I’m on the Hamish Industries Softball Team.
We’re called The Window Pains.
Our captain is Farook from Accounting. He asked me what position I wanted to play. I laughed and said “towel boy.”
He said I could be towel boy and outfield.
It’s gonna be a long season…
We played our first game last night against Bob Jones’ Revolving Doors.
It was everything I expected. Hot beer and cold chicken wings; sweaty co-workers slapping each other’s rumps, and Otto’s nonstop trumpeting of Gary Glitter’s “Rock N’ Roll.”
“Ba na na na… Hey! Ba na na…”
The first time I went up to bat, my Hamish teammates and pals were all shouting “You’re the man, Alpo.”
By the 7th inning it was “Oh great, here comes the strikeout king.”
Mike compared my striking out at the plate with my success rate with the ladies. The “limp bat” jokes quickly followed. Everyone found them very funny.
It was a long dark night of softball.
Everytime I said “Is it over yet?” drunk Mary Margaret would respond with “You’re such a turd, Alpo.”
But things got interesting in the bottom of the 9th
We were winning.
They were up at bat.
Two out, bases loaded, full count, and me in the outfield checking my blackberry. (I know; a typical baseball cliché.)
That’s when I heard the sound of a crack and people yelling.
I looked up. The field lights were in my face. I stuck up my hand to block them out. I accidentally caught the ball.
Next thing I knew the members of The Window Pains were carrying me across the field and cheering my name.
I kept asking them to put me down and let me go home, but they didn’t hear me.
I can’t believe there are still company baseball teams. I’ve never worked for any company whose co-workers associated outside of the workplace.
Yay for the Charlie Brown-esque catch.
You’re such a hero, Alpo. 😀
Thanks Skatha…
Or should that be “Good Grief”?
This was another of those “voluntold” deals.
There are 9 Circles in Hell and 9 Innings in baseball. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
😉
……and his blog fans go wild!! OMG….Alpo saves the day! Hip, Hip Hooray and all that jazz! Can we touch you?
Hah! Why, of course. I think I had my rump slapped from here to eternity, so what the heck.
But please be warned, I’m covered in warm beer and cold chicken.
😉
Well, that makes it even better…I’ll lick you then…..if that’s okay?? 😉
Hahahaha!
Okay.
I think that makes me a cheap buzz.
When they were carrying you, did anyone cop an opportunistic feel? Did they get flouncy with you?
Haha!
I tried to repress the memory, but…
They were all copping flounces all over the place. Wrap arounds, sordid non-monogamous squeezes, group gropes, leg-humps, and flouncing nut-sack rustling.
I felt so violated – and ticklish.
And, yes, a little flouncing loved.
😉
flouncing nut-sack rustling.
pictures please
presdave
I didn’t think to take any.
Next time.
If there is one.
And I hope and pray there isn’t.
i wish i could relate to your office humor it sounds so funny but a lot of it does go over my head, sorry. however,i do like your setup over here.
Thanks Lynn,
I’m going to focus on the word “funny.” Thanks!
Joshing aside, I understand what you’re saying. It does take a bit of knowing who the players are. And that’s a bit of a time investment that not everyone wants to make. And fair enough, I say. I’ll certainly see you at The Mad Hatters or Mr. Mills house of crankiness and Yorksnbeans and other places. (And of course, at Trippin’ With Rip)
Hmm, you’ve just arrived and I feel like I’m saying goodbye here.
Oh no, I’m getting weepy. And I promised myself I wouldn’t cry… 😉
Cheers!
Alan
Does Yuri have any crying emoticons? Where is he when we need him!
😥
Мы постарались все представить в нужной форму.На сайте
Don’t cry, Yuri.
I’ll buy your Viagra.
😀
постарались все представить в нужной постара представить в нужной форму. постарались все
😆 😆 😛 😉 🙂
Hahaha!
Agreed, Yuri!
You and I will just never understand the appeal of Two and a Half Men.
Does Yuri no longer need his supply?
Has the penile implant been implanted to the pleasure of Caterina?
presdave
😉
I think Yuri will keep peddling it – or some other variation on the theme for as long as he can.
I’d “spam him” but his jokes about Princess Benedikte Astrid Ingeborg Ingrid of Denmark, always crack me up.
I’m assuming you’re still up on their shoulders even now and have actually written and posted this blog via your Blackberry.
Which is probably why it went over Lynn’s head.
Coz you’re so high up.
And all.
Hahaha!
Help! It’s been two hours and they haven’t put me down!
My stomach is woozy, I have minor vertigo, my ass is numb, and I’m covered in warm beer and cold chicken!
Oh, the humanity…
In your next game, you need to get a career-ending injury. Something really dramatic, I can see a trip to the emergency room, CT scan, blood transfusion from Otto…it will be GREAT!!
😀
Good thinking, Aunt Baaa!
Damn good thinking.
Let’s see… Injuries… I could go shoulder, or knee, or leg, or hip, but I’m leaning toward my groin. A groin pull? A groin strain? A pulled and strained groin?
I’m open for suggestions.
Groin maul. Hello?
Oh, hello Claire.
😉
Hello, Alan.
How are you?
Not bad. I pulled my groin.
Generally, it feels better if someone else pulls it for you.
Oh sure, now you tell me.
So, what’s the deal with groin strains?
I don’t know. I’ve never strained mine.
http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/tc/groin-problems-and-injuries-topic-overview
Webmd says:
The groin areas are located on each side of the body in the folds where the abdomen joins the legs. The pubic area lies between the two groin areas.
They even have a picture for those who don’t know what a groin looks like: http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/the-groin
C’mon, now, did you really have to go look?
Did you notice the link says “popup/the-groin” before or after you clicked on it?
“Overuse injuries occur when too much stress is placed on an area. This often happens when you overdo an activity or repeat the same activity day after day. ”
So how many can claim that type of groin pull? And who wishes they could claim it?
I have a feature on my computer that blocks pop up groins.
Sounds painful.
The agony is the ecstasy.
So you like S&M then?
Sunshine & Mirth?
Seaside & Merriment?
Sodas & Meandering?
Sashaying & Musing?
Shrimps & Mussels?
They’re all good.
come on down to the gimcrack, I’m happy to check out your groin…..
Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse!
I would go for a pulled hamstring. That injury can take FOREVER to heal!
Although, not as racy as a groin pull.
Groin pulls really are racy, aren’t they? My parents always warned me to stay away from them.
😉
Groins or groin injuries?
Hahahaha!
You can’t have one without the other, so…
Both!
Next game you are playing shortstop! Beers after the game then?
Absolutely!
As long as they’re cold!
😛
Bravo!
As they say, luck favours the bold… and the distracted.
Thank you eksith,
And well said, as always.
But really, it’s my blackberry that deserves all the credit.
How many times do I have to tell you to quit catching things?
I’m going to lug a bowling ball at you.
What would they do if you just didn’t show up to the games? It’s not like you’re going to end up in little pieces in Otto’s filing cabinet…
I don’t mean to. I just stick my hands out and things land in them. It’s some sort of evil serendipity, I tells ya.
Lug a bowling ball at me? Replace bowling ball with scotch bottle, I think.
As they were carrying me off the field, Otto told me that if I ever needed a toe, he could help me out.
Eeep.
Eeep
Stop sticking your hands out.
I only resorted to the scotch bottles when you kept ducking the bowling balls.
At least Otto didn’t offer you a groin…
😀
Yes, that would have been very troubling…
More troubling than offering you a toe? Or more troubling than seeing the contents of his file cabinet and his to-do list?
I didn’t think so.
At first I read “his toe-do list”
That too was troubling.
😉
The toe-do list too was troubling. Have you noticed otto is an anagram of toot? Toto?
Drop a T and Otto becomes Too. Drop a t and he’s a tot. Otto’s toot toto too with a tot on his toe-do list too.
Say that five times fast!
I’m picturing softballs breaking windows……
…And the crabby old woman who won’t give them back.
There’s always a crabby old woman who won’t give them back!
Nice to see you, lucentabella.
Thanks for dropping by the office.
When is the release of “Checking My Blackberry and Other Baseball Cliches”? I want to reserve my copy today!
Is Carlita on the team?
“Checking My Blackberry and Other Baseball Cliches” arrives in the stores this Friday.
There will be special celebrity appearances at the event including the ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly, Charo, The Amazing Verlinni Brothers, and special musical duo act Nik Fiend and Mr. Capitalist Lion Tamer. Come for the beer, stay for the beer and wine.
Unfortunately Carlita is not on the baseball team. Apparently she plays “hardball” and doesn’t have time for corporate events that can only hurt her career.
She’s so wonderful.
Yes. We do an awesome version of “Dueling Banjos,” which isn’t so much about banjos as it is about pancake makeup and drum machines.
The fact that you know what pancake makeup is leads me to only two possible conclusions:
You are either a stage actor or a ballerina.
Or an Alien Sex Fiend…
Try this one for size and speed;
dave
Thanks Presidente Dave,
Sort of an Alvin and The Chipmunks meet The Bill Hillies.
Moves things along quicker so our four friends can get to their canoeing — and all the ensuing fun.
I assumed that The Bill Hillies were an invention of the Yuri type? But, no, they exist, from Canada and you can hear them warbling at;
http://www.garageband.com/artist/BillHillie
It says they met at the same company!!
I know… it’s Otto and alantru, you have other strings to your banjos.
dave
Dave,
Shhhh! That’s a secret! A deep, dark, terrible secret.
😀
CLT…
Word is you two are calling yourselves “The Alien Sex Capitalists”
We used to go with “Capitalist Sex Tamers” but we kept drawing a crowd of Promise Keepers and Jonas Brothers fans.
Riot!
On the plus side: You were drawing a lot of people. Those are kick ass ticket sales.
On the down side: They were Promise Keepers and Jonas Brothers fans.
You saved the game and the day. Don’t tell anyone it was a mistake, just let it ride. I was going to play on a company team, then I realized that I can’t go from the kitchen to the couch without breathing heavy. I was going to go a cheer them on from the stands, but then I realized that I could spend that energy eating a good corn dog and fries. So I went but I was the quietest fan out there.
Nice, Eric!
Sports could use a few more quiet fans if you ask me.
I tried to tell them it was a fluke my catching the ball but they were too busy cheering me on.
Today, I am the office hero. Tomorrow…?
I think all the softball stuff is nice, since you remedied the whole limp bat situation.
But I’m concerned that you wanted to be “towel boy.” Bat boy, I can kind of be on board with, but towel boy sounds questionable if you are trying to pass yourself off as heterosexual. I can’t really explain why, it just does.
Perhaps there is some subtext here, and that’s why Lynn had trouble. Exactly what does Carlita look like? Would you be happy or sad if she had an Adam’s apple?
😀
First off toots, I’m all man. Some of the manliest of men were towel boys. Genghis Khan was a towel boy, so was Andre The Giant, and Superman, and Batman and Robin, and the Three Musketeers, and Siegfried and Roy, and … Wait, where am I going with this?
Oh yeah, I think I would definitely prefer it if Carlita didn’t have an Adam’s apple.
I think Lynn has left for other reasons. I just checked Mr. Mills’ blog and she left him a note saying “I love you donald”
I replied “But Lynn, what about me?”
I think I may have sounded desperate.
Did I sound too desperate?
No, I sounded fine…
Batman AND Robin?
Ahem.
As for the desperateness, I think I recognize a certain amount of it. You ask a desperate question, then make a joke about it so it looks less desperate. But then you make sure your question is going to be answered because you really are desperate. In a way.
Whew, that was a lot of seriousness for one paragraph.
I think this Carlita business is damaging your ego. You need to hire a hooker.
Poor Batman and Robin. No one understood that they were the Siegfried and Roy of crime fighters.
I do believe I’m merrily comfortable with my relationship with the fine and upstanding, Mr. Donald Mills.
Maybe he and I will go out and get some hookers tonight.
Back in his day they were called “women of ill repute” dammit, and you didn’t hire them, they were glad to have you! Why, they begged to go home with you for FREE! And if they caught a disease it was the only thing anyone had ever given them and they were so grateful they married you!
Hmmm. Or maybe that only happened to him.
😉
If I had ever paid for a woman of ill repute, my dear old dad would have slapped my sex organs silly, washed my mouth out with penicillin, and then charged me 20 dollars for the service.
That’s wonderful! Never let on that it was a fluke.
I tried to tell them the truth. They weren’t hearing it. So that makes me the office hero until I do something stupid.
Counting down.
60, 59, 58…
What does being the office hero do for you?
Judging by how I was treated at the office today – not much. Apparently what happens on the ball field stays on the ball field.
😉
Oh. *sigh* Though I have to admit that I didn’t expect anything anyway. Whatever treatment you might have gotten would be weird, eccentric, and disturbing.
Hah! Yes, indeed.
In fact, I think “Weird, eccentric, and disturbing” should be Hamish Industries new slogan.
It’s catchy and pithy.
Nice job, spamwarrior!
You’re not a turd. You’re a Turd Blossom!
But in a better way than Karl Rove. Anyway. Assuming you don’t fake or induce a real injury, you can at least stop disparaging comments from Otto should be parried with oblique references to what you found in his Cube ‘O’ Horrors.
Thank you, mike…
Otto seems to have a new found respect for me. Today he has told me if I ever need any of the following to just let him know and he’ll “make it happen…
Spare body parts
Information on American Elves
A glass of Yak milk
A dead hamster
Information on Sperm Banks
A “To Do” list
Information on how to make a bomb
Unnerving.
So from “turd” to hero … my my – how one fly ball, a lucky glove and bright lights can turn a game.
I suspect you will be getting a few visitors at your desk over the next few days. I also suspect you’ll secretly want to call in sick. 🙂
Ha!
Hey Chris, I suspect my status as “office hero” will soon return back to its regular lowly one of “That idiot, Alpo.”
I just overheard Naline on the phone saying, “Yeah, it was an awesome catch that Alpo made. Still, he is a bit of a knob.”
Back to earth I come.
Bob Jones’ Revolving Doors…uumm! You realize I would have to root for them. I am literally on my way out the door for a week or so. Have a great week hero, I’ll check in if I get a chance.
I understand completely.
Have a great week.
I definitely wouldn’t recommend a groin injury …. NO WAY …. you may have Otto offering to rub it better …. I feel ill …..
I’ll rub it better 😀
😆
Julie,
It’s official!
You’re a true friend!
Did the people from Bob Jones Revolving Doors all graduate from Bob Jones University? Home of the Fighting Apostles? Winners of the Kentucky derby of Dino riding? How many of Bush’s ex-D.O.J. employees did you run into?
The Window Pains? Brilliant!!
Two kinds of people love company softball; the ex-high school jock who is desperately trying to relive his glory days, and the alcky, happy to latch onto another reason to pound beers in the early afternoon. Unfortunately, I fall into both categories. Damn it! If only Spain had company softball. The scariest part is; I think I’m starting to like Otto!
At first I read that part to be “Window Palins,” in which case I was going to say everyone would be so distracted that the game would be a wash.
And Tannerleah would start showing up, which could be bad for company morale.
“Home of the Fighting Apostles”
Riot!
Scott,
So along with being an ex-high school jock and an early morning beer-pounder, you also have dreams of world domination.
I’ll need to keep my eye on you.
😉
The technical details of your game of rounders went over my head, mainly cos I was recumbent with mirth from the mental imge of “… sweaty co-workers slapping each other’s rumps…”
In UK we would call this corporal punishment, foreplay or sexual assault, all depending on the circumstances.
To do it in the open with warm beer and cold chicken tells of desperate times ahead. Get out the dental dams!!!!!!!
dave
Too rich! 😛
Ah yes, the new mantra for these trying times.
“When all else fails — break out the dental dams!”
WAIT WAIT WAIT.
I’ll be honest Alan, I am really starting to think you are making up all these stories about your life.
You just coopted the story line of Lupus in the Bad News Bears.
Hey bearman,
Never saw the movie.
Love the name Lupus. I think we have a Lupus in the mailroom. If not, I think I’ll make it so.
I’m not making it up: Everything you read here is pretty much 100% true.
Never saw the movie. Well let me give you the synopsis of the Lupus kid.
Can’t hit, Can’t Catch.
They stick him in the outfield…he closes his eyes and gets the key catch of the game.
I like the sound of him. Did he have a blackberry? Did he have Lupus?
*Sign* Accidental awesomeness is the worst. Now they’ll expect you to perform that adorably for the rest of the season. I say you go out, get drunk, & break a bone. That’ll show em’.
I like this plan of yours.
It involves getting drunk. I’ve been told I shine at that.
I’ll start now.
[…] Adventures in Soft Ball « Sick DaysIt was a long dark night of softball. Everytime I said “Is it over yet?” drunk Mary Margaret would respond with “You’re such a turd, Alpo.” But things got interesting in the bottom of the 9th. We were winning. They were up at bat. … […]
Hi Alan,
OMG, what could be worse than being, “required” (even if only by peer pressure), to spend time with coworkers playing ball?
Again, I must reiterate: YOU NEED A FREAKING ONGOING MEDICAL, “CONDITION!!” Gads, Alan, when are you going to listen to me? I have been around the proverbial block a lot more times than have you, and I know from where I speak! Okay, here’s a thought: A bulbous cyst on your ass!
Yes!
It kept bluster-mouth, Rush Limbaugh out of the military; I am fairly certain it could rescue you from bloody softball!! (Unless you like it now that you have become a “star?”)
Sally P :!
You’d think that Rush Limbaugh’s pill addiction would have been enough.
In the spirit of avoiding all things associated with bluster-mouth, Rush, maybe I’ll go with narcolepsy.
Although, I really shouldn’t make light of narcolepsy. I don’t think my good pal, FJ, would approve.
http://fundamentaljelly.com/2009/03/13/haggling-over-narcolepsy/
Yay, Alan!! My hero!
Thanks Andi!
Most of the credit goes to my blackberry – and the rest goes to dumb luck.
😉
well better than cricket anyway
speaking of getting hits with the ladies – after watching this you might want to move to Sydney
Cheers lisleman,
Yes. The endless 16 hour adventure that is a game of cricket. Fun video. See what you mean!
LOSTL!
that guy that said that he insults women sounds like my friend and web administration man Rick! LOSTL!
Too bad we’re not in Sydney, but down south in melbourne. The ladies are lovely all around our great country though!
Bob
Bob,
Thank goodness you’re here.
Donald Mills and I must visit your wonderful country sometime. It would be great to meet you and your mum.
It would be a lovely visit from new friends for sure! Id offer to stay at my place, but mum doesnt like house guests because she would need to make more Cabbage and Potatoes for all!
Bob
seems like mary margaret has the right idea. softball is so over rated but i’m glad you were the hero! now tequila~ goes great with cold chicken and i know this as a fact! yea Window Pains!!
Hey Lynn,
Must be something in the air. I was just visiting you.
Oh yeah on the tequila and cold chicken… As our pal, Don, would say, “damn straight!”
😉
I love your posts, I feel as if I’m experiencing my own life at work vicariously through you. Which adds a layer of surrealism, since I am actually at work while reading your posts…its a vicious circle.
Regardless, I just wanted to let you know I’m impresssed that you are getting out there and being a good sport. Like they always say, there’s no “I” in team. You should also take comfort in the fact they refered to your appendage as a bat, whether it be limp or not.
Thanks for sharing, and sorry about the crackberry.
b
PS. That Farook kills me…he really is “on fire”.
Cheers bschooled,
Nice to see you again, and thanks for the delightful comment. Much appreciated. I shall take comfort in the “bat” crack.
My dear old friend, Mr. Donald Mills, has brought your wonderful blog to my attention, and for that, I owe him a debt of thanks.
Of course, in his day, if he had ever owed anyone a debt of thanks, his good old dad would have cracked some sense into his skull with a ceramic piggybank and then sent his bankrupt butt off to Debtors’ Prison.
You can say that again…or type that again, in this case.
What can I say about Don. Every day I give thanks for being lucky enough to stumble across such a well-versed anti-visionary.Truth be told, that man makes me want to be a more obedient, well-bred person.
And were it not for Mr. Mills, I would not have found you either…actually that’s a lie. I’m sure I would have found you eventually. Every so often I tend to google tag words like Hamish and Nutless Tom…just to get an idea of what’s out there, you know?
I do, indeed.
“a well-versed anti-visionary”
I very much like that and suspect old crabby would too.
I’m happy to say that a search for “weirdo co-workers” “party monster sick” and “groin mauling” would also have got you here as well.
Although my good pal, fundamentaljelly, now tops the groin mauling list.
I believe this pleases him.
Groin mauling?
Oh, nevermind, now I get it…I had to use the online translator for that term.
Here in Canada we call it “heavy petting”.
I wonder what it’s called in Montreal?
It probably sounds quite wonderful.
This preoccupation with groins and soft balls prompted me to google the words and review the results.
http://uselessmen.blogspot.com/2006/05/question-295-groin-pull.html
is one of the better comments to consider.
dave
😀
Excellent research, el Presidente!
Very funny.
Thanks,
Alan
LOSTL! I love watching the baseballs. it makes a loud CRACK when the ball its the bat! SO LUXURIOUS!
Sounds like a ripping good time, alan. I hope you made the most of it, although, why were you eating blackberries when you should be out on the field? LOSTL! You’re so funny!
That mary sounds mean, she shouldnt be calling people “turds” and i dont think thats very ladylike.
anyway, i hope you had fun on the field. Hit a homer for me the next time!
Bob
Bob,
Splendiferous to see you and thank goodness you’re here.
I too prefer watching baseball, Bob. The main reason being you don’t really have to watch it all the time. In fact, you can bring a book and be even more highly entertained. I always suggest bringing Uta Hagen’s “Respect For Acting” to baseball games. And as you are a master thespian, Bob, I believe this would even more beneficial for you.
Thanks again for the well wishes, Bob. Mary Margaret is mostly nice and tends to cry a lot. It would appear she is a bit of a nasty drunk. Stay away from the drunk baseball fans, Bob. They’re problematic.
Alan
LOSTL! Books at baseball games! Ive never been. Ive only seen them on the televisions at Timmy’s house. It looks lovely! CRACK!
I shall try and stay away from those drunks. To be sure!
Bob
A wise plan, Bob.
Looking forward to reading about your latest escapades.
As always — thank goodness you’re here.
FOR THE ATTENTION OF ALL TRULY SICKIES, YOUR PRESIDENTE WISHES YOU TO KNOW THAT;
In just a few days alantru will have completed six months of blogging from Hamish Industries.
The first episode way back on 5 january 2009 attracted just 6 comments (and I am very proud to say that I was one of them). Since then, well, 100 comments is a low average, didn’t one collect over 240?
Thus, please join me in congratulating the boss on such an epic production, to which look forward to enjooying many more months!
Best
Dave
Thanks very much, Dave!
That’s really kind of you. I think one did get 240. But, truth be told, half of those were from me.
So that’s 120.
I think 40 of them were from Yuri. So that’s 80.
As well there a bunch from:
Millicent Bodsworth (aka Yuri)
Groin Maul Terry (aka Millicent Bodsworth)
The Ghost of Helen Kane (aka Groin Maul Terry)
Joey Bananas (Yuri, again)
Subtract the wonderful and hilarious repeat comments from BKT, FJ, CLT, CC, Sally P and el presidente Dave and that leaves a grand total of…
6 comments.
😉
Cheers, Dave!
(P.S. Joshing aside, thanks to EVERYONE for the visits and the wonderfully fabulous comments. You good folks are all hilarious and inspiring.)
Congrats Alan! I wish You’d found me back when you posted your first post. I would’ve been here with El Presidente urging you on!
😉
Thanks, Claire!
duncanr and my good friends over at The Mad Hatters have posted a fabulous video that takes a look behind the scenes at Hamish Industries. Bless their cotton socks.
Check it out. It’s a riot! 🙂
http://madhatters.me.uk/2009/06/25/the-great-office-war/#comment-24612
Bloody brilliant fun.
(PS where was it filmed and how much did the ‘actors’ have to pay to take part?)
dave
😉
Great stuff, isn’t it?
Hahahhaha its great to the the hero good job..Zman sends
Thank you, Zman!
Good to see you!