Last night we celebrated Nutless Tom’s bachelor party.
It didn’t go well…
Tom had been waffling on the where and when for two months.
Finally, he told me “I want the mother of all raunchy parties.”
Figures. It’s always the Scientologists…
That’s why I asked Mike to help.
He said “I’m the master of raunch!”
I had to agree…
He booked us a table at Strippy McNudes…
So there we were: Otto, Farook from Accounting, Jack from Payroll, Goth Mark, Mike, Nutless Tom, and me at Strippy McNudes…
Farook had his arm around my neck all night and kept giggling into my ear “I’m randy, Alpo.”
Otto tried to stuff nickels and pennies down the stripper’s g-string and was almost thrown out.
Goth Mark got drunk on two beers, told me he knew that I hated his band, and spent the rest of the night calling me a “useless asshole.”
Jack from Payroll kept showing me pictures of his wife.
Mike never stopped yelling “Hoo, baby! I want to drag my nuts across your guts!”
And with every passing minute, Nutless Tom scowled even harder at me.
I started drinking… Heavily.
Later, Nutless plunked himself beside me and said “You should know, I broke up with Tracy two weeks ago. The wedding’s off.”
I said “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
He said “Because you did such a crap job as best man, I figured the least you could do was throw me a decent party. But this sucks. You failed, Alpo.”
The rest is a blur.
I kind of remember Nutless Tom flat on his back on a table covered in beer, and my hands around his throat and screaming “Die! Die! Die!”
I’m pretty sure it was Mike who was yelling “Whoa! Alpo! Stop! For nerk’s sake, he’s turning blue!”
Apparently the guys eventually pulled me off Tom.
Then the police arrived…and it all went downhill from there.
And that’s how I got arrested for assaulting Nutless Tom.