Mildred’s lawsuit is fast turning into the summer blockbuster here at Hamish Industries.
It has all of the markings of a big budget movie extravaganza. Intrigue, suspense, and a disgruntled lead woman with a high priced Scottish lawyer.
The reviews aren’t in yet but based on Clark’s complexion, he’s not enjoying the show.
Mildred’s lawyer, Duncan MacIntosh, was at the office today to have a meeting with the CEO, company lawyers and a hungover looking Clark.
I don’t know what the outcome was but when they came out of the boardroom, Mr. MacIntosh was smiling, Mildred had her hands over her head in an “I am the champion” salute and Clark looked like he had been ridden all night and put away wet.
We’re a sympathetic group and, as such, Farook immediately initiated an office pool. The betting has been fierce.
The current odds on favorite is that Clark is about to be fed to the corporate wolves and that Mildred is either going to receive a lavish buy out, get her job back, or both.
Sounds about right to me.
My confirmation came when Clark walked up to my desk with a box of pencils and barked out “See these? Well apparently anyone can stuff them up their girdle, take them home, and no one gives a crap.”
Then he threw them in my lap, marched into his office and slammed the door shut.
I should probably return Mildred’s stapler…
Phirst!
Stapler? Stapler?
Didn’t that outher girl call them Nail-hers ? 😉
Hah!
First and hilarious. 😉
You win your choice of the following…
a) A talking, singing and dancing mad cow
b) Some money and beer
c) Three free golf lesson with “Lulu” the curvaceous golf pro
d) A day of bowling with this dude http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/
e) All of the above
I’ll take C,
hoping for a hole in one 😉
Can I have the mad cow?
Yes, Of course you can!
Good choice, I might add. We have plenty of mad cows to spare here at the 12 Days of Sick Days
They include…
12 Mad Cows a Frothing
11 Lords a Leering
10 Inches Throbbing
9 Edible Undies
8 Sex Gang Merkins
7 Swamps for Swimming
Sex Geese for Laying
5 Brass Cock Rings
4 Kinds of Ointment
3 French Ticklers
2 Headed Dildo
And Herpes a Social Disease
You got it!
Fore!!!!
Why didn’t anyone select E? My guess is they’re all afraid of the bowling date.
Hahaha…
I wish he was kinder to his brother, York.
That guy is a barrel of bacon fat.
Return the stapler asap along with any pencils you’ve “borrowed” during your employment there.
What are you going to do if they decide you’re a witness?
“When merkins walked like men”? really? Wow…
The stapler is back. And I’m pencil-free. Ha!
If they decide I’m a witless… Sorry, witness, then I’ll do what I always do in these situations. I’ll initiate my wildly incredible office master escape diversion plan…
Yes, I’ll hide under the photocopiers.
I know, but it works all the time.
PS: It’s true. Billions of years ago, they walked like men…
Maybe you can be a half-wit-ness? half-wit-less?
You spend way too much time under the photocopiers. You know that’s where the dust bunnies live.
PS: Billions of years ago, they were smarter than men too. oh wait, maybe they still are!
Haiku Reply
Claire, I can do both
I’m down with the dust bunnies
The merkins still are.
Beware women and photocopier machines.
tee hee hee
Hah!
We don’t want to give Farook any ideas!
OMG. I just realized why our copier at work is always broken and what the big smudges on the glass are from.
For a tuneful consideration of the anatomy of women, listen to;
If you need translation of the lyrics from ‘tike’ to english, visit;
http://www.jakethackray.com/content/view/82/27/
Or, better still, have the video and lyric open at same time and sing along, if no females around…ahhh, found by…
dave
😉
Cheers, Mr. Presidente!
I have a merkin made from dust bunnies.
Oh, hi again, Claire.
Yes, I know. I saw it over at Eric’s Soupalaxy.
Very impressive! 😉
http://soupalaxy.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/the-belligerent-homeless-person-and-a-bit-of-advice/#comment-2531
Do you realize what kind of money these summer blockbusters have been making lately? I’ll put it this way; If Mildred likes Sanford pencils, she could just go buy the company, like that silly little razor blade man did. Now Clark is despondent and Mildred is on her way to becoming loaded! Only good things can come of this, only good things indeed!!
I am also nominating you for an Academy Award for the best use of, “ridden hard and put away wet,” in a screenplay. That happens to be one of my favorite lines of all time! You used it superbly; and on a male figure no less. I applaud you, bravo!!
Why thank you Scott,
It’s an honor to be nominated in the ridden hard and put away wet category and I’d like to thank the following people….
My Director
My Opia
My Chemical Romance
Mr. Donald “Puppy” Mills
The Voice of Buddha (for lending me a spare pair of pants)
The Technical Crew (you guys and gals were swell, we make the magic, but you do the grunt work)
The Ghost of Colonel Sanders (In the billiard room with the blunt instrument)
My Melonballer Baby
Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq.
The Guys at Dante’s Pub and Grill
The Gang at TGIF
Margaret Atwood (for notes and the rewrite)
The Gal Who Did That Thing To Me
I LOVE office dramas. It’s the only thing that can beat hormonal teenagers dramas (Trust me, I’ve seen plenty of these)
I’m curious, who did you bet on? Typhoid Mirdred or Clark? I will have to bet on Mirdred’s side. Hey, old cranky ladies with attitudes ALWAYS win. Clark will have no chance.
My advice for the day:
1) Throw the pencils away!!! Or at least leave it where they belong — on Mirdred’s desk or something.
2) Return the stapler.
3) Return anything else that don’t belong to you!
Whoops! Spelt Mildred’s name wrong lol. No wonder it sounded so weird.
Hah! I didn’t think anything could beat hormonal teenagers dramas!
Clearly, I have much to learn.
Hey there, Anonymously Secret…
I bet on Mildred returning and getting her job – but with no payout. You’re right, the cranky old ladies with edge and attitude shall always prevail. It’s what they do.
I am pencil free and have returned Mirdred’s stapler.
Ooops, ha! you got me doing it now! I too meant, Mildred. 😉
I’m still a little curious though.
What DID Clark do? What PICTURES does Mildread have? I want to see them so badly! Can’t you do something to get them?
Oh come on Alan! You’re a dog! Sniff around a little…
Hahaha…
I’ll see what I can dig up.
But it really is all very hush hush right now. My guess is that once this gets sorted out all will be revealed. Or sort of revealed.
More later.
Nice to see you, Anonymously Secret!
😉
Free pencils, sweet!
I’d probably return the stapler as well, scottish lawyers can be very tricky to deal with…
Agreed,
They can get right nasty.
Three favorite phrases of Scottish lawyers…
1. Ach and away, I’ll have yer guts fer garters and then yer balls
2. Ya bloody haddie, I’ll tear oot yer balls
3. Ya daft erse of an eejit, I’ll cut yer balls oof and ‘av ‘em for ma breakfast
Well if Clark is encouraging you to take pencils, the thrill of ‘borrowing’ them is lost now, you need to be more daring, whatever happened to Mildred’s chair, take it for a ‘walk’ how heavy is the photocopier too?
Hahaha!
Hey me that is you (Hah! a variation on a theme!)
You’re right. The pencil thrill is gone. Mildred’s ergonomic chair is, I believe, out to get me. I “borrowed” it and upon my first sitting it collapsed. Weird… Even weirder, when I got out of it, it snapped back into position… I brought it into my horse stall but it kept drifting back into her cube. Then, and I swear this is true, on Friday as I was dragging it into my cubicle an otherworldly voice (with a Scottish accent, no less) from the chair screamed at me “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Truitt, you faithless slime!”
I don’t care how much a photocopier weighs – I’m “borrowing” it instead!
good choice, maybe it’s dear old Mr Hamish’s spirit and he doesn’t take kindly to have a guy mount him but loved it when Mildred used to rock back and forth on him….?
HA!
Ah me (heh!),
Good one!
Hahaha….
I’ll never look at that chair the same way ever again. (Let alone sit on it!)
Riot…
That picture is seriously freaking me out. I may have strange dreams.
Do you have Mildred’s phone number?
“Rode hard and put up wet,” is a phrase I wish I had more opportunities to say.
You should think hard about having the pencils sterilized.
Nice to see you Gryph,
Yeah, there’s something about a smiling short haired daschund in a tux that can be a bit unnerving…
Mildred’s number is 382 5426. (Want to hear something weird? Those numbers spell out fuck ham I mean, what the hell is that all about? I guess it’s Mildred message to the people here. )
I’ll make sure I get my pencil sterilized ASAP.
😉
As always, a great post, Alan. Filled with merkins, Fad Gadget tags and the phrase “rode hard and put away wet.”
Here’s a little something you might have a use for:
I combined all of my ability to nearly draw straight lines with my ability to find an uninterrupted 7-10 minutes to crank it out.
Anyway…Run it up the flag and see if TS President Dave salutes. The merchandising potential is damn near unlimited. Start with coffee mugs. You know, cos of the office idiom.
Hahahahahaha!
Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq.
It has been run up the flagpole and it heartily meets with my hysterical laughter and 100% seal of approval. Woot!
I’m sure President Dave will agree with me when I say, “We start making t-shirts – stat!”
FYI: You so rock and I’m making sure you’re Christmas bonus is extra special this year.
Thanks again. I’m still laughing…
Amazing 8)
It has taken me hours/days/months… OK, best part of an hour to find something appropriate to signal my approval for this etching.
Try this one;
El Pres
Nothing says “seal of approval” like Donald Duck!
😉
I’ve printed out my nerk elevator picture and have it on my filing cabinet. I’ve been laughing all day.
Really, at some point someone should come up with a name/title for it.
Any of these nerking for you?
The Moaning Nerka
Decling Nerk On An Elevator
Nerking Clock at Moment of First Elevator
The Nerking Lesson of Dr Truitt
Way to show off. I could spend 2 hours trying to draw that and it wouldn’t look close to being as good.
Nerking by the fourth floor.
A small n nerk.
Nerking Lift-off.
A nerk a day keeps the lift unused.
dave
My apologies for my damn near interminable delay. I was out fielding the mice. Turns out they hate it. And they showed their displeasure by firebombing my Humvee dealership, which seemed excessive.
I am on board with all of those choices, including Pres. Dave’s. It could just have a rotating title, much like those buses used to have before they went all digital and sped by me without even slowing down. I’m pretty sure the driver gave me the finger.
I only had one title suggestion:
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Alan
Hahaha!
Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq.
As you are the genius who drew the masterpiece it is only right that you name it. And for the record, I am 100% jiggy with The Unbearable Lightness of Being Alan
Very nice indeed!
PS. I’d read that about mice and their anarchistic and violent tendencies. I was actually swarmed by a roving gang of rodents like week. Little bastards stole my iPod.
CLT,
I’m so totally infatuated with you.
I’ve often impressed the fairer sex with my line drawings.
I’d say, “Oh, I think you’ll like this one. It’s called 12° Grade. It started out as a straight line, but I took it in a whole new direction after misplacing my ruler.”
Women love when you do it freehand.
Men are not impartial to it either…
dave
BTW CLT’s title for his etching is way better than any of mine and has that mystical ‘think about it’ element rather than a thwack around the face with a dead wet merkin.
Hah! Nothing like a thwack around the face with a dead wet merkin to wake a fellow up.
That has more kick than Yuri’s smiley faces.
I fear a subplot is coming on. Might Farook be trying to get somewhere.. are you sure you know about the full pool? is there a side bet?
Protect yourself…. Got a shield, protective invisible shield? Cause i”m afraid one of those pencils might be aimed at you… just intuition.
Yikes DF! That’s a little too scary! Pencil as darts? *Shudders*
Watch your back Alan.
“Pencils. They’re not just for writing anymore.”
😆
In the UK, pencils come (sic!) with rubbers on the blunt end 😉
Hah! Very progressive thinking.
North American tend to get quite nervous handling pencils with rubbers.
Let’s see, Mildewed probably stole a box of pencils a month for 40 years? And now we learn they have rubbers on the end?
*shudder* What the hell was she doing with those pencils?
She was writing the mother of all letters, Claire.
That, and inserting them in her vagina.
Damn subplots are always out to get me.
Thanks for the words of concern delicate flower,
They are much heeded (okay, there we are, I have finally used the expression “much heeded”). Much heeded indeed.
I have a full dental dam suit that I wore when merkins walked like men and I shall don it (hmm, when I’m not “heeding” it would appear I’m “donning”). I shall don it in the hopes that my merkin based dental dam suit can ward off any poisonous (or non poisonous) pencil darts.
More later.
Where’s Freud? It seems you have a secret desire to heed Don….
Seems kind of half-wit to me?
Woop!
Claire you brought half wit Britney. Hahaha!
And she’s on a mountain top.
Just like Moses.
Only in jeans and a bra.
I have to be honest though, I stopped watching after Britney sang the first line “I used to think”
I mean, she’s just lying now!
I think our little Bob Trusty has a thing for Brittney.
But it’s Felicia Day he “loves so much!” Shhh!!!
LOSTL!
LOSTL!
Shucks, we in UK are denied access to that youtuber.
dave
delicate flower…
Meant to mention: http://delicacies.wordpress.com/
WOWSERS! its all happening at Hamish! Yikes!
I hope you’re keeping your head down low amongst all this!
Clark isnt a nice boss anyway, but still, no one should have to go through the trauma of being sued!
Best to stay away from all of it alan and keep up the good work!
Bob
Thank goodness. Bob! You’re here….
I will keep my head down, Bob. It won’t be easy, but I shall try. I’ll look to you for inspiration in this (as I do in all things, I hasten to add).
“What would Bob Trusty do?” has become something of a mantra for me. And so I shall take your truly wise advice and stay away from it all keep up the good work.
Thank you, Bob. You’re the breath of fresh air that Hamish Industry needs.
I hope the acting is going well and that your mum is fine.
Remember to keep studying your Shakespeare, Bob. You’d make the perfect Romeo – and Hamlet, for that matter.
for sure, sir!
Keeping your tail out of all this Hamish mess can be a good thing because when the smoke clears, you will clearly be the winner! or is that Alpo will be the winner? LOSTL!
Acting is going well. I have yet to get a new commercial or movie. Everything is slowing down, but its ok. Mum is happy and so am i!
So you keep up with keeping down, Alan!
Bob
Thank You, Bob!
And thank goodness you’re here, I hasten to add.
All the best with the fair librarian, Rose. Look forward to hearing all about it.
Mildred with a boatload of cash suddenly became more attractive.
Hahahaha…
I don’t know. I think much liquor is still required.
But you can afford it.
Good point. $150.00 worth of booze should do the trick.
So… can you please “lend” me $150.00?
a thought on the stapler…
perhaps if you asked her to autograph it for you, she’d be queenly and do so (and buy a new one for herself, now that she’ll be flush)?
Hi openpalm…
Queen Typhoid Mildred! I suspect she’d like the sound of that. Very much.
Mildred is cagey. And feisty. And spunky. And dangerous. I suspect that if I asked her to autograph it she’d staple an autograph into my head. Mildred is funny that way. And she’s cagey. And feisty. And spunky. And dangerous.
Al, please excuse my blatant plagiarism, but I just couldn’t help myself!
Don’t call it a comeback
Mildred’s been there for years
Rockin her peers and puttin Clark in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to her stapler go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the corporation, she’s towerin
Wreckin shop, when she drop these lawsuits that’ll make you call the cops
Don’t you dare stare, you betta move
Don’t ever compare
Her to the rest that’ll all get sliced and diced
Hamish’s payin the price
[Chorus:]
Mildred’s gonna knock Clark out (HUUUH!!!)
Mildred’s said knock Clark out (HUUUH!!!)
Haha! Marvelous!
(We have a Xmas song to write at some point, don’t we?)
Second Verse…
Don’t you call this a regular ham
Mildred’s gonna rock this corporate wasteland
She’s gonna take this itty bitty industry by storm
She’s got a lawyer and he’s a feisty Scot
Just like Robbie Burns he talks a lot
Watch Mildred bash Clark about his skull
Cuz u know she had beef with
Her big bad boss, the maniac psycho
And when she pulls out her pencil get ready cuz it might go
BLAAAAW, how ya like her now?
Hamish Industries will not allow
Him to get with, Typhoid Milly, don’t riff
Listen to her gear shift
She’s blastin, outlastin
Kinda like Shaft, so u could say she’s shaftin
Old Scottish filled her mind
And she came up with a funky rhyme
Mildred’s gonna knock Clark out (HUUUH!!!)
Mildred’s said knock Clark out (HUUUH!!!)
It’s official Al, we’re now a rap group. I think we should be called the Paper Pushers.
Nice! I like it! How soon ’til we’re famous? 😉
We don’t need to be famous, we just need the million dollar record deal & endorsements.
Agreed. Fame is overrated. Plus, our endless indiscretions won’t end up in the tabloids.
“….Well apparently anyone can stuff them up their girdle, take them home, and no one gives a crap….”
You should point that not anyone, but one who wears a girdle. Has Clark ever worn a girdle for a day?
Guess the office was lucky that only pencil supplies were stuff up there.
Idea – Clark demonstrates to the lawyer how Mildred did the girdle trick.
Hah!
lisleman…
I’m happy to report that I have no idea if Clark has ever worn a girdle for a day. Although I would pay large sums of cash to see him demonstrates how Mildred did the girdle trick.
I suspect it would have a certain Houdini like quality to it. Magical. Astounding. Slightly surreal.
😉
I think you should push the envelope. Grab yourself a box of post-it notes, and as you’re leaving for the day, have them tucked under your left arm (in clear view), wave to Clark with your right arm while saying “Have a good evening, Clark!”.
Haha!
Phew! For a second there I thought you were going to tell me to stuff them up my girdle!
😆
I’ll do it. Thanks for the advice, yorksnbeans!
Maybe another office pool is in order to speculate on the nature of Mildred’s trump cards.
Lots of entertainment could be had by all.
“Everyone into the office pool!”
splash!
I think Mildred’s main trump card is her complete lack of fear.
😉
Nice to see you, mike!
Pssh. It’s only a bunch of pencils. And a stapler. Who cares?
I don’t think I’m gonna last long.
Ah, it starts with pencils and staplers… But then you find yourself snatching pens and notepads. Then the odd cell phone and blackberry… Next thing you know you’re onto the hard stuff and huffing photocopier toner and leaving the office with a fax machine shoved up your girdle…
At least, that’s how it happened to me. 😉
I’ve found Mildred’s soulmate and his amazing erection from toothpicks;
http://preview.tinyurl.com/lb8q3k
(Its VSFW and home and anywhere, honestly)
So, 40 years of pencils and Mildred has built a replica moonrocket into the capsule of which will go Clark’s sweetmeats for the ultimate ‘goolies in orbit’.
dave
Haha!
She’s been busy!
I also have a whole new level of respect for the woman.
I was afraid to see the amazing erection but I clicked on the link anyway! I Swear Dave, they’re like a lure to me and I just can’t help myself.
This definitely has the makings of a blockbuster, Alan! I suggest you start writing all of these events down on paper (or better yet write them in Microsoft Word and then save them on to a floppy), because the rights to this script could make you a very rich man.
For the role of Clark, I was thinking Burt Reynolds.
They both seem to have that “Ihavenopatienceforthisshit” attitude, and since Burt played a drunk congressman in Striptease, I’m sure this character won’t be that much of a stretch. One question–does Clark have a moustache? Or could he at least grow one? It’s all about making the characters believable, Alan, and since we know Burt won’t be giving up his fu manchu anytime soon, we may have to go the other route.
As for Mildred, I think Mary Mallon would be a great choice, even though she isn’t an A-list celebrity, or alive for that matter. Perhaps Susan Boyle?
Carlita should be played by Katie Holmes, not because I think she is a fantastic actress, but because it will give her some time away from that GMD she calls her husband.
And the part of Alan? Well, you, of course. No one can nerk with as much passion and believability as the man who put the term back on the map. Not even Robin Williams.
I’ll have to get back to you on the others, that took a lot out of me and it’s not even noon yet.
Thanks bschooled!
I once saw this gal do this really funny thing that made me laugh like a drunk ocelot. You remind me of her. Oh, wait. I actually think it was you.
Hackaxxhahcahbnahaythashsaajajajha
↑ (The sound of a drunk ocelot laughing.)
The screenplay is done. They’re so easy to write. And I have received my first set of notes from the studio. They are very thoughtful that way.
Mr. Reynolds (an excellent choice) has been cast. And fortunately, he happened to be staying at the same bin that Ms. Boyle has been visiting. So they hooked up, got nasty with each other and have been looking for a project to work together in. Now they have it. Success. (Still, a real shame about Mary still being dead. I thought she had gotten over that. )
Katie Holmes is looking for more money that anyone is comfortable with. As for that Geoscientific Model Development she calls a husband… Well, he tries. So let’s just saying he’s trying and go out for a Moose Head. (Hey, it’s almost noon!)
The studios say I’m not “bankable” enough to play me. So they are considering the following “actors.”
-Mr. Bobo The Talking Chimp
-An animated chicken (To be voiced by the ghost of Don Knotts)
-Some guy who sort of looks like a young and healthy Soupy Sales and who was in that funny comedy last year with all the swear words in it
The notes from the studio are extensive – and heartbreaking. Still, I guess you can’t have art without commerce.
They include:
-change the story so that it happens in outer space
-make Mildred a hot Swedish chick
-include musical numbers
-include sexy alien robot babes in bikinis
-make Alan more of a hunk
-make Alan less passive
-make Alan more likeable
-make Alan less likeable
-make Alan a robot in a thong
-make sure Alan’s thong is sufficiently “stuffed”
-more merkins
-include merkins that walk like men
-lose the Clark character
-change Hamish Industries to something about the Amish
-make sure all Amish characters are wacky and sexy
-more sex scenes
-more product placement
-more of the Soupy Sales guy
-less moustache more gloopstache
-fire the writer
-hire a new writer
-fire the new writer
-cancel the green light
-more tits
If I had a nickel for every time a drunk ocelot laughed like that at my antics, Well, let’s just say I’d own quite the valuable fur mozzetta:
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_HYmckVkkJz0/SO1ItHqf5QI/AAAAAAAABEE/Rr4h0BiX308/s400/Pio+XII+-+Mozzetta+blessing.jpg)
Anyway, I should have known someone with your knack for all things knackable would already be on top of this.
Do you think you could add a small walk-on part for that Schneider guy from One Day at a Time? I mean, I was pretty young when that show was on the air, but I remember thinking “Boy, that superintendant can double entendre lie nobody’s business”. He may be just the guy who could increase your demographic to the 40+ market.
I do like the hot Swedish chick/babes in bikinis/stuffed thong/Amish idea though. (Oh, wait, forget I said that, I just realized that makes me sound creepy)
I do like the hot Swedish chick/babes in bikinis/stuffed thong idea though.
I’m amazed you found that picture of me.
It was back when I was known as Dash Rip Rock. And had glasses, and an ermine mozzetta, and dresses, and beanie caps…
My right arm was actually stuck in that position for three years. I believe the medical condition is known as “Cold Elbow.” Or “Elbows Truitt” Or “Elbow Stew”
Something elbow…
Trouble with the Schneider guy. He wants to be paid in real money not in stale beer. We’ll see how the negotiations go. It was a pretty good meeting.
He’s still got it, by the way.
Yes, I found your picture, Alan, I’m pretty crafty that way. Although I was somewhat surprised to notice that you look a lot like Henry Winkler when you wear that outfit.
I think the medical condition you are referring to is called “curvature of the elbow”. Unfortunately it’s quite common, but don’t worry because I am planning to eradicate it once this business with the cameltoe is over.
You actually reminded me of my first day in French Immersion, when my teacher said to me, “vous prenez une banane sur votre coude”.
She was telling me that I had a banana on my elbow, but because I didn’t speak french at the time, it took me six months to figure it out. Needless to say, that banana was pretty gross by the time I removed it.
FYI, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Whatever it is, it’s making me laugh.
Ah! My nickname in University was “His Holiness the Fonz”
I finally understand what it means. Thanks. I’m looking for a life coach… And a life guard… And a life. Any help you can supply would be greatly appreciated.
It’s good that you are eradicating these things. You truly are the eradicator. We need to get you a cape and a mask – and a superpower… something eradiating related.
Faster than a flying cameltoe
More powerful than a six month old banana
Regardez le ciel!
It’s a merkin
it’s an elbow
No, it’s Eradicator Girl!
Written with feeling as well as humour?
dave
😉
am i the only one who thinks it was funny that Farook immediately initiated an office pool? that’s rich! 🙂
Thanks Lynn!
I thought so too.
Especially since he’s the odds on favorite in the “First To Lose It” pool.
😆
Damn…I doubled up…
Hah! Twice the comedy. I just took care of. It’s gone. I miss it already.
Although it makes this whole comment thread seem odd. But I like odd — almost as much as that Schneider guy (more on him later, I must dash riprock). But until then, I’ll throw in a diversion, so that by the time anyone has finished reading this they’ll have completely forgotten about this who “incident”? Or should that be “episode”?
But what kind of a diversion? Oh, I know. I’ll tell you about the time I met the “Slut of my Dreams”
She was the gal I’d been looking for all my life. And last night I met her. Yes, I had a cheap, tawdry meaningless encounter with a woman I have absolutely no respect for.
It was incredible. Not like those inconsequential, shallow relationships I always seem to get involved in. This had meaning, purpose.
I met her at a crummy bar. She was beautiful – enough. She was drunk – enough. She liked me, or maybe she didn’t. Who cares?
We talked about nothing and then we left.
The light was cascading from the sky. The moon was full and she was easy. It was glorious, just two strangers locked in the intimacy of complete drunken horniness.
We groped longingly at each other’s clothes as our lips mashed together in a pagan frenzy of desire and self-loathing. Her face was ashen. I never even saw her delicate body because we did it under the stars and on top of the garbage cans in a restaurant alley. The smell of rotting lettuce wafted into my nose as my senses exploded.
I don’t know her name and she couldn’t care less about me. Now that’s special.
Sure, love is wonderful, but this was pure nasty fun. I finally met the slut of my dreams and now I too am a slut. I’ve reached the ranks of the disaffected.
Today I am a pig.
Are you sure that really happened?
I mean, besides the way you described her “ashen” face, it just doesn’t sound like you…
Have you been reading Tucker Max before bed again?
I believe it happened to me. Although truth be told, it could have happened to anyone. Maybe even a cartoon ant. Oh wait! I sold the rights to the story to a cartoon ant! That’s right. Damn but he made it sing. He studied “The Method.”
Hi Alan,
Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie – only were I there to enjoy this day in person could the news be any better!
Actually, I think it would have been even more juicy were Clark to show everyone the alleged tape of Mildred, “stuffing pencils up her girdle,” IF they actually HAVE such a tape!
No, I think they wanted to get rid of Mildred, and that she was, “aged out!” I bet Corporate told Clark to, “get her out, and hire a busty blond,” and that was all that he could figure out to do! Or, maybe it was really Clark’s idea, hence his extreme ire??
I am waiting here with bated breath to see what happens!
Sally P 🙂
PS: I doubt if they would hire Mildred back, that would be opening up a can of worms which Corporate definitely does not want to do. A nice several million dollar settlement, and Clark’s head would suffice nicely by me! 🙂
Hey Sally P,
I had a feeling you’d be pleased by how things are unfolding. Word is Typhoid Mildred really wants her job back.
Time will tell.
Best,
Alan
So . . . I was wondering where Mildred found her Scottish lawyer. I’ve been looking for a good one to put on retainer for my future office escapades and if I could get one with an accent that would be a real bonus.
Also, is he single?
Hi Callie!
And thanks for dropping by.
Apparently she went to Auchterarder and found him wandering about in a field wearing a kilt over his head and wrestling with a cow. I believe she was not only instantly impressed – but a bit smitten.
His Scottish brogue is very thick. Thicker than his eyebrows – and those suckers are really bushy.
I just spoke with him and I have no idea what we were talking about…
Lawyer Duncan MacIntosh: Aye, laddie. Reet da hoop an ere you’ll see the wee rinking hepti to po caw da. Aye?
Me: Sorry?
Lawyer Duncan MacIntosh: Reet blast end yer a sorry woot of a eedjit ya hadie gobshite of a gormless bairn.
Me: Thanks. It was nice meeting you.
Anyway, I gather he is single. But you should know, he’s no Uncle Randy, or Mortgage Miles, or Scottish Carl, or No Date Jorge, or Gary Allen, or Creepy Dan, or Scary Mike… Wait, I’m guessing this is a good thing.
So what you’re telling me is that this man is incomprehensible, so I don’t have to carry on a conversation with him, he’s nothing like any of the terrifying men I have dated AND he has an accent. Sign me up, hairy eyebrows and all. There is really nothing sexier than a uni-brow.
Ha!
Hilarity ensues. Okie dokay. I just spoke with him. I think you have a date Friday night. I think…
Me: My friend Callie would like to go out with you. She thinks there’s nothing sexier than a uni-brow.
Lawyer Duncan MacIntosh: Aye, laddie. Reet shee’d be, boyo. The lass has gumption and a good taste. Net like you ya fecking hapless wanker. Nooh get oota mah face afore ah take this cleaver tae yer haw maws ya bastart!
Me: Sorry?
Lawyer Duncan MacIntosh: Damn reet ye are!
Me: Okay. Nice talking to you, sir.
Perfection, I’m as giddy as a school girl!
Hahaha!
Marvelous!
Or as Duncan might say “Gie’s a lenna yer hanky and will go oot fer haggis suppers, ‘cause is the haws no a heid bummer. So no worries on the jannies or need to consultin’ the heid-the-ba, he is a bit of a numpty.”
He has a way with sounds, I’ll give him that…
Cha ching!!!!
She hits the private sector jackpot!!!
And heres what Clark didn’t win.
His sanity.
His good lucks.
Most importantly, his job.
🙂
Looking like it’s gonna play out that way, G.
Although I suspect Milly would settle for her job: And Clarkie boy as her new assistant/dogsbody.
It appears that this thread is going very well, hardly a glitch so far. See, this is where the comment training really starts to pay-off.
FYI, the Tech guys are going to be rolling out the “Repeat” pop-up box with buttons for responses we use all the time, like smilies but with words. Say if I wanted to say “Cheers,” now all you have to done is click a button.
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
See how fast that was. We have space for 24 words and need your input to fill the buttons. Ha, Alan we have already inputted “Merkin,” “Fad Gadget,” Nerk,” and “Hahaha.”
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Piece of cake Alan. Nerk Nerk Cheers Cheers Nerk Nerk Cheers Nerk Vagina Vagina
Hahaha Hahaha
Nerk
I guess you get the idea, later bra.
Hee hee…
HA! Didn’t see that coming, did you?
Hahaha…
Your comment made me fall over myself laughing. I really banged up my head and knee.
And that’s why I’m suing you.
How was your day, by the way?
My day was pretty merkin, thanks. Actually, it was more Fad Gadget, nerk merkin and Hahaha.
Yes, that sums it up well. Very well.
I have grave concerns about this “Repeat” pop-up box with buttons for responses we use all the time. I clicked “Cheers” and this is what I got.
Cheers Cheers Cheers Cheers
Cheers Cheers Beelzebub Cheers
Cheers Cheers Sell Your Soul
Cheers Devil Cheers Beast
Underworld Mephistopheles Cheers
Cheers Satan Lives!!! Cheers
Cheers Cheers Renounce Jesus
Cheers River of Fire, Ragh! Cheers
Cheers Bwebête Noire Bwehaha Cheers
Cheers Sucks Cocks in Cheers
Cheers Styx, Purgatory Lorelei
Cheers Cheers Satan Spunk
Cheers 666 666 666 Cheers
Cheers Prince of Darkness Cheers
Cheers Imp Cheers Eternal Suffering
Cheers Witch Cheers Cross
Cheers Pitchfork Infidel Cheers
Cheers Fire Cheers Lucifer
Cheers Tears Brimstone Cheers
Cheers Eternal Agony Cheers
What the hell is up with that?
Talk soon and all best,
Or should I say?
Hahaha! Nerk merkin cheers!
Okay, there’s a few bugs, but damn its a thing of beauty.
Cheers Clownpenis Hahaha
Hahaha Merkin Goathead
Goathead
Goathead
We’re working on it.
Please keep my Goathead updated.
Cheers Clownpenis Hahaha Merkin Nerk!
I’m having some difficulty solving you and FJ’s new captcha system, Alan. I get the first one right. Like every time.
Beyond that, though, it’s a real virtual crapshoot.
Hey, Mr. Dr. Sir Capitalist Lion Tamer, Esq.
Yes, that’s understandable. We continue to try and work out the kinks, but your patience is appreciated. Much like Satan, the new system is a complex beast with a range of troubling psychological issues.
Until then…
Hahaha! Nerk merkin cheers!
OOOH, I hope the pencils weren’t sharp point down, that could be bad. Now you might say that was a drive-by-penciling. One minute you’re sitting there minding your own business, the next, you have lap full of pencils and some yelling that not until later you where able to distinguish as someones rants, simply brutal.
There should be a wager that says that Clark will go crazy after receiving corporate pressure. As a result he will come in one day with a shaved head like Britney Spears, a white powder under his nose, red-bloodshot eyes and wearing the bottom half of one of those horse costumes that takes two people to make. All the while leaving muddy footprints with strands of hay in it wherever he walks, which was the end result of whatever drunken stupor he found himself in the night before.
Hahaha!
That’s the mother of all lottery pools, Eric. I’m starting it up and I’m putting 20 dollars in. If it hits, not only will I be rich, but I’ll have seen something I can one day tell my grandchildren about. Fabulous.
As for the drive by pencilings. That’s just a shame. I miss the old days when a thug used a pencil to stab out someone’s eyes. Those were the good old days…
I like to gamble. Hard, fast and stupid. Please put $8K (@ 1000:1) down for me on Clark getting a promotion. Thanks.
I like a Rooster who takes ramblin’ risks.
So I’ll put you down for $20K!
Might as well make it the whole farm…
Egg On!
Speaking of which, I was thrilled to read of your return.
Duncan MacIntosh. I had to go back and remind myself that he’s a high profile Scottish lawyer. Ha.
Stapler return good idea. Although I kind of admire her sticktoitiveness.
😉
Hey Kali,
The stapler has been returned to Typhoid Mildred’s horse stall. To be honest, I had a sneaking suspicion the thing was possessed by the spirit of Milly. Whenever I used it, I suddenly had burning desires to toss the caber, put on a kilt and dance a highland jig. It was all I could do to fight back the sinister Scottish urges.
I too admire Mildred’s sticktoitiveness. I fear the woman (another reason I returned the stapler), but she has a ferocious quality that one has to respect.
I knew it!
I bloody knew it!
“Alan’s been looking slimmer of late” I had been thinking “I wonder how he’s managed that?”
But it turns out that Clark has discovered your little secret.
“….anyone can stuff them up their girdle..”, says he, and then throws pencils in *your* lap!
No bugger else’s lap…. *yours*!
You girdle wearing cheat, you.
Hah!
Oh, Christ! I’m busted.
Well, this is rather embarrassing. I feel like I’ve been caught with my pants down, er, that should probably read “I feel like I’ve been caught with girdle exposed.” It’s an orthopedic girdle and it’s packing more reinforced armour than a Sherman Tank.
Please don’t tell anyone. I’d really appreciate it if this was our little dark secret. I’m willing to sign over my half of the rights to the “The Punch Me Otto” doll.
Your discretion in this matter will be greatly appreciated.
Fear not.
Your sordid whaleboned little secret is same with me.
Unless you count me telling that bloke on the bus this morning…. or the chap who runs the newsagents…oh! and that ever-so-persuasive Scots chap who was with Mildred…..
Bollocks…. ‘same’ should read ‘safe’.
(too much fermented grape juice, I’m afraid)
Not to worry, I got the gist of where you were going.
I think the most important thing here is the fact that I’m totally screwed. A totally screwed girdle wearing dude.
NobblySan…
“Shifty”? “Disreputable”? “The cut of my jib”?
“A tad too DAMN YOUNG for the high office to which you promoted him”?
I’ve got my eye on you son. And my good one too.
Hee hee…
I just realized that our old smilies are back? A winky looks like a winky again! 😉
I saw one of Alan’s up there laughing like he’s supposed to.
Did Nobbly return them?
Hey! Yay! This should thrill Yuri to no end!
I wonder if there was a lot of complaints at wordpress?
They really were awful.
😆 😛 😉 🙂 😳 😎 👿 😆
PS. There’s no way he did.
Nobbly will not be happy.
🙄
I say we use them as much as we can before Nobbly steals them again.
👿
🙄
😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
🙄 Мы постарались 😳 все представить 😆 😆 в нужной форму.На 😛 сайте 😉 🙄 😎 😛 😦 🙂
😯 😯 😯 😯 Сайт представляет 😆 из себя базу 😎 медицинских терминов 😡 большое количество слов мед 😡 литературы Мы 😛 постарались все представить в нужной форму. 😈 На сайте вы найдете кучу полезной информации на медицинскую тематику 😉
😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
Atta boy, Yuri.
You still got it, kid.
Dear Yuri, on behalf of all the other truly sickies may I formally commed your return to SD and record how much we have missed your enforced absence.
I understand that you were kept in solitary confinement of total darkness, whilst being interrogated by the little known ‘Nerkin Merkin Quality Agency (Ridden hard and put away wet subteam)’ and that you were mishandled in the processing.
So, on emerging into the daylight it must have been overly stimulating on your optic nerve.
However, if that is your only excuse, then be warned by El Pres;
THAT MANY FECKING SMILIES SO EARLY IN THE DAY, BEFORE THE FIRST MUG OF TEA HAS BEEN BREWED EVEN, IS A BIT OTT, OLD CHAP.
End of bollocking.
Now, about the rights to your memoirs, I know a few publishers who would offer godzillions for the inside dirt on NMQA.
dave
Мы постарались 😳 все 😉 представить 😆 😆 в нужной форму.На 😛 сайте 😉 🙄 😎 😛 😦 🙂
😯 😯 😯 😯 Сайт представляет 😆 из себя базу 😎 медицинских терминов 😡 большое количество слов мед 😡 литературы Мы 😛 постарались все представить в нужной форму. 😈
😆
Apology accepted, Yuri.
And yes, the Michael Jackson joke was funny. Sort of funny, anyway.
I’m sure that necrophilia is in that run of symbols, somewhere…
If Michael Jackson was , why not?
dave
Ha. Nice, el presidente… My guess would be this one… 😈
Arghhhhhh!!!
My eyes! My eyes!
The yellow horrors have returned to plague me. Make them stop….please!
It’s the spirit of York Mills coming to get you!
Hee hee…
I feel sorry for poor Nobbly
😦
😦
😦
We’ve installed the Badger, Mushroom, and Snake buttons on the pop-up comment box so you’ll be able to do the comment version of this:
Hahaha! Nerk merkin cheers!
Things are progressing in the right direction. Yes siree, this thing has legs. They’re stumpy, but I’m okay with stumpy. In fact, I had an Uncle Stumpy… Nice fellow. Once shot a man for snoring too loud.
Both coasts are on board.
Also…
Exciting news!
The bacon, lettuce and tomato, has been replaced by the badger, mushroom and snake.
Later, dude…
Or, as the French would say…
La tres hahaha! nerque merkin cheers!
I hope you didn’t shove the pencils in your girdle… that would be so uncomfortable… Well… No it would be!
Ha! Good one, Betty! You’re a pistol, you are. And thanks for not yelling at me! 🙂