some. $50 in change.
AT: man, that wont even buy an 8ball
CLT: so hows yr vacation?
AT: ok but needs more drukqs
CLT: so does life itself
AT: ah my icelandic hookup is here gotta run
CLT: ciao
AT: i’m swayze
(AT has signed off)
Raises more questions than it answers. Hurry back, Alan.
I think he’s sitting in his living room watching all of us sit out here and make fools of ourselves.
Okay Dave, how many days left and how many comments do we need to hit 300 before he returns?
I’m taking bets. How long do you guys think it will take him to read through all of the comments, and do you think he will respond to all of them?
Right all you TS.
I make it 35 comments to hit the 300 mark, and about 146 hours to wait for the explosion when he sits down at his desk at the equivalent of 0900hrs, next Monday 31 August 2009.
If he fails to show then…
So, keep the belief and the incisive wit flowing, it’s our only hope…
I can’t help but notice that this comment thread is beginning to drift like a rudderless ship. Without Capt. Al safely shepherding this craft thru the choppy waters and icebergs, the TSers have been wandering in and out, casually tossing out the baby with the liferafts.
And to continue this stretched metaphor, we can all pretend that it’s all ok, even as the water begins creeping past waist high, but we’re quickly running out of excuses for our mild panic. Shouting “But I’m a child at heart!” doesn’t really excuse the old lady trampling.
Should Alan decide to respond to all of these comments, god bless him. Some god. Any god. elpresgod, even.
On to 300. THIS! IS! SICK DAYS!!!
Elpresgod replies;
I told you it was iceland but the substances there are obviously even more potent than I worried about, must be all the puffins they eat, and raw cod, and…
…Brenivin.
Have you tried that stuff?
It’s a mix of schnapps, aviation fuel and the armpit sweat from a hundred worried Icelandic banking sector executives.
UUgghh
Okay Capitalist Lion Tamer, are you accusing ME of being an, “old lady trampling?”
FIGHT, FIGHT!!
Ya want a piece of me?
Bring it on!!
(Just wait for me to get out of my chair here…) Where’s my bloody cane…
Don’t you worry, whipper snapper, I’ll be more than read by next post!!
Sally –
I’m really not sure what that comment meant. All I know is that it made a hell of a lot more sense before I hit the “submit” button.
I welcome your caning and thorough chewing-out at your earliest possible convenience.
Sincerely,
CLT
I can’t believe you got her off the veranda.
And It’s too late at night for me to be sitting here giggling.
Or snorting.
As in laughing.
I heard that crack.
Joke.
Whatever.
Stop it!
Oh CLT, I guess I knew you were a teasing, but it was getting rather dull reading here, so I thought I fire you up!
That being said, I could still take the cane after you youngin, and I’ll have Spuddy and Claire right behind me too.
No, not to catch me either, wise guy!!
🙂
Alan –
Just dropping a quick note to say hi and stuff. Listen, I know we had some trouble with the band thing, but I think I’m ready to move on.
We’ve gotten ourselves a real drummer who says his influences include Dimmu Borgir, the Boredoms and BTO. I’m not familiar with the third but he drums like a motherfucker.
Anyway, we’re going in a new direction with this drummer taking the lead. Mainly, we’re heading down the Nordic death-metal road, leaving corpses and burning churches in our wake.
So far, we have managed to singe the Catholic Bingo Hall and the Seventh Day Adventist Religatorium. Who knew that cinder block just doesn’t burn that easily? You’d think with a name like that it would just spontaneously combust or something.
As for the corpses, we did hit a raccoon on the way to our latest gigs and laughed evilly for several minutes. I’m looking forward to our new energy and pancake makeup supplier.
Well, I’m going to wrap this up. With you gone, my workload has become slightly larger, often threatening to interrupt my glowering and cheek-sucking. I need to head to the graveyard for a little to clear my head. I feel most at home with the dead, who would probably feel threatened by my sky-high hair do, heavy eye makeup and faux-British accent.
If you could perhaps check us out at our next gig, August 31st at the St. Stevens High School Gymnasium. We open for up-and-coming prop comedian Largesse! in some strange juxtaposition, possibly due to some misrepresentation on our part. (We claimed to sing Norwegian music. Technically true, but won’t they shit a cinder block when we get rolling.)
Falling on black days,
Goth Mark
122 hours and CLT sets up the next episode to perfection.
Inside knowledge?
CLT,
Have I told you lately you’re a genius? I knew I saw Goth Mark’s album on Heavy Rotation.
I think you have. But that’s OK. Still trying to live up to my role model’s standards: Wile E. Coyote – Super Genius.
My ACME is strong…
Alan –
Quick question for you: do you know any discreet doctors in the Miami area? I’ve got some health issues that I’d rather not discuss openly, and the locals don’t seem to be able to handle these things quietly.
I thought that hitting some of the local quacks would take care of my… issues. I assumed the language barrier in itself would help keep everything on the “down low,” but instead I’m getting chased thru the waiting room by good Doctor Valenzuela with, “Oh, Senor Clark. You forget your ointment. Be sure to put it on the, how you say, henitals at least three times a day. Be sure you are doing this. Hahaha! Or you will be being sorry. And no scratching! Hahaha! You have about the worse I am seeing. Caramba! Nurse, come and clean the chairs before I have next person…”
I figured I could trust you. After all, I’ve hardly heard you say more than two sentences in the past several months, and I sure as hell didn’t pay attention to what they were. I could ask Mike because I’m sure he’d know how to get rid of this, or at least keep it contained, but his mook ass would be yelling shit all day long. Tom’s a freak. Can’t even get married right. Otto doesn’t like me, as far as I can tell. I’m sure many have wanted to but he’s been the only employee to actually hit me. Farook’s a psycho. That guy is just wrong. Thank god I’m in Florida.
But you. You’re just kind of there.
Anyway. See what you can find out. This… issue… is seriously affecting my groove. I kind of walk with a limp now and no matter how much Hamish petty cash I wave around, I can’t buy any love until this clears up. The Beatles know what I’m saying. Preach it, Paul. Who knew hookers had standards?
Clark
Okay CLT, all is forgiven – this is a riot!!
🙂
Are you taking notes AT to launch your return in style with a little help from CLT?
I have checked and there is NOT a public holiday in Canada next week (but there is on 7 September);
So, I make it 98 hours until Sallyp gets relief and The Clatt’s recommence battle / badinage…
Except I’m only guessing, I have no inside info…
Anyone got access to the Hamish Industries personel computer to check leave details?
Elpresgod.
SallyP wishes all to know that she is reading us but not writing to us as she is currently confined in a looney tune asylum, claims it’s family, how do we know any better, until the weekend.
Her replies to all further comments at that point should melt a few screens, tee hee.
elpresgod message service
OMG….I didn’t realize there has been a party going on here in Alan’s absence. Dave just clued me in on the petition I posted today for his return. Thank you Dave! Alan we miss you, wherever you are. Hopefully, Hamish will take you back, you slacker. No one takes vacations this long!
Mrs YnB, report to Hamish Industries 0900 local time Monday 31 August 2009 with 1000 handwritten lines of;
‘I forgot to check my blogposts, I am a sinner!’
PS Only joking, or are we, votes from TS’s please!
Dave –
Have you ever known me to joke?
Or yourself?
Or half this comment thread?
To: Alan Truitt
c/o Hamish Industries
From XXXXX Sheriff’s Department:
Please read the following completely. This is a legal document which has been taken out by Carlita Paonessa of xxxxxx.
You are to maintain a minimum distance of one hundred (100) feet [or meters, if you’d rather] from C. Paeonessa when in close proximity of elevators, escalators, staircases, moving sidewalks, chairlifts, buses, trains, monorails, light rails, carpools, bobsleds, tandem bicycles, rickshaws, three-legged races or any other mode of public grouped transportation.
This restraining order is served in good faith by the xxxxx Sheriff’s Department under bylaw 332.2.(a) of city statuatory ruling 1,233,010 Section 12.b.
Failure to comply with this ruling will result in various punitive measures, including (but not limited to): fines, civil suits, public humiliation, suddenly missing tailights, skateboard confiscation, aggressive beatings, a gradual but noticeable erosion of your human rights, “throwing the book” at you, throwing several books at you, or repeated broadcasting of “Chad Kroeger reads Clive Cussler’s Sparta with musical interludes by Nickelback” over your car, work and personal stereos.
Please keep in mind that this order can be contested in court. Be aware that this restraining order will remain in effect for one (1) full year (barring any violations) and our civil court currently has a four (4) year backlog.
Thank you for your cooperation.
xxxx Sheriff’s Department
“Got Our Hands in Our Pockets and Our Fingers on the Trigger/ Our Posse’s Getting Big and Our Posse’s Getting Bigger”
CLT, he will love that!
As we approach the end of purgatory, I do so hope so, may I take even more liberties with this blog and blow my own trumpet?
A couple of my non-fiction ebooklets have been awarded the HFG, honestly, please skip to;
http://historicallyobsessed.blogspot.com/2009/08/hf-gentlemen-award-men-only-this-time.html
I make it barely 60 hours…
Kudos, Dave BUT, dare I look, since you post that it is a, “gentlemen-award-men-only-this-time” which sounds a bit kinky to me… I would never have taken you for a member of the good-old-boys club, Mr Dave… Pls let me know ASAP, as I’m dying for a peek…
It is perfectly safe for all ages, genders, faiths and socioeconomic groups…
Hi guys,
I’ve been away caring for the gks, and for some reason I could not sign in here from their computer. Thanks to Dave for casting the ominous, “Vail of mystery” over my missing entries… I loved it! 🙂
That being said, I should have figured that Alan was having problems keeping his slippery zipper up, forcing poor Carlita to go to such an extreme to keep him away! Another rumor has it that he has taken a temporary role in the off-Broadway (NYC) production of, “The Puppetry of the Penis,” a show which is breaking attendance records, but shall be closing soon (upon HIS return to Sickdays, perhaps)? Unfortunately, Carlita’s distress is keeping HIM from ME – so, Carlita, you will have to withdraw your order. No if’s, and’s, or butts, gf!
Are we going to make the 300 entries before the big fromage returns??
🙂
I knew it would be worth the wait…that is SallyP AND a chance to spin this one, (it’s all in the first part of the title folks);
He’ll have to show up within 2 more comments to stop 300. This is 297 and I haven’t heard any doors opening or seen headlights swinging through the office windows as he pulls in…
Alan –
I hate to bother you on your vacation but I need a favor. Can I borrow your computer? Ever since the last bits of unpleasantness (the practical “jokes,” the groin “mauling,” the bouts of “productivity”) I have been getting the feeling that IT is reading my email and checking my Internet history.
I can’t put my finger on what exactly makes me feel this way. Maybe it’s the new header that has been appearing on all my incoming email:
*******************************************
This email has been scanned for your protection. Remember, safe computing begins with you. Farook. Also please see sections 12.8-9 and 31.3-7 on what constitutes harassment or violations of Hamish’s computer policies. I really think you should re-read these as you are kind of walking a dangerous and terminatable line right now.
*******************************************
I asked the IT guys what this meant and what they were looking for, and they kind of cleared their throat and whistled and stared at the ceiling for awhile, thrusting their nonchalantness in my face. One finally said, “I wouldn’t worry about that stuff. That’s standard Microsoft Mail boilerplate. Comes with the software.”
I said, “Why does it mention my name specifically and our company’s name?”
Lots more nonchalantness, only more forced and with some signs of faint panic. The same guy says, “Could be a virus. I’ll have one of our guys search your hard drives and email cache thoroughly. They may also go through your desk drawers and personal belongings. Again, standard procedure for computer glitches.”
At first I was skeptical. But after my home computer crash, I contacted the Geek Squad at Best Buy. They do the same thing according to the tech there, so I was less alarmed when I saw them hastily exiting my driveway one day.
Anyway, my computer is no go. Every time I receive or send an email, or spend a little time surfing the net (from 8:30 am – 2:30 pm, not including lunch), I have IT guys all over my cubicle.
Needless to say, this is interrupting my plans for revenge, further pranks and is really cutting into the time I have to write my brilliantly satirical blog about the freaks at Hamish.
Anyway, I have been using your computer, so if you notice anything running weird, or popping up or disabling your keyboard, it’s probably just “one of those things.” Call IT. They’ll handle it in their normal intrusive fashion.
Enjoy your vacation, Alan. Your inbox is starting to pile up. Since I’ve been using your cubicle, I’ve had them just start sending my work here, which is convenient since I won’t be the one working on it anyway.
Farook
P.S. I think Carlita may have accidentally seen one of your homemade photos. Possibly the one where you Photoshopped her face onto Selma Hayek’s naked body. I was using it for wallpaper and must have forgotten to turn the screensaver on. So… possibly more people than Carlita have seen it. In fact, I know Carlita saw it because I called her over and said, “Have you seen this? Because if not, then I think you’d be the only one who hasn’t. I was just wandering by Alan’s cubicle and there it was.”
I think he will already have the odd idea that his cubicle has been misused the last few weeks, as well as his blog…
To be fair, we only misused his comment thread…
Oh, and his faith in humanity. But who can blame us? We’re like kids without a solid parental role model. All edgy, over-emotive and attention-seeking.
I could be projecting…
As long as it’s not projectile vomitting, again…
And with a long drum roll and barrage of firecrakers, the 300th post goes to;
whoever follows this one…
Ta Dah!!! Ooo, I think that might have pulled a muscle.
Golly, who’d have thunk that the Spudster would end up taking us over the mark!! (And not Goth either…)
Good for you, Spuddy!
“How am I doing” you ask? Weeping quietly, waiting for HIS return…
SIGH…
Can you all just imagine the tales he will have to tell? Ooh, ooh, can’t wait!!
🙂
PS: Dave, I shall devote my after-dinner hour to reviewing you award!! (For men only!)
Good work batting cleanup, Spuddy. I’m sure Alan has some special blog-related award waiting for you. He’s probably putting white-out over the number 200 right now…
We have a very generous TS president in Dave, as he could have very easily done one more post in his set up of the 300th and claimed it himself…instead of letting one of us have the honor. Thanks Dave! (big curtsy to you)
He’s a real Prince… 🙂
I deny having anything to do with a musician (allegedly) of that name, or the computer programme that makes pdf out of dog’s dinner WP.
Nor the Royal Family in any nation.
But apart from that, will I turn into a frog if kissed?
elpresgod
Dave, you really are a great ElPresGodPrince. I’m thinking that if you don’t know whether or not you will turn into a frog if kissed tells us that it’s been too long since you’ve been kissed!
Ribbit, ribbit, hop, hop…
[…] – Dirty Town A track and band unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to well-known vacation hound, Alan Truitt. Despite his occasional bursts of obscenity and poetry, Truitt is actually a very well-rounded […]
I have found a clue to his recent whereabouts;
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6099485/Sign-language-week-63.html?image=13
laid low by fish, not Carlita…
That has just made my morning!!! Hahahaha!! I love finding signs like that. And you’re probably right, it might have been the sushi keeping Alan off his feet and not Carlita.
Allllllllllllan…
When is he coming back, guys? Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo…
Daaaaaave,
Read your stuff – very good, not at all x-rated though… Hiccup, hiccup…
Baaaaaad day – no Alllllllllan….
Spuuuudy, RU there?
Claaaaire??
CLT?????????
SIGH………..
Shhhh, shhh, shhh, Sally…it’s okay. I’m here. Here’s a tissue for you, dry your eyes and go blow your nose. Just calm down now…Alan will be here before you know it. Why don’t you go splash some cool water on your face. It’ll make you feel better. I just took a batch of warm snickerdoodles out of the oven. If you can stop sniffling I’ll give you some, and then later we can make some balloon animals. Won’t that be fun?!
Ooookay…hiccup, hiccup, shudder, shudder…
Did you say, “Snickerdoodles??”
Ummmmmmmm
Maybe another popsicle too??
(I having BIG grief here…)
Thanks, Spuddy…
Oh damn, bugger, sh2te and bloody whoopsies.
My calculation as to the date of the re-emergence of Alpo ‘Just a Month’ Truitt seems to have been less accurate than three certain wisemen.
I confess to a deep desire to throttle the dog, kick the cat and beat the living daylights out of my mouse about this, but I have a different idea to tempt the Hamish Pooch back into our lives.
Instead of wailing, screaming, pleading and dropping subtle hints, we could try tempting him;
a) images of Carlita in compromising attire,
b) Mark and The Stigmatas doing a bagpipe synchro riff,
c) video of Farook going into subspace orbit on the top of a weather balloon.
May I cordially invite, nay plead with any TS still around the place, keep the faith and post some tempting material to rouse AT back to the fold.
elpres nolongeromnipotentgod
If Alan was absolutely literal about taking the “next month off” and the last time he wrote was August 4th, we might still have to wait until the end of the week when September 4th rolls around.
I was kind of hoping the mention of warm snickerdoodles would have given both some comfort to Sally *and* made Alan poke his head up for a sniff. He must really be having a good time where he is. I think at the very least we need to assign him a “What I did over my summer vacation” theme.
Spuddy, is all well with the invalids?
I fear I was too clever about the timing and you may win the second award to add to that for 300 posts, the ‘when the AT emerges medal.’
As for a theme, he will need a whole new blog to account for this dastardly absence, with full graphic details, photos and video…
Thank you so much for asking Dave. Both my Mom and friend Pat, are currently enjoying their “good” days in between chemo sessions so we’re taking full advantage of that. The weather had been beautiful lately, so I’m gathering several of my girlfriends and we’re taking Pat for a picnic at the nearby state arboretum. She’s been wearing bandannas to hide her hair loss, so all of us are going to wear one too for our first (of hopefully many more) bandanna picnics. We’re making memories.
Enjoy whilst you can.
((HUG)) for Spuddy…
Hang tough, my friend 🙂
What? It still hasn’t been a month yet? Gosh!
And I’ve spent this whole time trying to figure out what a “chocker” was. Glad that mystery is cleared up.
Now to figure out the mystery of whether you’ll ever return…
This is the longest month ever.
This should make the last couple of days just fly by! I know how Alan loves Shane MacGowan, so…
still not a month? gosh, Alan’s holiday is just dragging for me
Alan,
Thank God for your loyal posters – they have been fabulous – and HERE!!
I sure hope you have fun, even though it was at MY espense!!
Shout out for all of Alan’s loyal readers!! You are THE FREAKING BEST!!
Sally P 🙂
AAAAAALLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN ……..
Need we form a posse to ride out and hunt the varmint (Alan) down??
We gotta git out and round up our doggie… Yee ha!!
Please sign up if you are interested!
I’ll carry the shovel to clean up all the crap with…
That’s one…
Who else here??
Let’s go, we gots a lot of riding to do, buckaroos…
I’ll be the food taster 😀
I’ll bring Alpo’s leash and Carlita Chew Toy.
Time’s up. Now come back.
Besides, your comments have been totally hijacked.
Okay. Please. There I said it.
When Alan returns, it will be as if a shadow had passed over the earth. The seas will boil and fires will rage. The thunderous cacophony of a thousand elephants fucking will be heard.
No one will be spared.
Obscure bands, hack authors, obsolete vernacular, variations on themes, poetry reciting, discussions on the pros and cons of iambic pentameter vs. other shit your English professor pretended to care about, sly nudges, sighs, winks, smileys, Yuri, MLM, Scientologists, Nickelback, Satan, God, love, lust, burial, betrayal, sexual perversions of every shape and size, multiple personalities connected only by an IP, elpresgod’s edicts quantified, qualified and dismissed.
Like merciful Poseidon, overseeing the wreckage that his inattention hath wrought. Survivors clinging to debris and inflatable Youtubes. Elpresgod at half-mast. Half-written in-jokes and taunting. Other ravings of madmen and madwomen alike.
Welcome back, Alan. It’s all yours whenever you want it.
I’m doffing my hat to you, Sir Dr. Capitalist Lion Tamer Esquire III. You really are one of the most gifted satirists that it’s always my pleasure to read. I can only describe your comic gem bombs as fucktabulous. Hopefully I’ll do better once I get a thesaurus.
To paraphrase a wise man: “Great comedy, like a great band, should make you feel like it just jumped you in a dark alley.”
That alley may be dark. Darkness doubled. Still, when the moon shines on it in a certain light, we’re lucky enough to see you lurking there with your razor sharp wit – and, for those who don’t get the good joke, well, they get a well deserved drum stick to the eardrum.
And so, hat doffed, I’m going to sit back, put my feet up and enjoy the rippling rhythms and soothing sounds of Test Dept.
Uh oh. Our dynasty is being threatened! http://projectkickass.com/663/#comment-3493
I’d let em have it. They have guns.
Where in tarnation is that man?? I am busy with company, but I still have my eye here now and again! It is time for our boy to come riding in on his white horse here!! We (royal “we”) are NOT amused by your absence, Alan – dagnabit!! Where in Sam’s Hill are ya???
Love that Lone Ranger!
PS: Has to be Tuesday when the man returns, N `est-CE pas?
Which Tuesday are you opting for, my wife’s birthday?
PS 15 September, all gifts in cash to me at…….
I can’t wait that long for THE MAN’S return here, Dave…
But, while we wait, let’s clear up a few things here:
RU having a party for UR wife?
R we all invited?
If so, pleace post the directions to the party location.
Spuddy, UR only a few States away, we can ride together…
The first guest seems to have invited himself, see below…
come baaaaaack alpo!
He LIED to us ….. 😥 …. and I thought he was our friend 😥
UR SO right on, Julie!!
Only 343 comments…?
Hah!
Just kidding…
Let’s see. If I could answer them all in 2 minutes each that would take 686 minutes. 11 hours and 26 minutes…
IF, I could answer them all in 2 minutes…
So…
Thanks so much everyone for your kind words and the occasional jokes about my penis size. (If I can’t laugh at myself, I don’t get the joke…)
I really appreciate it. This comment thread is a thing of beauty.
Please take a bow and let me applaud you all with a standing ovation.
Okay, I can’t stand, clap, and type at the same time, so hang on a second…
Alan stops typing, stands up and cheers.
And also, a special thanks to the “double digit comments” from the “truly” True Sickies:
-el President and supremely wonderful God, Dave Hambidge
-my delightfully irate pal, Sally P.
-the always fantastic author, Claire Collins
–super funny gal extraordinaire, bschooled
-my sweet buddy Spuddy
-and the hilariously and seriously awesome, CLT
no love for me? 😦
When are you coming back anyway?!?!
Hey me (hah)!
A terrible oversight on my behalf. Oh, and that was 10 for you, you just hit the “double digit comments” 🙂 Please feel the love.
I’m swamped with work but will try and post something later today.
Hope you’re doing well.
I’ve only hit the 10 comments mark? damn i thought it was waaayyy more….
….must….
….increase…
….post…
….count!
Haha!
Nice one, me (hah!)!!!
Sorry about the delay getting back to you. I had to send out a search party to find me (that is to say you) in the thread.
Alan
thats ok Alan I’m used delays from your side, you crazy Americans sleep at such weird times, why you can’t sleep at the same time as the UK boggles my mind!
Haha!
Good point, me (hah!).
I have dual citizenship. I’m also a Brit/Scot… So you’d think I could manage it and be a bit more sensitive to your time zones. It’s noon here. Time for my dinner. There we go! And then off to bed at 7pm. 😉
Ahhhh Alan I never knew! We could be related I’m British but my family originated in Scotland, you know it’s such a small island over here, maybe you know my good friend Lord Henry Wrinklebottom?
I think he IS Lord Wrinklebottom, ME, hahahaha!
You are too funny 🙂
PS: I live 12 miles from the heart of New York City (on the other side on the Hudson River) does that count for anything?? Oh, and unfortunately, I’m an Irish New Yorker by birth…
me,
Know him? I’m related! If it’s the same Lord Wrinklebottom I’m thinking of.
My uncle Lord Percy Wrinklebottom is a sheep farmer from Auchterarder. Same guy? Likes his pint? Bit of a temper…?
His favourite song is about Troosers…
Sally – Ah, top o’ tha mornin to ya!
Alan – Thats him! Your related?! I’m sorry to hear he got banned from sheep farming though due to ‘that incident’ but yeah the guy goes ape for a cool refreshing pint whilst wearing his trousers!
He’s had a long history of these type of “sheep related incidents”
Still, he tells a good “knock knock” joke.
😀
My psychobabbleometer detects an adieu, au revior, till we meet again in there AT?
Put us out of our misery alpo, was that it?
Hey Dave,
You own a psychobabbleometer? That is so awesome! I was hoping to buy one this autumn. There’s something about the fall… It’s like the poet said: “In his Autumn ‘fore the Winter comes man’s last mad surge for a psychobabbleometer.”
Until then all I can ask is… Can I sidestep this question for a bit?
Right now, all I’ve got to offer is a diversion…
Look! An errant elephant is having sex with — and all over — Yuri!
May your other projects blossom as we, in TS, sink into a slough of despond and consider having to do some real work and not rely on SD…
Many thanks Dave,
My hope is that it can work out for all of us. With the emphasis on me.
Seriously though…
You never know when I could move to the UK and arrive at your doorstep. It has wacky sitcom plastered all over it. We could call it “Sick Central”
Alan is a kooky insomniac blogger from North America who’s lost his job, his will, his car keys and his mind. He’s looking for a change. Or, at the very least, spare change.
Dave is a retired psychiatrist and aspiring scribbler, enjoying exploring literature, mine and others.
Alan moves to England – and into Dave’s basement.
Of course, as we all know, hilarity will ensue.
I’d better start digging out a basement, only thing we have underground is the safe, and he ain’t getting in that!!
🙂
This has a real zany quality, Dave. I’m seeing mad-capped capers and lots of unexpected hi jinx. I’m thinking The Ladykillers meets Two and Half Men.
Is the insomnia back, or are you parked out of my front door?
Both.
Knock knock…
Who’s there and awake?
One out of two ain’t bad then?
Alan!
Welcome back!
This will be short and sweet as I am headed out the door to work.
Truncatedly,
CLT
Cheers my friend!
Once again, many thanks for the slew of laughter, oh, and the key that let me into the world of Mark Gormley.
Hah. That guy…
Hola!
Can you get me a job at the place you work so I can slack off for a month!
😉
I’ll do what I can sensico…
I’ve found that the secret to getting a month off is to strangle a co-worker. The answer is in your hands!
OMG! The Great One has returned: We are not worthy…
Okay, WE are – RU Mr Tru??
Well, I’m off to my therapist – who is helping me deal with my abandonment issues…
Thanks again to all MY moral support and supportive Sickdays readers, you’re THE BEST!!
Hi Sally,
Dave Hambidge is a gifted psychiatrist.
He helped me…. That’s why I moved in with him. That, and the wacky sitcom value it brings.
Dave has been working overtime with me ALL THIS TIME – and you had better believe it too!!
Dave, CLT, Claire, Spuddy, and the gang have been there for me (suffering as I was with your abandonment) when YOU were off having fun…WO ME!!!
Sorry, but you will have to show a little more contrition, and perform a lot more humble apologizing B4 we can issue you an apostolic blessing Mr Tru…
I’m waiting, tap, tap, tap…
Hrrrrmmmppphhhhhh …… He arrives back FOUR days damnwell late …. no apology, no flowers, no chocolate … zip! You’d think this is his damn site or something 😛
WELCOME BACK ALAN …. c’mere and give us a kiss …. 😀
😉
Thanks Julie!
I’m sending you chocolate flowers.
Right oh boyo, new cellar fallout shelter has been constructed in a frantic orgy of digging and shovelling by ‘er whilst I supervised!
Sleeping basket has been installed with ondemand food supply of fodder and proper Britland beer. Outside privvy only, nothing new there then…
House rules are simple, jump when ‘er says so and keep clear of me coming down from height, the weight could inflict considerable damage on a poor little doggie.
Neighbours are quite a good source of ideas for writers, but check I haven’t already used them.
Walkies will be each morning at 0700 Britland time, when I hope that you will savage the arse of a few inconsiderate buggers who already perform outside our windows (shades of Crabby Old Fart here…)
Rent to be mutually arranged; an insight into the twisted psyche of Yuri would be good for the first week.
What time are you inbound?
elpres
I’ve been in your backyard for the last 12 hours drinking shandies.
🙂
House rules work for me.
(I even brought my own dish.)
I wondered which ‘stranger’ had been in the fridge at the lemonade, I assumed it was nextdoors kids!
Right, turkey pie tonight, with mash, gravy if she gets off the phone!!
Great! And then a walk to the park…?
I saw some trees that looked inviting, and it’s probably best I mark my territory there.
hé,
WHERE ARE YOU ?
Reviens vite, please.
Hi Milo…
Thanks. I’ve been incredibly busy. I’m afraid I may still have to do some more traveling.
Daaaaaave, he CAN’T be leaving again!! What will happen to MEEEEEEEEE?? make him STAAAAAAAAY!
And, why hasn’t he done a new post since he got back???
Has he become a genuine SLACKER??
Alan,
Merci de ta réponse, et bon courage for your actual whatever keeps you busy.
Je serai là when you’re back.
(I know it can be annoying, that french mix, but I kinda enjoy it..)
See you, then !
>Sally P : “:)”
Merci très beaucoup, Milo de France!
No, the French isn’t annoying at all. I enjoy it as well!
If fear…we will find alternatives if needed…I’ve offered bed and board…leaving on a high…YES.
All in that order!
Come on AT, out of yer pit, morning walkies!
No skiving behind jet lag excuses me lad. Once you’ve done its nice english tea to sup then plan our day…
Thanks Dave,
Sorry about the sleep in. Almost 36 hours of being awake delivered me into the arms of Hypnos… Anyway, nice and refreshed now. So…Who’s up for a visit to Buckingham Palace?
http://www.royalcollection.org.uk/default.asp?action=article&ID=30
Next train from local station is 12 minutes, will just get us in to London in time for Changing of The Guard, shift it!
elprestouristguide.
Great!
Hah! “elprestouristguide.”
😀
Welcome back Alan! 😀
Many thanks eksith!
Hey, that’s one of my all time favourite movie scenes. 😀
I guess you want the keys to the blog back? We were just watching over it, I swear.
What 378 comments? I don’t see 378 comments… Dave? Do you see 378 comments?
Nope, my screen goes blank after about half a dozen dated early last month…
Hey Claire,
I thought I saw them, but maybe it was my eyes. They’ve been playing tricks on me lately. Damn dirty eyes.
I took my gks to a movie yesterday, entitled, “Shorts.” They LOVED it, but I found it disturbing to say the least. The flick featured a 12-foot Booger.
I thought of you, Alan… I knew you would have loved it too.
So, are you giving you on Sickdays now??
I am so bummed…
😦
XX So, RU giving UP on “sickdays” now??
Hey Sally,
For more information please write: mike(AT)babbleoncom.com
Your friend,
Alan
Completely unrelated to anything at all:
It’s no “Oh That Jason!” but it does contain all the elements of a successful sitcom.
Especially rabbits.
(I seem to have a thing for unsettling rabbits in this comment thread. Analysis?)
Ah, wiveting and wascally stuff. Chekov meets Buñuel meets Strindberg, meets Bergman, meets Satan, meets Nivek, CC, and Erskine-Kellie (writers for Season One on “Oh, That Jason!”).
It started off with shades of Jason – the 20 seconds of applause with each character’s entrance; the 1950’s TV Rabbit Ears; the couch – and, of course, the unspoken hostility between the family… And let us never forget the episode where Jason imagines he has a homosexual relationship with Lucifer, even though it never aired and was replaced with the less controversial Mexican abortion episode…
My analysis of it is half baked – because, at this moment, I am just that. The backwards Satan vocalizing was interesting. Played backward the devil bunny was actually saying “Our goal is nothing more simple than doing all our homework, paying attention in spending time each day reading a book – and destroying mankind. Bwehahah!”
Seemed eerily familiar to me… I think Cussler wrote the dialogue.
Otherwise it was very sublime and understated.
That said, I think we all read into the subtext here.
Rabbits are unsettling.
But as Alan Moore (two cameo appearances on “Oh, That Jason!” and one on “The Simpsons”) wisely pointed out…
Ducks are Sinister.
A masterful analysis, Alan. And so swiftly done, like a therapeutic magician pulling something unmentionable out of a hat (rabbit).
While those rabbits may appear sinister out of context, within their proper context
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inland_Empire_(film)
it’s probably the least sinister thing going on.
It’s a David Lynch film, so I can’t really tell you what it’s about so much as make words into sentences.
Like: Laura Dern plays an actress who is shooting a film with a ridiculous title. Sometimes she’s herself, sometimes she’s the character and sometimes she’s a hooker in Poland.
She is often found in two places at once, days apart subjectively but not so much to everyone else. Sometimes she’s acting in the present, followed by relating an anecdote of scene she’s shooting two days from now, followed by her wandering onto the set (and nearly into herself) on the first day of shooting weeks prior.
She travels thru time and space with the aid of a watch and a cigarette.
The rabbits are rabbits.
No ducks.
So… we’re good then? All sorted out, etc.?
Haha!
Yes, indeed, everything is sorted out and clear as Mud Holland Drive…
Whoops, I meant Mulholland Drive… I always get those two confused.
What really struck me about this movie’s synopsis was how it was such a blatant rip off of Season 1, Episode 12 “Oh, that Jason!”
Remember that episode? You should. You wrote it. It was called “Jason’s Arbitrary Rabbit Cage”
As I recall, you pitched it as “Jason’s perception of reality becomes increasingly distorted as he finds himself falling for his pet rabbit… This is funny shit. Think ‘Harvey’ meets beastiality porn.”
It was a great pitch.
Ah, yes. It’s all coming back now, right? You won an Emmy.
We all shared a needle and hooker in celebration. Times were different back then…
And now, that Lynch guy has ripped you off – and to make matters worse, he can’t write dialogue for rabbits (a tough trick that we all agreed you mastered… That carrot scene was genius, my friend. Genius!)
Obviously, we’re going to have to sue… I know a lawyer. He’s a real sleaze ball. Please advice as to how you think we should proceed.
PS: I think ending any movie that ends with Nina Simone ends well. And while I’d have suggested “Feeling Good” as opposed to “Sinnerman” I guess Lynch was under the influence of “Felix Da Housecat’s Heavenly House Mix” But those are his issues…
I think I’m going to mastermind a plan to kidnap you both and keep you as my pets. I mean, entertainment. Keep you as entertainment. Yeah.
Hah!
Oh, you…
I heard a rumour that bloggers were disappearing. Any thoughts on that?
😉
If I recollect correctly, a rather dashing clown and I once kidnapped you. http://barelyknittogether.com/2009/06/we-interrupt-this-blog/
I look forward to spending some time in the backseat of your car with Sir CLT as you drive us down the highways and bi-ways of life. I can taste the metaphor.
And I have no doubt your mix tapes will be diabolically wonderful (even if they are Fad Gadget free). All I ask is for is conversation, shandies, and a well filled bong. Oh, and the occasional song by Frank Tovey.
I’ll be waiting by the curb outside my house. Okay if I bring my lovely wife? She rules Britannia. And we could both use a vacation.
Yep, the CLATT’s are straight back into it. Allusions; illusions, sleep deprived hallucinations, fantasy and cobblers in a lethal mix.
Well lethal to my understanding, I can only get maybe 15%, and that includes the by-lines!
BTW, I see 400 comments approaching.
elpresaccountant.
Hey elpreslandlord…
I’m diligently working on trying to get 8 hours a night. But those damn elephants outside my window are up all night having sex and playing their rave music. (Can you do something about them?)
Still, it’s really something to see an elephant dance. Quite hypnotic, I must say. As for watching them having sex… Well, that’s just frightening.
The noise is atrocious.
To quote Marx:
“I once shot an elephant in my Cat-in-the-Hat hat. How he got into my Cat-in-the-Hat hat, I’ll never know.
CHOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!!!!”
“Oh, that Marx!”
HAHAHAHA!!!
Old Mr. Lynch and his Housecat fetish. He must have moved on from the Rabbit in the Moon.
If I had a nickel for every time that I’ve been ripped off by one celebrity or another, I’d greatly question the effectiveness of our frivolous court system.
A nickel per violation? I’m looking for RIAA-sized payoffs here.
This is bullshit.
Hahahhahaha…
You’re looking for RIAA-sized payoffs here?
Good news! My sleaze ball lawyer, Mungo Brockington, is… well… a sleaze ball lawyer.
He worked for RIAA!
I know, what were the odds?
Anyway, he got 30 Grand out of a single, unemployed mom who downloaded “The Safety Dance” He can help you. He’ll not only get that Emmy you pawned — but he’ll bring you the head of anyone’s ass. He’s that good! Or, he can get you cash. Let him know the type of vengeance you’re looking for and he’ll make it happen.
The theme here is payback.
I now have a deep dark fear of rabbits. You may have to change your name to Capitalist Rabbit Tamer. Thanks Professor
They make terrible housepets, what with all their “gettin it on.” Not to mention the sheer creepiness of finding them wandering around the house late at night on two legs, dressed in your clothes and clutching an unfinished script.
The constant cries of “What’s my motivation?” will have you chucking them out at the nearest shelter/”toys for tots” bin.
*taps watch*
So… when you coming back.
Nooooooooooooooo
What if, what if…he, he, he doesn’t come baaaaaaak, hiccup, sob, hiccup, blow nose, honk, etc.
I know. I think my watch is broken.
And I’ve got all those episodes of “The Cat and Leroy” to catch up on. Plus the Tim Dawson stuff.
Hope you’re well, Alex L.
Yeah well as well can be. I hope you’re the same Alan.
I’m well as well can be as well, thanks.
*sigh*
just
*sigh*
OMG AM I COMMENT #400!!!!
WHAT DO I WIN!?!!!
Wahooo!!!!!!
Congratulations, sensico!
You win “A Dream Date with Alan.” That’s right, you and Alpo will spend a night out on the town — painting it red no less! (Please bring your own paint brush.)
Here’s a little taste of what you can expect…
We’ll start the evening getting to know each other as we share a romantic pre-dinner drink in an alley. Bring a paper cup if you’re not fond of guzzling from the bottle.
From there we’ll dine in one of the finest restaurants in town. You’ll get to know the real me as I insult the waiters and get you to pick up the tab.
Next we’ll participate in the robbery of a small convenience store and subsequent high-speed chase with the police. Yup it’s handguns and shenanigans as we experience the whole Bonnie and Clyde feeling.
Later, our date really begins when we check into the Fantasy Land Hotel and I request the Marquis De Sade suite and five live ducks.
As for sex, well the way I see it, it should be caring, loving, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.
Phew! Squeaked by on only leaving the 300th comment! Have fun Sensico! 🙂
Hah! Good one, Spuddy!
Woot!
😀
w00t, I didn’t know you were such a romantic. I’ll be sure to wear something sexy, I can’t look all frumpy while robbing a store.
Oh and I was going to tell you after sex but since you’re so adorable, I’ll tell you now, it costs $1500 to have sex with me (just one round = 15 min ducktape included, no video) so, if you still want to charge me $200 then your total would be $1300, no checks accepted.
Sorry but it’s best we hash these logistics out before we get to the nitty gritty.
What’s the ducks for? Since you want the ducks, if they watch the sex show then I’ll have to charge $500 per duck.
ahhh, can’t wait this is going to be soooo fun 😀
Spuddy will wish he could have been on this date with you lol
I, on the other hand am a very low maintenance kind of gal. A simple picnic and a walk along a country dirt road and I’m a happy camper. If you really want to bring the ducks, I know a nice duck pond where we can release them. They should follow along behind us very nicely in a line, quacking in harmony as you blow on your wooden train whistle. You can even wear your engineers hat. Toot-toot!! Chugga, chugga, chugga, quack, quack
Aww Spuddy,
What a sweetie. It was also kind of you not to mention that once upon a time a certain ranting pismire did something sort of similair. Much appreciated.
😉
Ooops!
Did I say $200.00??? How embarrassing, I forgot to add a zero. It should have read $2,000.00
So that means you’d owe me $500.00. That’s a good deal!
I’m not worth it but I stand by my hyper-inflated prices.
Re. the ducks. You’ll know when it happens! 😉
haha, too late your $200 is written in stone. If you would like to dispute this then you’ll have to take it up with “the boss”. And I dont think you’re strong enough to strangle him but it’s your call.
Damn. 🙂
Well, I may not be strong enough to strangle the boss… But my army of sinister ducks are capable of anything.
Bwehahahahahaha!
Attack the boss, my pretties!
In your dreams, Alan Tru! Oh, and are you bringing along the, “lovely wife” on this “Fantasy Date,” or will she be home ruling Britannia?
Alan, you KNOW I am the voice of your conscience here…
🙂
PS: How about a teeny tiny new post so the faithful don’t have to scroll down the world to follow the day-to-day happenings in Truland?? I’m just saying…
Hah!
Good point. Thanks for being there for me, Sally P.
Okay, I’ll try and have something for you next week.
So you’re back?! I’m glad for it 🙂
I’ve been reading the comments and some say
you’re not coming back 😦
Thanks lori78
Nice to see you. I’ve just been busy. It’s supposed to keep me out of trouble. In theory, anyway…
😉
Good point sallyp, RSI of the indexdigit before brekkie tea is a bummer.
Sensico. Beware, the last time he took someone out he nearly murdered them and ended up in clink. Might be a better fate though?
Spuddy. I have tried to find the wonderful advert/cartoon where some ducks mount a revenge attack on gunmen shooting at them from a boat. Can’t find the damn thing anywhere; if you can, it’s for you!
And finally to the temporary lodger in my basement. I haven’t been called an elephant, to my face at least, for all of a couple of weeks. I thought my arse looked trimmer in these new Y-fronts.
elpresanythingyouwanttodaycosIneedacupofteapdq.
Me and Alan were meant to be, I expect no choking, plus with my “helper/the boss” there, I’m sure he’d be too scared to try anything like that.
Though, when I hike up the sex price to $3000 (cause he wanted to do something with the ducks, FREAK!!) then he might try lol.
Haha! Add a few ducks into the mix and suddenly the prices go up and I’m labeled a freak. Isn’t that the way it always is? 😉
Some of us knew you were a freak before you brought in the ducks.
“Oh, That Claire!”
Was it the nerking merkins that tipped you off?
Hahaha!
elpresanythingyouwanttodaycosIneedacupofteapdq…
The Y-fronts look great. That’s why I bought them for you! The elephant reference was to your neighbours. Nice people and very generous with their liquor. It’s their late night jazz trumpet parties that are my only concern.
Now that’s jazz!
Love that gut bucket jazz!
Tea for Me ASAP
I’m four mugs into the day and you want it as a nightcap?
What type of alcohol mixes well with tea…?
There’s a question I’ve never asked myself before.
Tea and Tequila? …Would probably be rancid.
But the words combined sound nice enough. So, make mine a double.
One should never mix one’s T’s, or so some wisearse once said.
The only incoholic libation that I know of that is tolerable IN tea is whisky.
BUT, why waste the spirit, have it as a chasser, leader, best friend etc.
Hah!
So true.
Okay, that made me laugh so I’m calling it a nightcap on a pun…
Tea Hee!
Groooooaaannn
Sleep for 8 hours, or else!
You can make a career on just this post alone. 😀
Hah!
😛 Good point, Gryph!
This comment thread started off as a short story and has blossomed into an epic novel! It’s got it all – dream dates, penises, rabbits and mayhem.
Now we just need a dead body in the billiard room and a suspicious looking butler.
Penises? Any vaginas?
Hahaha!
I’ll send out a search party!
😆
The dead body in the billiard room IS the suspicious looking butler.
But then… If not the butler… Who did it?
Hi gang,
Just checking in, hoping to see something new…
I was thinking, maybe we could have a party or blowout to cheer us in our abandonment??
Rumor is, Alan is paying…
Nothing fancy, routine booze, nudity, maybe a brawl or two – you know.
Anyway, thank God for all you faithful readers – love you’z a lot 🙂
Bye, guys 😦