So, my boss, Clark, assigned me to participate on the “spirit” committee…
Our job was to come up with ways to boost employee morale and “foster a positive and productive workplace culture.”
I was skeptical, cynical, and uninterested, which – apparently – made me an ideal candidate for membership…
But I did my part and showed up at the meetings.
I wouldn’t call them productive but we did get one idea off the ground…
“The First Annual Hamish Awards.”
…I didn’t say it was a good idea.
But it was all we had.
So we prepared nomination forms, posters and communication materials and were planning a lunch hour “event kick off” later this month…
Unfortunately, it appears our chair, Trudy from HR, overstepped her authority.
Turns out that forms, posters, kick offs and awards cost money.
And while Hamish Industries is big on “spirit” it is even bigger on “cost constraint.”
I’m told the “upper ups” went ballistic when Trudy shared our plan.
Apparently their plan was that we could “foster a positive and productive workplace culture” without a budget.
(I guess they were thinking “free spirit.” Although, I’m sure they’re not too fond of that either.)
And so, in typical Hamish Industries fashion, I received a memo this morning thanking me for my participation but advising that the “spirit” committee was being disbanded and that all “spirit activities” were being suspended until such time as a more fiscally responsible spirit committee could be appointed.
Please feel free to frown, however.
Well that’s not very nice. Ask any parent … fun and good feelings cost money! What did they expect the ‘spirit committee’ to do with no money? Have a sing-a-long?
Chris,
Your suggestion of ‘sing-a-long’ has been approved.
“Row, row, row, your boat…”
Everyone!
LOL! But I can’t think of anyone that really does any singing except that Goth kid.
😉
Naline sings too! Country music. All day long. Mostly Dolly Parton songs.
Oh, how she sings…
Oh right, her…. I forgot about her… did she actually go through with her plans to become a dolly parton lookalike?
I think her plan is to be Dolly ready and Dolly transformed for Dollywood this summer.
That’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “Dolly” three times in one sentence!
Haha.
I just thought that if I worked at your office I’d be singing Taylor Swift nonstop. Taylor Swift is essential to my concentration.
“it’s a love story baby just say yes…”
I’ve been ear-wormed by the Vancouver band,
“Mother Mother”
But if I sang their songs out loud I suspect I’d attract an angry mob with torches and pitchforks.
I have no tone. I warble. And I do it off key.
😀
I’m confused, probably because reading makes it impossible to pick up on feeling and/or inflection of your words, but isn’t this exactly what you wanted? Your blog seems to have an air of sadness or disappointment to it. Could it be that once you were in, you found out that “spirit committee” is where it’s at, (all the rage)? You could have suggested paper certificate awards be given out, (which you created on your own time and dime and printed at Kinko’s, not at the office). That surely would have driven you to “president of spirit” which is where I believe you want to live. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this…
Oh, you…
You had me going for a second, RR. Okay, a minute. But you are right, and I already miss the potential hours that I could have spent at Kinko’s (next to Disneyland it’s the happiest place on earth). And it would have been an honor to have donned the ‘President of Spirit” crown. But, alas, it was not meant to be.
Ah well, I’ll always have my dreams…
Oh how I don’t miss the Corp days sitting on committees. They come from top mgmt as bright ideas and mid level mgmt kills it. At least you know deep down you are the most spirited person there.
Hi there dailyuplift,
Thank you. My hope is that one day I will be spirited away from here forever!
😉
Thanks for dropping by the office.
Can spirit really die?
You could revive it all by yourself, Alan. Where’s the pom poms and cheerleading outfit? Especially with the downsizing going on, it’s time to put yourself in a position of power and I think the pom poms and resurrection of your spirit are just the ticket for your continued employment.
Alan dons the pom poms and sings…
I’ve got spirit! Yes, I do
Tons of spirit! Woo hoo hoo!
I’m stuffed full of spirit, as you can see
Do me a favour, and please kill me!
If that doesn’t get Clark’s attention, nothing will…
You should see the choreography routine that goes along with it!
It’s flouncy isn’t it?
Very flouncy! Very flouncy, indeed.
Put it on youtube. =D
😉
I’ll have to get new business cards printed up if I do…
“Alan Truitt: Office Laughing Stock!”
Oh, you have business cards? Well, of course you do. may I have one?
Of course! 😉
At first glance I thought that said “porn porns.” Then I thought to myself, NO! It must say “porn POMS.” Glad I got that straightened out.
And also, sorry to be so annoying. 🙂
arghhhhh. Nothing like a typo to ruin a half-decent joke.
Fixed! Like my cat was. Actually, it’s nothing like that at all…
You are NEVER annoying! Delightful and witty, yes. Annoying — never.
Is anyone surprised? Due to my recent collaboration with Coffman Industrial Flavorings, I have been told that their version of this—the Alex Committee—is having similar problems. Apparently, this dearth of goodwill is moving through the business world faster than the Swine Flu. You are not alone my friend.
Shouldn’t that be “The Alixir Committee?” *giggle giggle snort* Ha! I slay me.
You slay me too.
Swine Flu! There’s your lubricant’s flavor!!
http://fundamentaljelly.com/2009/05/01/product-testing/
Perfect! We kill two birds here – FJ has his flavoring and no one wants to have sex anymore, so no more AIDS!
Oh rats, I forgot about those goddamn kids and their heroin needle drugs.
😉
Goddamn too tall, tattooed, mumbling, fornicating and illiterate drug using teenagers!
You forgot about the weird hair. And the misuse of “your” and “you’re.”
You’re right… I did.
I think we know whose fault that is.
The goddamned teenagers!
Hah!!!
At this rate we should be able to save the world by the next post.
Too rich.
Hamish Window/Door Industrial Flavoring Philanthropic Industries: Saving the world one clusterduck at a time.
You’re a comedy machine, BKT!
You need a diversional therapist like we have at the gimcrack. she’ll have you making slippers out of continence pads in no time. oh wait…. continence pads aren’t free at your office are they?
come on down under alantru, we’ve got diapers to spare in australia…..
First of all it was “Free Ram” and now it’s “Free Continence Pads.”
The temptation of Alan Truitt is complete…
I’m on way.
You’ve got an extra room in the gimcrack, yes?
uh oh, I can se Trudy is going to have to work hard to avoid the down-sizing you talked of previously, although on the upside you could tell the upper-ups you thought her idea was silly all along and get in there for the new HR role 🙂
Hi, me (chortle)…
“Alan Truitt — The Beast from HR”
I like it. It’s catchy and has a swaggering sound. A porn star swaggering sound.
Hmmm… Maybe just “Alan Truitt — HR Hamish Industries”
🙂
Well, I blame Clark! He obviously took a shot from the hip with this “Spirit Commitee” idea and should have laid out the mission statement and fiscal guidelines for governing the commitee. Does he do things like this all the time? Maybe he needs to go!
Russellingalong…
Are you suggesting “Mutiny on The Hamish”?
You should have a Max and Naline Rock off!
😉
“I’m a little bit country/I’m a little bit Goth with no soul”
You slay me, too. Truly. 🙂
ROFL!
😉
Thanks for setting it up, Archie!
Cheers!
Alan
Everyone gets a free illegally downloaded movie! They would probably squash that, too.
I can’t see why. There’s nothing illegal about illegal downloading, is there?
Not unless you’r below the age of 10 or above the age of 80, apparently. Beware of “Happy Birthday” (simply the RIAA’s near-anagram of “entrapment”).
I recently downloaded a song by The Residents, I wish I could remember from where…
I need to find an anagram for RIAA… Righteously Indignant Association of Assholes
I’ll keep thinking…
That should keep me out of trouble.
http://totallyfuzzy.blogspot.com/
Nice link, thanks!
Just remember that all music posted at wherever the hell that was that you got that is posted for novelty purposes only, and is not suitable for children under the age of three (choking hazard, inappropriate subject matter, 6/8 time signature incredibly difficult for the Kidz to Bop to).
😉
Thank you for the delightful legalese warning, CLT. (Think I read a variation on that theme somewhere… I think.)
Mostly the same dealio here…
http://cliffrichardsneck.blogspot.com/
http://nightofthepurplemoon.blogspot.com/
http://sadsongsfordirtylovers.blogspot.com/
http://castlesinspace.blogspot.com/
http://eldiablotuntun.blogspot.com/
http://commercialzone.blogspot.com/
http://twilightzone-rideyourpony.blogspot.com/
http://cactusmouthinformer.blogspot.com/
http://lost-in-tyme.ucoz.com/
http://phoenixhairpins.blogspot.com/
http://c-60lownoise.blogspot.com/
http://funderglass.blogspot.com/
http://onlynohits.blogspot.com/
http://nuzzprowlinwolf.blogspot.com/
http://sonsofthedolls.blogspot.com/
http://asfm.blogspot.com/
http://the-roadhouse-viander.blogspot.com/
http://buildingadraintohousetheinsane.blogspot.com/
http://chocoreve.blogspot.com/
http://digitalmeltd0wn.blogspot.com/
http://frisiansotherfavorites.blogspot.com/
http://hangoverhard.blogspot.com/
http://iorel69.wordpress.com/
http://youngmosstongue.blogspot.com/
http://iorel69.wordpress.com/
http://thethingonthedoorstep.blogspot.com/
http://www.killyourpetpuppy.co.uk/news/
http://www.indiesurfer.blogspot.com/
http://itsnotthebandihateitstheirfans.blogspot.com/
http://punkfriction.blogspot.com/
http://rocketremnants.blogspot.com/
http://thep5.blogspot.com/
http://linvitationausuicide.blogspot.com/
http://lodepituco.blogspot.com/
In case I missed anything…
For the seniors like me who enjoy their 78’s…
http://westernswing78.blogspot.com/
Holy fucking shit.
I’ll begin wading thru those immediately. Thanks for the generous heads-up, Al.
My pleasure. I hope you find a few sites there of interest.
The gravy bread MP3 list is unbelievably extensive.
(Funny you should say “Al” …Something coming up about that soon…)
Spirits of spirit committees past. If that doesn’t boost the old morale, nothing will!
Ah!
A Hamish Carol.
Ghost of Jacob Marley: “Business? Hamish Industries was my business!!!”
So I’m guessing a few flyers printed on company purchased paper (meant for “real work”) is out of the question? You could do a lot of it by email. At least the notifications part.
Sheesh what stick-in-the-muds!
Yes, they truly are lacking in spirit.
On the upside, I can catch up on my sleep here.
😉
Catch up on mine, too, will ya?
Hah!
Okay, I’ll see what I can do, Skatha.
But you must remember, and this is very important… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
A friend of mine was in the Air Force and his commanding officer once called a meeting. He opened it by saying, “I understand morale is low.”
He closed it by saying, “As of now, that’s no longer true!”
There was no middle of this speech.
😀
He had a good speech editor!
I always loved those iniatives that had no budget.
Me too. They’re like the little guy. I always root for the little guy.
Hi Alan,
Okay, it’s all well and good to, “Foster a positive and productive workplace culture,” and all that jazz – BUT, you are forgetting what is even MORE important here: Money for the CEO’s “Retention Bonus!” Yeah, business is down, and office moral in the toilet, but first and foremost we MUST keep that guy (and we just know he is a middle-aged White guy) in order to maintain the status quo! After this, I suspect that Trudy’s days could be numbered…
Sally P !!
So true, Sally P
So very true.
I sometimes wonder just how many of us office drones here at Hamish Industries also have “days that are numbered.”
The Days That Are Numbered…
Good name for an office Soap Opera.
Go with the Free Spirit theme. Nothing says free spirit better than an old-fashioned streaking.
As you run by everyone’s cube (with the requisite pom poms) shouting “I’ve got spirit, yes I do!”, someone is sure to call out,” Oh yeah, he’s got HUGE spirit!”
Costs nothing. Other than bail money.
Hahahaha!
Thank you for the extremely generous appraisal of my, um, “spirit-hood.”
Other words have been used in the past.
Don’t recall HUGE being one of them…
I was getting excited there: my Mum has a dog called Hamish and I was going to enter him for the awards. He’s an ugly bastard, but if the field was narrowed to creatures with the name ‘Hamish’ only, it would have given him a fighting chance.
Somewhere out there is a football hooligan named “Hamish the Ugly Bastard.”
And if there isn’t, there should be.
Uh oh…. no FAHA Awards Banquet to look forward to??? No “Silver Spatula Spirit” award for the cafeteria staff??? That can’t be good news. Rumor has it that Edna, the lunch lady was already planning to display it on the shelf above the condiment table, right next to the Raid Ant and Roach Spray. She was really looking forward to accepting the “Silver Spatula” on behalf of the rest of the cafeteria staff, and was already working on her speech. She really likes to give speeches, Alan, and now, well…her voice will be stifled. It’s not good to stifle the lunch lady. She knows where the food has been. No “Silver Spatula Spirit” award……be afraid Alan, be very afraid.
I’m sleeping with one eye open, Spuddy. And a handgun under my pillow.
Not that it will do me any good.
Once Edna the evil lunch lady decides she’s coming after you then you’re toast.
P.S. I am aware of the irony of the breakfast metaphor regarding the lunch lady.
Blame it on the fear inspired by Evil Edna.
Oh the things she’s been known to do with a hair net….it would just scare the bo-bo balls right off ya!
Hahaha! And make you up-chuck your orange sauce!
My mother’s dog says those rumours about him at Arsenal are fabricated.
I’ve seen the tattoos, though. He’s not fooling me.
Not to make sweeping generalizations but all Arsenal fans are liars and talking dogs.
What about mandatory brown bag lunches? Then you can lead a sort of sandwich game (think White Elephant – do you know that one?) and everyone can dicker for the one they want.
Nothing like a little free mystery meat or musty hummus to create false camaraderie.
Oooh! It’s like Dirty Santa, with lunch meat. Yum. Here’s some advice, Alan. Be the dickish one who brings a crap present, like Spam or something. People love that.
I’m already packing my tongue & liver sandwiches!
“Dirty Santa with Lunch Meat”
Didn’t that star a young Dirk Diggler…?
“Dirk Does Deli?”
Open: A pastrami on rye sits on a worn out couch.
SFX: Doorbell rings.
Pastrami: Entrée (giggles at her word play).
Enter Tony (as played by Dirk Diggler). He is dressed in a tight fitting TV repairman outfit.
Tony: TV repairman. I’m here to fix your TV. Because I’m a TV repairman… That’s what TV repairmen do. They fix the TV,
Pastrami: Ooooh! It’s right over there…
Tony bends over. Pastrami admires his curvaceous bottom.
Tony: Wait a minute… There’s nothing wrong with this TV…
Just then, Pastrami realized she had no time for dalliances with Dirk Diggler. Or, um,
“What’s your name again, sweetie?”
“Tony. It’s Tony, hot stuff.”
“Yeah, well, Tony – look, I’ve got a yard sale going on Saturday and I have about 1001 books to sort through and figure out which ones to sacrifice. I have seedlings to transplant, a raised bed and trellises to build, and three children who all need me to get them shit or take them places. I’m hot and dirty and sweaty and I’m not feeling very amorous, I’m sure you understand.”
“But, Pastrami,” Dirk said, approaching her anxious, hand-wringing form, “you’re so sexy when you’re homemaking. Or homesteading. Or, you know…doing stuff. Come on, baby. It’s just a kiss.”
“Dirk, Dirk, please. If you kiss me now, I’ll be too busy writing the grocery list in my head to enjoy it. How about this weekend? Is this weekend okay?”
“Listen,” he said, pulling her towards him, “I can make you forget all this.”
He kisses her passionately, cradling her head in his hands.
“Oh, Dirk. Yes, yes. And again, yes.” (those damn Russians are always intruding in my porn/romance/pulp fiction)
Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
Sorry, I inadvertently took it from screenplay to novel. And boy the comments look a lot longer after they’re plastered all up on the thread like that.
And actually, that line might be French – Madame Bovary. I was thinking Anna Karenina again, but no…pretty sure it was Flaubert.
I thought it flounced at a torrid pace. It had breaming rhythm. It had a lusty spirit…
It bounced like pastrami’s heaving buns, moist from the warm luncheon meat and still reeling from the pickle on the side.
Dirk picked up the sandwich and eyed it with salivating hunger.
He pressed hot pastrami to his lips and they made passionate lunch.
Good plan, Dr. Pam!
Although, I was hoping we could create an atmosphere of false camaraderie with meds and alcohol.
I’ll try the White Elephant lunch meat game.
If that fails at least I have a “Plan B.”
To raise the spirit of the company…we are taking the rest of the day off. It won’t cost the company any money because we aren’t productive while we are here and they still pay us.
bearman! You’re working here now? It sounds like you may be my boss. And a fun boss at that!
Disbanded… thats a shame, I was just about to suggest pumping Nitrous oxide into the air conditioning system. That would cost something though wouldn’t it.
It would. But I know a guy who can get it for me cheap. When I asked me where he got it, he told me it “fell of the back of a truck.” Sounds plausible.
I understand the Dead are touring again. How many balloons can you fit in your vehicle? (Balloons, smart ass, not clowns).
All my balloons come with clowns!
😀
Too bad it was disbanded! or is it? I applaud you for your effort 🙂
Thank you, lori78. I can now get back to the serious business of playing solitaire on my computer.
Makes sense. No reason to waste resources trying to raise spirits during a recession. Wait til the good times – it’s easier and much, much cheaper.
Good point, Susan
I guess we can always save some money by building a rooftop garden on top of the Hamish Building.
http://www.babbleoncom.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=78:mark-cullens-canadian-garden-primer&catid=36:blog&Itemid=50
Aww, man. I was already to be the third party helper (for a fee). I stayed in all weekend setting up activities that could be done on a budget. I’m hurt. The next time I see Clark kick his golf ball out of the rough I’m calling him on it!
Hahaha!
Nice one, Mike!
It’s about time someone called “6 handicap” Mike on that.
I guess this brit Ben Southall has the spirit. He just landed one hell of dream job.
Well at least I was able to post about it. Maybe some of his gregarious spirit will rub off on my blog.
thanks
Wow. That guy has spirit for sure!
The last place I worked at, the CEO asked me if I had any ideas to boost morale. I told him money is tight and even if he offered free movie tickets to the most productive employee every week that would help. He didn’t like the idea. Anything that costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is not a good idea it seems.
Hey Office Rave,
Thanks for dropping by Hamish Industries.
Yes, indeed, any inspiring ideas that cost cold hard cash are now mostly frowned upon (unless they are bonuses for CEO’s, although that’s been so overdone).
I toyed with the idea of suggesting a “treasure hunt” in the dumpster at the back of the building. The prize? A six-pack buried at the bottom of it.
But according to those in charge, “six-packs don’t grow on trees.”
Those in charge are right. Six-packs don’t grow on trees. They grow in the ground.
Barley, hops, various grains and flavors. All in the ground. Yeast is a fungus so I would imagine it is also grown somewhere around ground level. Unless it’s distilled from lichens.
Aluminum makes up about 8% of the earth’s crust (“ground” in layman’s terms). Unless it’s bottled, in which case the glass is made from heated sand, an essential element in “ground.”
Unless of course, those in charge were daydreaming of a shirtless Brad Pitt, in which case this “six-pack” would only be found in trees during a particularly adventureous photo shoot.
Total hilarity!!!
Hope you enjoy the links. Long live RIAA!
I’m sure Bender would have had something to say about our friends at the Royally Inactive Aardvarks of Antigua.
this is fabulously funny!
and isn’t there talk of “spirits” associated with Scrooge? –op
Thank you openpalm,
Yes indeed: I believe the story is called “A Christmas Hamish”
😀
I happened to see that big list of mp3 blogs up there. Do you happen to know of one that has pop songs from the 1920s and ’30s?
I do… 😉
http://inkhornterm.blogspot.com/
Awesome. I’m going to go have a listen right now. Thanks!
No problem, Mike.
Check out the mp3 links there.
More stuff to be found.
LOL. I can’t believe they would ask you to make a spirit committee and then expect to not spend money. Do they expect that a new one will not spend money either.
It’s quite the little operation they’ve got going on, isn’t it?
I honestly have no idea what goes on in their Hamish heads. Which is probably for the best.
😉
wow… that puts a damper on things. 😉
Yeah. Just a lot! 😉