This morning, Nutless Tom told me he was getting married.
I said “Congratulations!”
He said “Thanks. You’ll be my best man, right?”
He looked… puzzled.
Up until this morning, I thought “Nutless Tom” was one of the few sane people here.
We’d had a couple of friendly conversations and gone out for a beer – once.
I had to end this – fast!
Me: Umm, Tom, uh, I… Nerk!!!
Tom: Thanks, pal. I knew I could count on my BFF, Alpo.
Tom: Sure. I got rid of all my old friends last year. They were dragging me down. You’re my go to guy now, Alan.
Me: Me? No! Look, I –
Tom: You’ll love Tracy.
Tom: I met her last week. We’re getting married in two months. Is that too soon? The wedding theme is the 1920’s. How do you feel about top hats and spats?
Me: Tom, I barely know you.
Tom: Ha, ha! That’s funny, Alpo. You should use that in your speech.
Me: My what?
Tom: At the wedding. Your speech. Anyway, I’ll let you start thinking on bachelor party ideas. Nothing to raunchy, okay, buddy? But nothing too tame either.
Tom: We can talk tuxes at lunch. Think about top hats and spats. Oh! Plus you need to meet Tracy. And my family. And hers! We’re all having dinner next week. Actually there’s gonna be a bunch of upcoming dinners… So clear your calendar. I’m so happy! And the best part? She’s a Scientologist too!