Naline is taking a week off in Dollywood.
She’s been sending me emails. I’m sensing a theme.
First, she has drunken fun…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 6, 2009 2:41 AM
Subject: Hahajs!
Alpo! You dick. Ha. Just joking man. I’m in dollywood. And drunk out of my skull. So, me and Pete went out and saw Dolly’s family perform. HA! “Perform” No, not sex, you perv!!!!!!!!!!!
Lazer, Nail me
And then, remorse…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 7, 2009 1.06 PM
Subject: Sorry
Alan. Whoa! Sorry about my email. Please delete. Okay? I’m having a nice vacation. No sign of Dolly. I’m staying in Pigeon Forge (it’s not as bad as it sounds)…The weather is great.
Then more drunken fun…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 3.09 AM
Subject: Allllllllllpo
Bury it dude and make me bark! HA! Just kidding!!! You rock alpo. Pete’s an asshole.
Followed by…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 8, 2009 2.19 PM
Subject: My apologies
Al, I’m really sorry. I just need to stay away from the laptop. Sorry. No more emails. I promise.
Then once again, more fun…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 1.43 AM
Subject: Hagh al tis si funy
ahahahahh… sorry, I know. But ti I ting is we shoul have sexy,fuck, al, you’re areal cute guy and I’m attracted toyou, but petes such an asshole…hahahahhh central refrigerators wtf lol
And finally an email that chills me to my core…
To: alantruitt@hamishindustries.com
Date: July 9, 2009 6.34 PM
Subject: Please Forgive Me!
Alan,
You must think I’m crazy. But I’m not. I just have problems with boundaries. Anyway, I’ll see you at Hamish next week. I broke up with Pete. He’s a premature ejaculator and has herpes in both places. He’s also very jealous. He really hates you, by the way. Maybe we can have lunch…?
Alan,
I would say, after an exhaustive round of STD testing (just to make sure), you should go ahead and tap that ass!
I know, I know, but you will never get up the courage to go after Carlita!
We are finally back from our wild vacation, so I will be filling everyone in on our adventures soon!
Hahaha!
Welcome home! I am so looking forward to hearing about them, Aunt Baaa.
I’ll let you know how the “ass tapping” goes.
Ass taping, huh? Too rich.
I still remain confident I will get the courage to speak with Carlita. The problem is saying words that make sense. So far all I’m good for is a couple of “nerks” the odd ‘nump” and, if I’m lucky, a schoolgirl giggled “tee hee hee”
Oh, plus an assortment of “whumps” “erps” “sklorps” and “fragghhhs”
Don’ t use words with Carlita.. you’re a dog right? Just go up, sniff her ass ( as opposed to tapping it), sniff her crotch, give it a lick and then start humping her leg.
As for Naline.. that girl’s a tramp , a crazy tramp … stay away.
But crazy tramps are the funnest!
Ah, the ass sniff. My friends Bob and Ted once discussed its pros and cons.
INT. HOUSE — DAY
Bob sits on couch, Ted enters with two beers.
TED: Here you go Bob.
BOB: Thanks, Ted.
They take a sip on their beers. Bob barks like a dog.
TED: Bob…did you just bark?
BOB: Hmmm? Oh yeah.
Bob barks again.
TED: Just checking…
BOB: Ted.
TED: Yeah?
BOB: Have I ever bent over and smelled your ass?
TED: Excuse me?
BOB: I realize it may sound a bit strange but on my way home tonight I was on the bus and I looked out the window and there were these two dogs smelling each others asses, and I thought…now that’s friendship, that’s really something…don’t you think?
TED: Bob, they’re dogs…
BOB: I know that, it’s just that they had known each other for maybe two minutes. Now I’ve known you all my life and it occurred to me that I’ve never bent over and smelled your ass. It depressed me for some reason. Pass the chips.
TED: Are you okay Bob?
BOB: I don’t know, I’m mixed up. We’re too damn formal…not just you and me, but everybody. I can’t remember the last time I was out and saw a woman I was interested in and just walked up to her and stuck my nose between her legs. Dogs do that Ted, dogs know, they just know. They don’t have any hang ups.
TED: Look Bob, you’re missing a very important point here. They’re dogs. The reason they do those things is because they don’t know any better. I mean, they crap on your lawn for God’s sake.
Bob smiles oddly. Ted looks worried.
TED: Tell me you didn’t…
BOB: Last night… I just walked over to the neighbour’s house and pinched a loaf under his maple tree. And you know, it felt good, it felt natural.
TED: You need a vacation.
BOB: I need fleas, I need to chase cats and pee on fire hydrants.
TED: Look, Bob, everyone wants to be free sometimes. We all want to give up our responsibilities but we’ve evolved from that type of behaviour.
BOB: You’re right. Now we tell people we hate that we like them, we lie, cheat and steal from each other. We’re so emotionally crippled we can’t keep a relationship together let alone carry on a simple straight forward conversation. We’re a repressed, depressed, neurotic and angst filled society that doesn’t have the sense to get in touch with it’s own instincts. Now let me smell your ass and let me smell it now!!!
Ted smacks him with a newspaper.
TED: Sit!
Bob whimpers slightly and then drinks his beer.
TED: Good boy.
Oh my god….. I don’t know if I ever want to meet you in a dark bar….
Me? I’m sweeter than cotton candy and a much healthier alternative.
well sure- and I love the taste of cotton candy……… but are you gonna lean down and smell my crotch?
Hahahahahahahahaha…
Boundaries of the mind are the prisons of the soul.
…Incidentally, the same prisons of the soul that would keep you out of real prisons.
“Dollywood”?
Somehow inerited from “Bollywood”?
Replace curry with fondue.
Hmm… I think Dahler Mehndi would approve.
eksith,
Way to deliver the comment that delivers on many levels.
Open with a profound statement, get Alan thinking, then throw it over to Bollywood and one damn fine Dahler Mehndi song that gets me dancing in the office while wondering “Do we not need some boundaries of the mind in at least to tell us to stop some impulses? And would these be prisons of the soul?” And then… “Holy crap! Did Dahler just morph into four guys? And which one is my favourite? The green one? Or the red?” To… “What is a prison of the soul?” To… “Why can’t I stop dancing?”
Much to ponder over while I dance on my desk.
FYI: I have a friend who wrote a Bollywood song. Sorry about the buzzy quality. It’s the best I could find.
Damn buzzing videos.
wacky video
Agreed!
RUN AWAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Too eccentric for me?
not enough?
Ha!
I think…
Wait…
Oh, me…
aahh haha I love that finishing first mail ‘nail me’
I think you should get on this, tap that, work it, do your thing, get busy, whatever you want to call, just be sure Carlita is aware of your new *relationship so she can realise how much she wanted you!
* by relationship i mean, well work it out, your an adult
Haha!
An adult who thought cartoons were real!
me, If I’m going to work out this riddle of yours, I’ll need charts…
Flow charts, pie charts, bar charts, line charts, dancing charts, charts that chart my course, course charts, smart charts, doll part charts, fart charts, tough darts charts, area charts, bubble charts, bubble tea, radar charts, radar love, golden earrings, waterfall charts, water rise and fall charts, the fall of the Roman empire charts…
Okay, wait, where am I going here?
I have no idea because I don’t have a chart!
Will something like this do?
http://i30.tinypic.com/b7e61x.jpg
or how about?
http://i29.tinypic.com/6g8p5g.jpg
me! (hah!)
Hahahahaha!
Thanks! First belly laugh of the day. They are both very helpful and I think they both perfectly sum everything up.
Too rich for words!
Thank you, me!
How about if I describe a pie chart?
Naline is the whole pie, all at once, and it makes you sick afterward. Really, really sick. But you can’t throw up. That pie just sits in your stomach and keeps revisiting you no matter how many times you tell it to go away.
Carlita is one slice of the best pie you’ve ever tasted.
But you only get to eat it one crumb at a time and it has razor blades in it.
You choose. Sorry man.
Hmmm… What flavour is the pie?
Absolutely anything.
Except humble.
Hahaha!
Well played, NobblySan!
As always, I hasten to add.
Easy on the compliments.
Naline may get jealous.
Good point. And then she might show up at your door with a sledgehammer.
And you’ve had more than enough of that for one day.
Damn right!
See you anon. I’m off into hiding – camping in Yorkshire – for the weekend.
Those mad women will never find me there.
…..will they?
They will now…
Have a great time!
I say go for it, Alan.
She may not be your type now, but never say never. For all you know she might be the one.
Hell, if it works out you could sail away with her, to another world…where you can rely on eachother, ah-ah.
Or go from one lover to another
…ah-ah.
ps. Does your Bob friend have a tinted Trans-Am by chance? If so, think I know That Guy.
Hah!
“Oh, matron!”
Ah, yes. Our lives would be one long blissfully endless Dolly soundtrack. If there is such a thing… Hmmm… Is there? I’m starting to have my doubts. I’ll need to get back to you on this. I’ll call in my team of researchers.
I could ask Bob for some pointers, but I think I’ll wait and see how he did on his latest excursion into the wild world of dating. He’s a tiger – in a kitten with braces sort of fashion. Bless his cotton socks.
About “That Guy.” He and I are buds now. He tells me things about cars and I yawn. Talk about simpatico.
Wait a minute…Dolly sings? I thought she was just known for her supporting roles in feel good movies such as Steel Magnolias and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
“Oh, Matron, indeed!”
…ah-ah.
ps. Please keep us informed on whether or not those are your testicles receding. From what I’ve heard, ball-withdrawl is currently one of the leading causes of lowered self-esteem and feelings of inferiority.
I’m actually creating a foundation to eradicate it…after I eliminate cameltoe, of course.
…ah-ah.
Hang on a second…Dolly’s an actress? I thought she was just known for her circus act of juggling knifes and balloons filled with jellyfish. And, there’s a whorehouse in Texas? And it’s the best little one? How little? Is it one of those miniature models? Damn but I love those things. ( Insert Slocombe joke at a later date. )
…ah-ah. Indeed, matron!
PS. My testicles continue to recede. My ball-withdrawl (haha) is not currently affecting me. And I am not suffering from feelings of lowered self-esteem and inferiority. Lowly worm that I am.
Ah, Cameltoe.
My favourite musical… Mind if I sing from it? Because I’m going to…
Cameltoe (lyrics by Alan Ray Ray Truitt, music by Donald “Puppy” Mills)
It’s true! It’s blue! And don’t you know
The climate is perfect for Cameltoe
A law was made a distant moon ago here
About something to do with free beer
In Cameltoe.
The winter is forbidden I don’t know why
Don’t blame me. Blame some other guy
In Cameltoe.
Cameltoe! Cameltoe!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Cameltoe, Cameltoe
That’s how conditions are.
The rain may never fall till all have fallen down
And children everywhere are scared by clowns
In short, there’s simply not
A more horrific spot
For a hungover-ever-aftering than here
In Cameltoe.
Cameltoe! Cameltoe!
It gives a person pause, I know
But in Cameltoe, Cameltoe
Up is down and round you go
By nine p.m. the moonlight must appear
And everyone is forced to drink free beer
A more congenial spot
For hungover-ever-aftering than here
In Cameltoe
“Read my lips! No more Cameltoe!”
That song is awesome, Alan. And the best part is it can be interchanged with it’s non-gender specific counterpart, Mammaltoe. (it’s all in the syllable-count).
My only concern has to do with the “it’s true! It’s blue!” line at the beginning. Personally I see it as being a visual song, complete with nudges, nods, a stategically-placed beret and the odd maniacal flapping. You know, like a Raffi tune, only way different.
However the ‘blue’ reference takes away from the innocence and petal-like beauty of the cameltoe, and makes it sound as though it’s being suffocated. Or perhaps it’s being erotically-asphyxiated… only backwards. Or maybe reverse? I’m not sure.
All I know is that I would all hate to see you or Don lose a potential recording contract over one four letter word. It’s obvious you’ve worked too hard for that.
Solid note, bschooled!
Damn right and good call. Especially when you consider the dark melodic musical undertones that Mr. Mills gets out of his Gateway K020303D4 Keyboard.
The erotically-asphyxiated blue line removes all sense of playful drunken innocence and terrifying clowns, and instead serves to underscore Mr. Mills’ atonal and ominous musical score. (Boy that sentence had two “scores” in it. Yay! Score!)
You hit it on the head (and killed it, but that’s okay, because I have no idea what it was anyway)…
My point is we were aiming for a Raffi/Raphaelite/Raunchy quality for this most glorious musical.
Innocent, angelic – and filthy. But fun filthy. You know, the kind of filth the whole family can enjoy. Let’s call it family fun filth. Innocent yet depraved. Like a Bond film. A flash of breasts but no insertion shots.
Anyway, brilliant note. I’m sending you over the entire libretto, music and lyrics. It’s only 27,397 pages – and all thoughts would be appreciated.
I also think it’s only a matter of time before you, I, and Mr. Mills get together and start working on “The Bookmobile Opera – Auntie D’s Tomes In The Underworld”
I have some interesting second act ideas.
How do you feel about singing , baby eating, satanic lesbians and horizontal women all dressed as giant maple glazed wild smoked salmon?
We’ll talk.
Sounds Good Alan, I can do all that you asked…except for the singing part. I have a hoarse-voice (not to be confused with horse-voice…or face, for that matter).
Anyway, how about if I lace the track and you lock the flow. Or better yet, Don can lock the flow…then we can call ourselves Craw Daddy (or C. Diddy, depending on what will get us more media coverage. Hell, we can do both).
Gotta fly, I’m off to work on our first single. I’ve pretty much got the chorus down already. It’s not exactly opera, but like you said, it’s the kind of filth the whole family can enjoy.
“These lips are made for gawkin’
And that’s just what you’ll do
One of these days these lips are gonna
Talk right back at you”
Daily dose of Dolly, and some old geezer…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lixDK_tMEhE
Honest, its youtube not sex on a sticktv.
dave
You know, I never really thought about the line “I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb.”
WTF? Is she a nit? A big-titted nit? I thought those were extinct, like the blue-footed boobie.
The blue-footed boobie is extinct?
Why wasn’t I informed?
How’s the wing-tipped dodo doing? It’s fine, right?
The blue-footed booby is not extinct. But the blue-footed boobie is. The blue-footed boobie is sort of like the female version of blue balls. It hasn’t been seen since the invention of vibrators.
Hahahahahahaha!
Too rich! How rich, you ask? Richer than Croesus.
I’m calling this a BKT Slay!
Al, how many times do I have to tell you?
“Don’t pee in the swimming pool of the work that you’re sleeping with!”
Or, something like that…
Good call, deathinfrance…
I think the waters in the Naline gene pool may be infected with e-coli.
“E” as in “ewwwwwww!”
“ewwwwwww!” as in eewwwmygawd she’s wearing another thong?
There’s the image I was searching for!
Aggghhh! My eyes!!!!
Naline in a thong? NOOOO
I feel badly for the thong. No one should do that to an innocent thong.
Exactly! She would so fail bikini cram school.
Ha!
Truer words were never spoken!
Riot.
Nalin’e, very appropiate in the context of her drunkin’ emails. Is her last name “megood”
Hahahaha! And just like that — we now have a new nickname for Naline!
Thanks!
I have no response to this.
Except- too funny! On your game!
Thanks very much, Pamela!
This Naline thing sounds dangerous. Stay away, stay far, far away.
She’s not wholesome and fresh like Elizabeth, but more “adventurous” on the dating scene like Jessica…
Hah! Hey, look! My first Sweet Valley High reference — ever, I might add! I’m not sure if I have all the facts right – but I’m in the game!
Wow, you got it just right! I’m so proud of you!
But seriously, if she’s anything like Jessica, you probably want to stay away. Don’t give up on Carlita!
Thanks, Shannon!
Yay!
Of course, I’ll defer to you on all matters Sweet Valley.
Carlita it is…
Although Jessica is cute as a button…
She really is a cutie, and she is always on the lookout for an older man, but I couldn’t, in good conscience, let any friend of mine fall into her evil clutches without a warning.
Thanks Shannon, I really appreciate that. And I will heed your wise words and stay away from Jessi–
Wait a sec.
She has “evil clutches”?
Wow. That sounds sexy and tempting.
Oh, dear. I can see I’ve lost you…
Hah!
Wow.
Really?
I never knew there was such a dark side to Sweet Valley.
But I am just learning the rules.
Maybe I’ll tread more carefully and see just what that tempestuous vixen Jessica is really up to.
I may need to learn to swim before I enter the still waters that are Sweet Valley.
http://outpostroad.wordpress.com/
Dear Alan,
I shall choose a few phrases from today’s post – and give you my observations of the “Naline” saga.
1) “Naline is taking a week off in Dollywood.”
Reply: she is an obvious airhead and/or Yahoo – only yokels go to, “Dollywood,” FYI!
2) “So, me and Pete went out and saw Dolly’s family perform.”
Reply: Obviously NOT an English Major (should be “Pete and I”), and hopefully not a secretary either… I detest poor grammar…
3) “you’re are a cute guy and I’m attracted to you…”
Reply: The TRUTH has been revealed here (drunk my ass!). Deep down, she is yearning for YOU!
4) “You must think I’m crazy. But I’m not. I just have problems with boundaries…”
Reply: She’s either a liar or delusional, because she has NO boundaries.
5) “He’s a premature ejaculator and has herpes in both places…”
Reply: TMI for God’s sake! (YOU SEE: no BOUNDARIES!!) (And, she’s disgusting to boot!)
6) Referring to the BF: “He’s also very jealous. He really hates you, by the way.”
Reply: These are the guys who get a gun and charge into an office, shooting everyone in sight until they find the gf who rejected them…
I’m just saying…
Sally P
PS: Another FYI, “Butt sniffing” is quite vulgar as well… Alan, you have been going downhill ever since Mildred’s departure…
Thanks Sally.
Nowhere to go but up…? Hah “Butt” Hmm, maybe not.
PS. I have very dear friends who are in Dollywood. And they aren’t yokels.
Okay, who, “has dear friends in ‘Dollywood,’” Alan or author? IAC, anyone who would actually go to Dollywood, “on purpose,” is a yokel at heart – perhaps an, “in the closet” yokel, or even worse, ones who don’t even realize how yokelly they are…
It’s true, Alan.
Would I lie?
Sally P
PS: Not to worry, I shant hold, “Dollywood” friends against you!
They are there to see the two fellows who pop up and start talking on the link. I have a friend who wrote for their TV show.
http://www.dollywood.com/
“He’s a premature ejaculator…”
Now THERE’S something for me to blog about!
Coming up real fast (like Monday, maybe?)…..
Don’t pop yor cork waiting though….
Hahaha! If you can hold off until Monday then it’s not coming up real fast! Oh, and what’s your secret?
The secret will be revealed on monday,
if I don’t cock it up
PS: These comment threads are virgin on the ridiculous…
I like to think they are brash and ballsy!
Monday, it is.
Dolly is a lovely woman with HUGE love for everyone and MASSIVE respect from her fans as well as GIGANTIC gates on her house.
She also has a nice set of tits.
They live in the bird house around back.
JB
I thought they moved to Albania…?
At least that’s what I read in The National Enquirer.
And it’s never lied to me before.
When she gets back to the office, just make sure to mark your territory to show her who’s the Alpha.
Just call me “Alpo the Alpha.”
Wow, Naline plays it loose on the emails. I’m thinking SHE’s the herpes distributor.
PS – Maybe the emoticons also caught herpes because they are looking really weak and pale today.
Ha. I guess someone has to distribute them!
Ah, Marissa. Look at that sad little winky..
I was always told these emotocons would break my heart — and now they have.
They’ve lost it.
They’re past it.
They have no zip.
No pip.
No bright yellow joy.
No defined face.
It’s a disgrace.
And I’d put them in their place with a little yellow sad face
But the little frowns are pasty faced and not even fit to be called former glories of their former selves.
They’re scarier than elves.
These little yellow things we now see.
Well, Dr. Seuss would say – and I’d agree
That they are flumpy lumpy pasty winkies
that couldn’t skrink and skrunk
with a wally hooed trunk
These yellow faced poozers
Look like hapless boozers
HAHAHAH! Excellent ode to the pasty-faced loser emoticons. And that winking one looks like it got punched in one eye.
Thanks Marissa!
Haha! Hey, you’re right! Winkie really does.
But it wasn’t me.
(Damn sorry assed winkie face.)
QUOTE SALLYP
“3) “you’re are a cute guy and I’m attracted to you…”
Reply: The TRUTH has been revealed here (drunk my ass!). Deep down, she is yearning for YOU!”
At the risk of offending GoF with a small bit of public health education, booze rarely makes people do what they have not already considered/ desired/ wished/ wanted/ yearned for. Thus, as SallyP advises, she has the hots for you alpo!
(BTW My wife and I call our frequent nightmares {we are both psychy casualties from life} ‘GORF’s’ from the spontaneous espotulations uttered on rousing from sleep each morning, try it…)
OPTION ONE
‘In error’ forward Naline’s emails to Carlita and see what reaction is provoked, girl fight yeahhhhhh.
OPTION TWO
Once you have established that Naline does not have a knob-rotting vesicle forming infection, take her out for coffee, poisoned by alcohol, let it all hang out and show us the photos next day.
Either way, consider this first;
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1198516/British-envoy-quits-Russia-post-film-brothel-sex-threesome-appears-internet.html
dave
Ah, Presidente Dave… I’ll consider and likely explore both options.
Oh dear.
Oh me.
Oh my.
Oh GORF!
By the way… What on earth is going on with the people who represent the British government? Are they just all acting out collectively?
A more baffling group I haven’t see in quite a while.
And this is coming from the guy who works at Hamish.
Am I the only one afraid to click on Dave’s links?
My links are perfectly formed, safe for all situations, user friendly and just desperate to be clicked.
dave
Just like this one, if you missed it up the page…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lixDK_tMEhE
Dare you not click?
dave
I clicked it both times Presidente
I only felt the second one, try again…
dave
Should I click it harder? Longer?
Either would do me!
dave
A few more of Dave’s links;
LINQ
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linq
( I have not a bloody clue about this one)
LYNX
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynx_rocketplane
Oh to be young enough and fit enough to ride that one…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynx_(constellation)
how celestial
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Devon_Railway_Eagle_class
scroll down the page to a real choochoo train
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ottawa_Lynx
somewher near our great leader perhaps
LINK
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LINK_Train
as is this maybe?
LINKS
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Links_(golf)
for beating your balls into the grass
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sausage
a link of most being a close kin of Haggis, the food of hero’s and lovers.
Ahh, my wife says time for my medication… tarrraaarrrr, NO NOT THE NEEDLE, ouch, FFS…. snore, snoree etc
PresDave
Thanks Dave!
A very eclectic set of links. The golf one inspired me to hit the links later today.
Do not get caught by Carlita washing your balls in the sink, OK?
dave
grooooan, puke, childish, etc
Made me laugh!
And they’re irresistable. I can’t help but to click them. They get me every time.
What we are witnessing in UK is the final death throes of an empire that started exploding back in the late 1940’s.
The USofA will go the same way in about 3-4 generations; that is the fate of all empires, bar one, the damn Chinese!
dave
I guess it’s their turn – again. I was in Beijing last year. Very cool. Crossing the streets sent fear into my heart. If you’re good with chaos theory then Beijing is the place to be.
No offense here, Dave. I am actually quite looking forward to our session. I’ve scheduled you for some time next month. I’ll send you a reminder card.
Please walk to the office. I’ll have booze.
Only one session, you must be bloody brilliant!!
I prefer bitter or gin or champagne or wine or whisky (single malt) but NOT gnats piss lager, OK?
As I can only manage one flight of stairs without extra oxygen supply, do you have a ground floor office, or lift?
dave
I’m concerned about your link, Freud. It appears to be suffering from a paranoid personality disorder and acute stress and premenstrual dysphoric dependent personality disorder. It just doesn’t seem to want to work. Is it a teenager?
Well, damn Wodpress. Like P.G. Wodhouse and blowing a wod, what wod you do if you were misspelled?
Not wok properly, is wot.
Fix that bugger, wod you?
Can do, Freud.
For a box of massive erections.
I like the new blogsite ma’am and anticipate much mirth of the anal-lytic type.
dave
Oh holy mother of God, what a perfect opportunity to enjoy casual dining at TGIF!
Seriously dude, you’re screwed. Big-time. In both places! Chicks with boundary issues will freaking get you killed man. Now the X is involved and upset. I say take Naline AND Otto to TGIF and hash this thing out. I’m going to put my thinking cap on tonight in bed while not thinking about sheep placentas or MJ. I’ll be back in touch tomorrow.
We’ll get you through this thing buddy, I hope.
Scott.
Thanks Scott,
Given your penchant for going into evil genius mode, I am hopeful. And itchy. And I have a bit of a cough. And a woozy stomach. Plus a sore neck. Not to mention irritable bowels. So I won’t…
Until then, I wait with itchy, coughing, woozy, sore and bated breath.
I noticed this about your post:
“Tagged: are those my testicles receding?”
Buhhahaha!
Well, if it would make you feel better, there is an award waiting for you at:
http://soulsez.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/blog-awards-july-2009/
P.S: Thanks for putting in a good word for me at Hamish… DO you want to know how the interview went?
Thanks so very much, Archie! I said over at your place and I’ll say it here: This means a lot to me. And to be included with all these other great bloggers as well. I feel so special. Really. All tingly like. Right up my arm…. Wait, or am I having a heart attack? No, no – it’s special tingles! Yay, life.
FYI: There’s a reason I have you bookmarked and check in regularly – you’re so darn wonderful yourself!
You were in today?????
Tell all!
Well deserved Alan! And you are so very kind!
And yes I was @ Hamish for my interview today…
I arrived crisp and early. I could not find Trudy’s office. I ran into a wimpy-irritable looking man at the elevator.
“Could you direct me to Human Resources please?”
“If I did, you would then ask me to walk you there.I do not set dangerous precedents”
Welcome to Hamish!
Did you know that Trudy’s office is like a panic room? No windows and Trudy must be the definition Claustrophobia in the Hamish Dictionary of Office woes.
Anyways, I was cheerful and answered all her questions some of which were rather…er.. unconventional.
She also took the liberty of telling me not to wear the likes of push-up bras or thongs to work, because the Hamish men did not appreciate promiscuous dressing…
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore of her mindless droning, she got up and held out her hand… of course I ducked coz I thought she was gonna gouge my eyes out.
Due apologies were exchanged and I was asked to await a call from Hamish.
Apparently I will have to meet the boss before they decide to hire me…
I asked if I could meet Alan. The door slammed behind me.
Cross roads… Help!!
Hahaha!
Well, clearly we know how much clout I carry around here.
You’ll be meeting with Clark next.
Ignore what Trudy says and dress however you want.
Don’t worry if you accidentally mention my name – I sometimes think he has no idea who I am. And if he did, he wouldn’t care.
The dirt is he is on the outs with Carlita and under pressure over the whole Mildred affair. I’d tell him that you think web designers are overpaid floozies and that nothing good ever came out of Scotland. These will help you. For sure.
About Trudy’s office… I know!
When I met with her I made a joke. I said it was funny that Hamish Industries makes windows and doors, but her cubicle had neither.
So Trudy set me straight on Hamish hierarchy.
General office staff don’t get doors or windows. Period.
Supervisors with less than 5 years experience get indirect sunlight. Supervisors with 5 years experience get an office with a window — when one comes free. And that can take years. But they don’t get doors.
Managers get offices with windows and doors — but not corner offices. That would be wrong. The exception is managers with 20 years of service.
They get corner offices – but only on the south east side of the building.
Directors get corner offices with 3 windows, one door, and a hand job.
(She was speaking quickly so it may have been intercom, not hand job… I can’t be sure).
Vice presidents get corner offices with board tables, 3-5 windows, private washrooms and reserved parking. And, apparently, I’m not entitled to know what a CEO gets. That’s confidential.
Anyway, good luck. When are you in next? Let me know how it goes.
I think we’re all missing out by not getting your responses to her e-mails. Say yes, if for nothing else just to get a great story. “You’ll never believe what happened on my lunch hour…” Awkward doesn’t sum up the feeling of wearing a condom to a lunch date, nor does it explain the Hazmat suit. Be sure to take Otto and extra napkins with you.
P.S. I love Dolly Parton!
You’d be terribly disappointed by my responses RR.
To all her drunk emails, I sent back “Sounds like fun, Naline.”
To her remorse emails, I sent back “No problem, Naline.”
Except for the last one. I just didn’t respond. But I wanted to write this…
Hey Naline,
Just curious: Can you hear my testicles receding? Because they are, you know. Shriveling back – and I think dying. So really, I’m not the guy for you. I mean, let’s face it… Who wants to date a guy with receding testicles? Not you. Right? And even if you did, by the time you get home, I suspect they’ll have all but receded into oblivion. Or Bolivia. Which ever you find the biggest turn off. I’ll see you Monday. Hopefully you won’t see me.
Alpo
It all seems so bleak. Perhaps if you lost your testicles you could dress the part of Dolly and give Naline the thrill of her life, (in a drunken stupor of course).
Hahahahaha
Well that lightened things up!
She’d have to be pretty drunk to think I was Dolly. And I’d have to be pretty drunk to go through with it. Plus, without any testicles, I’d have to be something of a miracle worker.
You ARE the miracle maker!
Cheers, RR.
I perform my Miracle Act at Dollywood. Six times a day, Monday to Sunday.
FYI: Show times. 11am. 2pm. 5pm. 8pm.
11pm. 1am.
I’ll be the guy performing life miracle shows in the wig and without the testicles.
Oh those drunk emails. Worse than the drunk dialing. People should have to take and alcohol level before they can operate their cars or computers.
Nicely said, Kate.
And thanks for dropping by the office. Hope to see you again.
Best,
Alan
Those central refrigerators. Nasty business, that is.
I was really hoping someone would mention them.
Thanks bellakagan!
Nasty business indeed…
Some interesting facts about these nasty appliances.
Central Refrigerators (also known as Cosa Refridgera) are originally a General Electric based criminal society that is believed to have emerged in late 19th century in Gary Indiana, by Thomas “Flashy” Edison and his wayward son Caligula.
The Central Refrigerators (also known as CR’s) were the first such society to be referred to as “The Appliance Mob.” Or The Fridge Mafia.
They are a loose association of criminal groups that share a common organizational structure and code of conduct. Each group, has their own snazzy name, much like the Jets and Sharks.
The more ferocious of these central fridge gangs include “The Freezers”, “Ice Machines” “The Cosca Crispers” and “The Meat Pantries”
PS. Wherefore art thou hyperlink?
http://dvsone.wordpress.com/
LOL. I love Pigeon Forge, but I will never look at it the same way now. You should never drunk text or drunk call. One day, everything is fine, the next, you wake up next to a dead fish, a goat with one of those multi-colored clown hairdos on and you find it hard to get out of bed due to the fact that you are wearing one of those giant foam banana costumes.
All right, Eric!
I knew there was a reason that I liked you from the get go. Truth be told, I too am a fan of Pigeon Forge. Have you been to Dollywood?
But what you say about the drunk text or call is so true. I know I’ve experienced a variation on the universal theme you have so wonderfully presented.
One day, everything is fine, the next, you wake up next beside a dead monkey, a sex robot with one of those multi-colored clown merkins and you find it hard to get out of bed due to the fact that you are covered in a salamander body cast.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
I think Eric’s just got the ball rolling on ‘The Hangover 2′ man the first is awesome.
Is Jessica Rabbit in it?
Is Jessica Rabbit real?
Would Jessica Rabbit go out on a date with me?
I have been to Dollywood. My family and I would go up to the Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge area every year for Christmas. I have since developed a love affair and hope to one day make that area my home. There are few, if any places, more beautiful on this earth. In my humble opinion of course.
I know Gatlinburg. And I agree. It is a beautiful place.
Naline wants you and you want Carlita.
What happens if Carlita wants Naline?
I agree with the others who said you should just give in have your way with Naline and use her to make Carlita jealous. Just make sure to wear a full body condom.
Keep your eyes closed and your head up.
It seems like you’re losing your balls anyway, what else do you have to lose?
What do I have to lose? Let’s see, there’s…
My dignity
My sense of right and wrong
My sense of smell
My sense of direction
My goodness
My oh my
My ability to string a sentence together
My sentence structure
My structure of sentences
My fear of a life sentence with Naline
Myopia
My Best Friend’s Wedding
My Spine Is The Bass Line
My ability to reason
My politics of dancing
My other car is a Porsche
My Mother The Car
My Brother The Half Wit
To start…
Would it be that bad losing your brother the half wit?
I lost him in a poker game once. Felt kind of bad about it and was glad when he showed up 6 months later. So, yeah… I like having him around.
My brother the half wit — I think I’ll keep him.
If you lost him in a poker game, and he actually went for 6 months, then I’m not sure who the true half wit is, you, your brother, or the person who won him?
Maybe you can come up with a wit between the three of you?
Although you are very witty, and so’s your brother.
How in the world did wit come to mean intelligence and humor anyway?
Wow… She sure sounds like she’s having a GREAT time at Dollywood.
Now about lunch with Naline, you’re not planning on saying “yes” are you??!? Going out with an impersonator of Dolly Parton is never a good thing. Think of the things she would do on a first date! The TERROR.
Beware of Pete!
AND Naline.
AND Herpes!
Anonymously Secret,
For certain, I’ll be sure to beware all three of them: The trinity of Herpes, Pete and Naline.
And if all three of them show up at the same time (which would be so like them!), I’ll create a tea party diversion while I try and figure out…
a) Who invited Herpes
b) If Herpes is okay being at the same tea party as Naline
c) How Pete feels about being at the same tea party with me, Naline and Herpes
Ok Alan, this is all I could come up with on short notice….
Take Naline, Otto, and Clark out to TGIF for lunch. You get Naline and Clark to drink Long Island Iced Teas (they are fantastic) while you and Otto enjoy specialty house beers (what an impressive collection!) Pull Otto aside and get him to act as your bodyguard/hired killer should the nutty boyfriend show up in a syphilis/herpes induced rage. By the second or third round Clark and Naline will be all over each other given Clarks penchant for womanizing, and Naline’s oozing libido. Offer to take them to a hotel room to ‘sleep it off’ and just let nature take its course! You could take pictures for added insurance but it’s not necessary. Within one week, Clark’s penis will either fall off and melt, causing him to commit suicide, or the syphilis psycho x-boyfriend will get to him. Scenario 1-Naline will be too ashamed to go back to work. Scenario 2- Naline will be forced to go into protective custody!! Once again you will have the office to yourself, the sunshine upon your face, and the wind at your back!
By the way, if you enjoy drunken messages as much as I do, here is a hilarious website!- http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
Wow, wish I had the level of deviousness to demonstrate, well done scott.
dave
Thanks Dave, I’m always happy when people can appreciate a hair brained but none-the-less evil plan for domination, be it the company or the world! –It’s kind of my specialty, along with getting the word out about TGIF and the wonderful dining experience they provide. Don’t YOU wish everyday could be Friday? It can at TGIF!!
I agree with President Dave Hambidge,
This is well done, Scott. A more sinister concoction of deviltry and evil machinations I have never seen. I sense that your memoirs will be entitled “Confessions of an Evil Genius from a TGIF”
When you have achieved world domination, I do hope you remember that we’re pals and that you don’t use some giant laser type of weapon to wipe out all of North America or anything like that. I know you evil geniuses have a penchant for those kinds of things.
Anyway, master (I guess we should all start getting used to calling you that), I’ll let you get back to your lair and your nefarious schemes. Try not to beat Igor too severely. I know, I know, he’s your minion and you’ll do as you please, but those hunchbacks are sensitive souls.
Good job Scott isn’t a Bates otherwise he would be;
MASTERBATES
soon to be pres in exile dave
No, but I am a masturbator and I don’t even fish. That wasn’t really funny, my bad.
See, I don’t want to get pigeonholed into the whole evil genius shtick. I don’t want to get pigeonholed anyway; it sounds very unpleasant. What I’m saying to you both, Dave and Alan, is that I’m not really a bad guy. Hatch a few nefarious schemes to take over the world, the country, Hamish Inc, lovejuice, and CBS programming respectively and it’s like bam, I’m all of a sudden typecast.
I’m ready for a new kind of role!! I wouldn’t mind quirky sidekick or black coach. I can be really inspirational. Besides if you don’t give me a shot, I’m going to kidnap you both and put you on a plank above a tank of piranhas’ as hydrochloric acid ever so slowly burns its way through the rope that is holding the plank in place. Bwaa ha ha ha ha!!!
Or I could be the burned out kinda crazy neighbor!
You don’t have to decide now, just think about it!!
Why, Scott…
Underneath that diabolical exterior there’s a wacky burned out neighbour? Are we talking wacky neighbour like from “Oh, That Jason” http://tinyurl.com/nfe7qs
Or something more contemporary, like a horn-dog Quagmire type?
I’ve checked though my closet for new roles (yeah, that’s where I keep ‘em), and have found a few. But of course the final choice is yours. These are but mere suggestions…
-Talking Dog
-Superhero
-Dancing Robot
-Retired Cartoon Super Villain who just wants to tend to his garden but is endlessly plagued by a loveable smartass 7-year-old boy (to be played by CLT, if we can get the contract negotiations ever sorted out)
-Greenfinch
-The Spirit of St. Louis
-The Spirit of Carl Jung (a perfect foil for the Ghost of Freud)
-Talking Horse
-Talking Shoe
-Loveable Slut
-“Say Anything” Asian Guy
-Block of Cheese
-Guy who always breaks into song
-Alcoholic Poet
-A Vampire
-A Vamp
-A 30 watt amp
-Ghost of Edward Gorey
-Beastly Baby
-Doubtful Guest
-Curious Sofa http://www.geoffklock.com/images/pornoSofa_2.jpg
Bags I the doubtful guest, or the b.lock of cheese
dave
Alan- First of all, I think that you and CLT should pitch “oh, that Jason” to Fox execs now. The show was probably cancelled so quickly because Rupert Murdoch had just bought the Sunday Times in Perth, and was to concerned with the Australian progressives and liberals who were at the time trying to destroy the real meaning of ANZAC day, and the fruit roll. God Damn heathens. But now that his attention is back on quality programming I’m sure they would bite. Those wonderful shows would just need a tweak here and there. Maybe make the black neighbors Mexican and all would be well.
I don’t think that I have the intellect to play Carl Jung, but I could play George Jung! He/I would definitely fit as the burned out but loveable neighbor spouting off witty quips about the drug trade and the entertainment biz! We could have one episode where he remembers that he hid 3.1 million in a Honduran bank that is now being destroyed in a coup…..hilarity ensues!!
I’m very interested in a few more of your closet roles! Talking dog, alcoholic poet, and Vampire all sound promising!!
Scott,
Rupert Murdoch is my best friend in the world. So stop there, dude. Plus, he’s an evil genius. I mean really evil. I’m surprised an evil genius like you isn’t looking to him for advice. Control the media and you control the world. Until the media becomes useless and bloated and no one reads them anymore. Yeah, like that will ever happen.
Oh, right….
Bwehhahahaha!
Wait, scratch that.
Okay…
Might I suggest the alcoholic and poetic talking vampire dog? It’s the best of three worlds. Or so they tell me at TGIF. Have you tried it? It’s the specialty of the TGIF house. Served with fries. I thought it was delicious.
Sorry Alan and Scott. I have both the alcoholic poet and the talking dog roles covered. But I know someone perfect for the lovable slut part.
And if you can’t guess who I’m thinking of, you don’t deserve to know.
Ha! Did I mention evil? I’m quite evil.
I’m a little confused by that sofa comic thing. Is he suggesting that after a good rutting Alice might like to clean up Lady Celia’s house?
Sort of, but only in a more gothic and macabre fashion. It’s all very delightfully sordid, and so I highly recommend giving it a read. But be warned, Gerald does a terrible thing to Elsie with a saucepan and when the curious sofa arrives, Alice feels a shudder of nameless apprehension.
http://www.coverbrowser.com/image/bestselling-comics-2006/579-1.jpg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Gorey
One can’t help but wonder where you might have come across such a beast as that intriguing book. It wasn’t even mentioned by BSchooled, so I know it’s not from the book mobile.
He’s a hero of mine. Years ago I stumbled upon The Gashlycrumb Tinies and was hooked. Now, granted an alphabet of dead children isn’t everyone’s cup of hemlock, but I like the dark side. http://www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/stage/7535/gorey.html
Mystery used to open with a Gorey animation.
On short notice? Wow. I’m afraid to know what you would come up with if you had a lot of notice.
There is a fine line between “tapping that ass” of someone you working with and blowing it for any other woman that you really want.
My suggestion is find a way to get her fired, then you can sleep with her with no office gossip to ruin your chances for someone else.
The Machiavellian bearman!
You devil, you…
PS. Again, another comment that is truly deserving off a “Bwehahahaha!” signoff.
bearman, spoken like a true wise man! alantru~ hilarious post!! those texts are classic!
Thanks Lynn!
Nice to see you.
Hilarious—in both places. STDs, drunkenness, large breasts—its the trifecta of blogging perfection. Nice.
You are too kind.
And while I’ve got you here… I was hoping to talk about the plight of the merkin.
Did you know that we lose over a 1000 species of merkins everyday to extinction? Why, even as I write this two or three have kicked off, and more are in danger. The party hat merkin, the fibulating merkin, the shaved merkin…
Ask yourself… Do you really want to live in a merkin free world?
I know I don’t.
We can still save the merkin, but time is running out. Their numbers are depleting. So I encourage you to please give generously to the “Save the Merkin Society”
Your contribution will help raise funds to build merkin sanctuaries across Europe and North America.
The merkin: Let’s save it before everyone forgets it ever existed.
Thought you had me there, merkin?????
Oh shit;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin
just check no kids viewing the screen when you click through, even for wiki.
pres dave
Cheers el’ prez,
I was saddened to see no mention of its plight.
Damn wiki.
Its all merkin all the time. And thanks for taking up the mantle for threatened and endangered merkins. You’re a visionary with an odd balding spot, but a visionary nonetheless.
Hahahaha!
I just care so damn much.
[...] This post was Twitted by dewey347 [...]
Looks like Dewey is screwing off at work again.
Good on him, I say!
Dollywood definitely sounds like a fun lace. Naline sounds like a fun place too…
Hah! Correct on both counts, Tony. Just stay off the Herpes Coaster.
LOSTL! she sounds wacky! Take her on a date, alan!
then again, i cant really talk after what happened with me! LOSTL!
Its sad that Naline broke up with Pete, but im sure it was for the best, especially if he doesnt like you! How could anyone not like you? INSANITY!
Bob
Thank goodness you are here, Bob.
And thank you for the kind words. I’m not sure about dating Naline. But I’ll give it some thought.
I have been waiting to hear news of your date and shall be over shortly to read all about it.
Hope it went well, although I’m sensing some trouble. Did you “honk”? I tend to “nerk.” Maybe we can help each other out!
I Honk when i get nervous.. and on my date, i was REALLY nervous!
Mr Mills says i should never Honk and im really trying to work on it.
Im sure a date with Naline will be fruitful! LOSTL! perhaps keep her away from the alcohols!
Bob
Now, what advice from Yuri on the Naline/Carlita dilemma?
dave
Ever since the emotocons have gone to washed out yellow Hell, Yuri has been nowhere to be seen.
It’s like he’s lost the will to spam.
I miss the little bastard.
“In both places”
Much like FJ said. This has the trappings of a soon-to-be overused catchphrase.
“His vehicle had some rust damage – in both places.”
“His funeral was an awkward disaster – in both places.”
“Obama Announces Revisions to TARP Applications – In Both Places.”
“He steadied the gun, squeezed the trigger and shot the deer – in both places.”
“The paternity suit soon caused a squeeze to his extravagant lifestyle – in both places.”
“Windows Vista sucks – in both places.”
“The Olympic gold medallist was stripped of his title – in both places.”
“большое количество слов мед литературы Мы – in both places.”
“Barry soon detected a subtle hint of cilantro – in both places.”
“Would you mind signing this Power of Attorney form – in both places?”
“The cloning experiment had gone horribly wrong, and Mr. Dr. Sir Jacoby knew it would all end badly – in both places.”
Trademark it quick, before I (or someone like me, possibly FJ) run off with it and turn it into a million dollar baby.
In both places.
That’s what she said.
Ha!
CLT is making me laugh – in both places
— in both places
Enter and abandon all hope – in both places
No Dogs Allowed – in both places
Mozart’s friends all said he worked himself to death – in both places
His new moustache was wispy and ineffectual – in both places
She held the golf club as Roderick the golf pro showed her how to swing – in both places
The parents and clergy sounded the alarm about the surrender of self sustaining values – in both places
His membership card to nambla was worn out – in both places
Emotionally, Pinky was frazzled – in both places
Of course Iggy Pop has had it in the ear before – in both places
Today I lost my innocence – in both places
Catch-Phrase Haiku
In both both places
She used a finger and thumb
In both places duh
Nice!
Catch-Phrase Haiku Pt II
Finger and a thumb
She used them both very well
in both both places
Go to bed Alan and get some rest—in both places.
Okay. But only because The Sleep Of Reason Produces Monsters — in both places.
Tennessee Creeps me out. We stayed off the freeway down the road from DollyWood and though the splendors of the place called to me… I just couldn’t do it. I’m a fan of her but not a fan of her followers… Crap I wonder if I’m one of those people and I really don’t like myself?!
Betty,
I think the only way to find out is to go there.
[...] nerk, Sick Days, tilting at windmills by barelyknittogether Today’s first case involves Alan Truitt from “Sick Days,” and aptly named bid for attention he created to illustrate just how [...]
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Hah!
I miss that robot.
after this many comments I’m not sure what damn post was about. Oh yeah Dollywood and Naline getting some wood with pigeon or something like that.
Anyway visit the Smoky Mountains area, it’s great. Might even find a bear up there. Of course dogs and bears don’t mix well.
Hah! Thanks lisleman,
I’ve been to the Smoky Mountains. You’re right. It was spectacular. Luckily no bear encounters.