Nutless Tom made me his best man for his Scientology wedding.
But now he’s unhappy. It seems I’ve been failing in my “best man duties.”
According to Nutless:
-I wasn’t “chipper” enough during the Sunday 10am tux fitting.
-I haven’t been very “witty” at the biweekly Friday night family wedding dinner plans (apparently my jokes about Tom Cruise are tasteless and have to stop).
-I’m not “flexible” enough with his neverending location changes for his bachelor party.
…Oh, and my “constant sighing” is starting to annoy him.
And today he told me I needed to rewrite my wedding speech.
I said “Look, Tom, I barely know you. What do you want me to say?”
He said “Fine, I’ll write it.”
He just emailed me my speech.
Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be saying to a roomful of strangers…
When I first met Tom, I knew that we would not only be best friends, but that he would be a mentor to me. A hero. I love you, man!!!! Tom is the funniest zany I’ve ever met. But seriously… It’s a true honour to know someone as righteous as this dude. I’ll never forget the first time he told me about the Church of Scientology. It changed my life forever…