Today was my turn to clean out the small fridge next to the coffee machine.
It’s not a popular job.
I don’t even use the small fridge.
But according to my boss, Clark, everyone has to “do their part.”
Everyone except for Clark. He “manages” the fridge cleaning schedule. That means he won’t be putting on the rubber gloves and mask to do the job.
…So, I did my part.
It may be a small fridge, but it’s crammed with oddities and packs a wallop of stink.
I found…
1. An upper denture in a coffee mug.
2. A file folder stuffed with individually wrapped cheese slices.
3. A half eaten tuna sandwich and a half eaten egg salad sandwich mashed together and wrapped in Saran Wrap. My guess: Circa three months ago.
4. Anaphylactic Contraband – An open jar of Skippy Peanut Butter.
5. One snow globe, slightly cracked…
6. Something that was once some sort of dairy but is now a bio-hazard.
7. A chewed up wad of gum stuck inside in a fuzzy slipper.
8. An overturned bottle of cough syrup tipped into an open bowl of cereal.
9. Gravy.
10. A urine sample.
Nasty, nasty, nasty…
But at the very least, cleaning that thing confirmed what I thought: I made the right call not putting my food in it.
If there is something that has been in there for 3 months that means you don’t have to take a turn but for once every 5 years right?
I would just buy a new mini fridge on ebay everytime my turn came up.
Hah. You see, if you worked here, I’d get that kind of wise advice every day…
Send in a resume!
Actually, nothing improves a bowl of Grape Nuts like a shot of cherry Ny-Quil.
I’m trying it right now. You are correct, Shawn. It’s yummy.
Now I’m off to operate heavy machinery!
Ny-Quil, you mean, the coughing, sneezing, itching, wheezing, how the hell did I end up on the garage floor medicine.
Yeah, that’s the good stuff! In liquid and gel. My favorite flavor? Orange!
Our smaller so it produces less “stank” small fridge was cleaned by Mike Rowe of Dirty Job’s fame. The show will air the last week of june. He said that is was up there on his list of worst jobs. There was actually some discussion last summer about putting the thing outside for the summer to cut down on the odor, similar to a pigs farm if you catch my drift.
I have mailed you “one” gold star for your heroic effort!
Hey thanks, Russ!
It’s amazing how a gold star can brighten someone’s day.
You’re definitely onto something with the carry the fridge outside and hose it down theory. Wish I’d thought of that before.
I’ll have to check out Dirty Job.
oh GAWSH that’s so disgusting… what WAS 1 and 10 doing there? And how long do you think 1 has been in there? Gross.
I’m actually afraid to ask. All I know is I’m NOT cleaning them!
Thanks for dropping by the office spamwarrior!
Seeing dentures in a cup really grosses me out, even though it shouldn’t have *that* much of an effect on me.
Yeah, it’s not always pretty.
Especially when they’re beside a jar of mayo.
ewww.
Thanks!
Hey Alan,
When you finish with the office fridge, how about coming over to my house and doing mine? You get dibs on the leftovers and I bet you can find some beer in the back of it as well? How about it sport?
Sally P
Okay, Sally… But only because there’s beer!
The dentures intrigue me. Maybe you could offer them for sale on ebay after devising a suitable provenance. Moses’ Miraculous upper plate or something like that.
Hahaha! That’s a great idea, Mike.
Nice! Thanks for dropping by!
tell a really bad joke and I bet you’ll be able to figure out who #1 belongs to.
Love it. Now I just have to be sure that I really want to know the answer to that question. Good to see you, floormodel!
Hi boss, before I puke up after reading this excellently horrible list, can I just ask;
what is saran wrap?
what is a snow globe?
and, vaguely seriously, were you offered Hepatatits C jabs before/after exposure to this detritus?
dave
BARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Greetings dave,
You have questions, I have answers. (Although I can’t guarantee they’re any good)
Saran Wrap is a thin plastic film made of saran (trade name Saran Wrap) that sticks to itself; used for wrapping food. For more saran wrap facts, please visit…
http://www.saranbrands.com/saran-wrap/
Either that or they’re some kind of condom substitute…
Snow globes are transparent sphere usually made of glass enclosing a miniaturized scene of some sort, often together with a model of a landscape.
I believe they are an endangered species. I believe they have almost been hunted to extinction.
To learn more about the endangered snow globe, please visit…
http://shop2.mailordercentral.com/decorationwarehouse/departments.asp?dept=155&gclid=CIbZvr6V1ZkCFRINDQodpgGqVA
Cultural references to the snow globe can found in this cartoon at 6.18 mark…
Please note: The quality is poor and home taping is bad for TV execs everywhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45KAYReJRGw
As for the hep C jab… I didn’t think to do it. Definitely wish I had…
Well, one lives and learns!
Brits will know Saranwrap as cling film I suspect.
I assumed snowglobes were edible. WTF was one of them doing in a fridge? Brits will know them as snow scenes.
Hep C, mandatory, don’t touch andy comunal keyboard until you have.
best
dave
“WTF was one of them doing in a fridge?”
I have no idea. I’m still trying to figure what the fuzzy slipper was doing in there. And why was there was gum in it…?
We have Harmony clean out our frig and because she’s a germ freak its always spotless.
Hah!
That’s what she gets for always correcting poor Harry’s grammar.
Oh wait. Right! She’s a germ freak. So she loves this kind of stuff.
12 hours later the penny drops.
Good God, Harmony has messed with me again.
(Alan shouts to sky)
DAMN YOU HARMONY!!!!!!!!
My mental image is William Shatner yelling, “KHAN.”
That’s what I was going for!
I suggest randomly throwing away items from the fridge daily. Not only would this eliminate Clark’s need to have a cleaning schedule to manage (opening up his calendar for more important things like practicing with his “Potty Putter”) but it’s a good way to get to know your coworkers. The reaction to having a beloved jar of pimento-filled spanish olives tossed haphazardly into the garbage without warning is bound to be entertaining.
Cheers webiegal,
A smart plan. Thanks. I would also like to thank you for introducing me to the “Potty Putter.”
If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it.
Quick question: What did you do w/ the upper denture? Because, a pretty good thing to do would’ve been to leave a note on the fridge saying
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR “TEETH,” I FOUND THEM IN THE FRIDGE (?). GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU’D LIKE THEM BACK.
I mean, people don’t just throw away dentures, right? I assume they’re fairly costly. That way, you could figure out 1) who’s secretly missing their top teeth, 2) who is so gross that they remove them at work and 3) who is so yuckers that they only clean them (at the very most) every three months.
I just left it in there. But I like your plan, Kali.
Hang on, I’m going to grab them from the fridge. I’ll be right back…
Musac
Sorry for the delay. It’s gone! Damn. Oh well. Next time for sure…
…Oh my God… There’s going to be a next time!!!!
But next time…you’ll have a plan!!!
And a good one too! Thanks to you!
Do you work in a nursing home?
Some days it feels like it… Other days… It feels like it even more.
love it! we’re in a hospital so we have regulations about mold and fungus… we’re the lucky ones, i guess. lol
Next time I’m wearing a surgical gown… It was a fungus factory.
Funny enough, I was just about to visit your most excellent site and see what new conversations are going on with you and Isaiah!
See you soon!
Simple explanation here:
A man was eating his tuna sandwich for lunch when he spotted a jar of Skippy PB. He began to eat some… when all of a sudden the stickiness of the spread tore out his top set of dentures. As he was running to the fridge, he knocked over a snow globe and a file folder. As he opened the door he fell backwards at the smell of the rotten milk. In his fright he urinated in perfect parabola, the urine landing in cup. He stood up and realized his slipper was caught in some bubble gum. In all his worries that someone in the office would notice… he shoved everything in the fridge.
30 minutes later someone dropped off a bowl of gravy.
Bam! Happens all the time.
-http://lazyeverdays.wordpress.com/
Love it.
wow… mee tooo… i love it tooooooooo!!!
it’s like CSI of refridgerators.
good stuff lazyeverdays.
Alright Helen! You’re hyperlinked!
to infinity and beyond………. whooooosh!!!
Ha ha!
I’ll say it again! Your Top 10 Office Weekly post was the funniest thing I read this week.
Indeed a truly remarable synopsis of the known facts.
Do you get out very often???
dave
Wow.
Sure glad our fridge doesn’t get like that (at least that I can tell)….now our microwave, that’s a different story….
But I have had the unfortunate displeasure of having my cube located about three and a half feet from our unit refrigerator (at one of my previous stops).
And my family wonders why I have a pathological need to avoid food poisoning.
Maybe it’s time to bring them to work one day.
Or is that too cruel?
I don’t know, I could get into trouble for putting my family into harm’s way like that.
But think of the things I can get away with if they’re incapacitated….
Hmmm. Yes, this poses a bit of a dilemma. Perhaps you could supply them with gas masks – if you didn’t want them incapacitated. IF, you didn’t want them incapacitated, that is.
What all offices need are a “Bring your family to work so they can clean the fridge day.”
Brilliant!
Replace the “take your daughter/son to work day” with “Take your family to work so that they can be overtaken by the fumes emitting from a dead and decaying refridgerator, thus getting some peace and quiet for a while.”
I’d like to see that on the side of a bus!
I’m beginning to think we are twins separated at birth – work twins, anyway. In my previous small office, we had tasks to divvy up and I chose…you guessed it – the fridge. After a month, everyone else blew theirs off, but I kept cleaning the fridge.
Why? I loved throwing all that nasty stuff away. Especially when no one else would. POWER!
A poet, a writer AND a comedian. You’re a triple threat, Pamela!
Urine and cheese and bread and mould and tuna and cough syrup!
Call (888) 232-6348 (they operate 24/7)
I’m getting it tattooed on my arm.
Whoa you are a dedicated worker…I wouldn’t do my part…I would just hide in the bathroom until someone else did it!
Hide out in the bathroom or clean the fridge?
It’s the eternal office struggle.
My conclusion? Yours is a much better plan than mine.
Most unattended office fridges tend to resemble shark autopsies.
Very nicely summed up! I doff my hat to you.
Thanks for stopping by Capitalist Lion Tamer.
::squint:: is that Maker’s Mark…in a jelly jar?
To the left of the urine sample and below the box of wine?
Why, yes, that is indeed some Maker’s Mark premium bourbon whiskey. Good eye on the booze spotting!
Thanks for dropping by the office, Sweats Model.
Yes, our own office fridge is forever becoming toxic and then being treated by a crack team from the local nuclear power plant. They place it in the black non-recyclable bin next to the fridge and then the whole office can get a feel for what it’s like to live on rubbish dump.
Like Alantru I avoid the fridge entirely, and our office would smell a lot nicer if people followed my example and just never opened the pandora’s box that is the refrigerator.
I prefer to let my food go off in a plastic bag on my desk, helping to keep it safe when I’m not there from the intrusions of those hot desking people, but that’s another story…
Very considerate, InActionMan IAM, very considerate indeed. We need more people like you in the offices of the world. As for your other story… I look forward to reading it.
61 responses? My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
“One thing I’ll say for him, Jesus is cool.”
At a certain point there I had to avert my eyes.
Somewhere between the dairy bio-hazard and gravy would be my guess.
Thanks for dropping by, Ian.
Can I have the snow globe?
It’s just, I’ve always wanted a snow globe but they always said I shouldn’t be let near glass things filled with water for some reason….
If I can’t have it, then could you at elast give it a shake for me. That’ll be enough.
Thanks.
62 responses?
That can’t be right. Can it….?
Of course you can have it, jesusbudda. But please remember, it is cracked and leaky.. So, please, no drinking from it.
Let me crunch the numbers and get back to you.
Nope, now 63, sorry 64 and still counting.
Can we push it to the ton (100 that is)?
dave
Bless your cotton socks, Dave.
Maybe one day…
This makes 70, but the numbers are wildly skewed.
I don’t think I’ll be eating for a week now. Thanks alan.
On the bright side – you saved some money on groceries.
Good seeing you, Skatha.
Penecillian comes from mold (I think).
If you’d have kept some of that stuff and tinkered around with it in your basement/laboratory, maybe you could have discovered that would’ve made you rich beyond your wildest dreams!
Oh and help people and stuff, too.
No more Hamish Industries!
You could buy the company and then fire anyone who displeases you. Then you could sell it to some overseas conglomerate for a massive profit.
MUWHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
There’s always the lottery though.
Oh, I’ve added you to my blogroll
Hahaha. You’ve thought this through, madamebitters.
It’s a most deliciously, delightfully sinister and Machiavellian plan, and of course, I would expect no less from you.
Thank you for blogrolling me. I really must get to work on mine… Soon, my precious, soon…
Until then, if I may quote you… “MUWHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!”
Gotta say, that feels good…
Eeew! denture and urine sample?
Really good call on your part. That fridge would make my mom see red!
Alan, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad that I immediately thought of you when this news came out today:
Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital http://tinyurl.com/pdjvow
Yikes!
That is one mind boggling article. Yay AT&T!
I have no idea if it’s a good or bad thing either, Pamela.
…I’m going to say good. The point of Sick Days was to highlight the madness of office life and so when something like this makes the news and the response is “Oh my, that’s horrible. It’s terrible. It’s disgusting… It reminds me of Alan and Hamish Industries” well, that means that maybe, I’m doing some good.
All kidding aside…
I hate to say that the lesson here is that no good deed goes unpunished, but I suspect that the poor enterprising office worker who decided to clean out the fridge won’t ever do that again.
Cheers!
Alan
I agree – it is totally good that people are thinking of Hamish. Now where’s that damn agent?
We got the damn agent.
It’s the damn publisher that’s the problem.
Oh! That’s precious.
Isn’t that insane?
I’ve come back to read this post several times. I love the list. I love the photo. I love the “one snow globe, slightly cracked.”
Thanks Cynthia,
Very nice of you to say — and much appreciated. I really enjoy reading your work. I think it’s great.
I know this is an old post but I’ve recently picked up an idea of putting totally random things in our office fridge. This weeks theme is bathroom. Anything you can use in a bathroom is up for grabs. I’m avoiding of course the extremely nasty things, but today I place a pink bottle of shower gel. Maybe someone in your office had the same idea.
Your bathroom theme is a very good idea, that’s for certain, Jenny. If you’re looking for suggestions for next week might I suggest “70′s disco club theme” I think some shag carpet and a glitterball in the fridge could really, if not boost moral, at least get people talking. The fridge could end up as the the office’s new hot spot. Who knows, maybe you’d even get long lineups to get to it and have to hire bouncers and door people and everything. If it is a hit can you please put my name on the guest list? Thanking you in advance.
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